MisterBlue,

Thanks for the tip about the Hail Mary. Over the last year I have trying to reach out more to God, I would go to church and pray to help me release the resentment and anger I felt.

My mother gave me a beautiful rosary for Christmas, I used it for the first time today.

What about STD's. Do I make him get tested? We had sex during the time he was having unprotected sex with her, so if he caught something he would have passed it along by now????

Oh, so sorry to hear this latest news. I would insist that he get tested for STD's and you get tested too. That will help your peace of mind.

Also he will need to quit his job. Is he willing to do that?

He is willing to apply for other jobs that will take us to another state (nature of his work). But that all takes time, he could get offered another job in 1 month or 6 months.

He is very remorseful, he had no idea that I would be this upset/hurt as the truly thought I didn't care anymore.

He is reading articles on this website and is willing to do what it takes to recover this marriage. But this is all still so fresh/new that I'm sure he would promise the moon.

Do I believe he has told me the truth, yes. Do I believe that there are parts he has left out, yes. Do I trust that he will tell the truth from here on out, no.

I know he didn't love her, he loved all the attention. But thinking about them together, him doing the things to her that I thought were only for me, is breaking my heart. Knowing that he has been touched, caressed, loved by someone else is so painful. What did she do to him during sex that was different that what we do together, when I thought our sex was incredible (he agreed). It just wasn't as often as he liked. Did he learn any new tricks from her, how did he make her O. I can't get these thoughts out of my mind. I try to push them aside but something that was so sacred between he and I is no longer.

We are going to get the book in the next day or so and start on that together. He read articles MB about surviving the affair and he said he will not go thru withdrawl from her as he did not have intense feelings for her. We are being affectionate, communicating and talking with each other and he says that this is all he wanted all along. He says he has never seen me like this before and is shocked by my level of feelings.

The articles also say that after this shock, numb phase I will get angry. I feel some of that now but so don't want to go there. I have spent too much time being angry at him over little things and that is what helped us get to this place.

Dealing with the visions is the hardest thing right now.

Triggers and closure. You are dealing with the triggers but if you learn how to get closure it will help ease the pain.

Closure is something you both need to do for each other and for yourselves.

The closure can be a symbolic gesture to start the healing. It will not be all positive but it can be progressive.

Call Steve.

L.

You say you have spent too much time already getting angry at him over little things that helped you get to this place.

Remember what I am going to say to you next dearest Rese:
YOU DID NOT HELP HIM HAVE A PA DEAREST RESE. He made that choice on his own. The things that were wrong with your R were your responsibility and his responsibility. You made choices about how you dealt with these problems and he made choices about how he dealt with these problems. The decision to enter a fog life and have an affair with OW was his choice. He realizes now how inane that choice was. He is full of remorse. He made a stupid, stupid mistake. He will now attempt to figure out how he could do something so horrible. Part of his rationale will include you and your actions. Part of your trying to figure out "why?" will include you and your actions.

Remember, you had nothing to do with his choice. I have every hope for your marriage based on what you are telling us here. But please don't beat yourself up right now. I think it can make the roller coaster ride that much more extreme if you try to take blame now for his decision. Because at some point you will realize, wait a minute, I did not deserve that, was I so bad as to deserve that? Did I make you do THAT?? How could you do that to me? My actions weren't that bad, I'm not that bad! Then you will go up and down about all of that on the roller coaster. You did not do anything to make him have an A. Try to stay level about this part of it emotionally. (((((Rese)))))))
Lake

what is all this talk about forgiveness...

what is this self imposed pressure and belief that you HAVE to forgive and get past this RIGHT NOW...

YOUR forgiveness
HIS own forgiveness to himself is way down the road....

you are not on the path to forgiveness this early in the game..

you are on the path of changing and becoming someone who understands more clearly both themselves and their spouse...

cause quite frankly in the end you may find yourself NOT staying with your husband.....
and you yourself perfectly at peace at that...

quit pressuring yourself to forgive .....

right now you need to be calling the harleys for a real plan of fixing things now....

giving forgiveness is way way way too early in this and will in my opinion hurt your recovery...

tell him your forgiven and heck why in the world would he have to discuss too much of the issues of the affair...

heck you forgive him ...

what's the point...

this is NOT to say that you use forgiveness as a weapon...
what I am trying to point out that this is NOT the time to forgive and move on..

this is the time to listen and move THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you understand what I am saying

ARK

Your sitch sounds a lot like mine, except my H would only admit to an EA..took him 4 months to admit it was a PA, but I knew.

We are recovered now and I credit this site, the books, His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, and the fact that he changed jobs within a couple of months to getting us where we are today.

I think your marriage has an excellent chance to recover and sounds like you are both doing all the right things to make that happen. I do have to say, that as long as my H was even having occassional contact with the OW, and even though I knew he had ended it..our 'real' recovery didn't start until he left that job and had absolutely no contact at all, it took a little while, and he was resistant to it at first, but even he realized that if we were going to move along and recover, that she had to be out of the picture, totally and forever.

Keep reading and posting here, you will get great support and advice, read, read and read again those books I mentioned and also the great advice from Dr. Harley that you can find on this site.

Good luck, God Bless and stay tough, it hurts for a long long time, but it is true that time heals the hurt (I hated it when people would tell me that, but it's true..

Ark, I do understand what you are saying. I haven't forgiven yet, I know that is a long way off, so that is why I say this is going to be so hard.

We were talking this morning and I told him I don't know if I can do this. Him at work and I have no idea what he is really doing. He said he will tell me about his day. He told me that she called him on his cell but he did not take the call. She is not at work today. I told him that she would not let go easy, he said yes she will she is just hurting now. I said I don't care about her. I know she is going to keep trying to reel him back in.

He is working on his resume and will apply for several jobs this week. But I really don't want to have to leave here, make my kids change schools again. Before all of this we said we were staying here until our 2nd child finished high school in 2010. DH is upper management and she is a secratary, typical cheating story. I wish she would just leave...

Has he written a no contact letter to the OW? I let my H do a No Contact phone call and that was a waste of time. All it did was make her think that if she hung around long enough, he would be back once the smoke cleared. He never told her this, what he did say is that I knew about them and that we were working on things, in his mind that was telling her it was over, in her little OW mind, it was telling her just hang on till wifey gets over it or leaves him. She didn't get the point until I contacted her work because she was calling him from the company phone and informed them that she had been asked to stop but kept doing it, and didn't they have some sort of policy about using company phones to make personal (long distance) calls?
After that we sent a no contact letter to her AND to her employer..haven't heard from her since..

Never underestimate the single OW who 'thinks' she's hooked herself a man. If she was ok with taking up with a married man in the first place, you can be sure she isn't above trying to keep herself in the equation.

soooo
what are the plans to get a new cellphone..
uhhhh TODAY

new number
you set up the passwords with him etc....

she won't have the number

what say you...

or my favorite...

he gets your cell phone..

you get his

ark

I know you don't want to have to uproot your whole life because of this, but it really is necessary, and well worth it.

Dr. Harley recommends that the BS and the WS make it a point to get away alone together for at least a weekend at the beginning of R, it helps with the WS's withdrawal from the OP and it does wonders for reconnecting. I went on a short work-related road trip with my H about 2 weeks after D-day, best thing we could have done...we just spent the time together being 'us'..no OW talk, no R talk, just time that reminded us why we choose to be together in the first place. I consider those 2 days a turning point in our relationship, and the beginning of recovering our marriage...if you can swing it, I highly recommend it!

And YES, changing of the cell number or switching phones is a big must..

good idea ark. This is his work cell phone, maybe he could just get a number change? But if he changes his work cell phone number, then that will only feed the rumor mill at work. Right now we are not going public with this as it would damage his career greatly (yes I know he deserves this). But as long as I feel that he is not in contact with her and focused on the marriage then I will not jeapordize his career which in turn impacts our family. I am not trying to protect him, but our family. I am perfectly capable of supporting myself and the kids, so I don't need him for his money.

If I find out that he is lying to me and continues to see her then all deals are done.

I asked DH last night, what kind of woman goes after a married man with 4 children? He said he had thought about that as well, but then pushed the thought aside.

He has not written a no contact letter. I will ask him do it tonight and watch him as he e-mails it.

I know it's been said many times before, but what should the NC letter say? Does anyone have a sample?

RUMOR MILL AT WORK...

HOW BOUT THE OLD I DROPPED MY CELL PHONE IN THE CRAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHUTS PEOPLE UP AND WORKS EVERY TIME...


RESENTMENT...

IF you are going to be done if there is contact...then that's your choice...

BUT
you need to fair warned that usually there is some contact.....

closure bs
begging from the OP
threats
damage control....

WHATEVER...

MOST in the first time frame post D-day go through that...

infact this site addresses alllll about that very occurance......

so you may want to read up on plan A......and get ready

ARK

I meant to say if I find that he gets together/resumes affair with her again.

I know she will call him and try to get him back and I know that sooner or later he will talk to her, see her at work.

We were already scheduled to go on a trip together Feb 7th thru the 11th. He has a conference in a wonderful town and I was going to go with him and we were going to spend the weekend there as well.

He also has another trip on the 21st/22nd, but he told me that she was going to go with him on that one. I'm not sure whose idea that was. Before I knew about the affair, he kept pushing for me to come on the Feb. 7th trip but we were not sure if we would have someone to watch the kids. So we talked about bringing them and he really wanted us to come, even if it wasn't just a he and I trip. I was going to gone the weekend of the 23rd so I couldn't go in the 22st/22nd trip. Most of thier time together was spent at her place during lunch hours, but to go on a trip together, Yikes. I can almost accept a lunch time roll in the hay, but to travel, eat, hang out and sleep together that would have taken the relationship to a different level. I get angry when I think about it. Why did he want me to go on the trip on the 7th so bad, and plan to go away with her on the 21/22nd. Was it guilt?


I'm reading up on Plan A now.

{{We were already scheduled to go on a trip together Feb 7th thru the 11th. He has a conference in a wonderful town and I was going to go with him and we were going to spend the weekend there as well.}}

Perfect!! Move mountains to find someone to keep the kids for you...go and just be together, try not to do any R talk...no bringing up the OW (I had a really hard time with this...snide remarks tend to 'slip' out of my mouth before I know it) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />..

I think it is HUGE that he told you about his plans to take her on that trip, sounds like your H is being way more transparent than a lot of WS's do, mine was remorseful but it was like pulling teeth to get him to admit ANYTHING other than they were 'friends', blah blah...
Not sure why he pushed so hard for you to go on the 7th..guilt, assurance that you wouldn't want to go to the other weekend, maybe just because he truly wanted to spend the time with you?...trying to figure stuff like that out can drive you whacky...I know..btdt..

I am far from an expert at Plan A, ARK is one of the many who helped me A LOT when I had my D-day, but I know what worked for me and I know Plan A will work for you too, you'll get great guidance here...I know it seems unfair that we should have to do so much work when it was them who cheated, and sometimes the resentment and hurt are hard to tame, but in time it gets easier. I found that the Plan A changes have stuck with me all this time and now they just come naturally, for him too! And he didn't even know what hit him... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We are going away on the 7th, just the two of us. My parents are watching the kids. So that will be nice. We will concentrate on just having fun.

I have not talked to him since 12:00 today, before he went to lunch. He has alot of meetings so before now it would not have been unusual not to hear from him. But I thought he would have called just so I would know that he was at the office. I feel sick knowing that he might try and sneak away to see her. I drove by the office after picking the kids up from school to see if his car was there and it was. But I can't keep doing this, I will make myself insane.

When does the desire to eat return? I can't believe that I'm still able to function. Normally one or two days without much sleep and I can't do anything. I have hardly eaten anything, don't have any desire, thought sickens me but when does the body crash?

I've been trying to find a sample of a no contact letter for you, but so far no luck..hopefully someone will come along with that.

Eating..hmm..I honestly don't remember when I started eating for real...at least a week or so before I did anything but force something in my stomach so I wouldn't pass out. You really do need to be sure to get some nourishment..even if it's a Instant Breakfast drink...anything with protein, you will just feel worse if you don't nourish, and drink lots and lots of water..gotta replenish the fluids lost from all the crying.

Oh, and I simply told my H that I needed him to call me frequently throughout the day. We would normally talk once or twice a day, after D-day I needed him to call more often so I just asked..he understood and would call whenever possible. Just tell him that for now you really do need to connect with him more often during the day, even if it's only for a quick 'hi' between meetings..

Well, the desire to eat varies. Some people (more women) go along with it in order to lose weight that they wanted to lose, or to make themselves more attractive to the WS. I think I kinda lost more at first for both of those reasons, but I also couldn't eat, like you say. I lost more than is healthy for me, but everyone kept telling me how "great" I looked as a size 4 (I bottomed at a size 2). I wanted to scream when they told me that, no I don't look ok, I can't eat bc my WH was in an A!!

Ok, that being said, with some perspective here, you can try to eat high calorie things, like those shakes, anything really that you can keep down and that appeals to you.

The obsessive thoughts, the checking up, all completely normal. You are so early into this, please be patient and give yourself a break, time is your BF unfortunately.

The best way to try to recover is to learn as much as you can from the books, go to counseling, talk to a good friend, including us on these boards.

Hang in there...you are doing well for the point that you're at.

Thanks to all for your support, it means so much. I have no one IRL that I want to discuss this with them. No one to guide me on what to say or do.

So far the talk between DH and I has been about the affair, how it started, why it started. Some discussion about recovery and what we need to do, but most of that talk has yet to come. We will read all the articles on here and discuss them further as well as order the book. I will discuss counseling with the Harley's with DH. We had some counseling in the past but that was more about family issues.

He answered all my questions and I asked some pretty direct questions. I felt I needed to know, but maybe I know too much cause thinking about it is awful. I asked him if she orgasmed with him and he said (almost proudly) "yes, several times". My immediate reaction to myself, was yeah right, she probably put on a good show. Most women cannot have mutilples, but this one could. She also like to give head and swallow (I don't swallow). Why did I ask that. Would it be better if I didn't know. But there are still so many more questions that I want to ask...

I tried the "ensure plus" drinks. they have vanilla, chocolate and banana available or something. I only like the vanilla. be wary :-)

Note: get the "plus" variant, specifically. that is specifically "to gain or maintain weight". Extra protein boost. Overall, it actually tastes good to me; kinda like a melted vanilla milkshake.

i had *zero* food, for 3 days, after D-day really hit.
I think i managed to eat something, when it was time to get my children back and i figured out I'd better eat something, even if I didn't want to at all, or I was going to pass out. I think I was starting to get dizzy spells at that point.
That helped put the whole eating thing, in perspective.

These days, I usually have one for breakfast, whereas previously, I didnt used to have any breakfast.

btw: 6 months, and i'm actually HUNGRY a lot of the time now. "yay"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />