How should the no contact letter be delivered? Via e-mail, in person, or by phone call? I couldn't find anything about it on the website.

We are going to go get the book tonight. I don't know how serious he really is about doing some of this stuff. He does not want to do the no contact letter, says what's the point. I could write or say that, but then go right behind it and say to OW nevermind what I just said, my wife was forcing me to do that.

He does not want to change his work number, too much of a hassle.

I know what I need to do to work on recovery at this point, it will be hard but I will give it all I have. But at this point what should he be doing? I don't want to come across as making demands, but what should he be willing to do to show me he wants recovery? What if he is not willing to do those things?

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Well, for sure the NC letter is the BEST way to go...but you can't force him to do anything. And I do know from reading on a certain OW forum <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> that most of them just see the no contact letter as something written with the wife hovering over the WS with a rolling pin or something.
What has he told you that he has told her about "things" at this point? Does she get that it's over?
My H resisted the NC letter and the changing of the phone number too at first...until he realized it was a lot more trouble dealing with a whiney OW and a stressed out BS..

How are things going R-wise between the two of you so far? Is he being receptive to affection, communication, etc...?
My H was a little uncomfortable with too much affection from me at first, I think he felt a little smothered and of course still a tad foggy, even though the fog was thin after he realized he was in real danger of losing me and his family.

Oh, definately no phone call...email would be ok I think, hand-written and mailed to her would be best.

Your H is willing to read HNHN with you and do the work recommended in there, I'm thinking once he reads and comprehends how/why you guys got to this point, he may change his mind about the letter. My H is soooo not the self-help book kind of person, but he took that book with him on the road for a couple of days and came back with a much better understanding of how we could make this work and make it better..it really does make simple sense and gives hope that R really can work...

double post

this_hrts, things are really good between us right now. he is very receptive to affection and he is doing a wonderful job of consoling me. He tells me that this is what he has wanted all along, for me to open up, be affectionate, let my guard down, melt into his arms.

But I don't know what he has told her. He has told me that he told her that he told me everything. But since I was not around, I don't know if that is what he really told her. Part of me thinks that he might be enjoying having 2 women fight for him. His #1 need is for admiration and this just might be doing it.

He told me that she called yesterday and he didn't take the call. During the day he told me he didn't talk to her. Then last night he told me that he had talked to her, he had called her back to see how she was doing. I wanted to yell and scream, but I didn't. I told him that no contact means no contact. But I don't know if he was telling me the truth about his conversation with her.

Meanwhile I have not gotten ANY work done this week. I had a project that I should have finished days ago and started on another one and I have done NOTHING. I have to turn in a status report this afternoon and I have nothing to put on it. For those BS's, did you let your work know that you were going thru a difficult time?

I know everyone says not to call the OW. But since I don't know what he has told her, I REALLY want to call her. What if he really hasn't told her anything about us yet. I don't want to call her to hear anything that she has to say about them, but to let her know that I know about everything and to stay away, go find a man of her own. I want her to know that I know and that he has said that we are going to recover, in case he lying to her too...

I know everyone says not to call the OW. But since I don't know what he has told her, I REALLY want to call her. What if he really hasn't told her anything about us yet. I don't want to call her to hear anything that she has to say about them, but to let her know that I know about everything and to stay away, go find a man of her own. I want her to know that I know and that he has said that we are going to recover, in case he lying to her too...

WOuldn't talking to her be part of exposing the affair?

{{things are really good between us right now. he is very receptive to affection and he is doing a wonderful job of consoling me. He tells me that this is what he has wanted all along, for me to open up, be affectionate, let my guard down, melt into his arms.}}

This is great..! You can do this and still reinforce to him that NO Contact AT ALL with her is a boundary you will not give in on. It's good that he admitted to you that he called her...not good that he is calling her AT ALL...OW don't need much to keep their little fantasy hopes of 'getting the man' alive...State your boundary's in a loving and firm way, it's ok to let him know how deeply it hurts you when he contacts her at all, that it feels like a betrayal (and it is) and that opening up to him is your ultimate goal, but continued contact makes you afraid to do that...(in your own words of course)..

My H's #1 need is Conversation, with Admiration coming in a close 2nd....and it was so hard to express admiration to someone who just wasn't looking all that admirable to me at the time, HNHN will help you center yourself on how to do that...it's HARD but you can do it...
And it's important that he understand that there are needs that YOU have too, and it sounds like your H will be very receptive to meeting them.

Work?..hmm, well I couldn't even go to work for like 3 days after D-day...went in the day after and lasted a few hours...I had to take a couple of days off or I would have probably gotten fired...no I didn't tell my boss what was going on, I have a feeling everyone knew something (besides sickness) was up though...when I came back to work, I had by then blown a blood vessel in one of my eyes, never knew you could cry so much that that could happen!....explained that away as throwing up so much...close to the truth!! If you feel comfortable telling your boss what's going on, I say go ahead and do it...

Ok, I KNOW the best advice is to NOT call the OW, and I know everyone here will tell you not to, so I'm not going to advise you to do it...but....I did end up calling the OW when she kept trying to engage my H in contact at work and then by calling his phone and blocking her number. It's just not in my nature to let someone disrespect me this way...I don't think it did much because she was too afraid to speak to me...just said "I want to stay out of it' the first time (then proceeded to try and squirm herway back into the picture)...and didn't even answer the second. I say it's your call..

You know...I think it depends on the OW, but most of them don't really see us BS's as real people, we are just some distant relative of the man they are screwing. I would hope that some of them may have a wake up call of sorts when contacted by the BS...it could backfire on you though...might make her more determined to 'win'..I dunno...

Gosh R, I wish someone more intelligent than me would come along and give you some guidance, I feel like your M is prime for recovery...(probably because your sitch reminds me so much of mine and I LOVE my marriage now)..anyway, please don't get discouraged...have you eaten today?

I finally found a sample NC letter for you...

***
(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband shes been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)
***

this_hrts, thanks so much for the sample letter. Short and to the point. I will share that with DH.

I just made myself eat a yougart. I'm feel hungry today but don't feel like eating. My stomach is in such knots still. I haven't slept for longer than 3 hours since the weekend. I don't know how I'm even functioning.

I'm glad you are responding to me, at least I feel like I have someone to talk to. I don't know whether to call him today or let him call me? At home, I'm trying to be the person that I have wanted to be for awhile (i.e. not angry).

I asked him before he left this morning if I was demonstrating to him that I was very willing to work on recovery and he said yes. I said I need you to do things for me to show that you want it as well. I told him that we couldn't attempt to do this on our own, that we needed to follow some experts advice. He said he we would go get Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. But I want him to actively participate and not have it be something that I feel like I forced upon him.

I'm much better when he's at home. While he's at work, my stomach just won't settle...

{{I'm much better when he's at home. While he's at work, my stomach just won't settle}}

I (unfortunately) remember that feeling well, My H was driving a truck over the road at the time, and when he was gone I was a damn mess, even if he wasn't near her area, he didn't work with the OW daily, but once a week or so he would have to have direct contact with her for a short time....those days were ****** for me, so, Yeah, I know the feeling. That is why the job change is so important, you'll read Harley's emphasis on this in Surviving an Affair and so will your H.

It doesn't sound like he feels like you're forcing anything on him...and thankfully the weekend is coming so you'll have that time together (and him away from work) to take your time and do some reading....don't try to force it all at once though, quiet time after the kids are asleep and you can talk privately is good..you can even take turns reading parts to each other, I think you'll be amazed at how 'spot on' the concepts are...I know my H was floored to see 'us' practically word for word..it really helped to ground us both, and gave us hope..

I would call him if you really want to and if it will make you feel better (not constantly, but a call during the day is something I think we should all do anyway)...doesn't have to be a heavy conversation...I wouldn't call to 'ask' about contact with OW, but make the conversation pleasant and natural...'have any ideas for dinner?' Looking forward to spending the weekend with you, etc.

I'm glad you're eating something, it really does help...

Bumping this up for you R, hoping you'll get some support...I'm leaving for vacation in the morning, but hopefully you'll start getting some encouragement/responses from others. You do well this weekend, try not to let the emotion and hurt overwhelm you, and just try to relax and be yourself...My mantra when H and I had time alone together was that I wasn't going to let the OW come between our time together, it helped me not to bring her up 'too much' and in turn kept her from ruining any more of our time together...you hang in there and I'll be praying for you...

I won't be back until February 4th, but if you need to talk, you can email me at [email]sams_mail7777@hotmail.com.[/email]

this_hrts, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and advice. that is great advice about not bringing up OW. I believe I have had most of my questions answered so I would rather not think about her anymore.

hope you have a great vacation!

Friday afternoon, DH sent me a draft of the No Contact letter that he was going to send. It sounded good and he said he would sent it that night. Friday night passed and he did not send it. I asked him about it a couple of times but did not want to hound. Asked him again last night and he said he would send it. But he did not send it last night either. So that tells me that he really does not want to send it.

We bought His Needs/Her Needs but could not find Surviving the Affair so we ordered it from MB.com.

The weekend was good. I did wonder if he was thinking about her as there were times he seemed distant. But his words and actions state that this is where he wants to be, that this is how he always wanted things between us. If so, then why not send the letter?

What do I do if he continues to procrastinate sending the NC letter?

Resentment, did you all set a deadline for sending the letter? If not use POJA to negotiate a date. Nothing else to discuss with WH at that point. If the deadline comes and goes without the letter being sent, then you should expose the affair to all people that you know that will put pressure on it to end.

Sounds like WH is agreeing with you to buy himself time and plans on betraying any promises he has made. I hope that he proves me wrong. You need to decide just what you will and will not accept from him, and when he crosses that boundary, you take the necessary steps to protect yourself from him. His agreeing to send the letter and then not sending it means he is not agreeing to NC, you need to either accept that or move to plan A. Just make sure that you negotiate a deadline otherwise it is not clear when he should have sent the letter by.

Under no circumstances should you use exposure as a threat or in any way let him know that is your next step. He will try to talk you out of it or undermine it in some way. You are taking control of your life at this point and do not need his permission to protect yourself from the harm he is doing.

Good Luck

No we have not set a deadline for sending the letter, as he keeps telling me he is going to send it. We are waiting for the book to arrive so we can start an actual plan.

But he told me that he was going to send it, so now I keep waiting. Should I e-mail and ask him when he is going to send it? Should I persue it any more or wait for him to bring it up?

I was getting ready to send him an e-mail asking for the final time when he is going to send it, but thought I would come here for advice.

Part of me feels that he is just waiting for me to calm down so he can resume, hence the reason for not wanting to send the letter. If he does not send the letter, which tells me that he doesn't want to end contact, do I go to Plan B?

Hope the book arrives soon...

I'm trying really hard not to talk about her, but it does slip out occasionally.

At this point should we be discussing our relationship? We got HNHN and he said we would read it together. Should I ask when we are going to do that or wait for him to take the lead?

Although he is being very affectionate, loving and caring, all this comes back to my feeling of him just trying to buying some time...

Lots of questions today!

At this stage, am I able to request that he

1. send NC letter
2. provide me with copies of future cell phone bills
3. account for his day more to me

Should I request this? If he is not willing to do any/all of this then what next?