Bump, someone please help! Tell me what I need to do.

Hello-
I don't know why the pros aren't jumping in here to help you! I read your situation and it seems like you have lots of potential to get through this with your husband- so I'm chiming in just to keep your thread up near the top <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I didn't have to break up an active affair (my husband told me many years after it was over), so I haven't been through this. There are many people here who have lived through it and can help you! But I have read lots of material here and I'll put in my two cents...

One of the rules about the no contact letter is that your husband writes it, YOU AND HE both sign it, and YOU MAIL IT. That way, you are sure that she gets it. And she sees that you and your husband are a team. Often people mail it as a certified letter so you will even have her signature.

Meanwhile, don't contact her at all. Stay away from her- it will waste your time and just get you upset. Focus on your marriage. Have you read about "Plan A"? Your husband loves you and wants attention from you. This is very, very good. Capitalize on that. Find out HOW he wants attention. Put all your energy into him.

I'm cheering you on- I'm sure you can do this!
~Saturn

If I were you, I would be very firm about the NC letter. He told you he would send it out on Friday. He did not. You have inquired, he has strung you along.

Tell him you are troubled by these facts and that you need to know that the NC letter has gone out and that you want to be there when it is sent. Tell him that you see no reason why that should not happen NOW. Ask him for the earliest available appointment when the two of you can get together and send it out. Hold him to that appointment. Stand firm, don't let him play around like this. Don't let him think that you will allow him to play around like this. If he thinks he can play you re the NC letter, what else will he play you about.
Lake

Thanks for your responses. It's so hard to know what is the right thing to do right now, so any advice is greatly appreciated!

I will ask about the NC letter tonight, I want it to go out tonight.

Can I ask for all the other things as well>?

Resentment,
How did it go? Did you negotiate a date?

Oh Yes, without a doubt, to ask for copies of his cell phone bill and to ask for an accounting of his day are very good concrete requests. If I were you, I would also ask for copies of any and all bank statements and credit card account activity. These are very appropriate requests from you at this point. Make these requests tonight and make sure you are able to look at every dollar that he has access to.

I would be concerned if I were you because he said he would send out the NC letter and then he did not. He may still be involved with OW or at least keeping her in the background for future activity with her. I would be doing some serious snooping if I were you. I would also be deciding if I needed to expose him to his workplace. There are many on this site who would tell you to go ahead and expose him to his workplace at this very point in time. It seems that there is considerable evidence that indicates that marriages can only begin to recover when no contact has been established. no contact means truly no contact. The fact that they work together is very troubling and indicates that he probably is continuing to have some contact. This means that your marriage cannot begin to recover. This is something for you to think about as the evidence of contact equals no recovery is pretty strong.
Lake

DH sent the NC e-mail. I KNOW it is her e-mail address.

She sent a response which DH has not read yet:

I respect your decision and I too feel that what happen was wrong. It should of never happen, it was just one of those things and nothing more. I want to say to your wife that I am very sorry and I was wrong to allow this to go on. I tried to end it at one point but for what ever reason it didn't happen and I now feel very guilty for it and hate the fact I wasn't a better women. I hope x(me BS) can forgive me. I have never done anything like this before nor will it ever happen again.

As for work, it will remain strictly business and professional. I'm sure you will respect that as well.

Part of me really wants to delete this e-mail before he reads it. What if he responds to this? What would you do?

Thanks!

To answer some of the other questions. As far as spending I handle our money/budget know where all the the money goes. He has 1 debit card from our checking account and he gets x amount of cash each week for lunches. Not enough to go out and purchase any big items.

DH has been checking in more during the day. Coming home for lunch or stopping by after lunch. He also leaves the office right at 5:00. He is being very affectionate and loving.

I think they have already been partially exposed at work as there was ALOT of talk going on. More than my DH wants to believe. Of course OW could not keep it to herself that she was banging the big boss. My snooping skills found this out. The need for them to be in future contact will be limited as there really was not much need for it in the past.

Emotionally, I'm doing a little better. Still cry over the littlest things. Still not eating much. I wanted SF on Sunday and Monday (this is after 3 days of SF) and he was tired. For years he has been taking Effexor, so he was really only ever up to 2 to 3 times a week max. He needed a couple of days to recover. We had SF last night but something happened that has made me upset, but trying not to show it. Also he's done 1 or 2 things that during SF that I think are different and I can't help but think that this is something that he did with her.

Two things:

1. NC should include one or both leaving the job if they have contact with each other at the office. BTDT - ended up delaying our recovery for several months while my FWS continued to work with the OM. The longer the continue to work together, the longer your recovery is going to be.

2. Concerning SF, this is my view: don't let the OW "own" any act of SF that you may enjoy with your H. If he's done something new with you, ask about it. If it's something that you both enjoyed, then make sure it's a memory that he associates with SF between the two of you, not SF with the OW. If it's something that he enjoys and you're so-so about it, then release the giver in you and make sure that your H associates the memory with you, not the OW. If it's something that you can't or won't do, and it's something that your H really wants, then you need to talk it out and come to some sort of agreement about it. Don't let things go unspoken or unsaid - where's the Openness and Honesty in that?


Enjoyment of SF was one of the "dealbreakers" for me after my W disclosed her A. Of the many questions I asked her, I asked her if there was anything different in the SF, and was there anything in particular that she noticed or enjoyed. I mentally separated the act of SF from the A, and tried to put into practice what I learnt during that conversation. Our SF, though now not as frequent as it was in the months after D-Day, is certainly better now than it was before the A, partly because of that talk.

We can't make her leave her job and it will be months before my DH could apply/interview/move for another job.
He has sent out a couple of resumes, but now the wait begins. In his line of work, if he gets another job, it would require a move so we are talking that this whole process could take anywhere from 4 to 6 months. There is no way around that. Now she go go get a secretary/administrative assistant position anywhere.

ManInMotion, good tip about the SF and about how to think. What has happened is not really something new (as he and I had already tried/done pretty much everything) but just the way he did it. Something that I had wanted him to do for awhile, had tried to guide him but didn't come right out and tell him do it this way instead of that way. Well he did it that way and it must be because she had told him. Felt great to me, but hurts knowing that it may have been learned from her. Really such a little thing in the grand scheme but a huge impact on me. I didn't say anything to him, ask him about it. Should I?

Listen - my FWW lost her virginity to the OM during her first A. If someone can recover from *that* and enjoy good SF with the FWS, I think you can recover from what you're feeling now. The hurt will go away, once you start associating specific acts of SF with you and your H, not the OW and your H.

Sounds to me like you need to ask him about it. Perhaps you're a "details" person like me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. If you are a "details" person, I think that if you don't ask him, it will continue to fester in your mind until you *have* to ask him about it. Just ensure that you are mentally prepared to deal with his response. So what happens if it's true that the OW showed him something new? What do you plan to do? Are you going to "punish" him by making sure that it never happens again when have SF with him? Or are you going to encourage him to continue doing it with you because you like it and he likes it to? My view again: don't let the OW "own" any act of SF that you and your S enjoy together. As for any acts that he didn't enjoy, she can own those <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Huh? I don't get it. You mean your marriage wasn't consumated until after she had an affair?

I guess the anger is starting to come for me, can someone tell me how to deal with it so I don't blow up at him.

We had a slight confrontation last night as I thought he had contacted her because he had deleted a call from his call log. It was a call to someone else but he did not want to add fuel the file. So today he signed up for online access to his cell bill and he gave me access. So I was able to see who he called last night. But I was also able to see the calls he made to OW starting back in November.

I gained access to his second e-mail account and was able to see the e-mails exchanged between them and now with the call logs I feel like I do have the last piece of the puzzle. I'm drained from all this snooping. I had started to get my appetite back but today it's gone again after viewing the cell bills. There were not alot of calls but the time of some of them upset me.

He got angry at me last night because I didn't believe him when he told me who he called.

I know to recover I have got to let this go and I'm just about there and don't really want to talk about it anymore. But I'm starting to ask myself why do I want to save this marriage so bad. He is a good husband and father but I just can't imagine living the rest of my life wondering what he is really up to. Wondering, worrying that if I get upset mad at him then the next female that throws herself at him, then he will take the bait. Things are great when I don't bring up the subject and am the loving, doting, affectionate wife. Why do I have to do all the work?

I've worked at home for almost 8 years, but for almost a year I have thought about getting a new job where I "go to work". Now I'm think about going back to work/in the office so that I can see what it's like to get attention. I know right now I'm vunerable so I'm not going to do that yet.

The book arrived and I am reading it, but it is not helping me deal with these emotions. We are suppossed to go out tonight and tomorrow night. Tonight is a fancy affair and I want to have fun. I need to stop feeling the way I am feeling right now so that I can have fun. Can someone please give me some advice as to what to do????

Hey, just got back from vacation and wondering how you are doing...I'm really sorry that not more people are jumping in to help you, because I think your M has a wonderful chance at surviving this and I know how important encouragement is at this point. Just hearing that others have been where you are and survived it is sometimes enough to keep hope alive. I guess they are more concerned with the situations that have less chance of surviving and think they need more guidance...I don't feel that way, so I'd like to see you keep posting..

That said, your anger is so totally normal...as is his defensivness when you don't trust him ... but really, why the ****** should you trust him right now?? I know I didn't trust my H for months after D-day and checked every little discrepency in his call logs, etc...they just don't seem to 'get' that after the ultimate betrayal, we can't just go back to being the trusting little spouse they were used too, I told my H..well, this is what happens when you lie and cheat. I never suspected what you were up to the whole time you were screwing the ho, it's going to take time for me to get back to a place where I can believe in you again. He accepted that after a while and we moved along, we are in a great place now because we didn't give up and worked through the phases that are NORMAL. I know it's hard to keep your cool in situations that make you suspicious..and I will never suggest that you 'let anything go', but try not to react too hastily when things tweak your radar. Confirm before reacting if you can. I know a lot of times I would freak myself out over something and then once I looked more closely, discovered that it was nothing but my hyper vigilence getting me worked up.

So how are things going with you now? I think I read that OW responded to the no contact letter? Typical..they really don't get the meaning..I personally would have deleted the mail before he read it, but that's just me...update me...

When I came here after my D-day, a wonderful, wonderful lady reached out to me and became my confidant and sounding board, I really couldn't have made it without her. Please contact me if you like at sams_mail7777@hotmail.com, I'd be happy to talk with you privately and at least give you someone to come to when things get rough..I've been there hun, I'll try if you need me...

Thanks for checking in with me.

We just got back from a wonderful 5 days away with no kids. We had a wonderful time and tried not to talk too much about OW. I did ask a few questions and he answered.
But overall the time was just perfect. He has another conference next week (she was going to try and go on that one) and I'm going with our 2 youngest children. Super nice oceanfront resort so it will be nice to get away again without the kids.

Recovery has been going very well. He is being very open and honest and will respond to any question that I ask. I have access to his wireless account and can see all calls on a daily basis and I discovered the secret e-mail account and he gave me the passwords and I was able to read all the e-mails. Unbeknownst to him, I spend alot of time pouring over the e-mails and the call records trying to reconstruct how things transpired. It still so hard to believe that it just seemed so easy, how quickly it transpired. The first day he kissed her he sent me an e-mail saying now that we have both completed the MB questionaires when do we want to talk about them. He had kissed her and then e-mailed me. Then the next week they had sex for the first time and the next day he sent a loving e-mail to me wanting to work on our issues? How could he think that way?????

He never did go thru any type of withdrawl, as he said her feelings for her were not that strong. The night he told me about the affair, he told me that the sex with her was great. Now this really hurt because I thought we had wonderful exciting sex, so how could anything compare. I can't imagine recreating what we have with anyone else. It took years to create that comfort level. I asked him last why he said the sex was great and he said just because it was different, basically the excitement of the affair. But he said nothing could compare to us together. But what he wanted from me was so much more than sex, he wanted attention, admiration and for me to soften up. All of which I have done and done so gladly.

They still work in the same building, have passed each other but have not spoken. But in all my snooping right after D-day I found out some information about her. She had just separated from her husband right before she made her move on my DH. It was like literally the next day she let him know that she was attracted to him. Well right after DH broke it off with her, she went right back to her husband. They are still separated but she is persuing him.
She had told DH that she had not had sex in 2 years and I told him that was a lie because the husband had just moved out right before she made her move on him. DH was convinced that OW had not told anyone, that the talk at the office was just gossip. But I found out that she had told one of her co-workers and at first he couldn't believe it. But now that the little bit of fog is gone he is seeing the OW for what she truly is and he is mad. He feels played and used.

So while I'm grateful that it really does seem like it's ended, I feel funny/strange that he has such a strong reaction to the "true" person that she is. Opposite of love is hate. I wonder to myself if he didn't find this out would he have still held on to feeling for her???? Anyone else feel anything similar???

For Valentines Day, OW sent a fancy gift basket to her husband and he sent her a dozen roses. I think they are still separated but trying now to reconcile. DH is angry because he feels used and I'm upset that this women pranced into our lives, created such havoc and now is trying to get back with her husband. I know nothing about why they separated and DH does not either. But I want her husband to know what she did to us. I want to contact him and tell the husband what she did the day after he left. But things have died down at the office and I don't want to stir the pot again. It would not really serve DH and I for me to tell him, it would just be revenge on my part. I want to be better than that.

Or would MB suggest that tell the OW husband?

bump - updated displayed name

Preface this by saying that we have read HNHN and the book is WONDERFUL. So much more info in the book than there is on the site.

Coming here so I won't LB at DH. Post D-Day I feel like I can't get upset at him because he tells me that I'm going back to the "old me". But he does some things that just annoy me. In the grand scheme they are minor but still annoying. A long standing issue is that he won't set an alarm. He will either wake up on time on his own or me or one of the kids will go in a wake him up. I hated feeling like his mother telling him it was time to get up. Alot of times I wouldn't wake him up and would let him deal with the consequences of not getting up but usually one of the kids would wake him up. It's just one of things that get under my skin, you are a grown man, set your alarm!!! So this morning I go in and gently wake him and he says I'm not getting up now. Ugh! So I annoyed that I stopped working to go wake him up but he's not getting up and he's just going to mosey on into work when he feels like it.

So I'm annoyed at him (and I know it is minor) but I feel I need to not let it annoy me because he will say things like it was because I was mean to him that is why he was attracted to the OW...

BrighterFuture,

You might feel as though revenge is an unethical reason for exposing. But NOT exposing to someone who was DIRECTLY affected by this situation....is far more unethical. Her husband has a right to the same information that you have so that he has the same choices about his future that you had. You might assume that your H was the only one....and maybe he wasn't....her husband deserves the right to make sure that she's tested for STDs. He deserves the right to understand the depth of dysfunction in their marriage so that he can seek professional help for the two of them. Aside from that....the OW will learn nothing, and potentially put another family at risk....if her secret is kept and she faces no consequences.

I'm sure it's scary to think that it might shake up her reconciliation with her husband....and it probably WILL...at FIRST. But marital bonds are strong. Having pressure from both sides, may encourage your husband or this OW to get out of the uncomfortable work situation.

"Annoying Habits" are one of those insidious love bank drainers because they are repeated over and over again. You know, recently.....I bought one of the new clocks available at Walmart. They're cheap and pretty cool. They automatically set the right time by satellite and the alarm can be programed for each day of the week and it will always be set. You have a right to be annoyed....but helping your husband to successfully avoid annoying you....is okay too.

Remember, your H didn't have an affair with someone else because she was better than you....but he felt better about HIMSELF when he was with her. Examine your threshold for annoyance a little bit okay? In the grand scheme of things....do you really want the alarm to be your hill to die on....and is it WORTH the drop in value your husband will feel if you imply that he's acting like a child? He doesn't want you to be his mother....that's how you feel...but he's not "making" you feel that way. You can choose not to interpret this situation in that way. So....he's irresponsible about the alarm....and probably other things too....but what does he have RIGHT? What's good about him? Do you make as big a deal about those things? I bet she did. Be smart chere.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />