My Story!

I have been lurking on MB for 1.5 mos. I have learned a lot from the posters here, and I wanted to tell my story (sorry, it’s a long one) for anyone who is interested bc MB has helped me greatly, and it is possible that someone else may gain something positive from my story.


I married my WW (who I thought was the woman of my dreams) in 6/1994. We had dated more than two years before getting married, and most of that time we lived together b/c we had immediately hit it off, and were spending all of our time together.

My WW had a 4yo DS from a prior relationship (never married) when we started dating. The bio-father was a complete loser. For example, when DS was born, this man refused to have his name put on the birth certificate b/c he didn’t want to be responsible for CS. Also, during the time WW and I were dating, he would never call DS or see him, or whatever…not on BDay, Xmas, whatever. Once a year, WW would get a call from this man in the morning stating that he would be passing our area later in the day, and would like to give DS Bday and Xmas presents…months after the special days had passed.

WW hated the way this man treated DS, and after WW and I married, I agreed to adopt DAdoptS and raise him as my own. After the adoption, in the year of our wedding, WW and DAdoptS had NC with OM for 12 years, and this was fairly easy bc OM lived 8 hours away from us.

I was very involved with DAdoptS…always coaching sporting teams, etc, and while DAdoptS and I were never ‘close’, I loved him and spent a lot of time with him. Now, I am sending him to college. WW and I had two additional children. Our children’s ages are DAdoptS = 19, DD = 10, and DS = 7.

WW and I had a somewhat rocky marriage, always fighting about SF (me more/her less), and WW always wanting us to buy bigger and better houses, cars, vacation land, etc. We were two selfish people never wanting to give unconditionally, and always trying to take from the other. We were both the eldest child in our families growing up, and were used to getting what we wanted.

I was the more selfish of the two of us, and several years ago, I started a behavior pattern that disgraces me. When I didn’t feel my SF needs were being met, I would put serious emotional pressure on my WW until they were met, including withdrawing emotionally, angry outbursts, etc. Further, there were times when I was so wrapped up in my own needs, that I couldn’t see how drastically I was hurting my WW and my M. At one point, WW even checked herself into a hospital to help her deal with the emotional pain I was causing her. After a while, I stopped this behavior pattern because I eventually came to realize the pain I was causing, but my WW did not truly forgive me until recently, and she harbored that resentment inside of her for several years. I believe that this was one of the biggest reasons for my WW going outside of our M.

About 18 months ago, our fights became nastier and more frequent, which was about the same time that my business took on a lot more work.

WW and I have worked together in my home-based business for 2.5 years, and we spend just about every moment together.

In June of this year, DAdoptS graduated HS, and told WW that he was curious about bio-father (OM) and wanted to contact him. WW approached me on the subject, and I stated that I supported DAdoptS in his decision, but that I thought DAdoptS should proceed when he was ready, and that I was not comfortable with WW being involved. This conversation did not go any further, and I thought that everything was agreed upon.

In late July, I sent my wife and children on a 3.5 week vacation to the same place that we have vacationed every year that we have been together. WW and kid’s stayed with MIL/FIL at their new vacation home built there this summer (which is about 8 hours away from our home). However, this home is in the same local area as the OM (bio-father of DAdoptS). I was too busy to stay for any length of time this summer, so I commuted back/forth on the weekends, but instead of spending my reduced vacation time with WW and kids, I spent most of the time alone/fishing (again selfish).

The last weekend that I commuted for vacation, WW told me that she had contacted and visited with OM because she wanted to save DAdoptS from any pain should OM not be interested in DAdoptS after so many years. It turns out that OM was in prison over the summer, for drug charges. After hearing that WW visited OM in jail, I went ballistic, since I thought we had agreed that WW would not be involved with DAdoptS meeting bio-father (OM). WW and I had a huge blowout that lasted over several days, with WW threatening to leave, but we reconciled and decided to work on marriage until Jan. 2007.

R work went well for a few weeks, then fights ensued again, and work schedule for both of us was terribly crazy. We had plans to go back to MIL/FIL vacation home to celebrate Thanksgiving, and in Oct WW asked if she could go up to vacation home a week earlier to have some alone-time.

A big fight started 11/8/06, bc I found out WW had changed DAdoptS’ flight home from college to pull him out of school early and fly him directly to vacation state, instead of home, and this cost addt’l $. Then a few days prior to when WW was scheduled to leave for her alone-time week, I found cell phone records showing that WW and OM have been talking and t/m since early Sept. I confronted WW, and I was told that WW and OM had been talking about DAdoptS, and that WW, OM and DAdoptS had arranged a meeting near vacation home during WW’s alone-time week, which I was completely unaware. Another huge fight started, that ended with WW agreeing to stay home instead of alone-time, WW agreeing to no more contact with OM since OM and DAdoptS had already communicated via phone, DAdoptS agreeing to re-connect with me and our family, and to not spend time over Thanksgiving with OM, bc I had not seen DAdoptS since mid-Aug. and so that I would not feel as though I paid to $$$ to fly DAdoptS to spend time with OM, but that DAdoptS could meet OM in the future.

Everyone happily leaves together as a family for Thanksgiving, two days prior. DAdoptS and I get along famously, and this year DAdoptS’s 19th Bday is Thanksgiving Day. Then the day before Thanksgiving, DAdoptS asks me if I would mind if DAdoptS spent Thanksgiving/Bday with OM. I was seriously hurt by this, said ‘whatever’ and went on a drinking binge that ended with me fighting with WW, and ending up at a hotel alone.

I came back to vacation home on Thanksgiving, but WW informed me that we are ‘done’ and that she will not return home with me and the kids…she will stay at vacation home alone, w/o transportation and 30 mins from the nearest town. I begged and pleaded for two days, but it was to no avail…WW needed ‘space’ to think about our M, and finally the kids and I left WW at vacation home. (I later found out, that WW had planned, and packed, to stay up there alone, even though I thought that we were trying to re-connect in our M and family life.)

The day after we left, I found out that WW had contacted OM to drive her places to get supplies/food/etc. even though WW had a SIL that lived much closer. WW and OM were continuing to spend time together. During that week, I pressured WW to come home several times knowing that the more time she spent with OM, meant the greater chance of a PA starting. WW finally became angry with me, and broke off contact with me.

WW came home unannounced after this week, and immediately said that she wanted a divorce. She also said that she and OM were at vacation home alone the previous night until 3:30am, but that ‘nothing’ happened, even though she WANTED something to happen. I was shocked, devastated.

The next day, I badgered WW to find out if she was lying about no PA with OM, and stated that “All she had to do would be to tell me that she slept with OM, and that we would be over.” WW again stated no PA, but that she had been ready and willing, AND she wanted out of our marriage, so she told me that she had had a PA 18 mos. ago during the prior summer with OM2, when she went to visit other family and help them through a medical emergency. I think WW was hoping that I would throw her out at this point. I was annihilated now…two OM, with one PA and the most recent EA.

WW applied for a job in a state much closer to OM and vacation home, and intended to move there to pursue a new career, but that WW would return home on weekends to see the children.

The following month was brutal, and the holidays were also. In early Dec., I found MB, did some major research and constant lurking, and started Plan A. I think I did a good Plan A, EXCEPT that I could not control my negative feelings of impending doom, and these feeling translated into a constant morose-ness in me throughout the holidays, even though I tried to plaster a smile on my face and put a lilt in my voice.

Then on 1/2/07, I decided that I had enough of being sad about separation/divorce, and that I would no longer feel bad…it was a New Year, and time to move on with my life. This was the first day that I had felt good in a while, and WW noticed, asked, and I told her that she was free to go whenever she wanted, and that I would not be sad any longer.

The strangest thing happened later that day, when I went out for a couple of hours. The ‘fog’ that I had been reading about on MB lifted during those two hours, and WW realized that I was ‘letting go’ and that she had the freedom to make her own decision, and when I returned home, WW had researched and printed out info for several marriage workshops, and she wanted to work on our M. WW and I talked all night, like we haven’t communicated in years. We discussed some major changes that I realized that I needed to make, and she did as well. SF returned like crazy.

WW and I chose the 1st available workshop, and attended it last weekend, and it was incredible…everything we had hoped for. Late in the workshop, in a very moving moment, WW confessed her A’s to the group in the workshop and finally expressed deep remorse and asked for my forgiveness. This was something that I had really been waiting for, and while it hurt to have WW’s A’s known by strangers, it was also strangely uplifting and powerful. Also, WW declared to the group that she was not only willing to work on the M, but that she was ready to RE-COMMIT, and wanted to have a new ceremony including symbolic rings.

Since the fog had lifted on 1/2/07, and my WW had changed her mind, our M has been amazing. After the workshop last week, WW gave me complete O&H, and she answered all of my questions about the A’s, and she was there for me and comforting when the pain hit again from knowledge of the details. Also, we had two issues arise during the week, but with the techniques we learned in the workshop, we were able effectively deal with them together without fighting, and without bad feelings. We have been communicating with ease, and letting each other know what is going on in our minds/feelings everyday, and also making all plans and decisions together, instead of one-sided decisions or your turn/my turn decisions.

I now consider my WW a FWW. I also consider myself blessed to have her in my life, and I realize that she IS and always will be the woman of my dreams. I have read many posts here at MB, and I am very thankful for the advice I was able to glean from the knowledgeable posters, even though I have not really posted my sitch before.

FWW says that if I had been supportive of her decision to contact OM for DAdoptS back in the beginning, then we could have contacted OM together for DAdoptS and shown OM that we were a united family, and there would have been no room for OM to worm his way into our lives, and no way for the EA to start. I think this is a valid point, and I wish now that I had the presence of mind to understand and deal with my own insecurities on this issue and be there for my FWW and DAdoptS. However, I also believe that if my FWW felt strongly enough about this issue to let the original conversation end and contact OM on her own, then she should have been more adamant in her stance on this issue, and helped me recognize and deal with my insecurities, and kept me informed of her definite plans to establish contact before doing so, and let me know that there was ongoing contact starting in Sept. This situation is a prime example of our prior lack of communication. With our renewed feelings for each other, our improved communication skills, and our renewed commitment to constantly better our M, I don’t believe we will encounter any future situations like this.

We are in Recovery and Rebuilding!!

If anyone can offer any advice on what future pitfalls we may encounter, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you all!

FWW says that if I had been supportive of her decision to contact OM for DAdoptS back in the beginning, then we could have contacted OM together for DAdoptS and shown OM that we were a united family,

Talk about being full of ******..Sorry man!!!

Lostboy,

I share this from recent experience, although I am nearly as new as you on MB. Your honeymoon stage will be challenged by many like Marcus who pointed out just one area in which you may be vulnerable.



Be careful.....it appears you may have given your WW the "F" designation without her having to earn it....which takes time. In doing so, you may set yourself up for her to make 'foggy' statements (which appears to be a DJ designed to guilt-trip you) that you may not recognize as such.

My story is similar in timeline. When I gave up and told WH to leave, he came out of the fog, seemingly instantaneously. But as jubilant as I was and still am, I know we have a long road ahead of us, which many posters like Marcus are pointing out to us.

Inner Strength's thread in the Recovery forum about improved marriages and the long recovery process has some great insights that explain what I am trying to say.

Also, you can read part of our story in the Romantic Experiences forum entitled My MR ROMANCE...

I noticed you posted this originally in late January but it appears Marcus' post is your first response. Not sure why that happened but sometimes long posts succumb to what I call "speed-bumping" that happens on GQII often. I hope you're still around.....oh I see you did post a few days ago.

LB, I am truly happy for you and I hope your honeymoon is still going strong like ours is. But you asked for potential pitfalls and Marcus and I pointed out a few. Hopefully others with far more experience than I have will share some, too.

How are things going now?

Ace

it is very unusual that someone remembers an exact date



unless there was an event that day .... what was your event on 1/2/07?

Pep

Ace,

I gave FWW the F because she had maintained no contact since she came home from her week away (with OM meetings)after Thanksgiving, and because she was 100% committed to rebuilding our M. I can see that I may be vulnerable to some foggy statements during this time frame, and I still do NOT believe that FWW should have contacted OM on her own without my knowledge...I feel that FWW initiated contact solely to protect DAdoptS feelings. You have to remember that DAdoptS was still a child just out of HS (even though he was 18), and contacting a bio-father that you haven't seen or talked to since you were 4 or 5 yo, is a huge emotional step. However, due to the state of our M at the time, and FWW allowing continued contact THEN something started to develop.

As far as how things are going...I am still in the honeymoon period complete with loving feelings, thankfulness that she is in my life, spontaneous acts of affection, communication, etc. I had a really bad day yesterday and was thinking about FWW in her PA. FWW's feelings/actions have cooled somewhat over the last couple of weeks, although she has been meeting most of my ENs. We talked about it the other day, and again this morning. I am hoping that if I continue to meet her needs, that the cooling period will end/reverse.


Pep,

I remember the exact dates very well because these dates were emotionally significant turning-point dates in my M. Also the 1/2/07 date you referenced was significant bc I was hoping that WW would change her mind to stay in the M on NYE, but NYE stunk and she was emotionally unavailable. Then on NY Day, I spent the day incredibly low emotionally. The following day 1/2/07, the kids went back to school, I decided to 'let go', and then FWW made a complete 180 and decided to stay and rebuild M.

Hi LoBy (LB makes me think I'm calling you Lovebuster!)

Thanks for your response, but sorry I couldn't reply sooner.


The last thing I want to do is rain on your honeymoon parade. But check my badge on honor sig line....I'm nearly the D-Day queen....b/c we did not know about MB AND because I ignored times when my H seemed a little quiet and acted a little cooler at times. He was meeting my needs in a big way, but he had taken his A further underground.

I T ... T A K E S ... T I M E!!!

It was so horrible to discover he had NOT gotten over it when he had all the right signs. But if my experiences with being ignorant of withdrawal symptoms can help someone like you, then I'm glad I had to endure it.

Please be cautiously optimistic....not paranoid, but guarded. You and your W are very early in your recovery, just like us. But I thought we were in recovery 8 months ago after D Day #1 when he seemed so committed.

The fog has tentacles....at least ours appeared to have fingerlings that caused my H to appear to fade in and out for the first 4 months after D day #1. It was when I told him to go that he forced the foggy foothold to flee! (Yeah, I like alliteration too much, I know.)

Anyhow, I just wanted to encourage you to not be overconfident so early. Keep posting....and if you feel something is not right, it may not be. Share it here and we'll help.

In the meantime, ain't the honeymoon grand? My H and I have moments, ups & downs, ins and outs, but so far he is proving that we can stay in our honeymoon phase forever....and we're going on 4 months now!

What type of marriage conference did you attend? Was it MB?

Ace

Hi Ace:

LoBoy works...Definitely don't want to LB or be known as a LoveBuster.

I chose the name LostBoy from one of my favorite movies from the '80's The Lostboys. Had a huge crush on Jami Gertz and always thought that W resembled her.

Thank you for your responses and advice, I didn't think anyone really cared about my sitch when I received no responses from the original post, but it was probably too long. I think the MB community is great...I don't know what I would have done had I not found MB in my time of need. I learned a lot by constant lurking and reading others' stories here, and the advice that was given. It gave me stregnth knowing that I was not alone in what I was going through.

I do realize that recovery is a long process that takes time, and yes I realize that I was probably too confident when I wrote my oginial post, but that was bc I was only 1-2 weeks out from the marriage workshop, and we were both riding sky-high. Now that we are past the initial high, and we both are continuing to work on and rebuild the M.

One of the things that I do everyday is to remember the horrible feelings I was going through when I thought W was leaving...It helps me to keep the butterflies alive, to be thankful that we are together, and to prevent me from drifting back into that comfort zone (that everyone has) and taking her for granted.

I know that my W is committed to rebuilding our M and that there has been NC bc W and I work together, and spend almost every minute together. I think this is why things have cooled somewhat for my W...bc we are always together, not bc she has lingering low-lying fog leanings (Aliteration right back at you). In fact, we had a much better day yesterday; laughing, dinner out then playing games with the kids, affection.

Yes, I know what you mean, the honeymoon is fantastic. I can't remember our relationship ever being this good, except for when we were dating.

The marriage workshop we went to was not MB. During the time when W was leaving, I had suggested the MB weekend several times, but she didn't want to go, or do anything M related. So when W changed her mind about the M, and did her own research into M workshops, I jumped at the chance. It turned out that she picked a great workshop.

The workshop was called "Secrets of Extraordinary Relationships" and was lead by Charlie and Linda Bloom, authors of "101 Things I wish I knew when I got Married." The workshop was probably equal parts learning, and group therapy. It was really helpful to hear the M problem stories of other couples and to hear that the workshop leaders had M problems years ago...just to know that all of our problems weren't isolated in our M.

I will read your Mr Romance thread and Inner Strength's recovery thread over the weekend. Sorry it took so long to respond, been very busy the last couple of days.

LoBoy

Hey Loboy,

No problem with the delay....just didn't want you to think I was raining on your honeymoon parade too much.

Look forward to hearing how things are going. Does your W post on MB? If so, what does she go by?

My H is not so inclined yet but that's OK.

Keep us posted on your progress.

Ace

Ace:

Things are going well! How are things with your H and your rebuilding efforts?

My W has not posted on MB...she is a little wary of MB but recognizes that it is helpful for me. Also W feels that the advice received on message boards are somewhat one-sided bc only one spouse is posting. So before I posted our story, I let her read it and make any corrections to let her feel that both sides of the story were adequately reflected.

I will catch up on your story.

LoBoy

Hi LoBoy,

My husband said somthing this morning that will be the start of chapter 6 of my MR. ROMANCE Saga. We are still on our Honeymoon High and don't ever want to come back down after 4, now going on 5 months.

Please post on the Romance Thread after you've read the first 5....well, actually 2 and a half chapters as the other part was removed for personal ID reasons, but I will email it if you're interested. I probably won't get to chapter 6 until next week or week-end.

Thanks,
Ace

PS My husband, like your wife is glad I am getting support on these forums and have a place to vent and ask questions.