My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. During our relationship we have had many ups and downs, however, the current situation that I am in leaves me in a kind of cloudy state of mind.
After 2.5 years and living together for 1.5 years my g/f decided that school was not for her any longer and she accepted a position 100 miles away. At the time we were not in the best state, having intimate, communication, and overall distant problems that went unresolved. I was not yet ready to marry her and felt I could not make her do what she did not want to do and so I let her move.
It was even more difficult once she had moved and I found it hard to make time to drive and see her with a job and going to school full time. She then started going out a lot and not calling me and started hanging out with a new “friend”. We were broken up within 2 weeks. During this time, it was ****** for me, knowing and believing that I had messed everything up and tried desperately to make things up to her. I did things such as writing letters, making a lot more time to come and see her…but she didn’t want to be with me (or “couldn’t”) as she needed time to “find herself”.
A few weeks later she wanted to get back together, crying and telling me how much she missed me. We got back together but I had my doubts about what actually happened.
A week later she admitted that she had slept with her “friend” 3 times but never while we were dating. This friend also happened to be her supervisor and had a fiancée. However, she did not want to be with him and was very sorry for her mistake. We got back together.
You ever get the feeling that you only know half of the truth? Well that is the way I have felt and to this point still feel that way. Over the next couple of months, through prodding and determined questioning, more details came out. Such things as, she actually had sex with him while we were dating (duh), made out with him after we got back together, and for 1 ½ months she continued to see him as “friends” behind my back. She believed that she had to be friends with him to keep things at work “normal”, even though she was using her friends as scapegoats and lying to me. “Nothing sexual” ever happened, however, she had what I consider sex bruises (thumb and finger prints on inner/outer thighs, ankles, waist…) on more than one occasion. All of which I have never produced in our 4 years of dating and our sex at that time was still sketchy at best. She had told me to not worry about her, but just myself (Later admitted guilt from having sex while we were broken up). She also on more than one occasion “hid” his number under a false name in her phone and only through snooping did I find it. She also refused to call him and tell him to never call again, saying she would take care of it in her own way. Once I threatened to leave, however, her tune changed and while crying she called and told him she could not see/talk to him again. His reaction?...he started laughing and hung up.
Oddly enough, we are now engaged to be married and I am still hurt, confused, mad, etc. She has apologized numerous times and vows to be the best wife and do anything possible to make us work, including getting help, counseling, etc. She has also cut all contacts with him (that I know of) and generally has been who I fell in love with. Sex, intimacy, love are all there now…but still it is really hard to believe that there isn’t anymore to know or anything that I do not know (the bruise issue was never resolved…she has no recollection nor idea where they came from). She states that there isn’t anything else and I know everything…still in my gut, heart, and mind I don’t believe this to be true. Also, it doesn’t help when I straight up ask her and it takes more than 20 seconds to answer only to revert back to her old answer. I truly feel that once you are with someone for so long you start to know them better than yourself, and you can tell when they are lying. It makes it hard because she is a “proud” person who doesn’t admit mistakes even to herself, let alone me or someone else. As much as it would hurt, I believe the whole truth not just part of it will help to start healing the wounds. I believe her fear of messing up again is keeping her from telling me everything. I do love her very much and we are great together with the exception of this huge dark time of our relationship. Your thoughts on my issue are greatly appreciated.
