the book is "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" by Donald R. Harvey

the book has some parts that remind me of "love must be tough" and other parts remind me of the things the harle's recommend

the book states that when your spouse wants to leave, or has left, you have 3 choices:

1.immediately divorce him
2.persue him
3. let him go

although the book does not have a plan similar to the harley's plan A, the strategy "letting him go" is very similar to plan B

the book states that of the 3 options, letting him go is the hardest

"letting him go" steps include:

1. taking a stand by:
-reaffirming your love
-state your concern about the problems in your marraige and your desire to save your marraige
-state your willingness to give him space and time to decide if he want to work on your marraige
-state that your decision to give him time and space is limited. you will not wait forever

2. back off (restrict contact only to business....this removes his comfort zone-his emotional connection to you)

3. structure the separation (rules regarding living arrangements and personal contact)

4. do not protect him (do not keep the facts of the separation a secret)

5. taks control of yourself (the only person you can control is you)

6. determine your expectations (if he should want to return)

the goal of "letting him go" is to give him time to resolve whatever motivated him to leave in the first place

this author believes that the motivators, or reasons, that a spouse leaves are one of 3:

1. they are "pulled out" by an affair partner (by far, the most frequent reaason)
2. they are "pushed out" due to frustrations (many spouses lie and say this is the reason but it is later revealed that they were really involved in an affair)
3. they are "put out"....they are forced to leave by a spouse eho is taking a stand for thier own safety

what i like alot about this book is that is spends many chapters dealing with issues and feelings that may arise during the period when you have "let him go" and are waiting for him to return

Hi Eav.

This is the first book I read when WH left. Actually, I read in one week before he left, when he was hinting at leaving but I was clueless as to why.

It gave me HUGE strength when he did up and leave that enabled me NOT to fall to pieces right then.

TRULY--I calmy said that that was his choice, that I didn't want him to, but he was free to make his own choices.

I think that really helped me. That mixed with the Dobson book and MB--truly, those are my 3 FAV and most recommended tools for the BS. And really, it helped me realize I was gonna be okay regardless.

Great book.

If anyone here needs it or wants it, I'll be happy to send it to them. Just let me know.

Intexas

my H and i had a false recovery for 8 months. I found SAA soon after because my H told me that our recovery was failing because i wasn't able to forgive and forget fast enough.

sadly though i didn't know that the real reason our recovery had failed was that he was again seeing the OW.

I believed his lies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

although i had found SAA, i hadn't come to this site and wasn't able to get enough info from the book to help me to realize that the signs were all there to indicate that no contact had been broken.

so i couldn't figure out why he wouldn't let me fill his love bank.

after he left and i still didn't understand why, i went searching for a reason. I bought lots of books about mid-life crisis and explored that area for some time. then i began to widen my search and i came across this book and quite a few others.

i could open my own library of broken marraige resources <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

like you, i read this book very quickly as i found it very informative. however, with no information that the A was continuing, i believed my H was "pushed out because of frustrations and unhappiness due to the guilt and shame that i made him feel because i couldn't get over the affair fast enough" as he had led me to believe.

i didn't go along with the concepts of this book or "love must be tough" at that time though. instead i tried the strategies from "Divorce Remedy". I was using "the last resort technique" I was good at "getting a life" -biking, golf lessons, walking with the dogs, showing an interest in football, making myself thin and attractive like when we had dated.....but my H wouldn't show an interest in these with me. I used the "180" approach. and i waited to see what would happen.

i was seeing signs of hope and he was talking about possibly coming home and then "wham" he sent a letter saying "it was over" When i called his family to find out what was going on...that's when i found out....a whole year after he had left that he was seeing the OW again...in fact, he had been "cake walking" all along

that brough me right back to SAA and i found this site. my beginning posts here pick up right around that time.

3 months later, he filed for "D" and that's when i contacted OWH to expose and found out they had been living togther since he had sent the "i'm done" letter 3 months earlier

since then, this site has been my main source of info.

recently i've been struggling with plan B and i remembered that the book "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" had a plan simiar to plan B so i got it back out and i have been re-reading it.

as i mentioned in my first post, it has many chapters which discuss dealing with feelings and frustrations when you have no contact, no control, little support remaining from friends and family and almost no hope left.

maybe some others here feeling the same way that i am could benefit from it also. It's very kind of you, texas, to offer to pass it along.

has anyone else read this book?

I haven't read it

it's very similar in principle to

Love Must Be Tough ... by Dobson
that was the 1st book I read after D-day

it saved my sanity

Pep

eav,

I'll have to look that one up. I STILL sometimes get a little bogged down and frustrated with my sitch, and could use a book that has a better understanding of expectations during Plan B.

Thanks for the info...Hope you are doing well...