Has any women on here every experience this? I am noticing a pattern with my husband that I haven't seen or over looked. My husband got fired from his job the 2 month we were married. He says it was the fault of management, they treated him poorly, etc. There is some truth to that, however despite what management may say or do they are still your superiors and should be respected. I have heard him say things that a lof of people won't say to a superior. Well, after he was fired from this job he got a new one and again, there were complaints about either him using his cell phone too much or making too many mistakes and being late. Being late for any job is unacceptable unless there are circumstances beyond one's control. He admitted to me that he "job hops" and has been for years. I need stability in terms on an income. I managed to keep the same job during college for 5 years and have been on my current job for 1 year. I am so upset that he would even think that he has nothing to do with him being fired and he has been hired in the past numerous times.

I am loosing respect for my husband big time. Once everything has calmed down, and probably when he finds a job I want to present him with an agreement, that we will be responsible on the job. Otherwise, we have no marriage. I refuse to take care of a grown man that has not been able to mature in any job field. Before that I want to sit with him and have a talk about how this makes me feel. I also want to write him a letter.

Is this a good idea? How did some of the women here handle this type of situation? I also want to hear from some men who has been consistantly fired or quit jobs but realized that they were not responsible.

K..your post caught my eye b/c I was married to just such a man when I was much younger. I did a quick scan of your posts…you are a newlywed and in four (?) months have already had to deal with internet porn use combined with lack of intimacy/sex, women sending naked pics to his cell, omission/dishonesty about the amount of children he has, lack of disclosure about child support for his children, and now he won’t/can’t hold a job.

Hon…can you give a little more background as to how long you have known him, how old the both of you are, how you met ect? What's the back story on the mother(s) of his children? How many kids does he have and how/when did you find out about them?

I am 27 and he is 33 years old. I didn't know him long. I knew him, and I am ashamed to admit this, for only 2 months before I married him. In my mind I just knew that this was it for me. He told me about the children 27 days into our marriage, and I had a fit. I asked him why he didn't tell me the truth. He says that he didn't want me to leave him and was afraid because he knew that I would leave. I said you got that right. I have only met one of the 5 children's mothers. He says that these women just named him the father of the children and because the courts had a wrong address he was found father by default. In 8 years of paying child support he didn't take these women to court to get a DNA test. I am trying to do that now, but it seems like he is slacking on that.

I feel like I have married a slacker. My husband is extremely bright, but can't seem to hold a job. This has unacceptable!!! to say the least. I am either going to leave or stay with caution.

So you’ve basically known him 6-7 months now? You sound like a nice woman, I’m really sorry that you have to go though this. Just so you know, my situation was different that yours in that I was 18 when I married so I wasn’t thinking too much about financial responsibility at the time.

Seven long, difficult years later I realized that I didn’t want to have children with a guy who either quit or got fired every year. The issues with porn/ pot addiction, chronic depression, his affairs including one with the male minister of our church, all of that I coped with but NO WAY, NO HOW did I want to have children with a man who wouldn’t/couldn’t work. We all have different deal breakers but that was mine. I still can’t get over what a loser I married <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

So…your H has five children with how many different women? Is he current on all child support or is this another issue? Does he have relationships with his children? How old are they all?

I get the sense that you take responsibility seriously and that’s a good thing. You want to be very careful not to take responsibility for his issues, they are NUMEROUS and are HIS to fix. Based on your other posts (the diary, the sex thing, the kid thing) he appears to be a blame shifter, do NOT let him do that to you.

On the diary thing btw, it is an opportunity to exercise what we call Radical Honesty. Everything (????) is out on the table now. He has been very much less than honest with you, your radar is up and that is a HEALTHY response on your part.


Have you read over the Basic Concepts on the site? Here’s the link on The Policy of Radical Honesty (PORH) to get you started if you haven’t read it already. I really recommend that you do ALL the reading….it will help you understand what a healthy marriage consists of.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Sorry to ask so many questions, I actually have more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> KB

kstan,

Job hopping can be a sign of instability.



Impregnating 5 different woman is a clear sign of a misogynist. Run. Minimize your error in judgement and run like h*ll

Best of luck, you most certainly need it.

"He says that these women just named him the father of the children and because the courts had a wrong address he was found father by default"

Your hubby doesn't seem to be very in touch with reality. I would think REAL HARD before having a 6th child of his.

---My husband has 5 children with 5 different women. He see's two of his children. He pays childsupport for all of them. The oldest is 15, 12, 10, 8, 6.

I haven't read the radical honesty article just yet but I have been hearing about it.

I DON'T PLAN ON IT!!!!

K, I know the marriage is not what you expected and that’s hard. I need to ask you this: if you were to decide leave, would you be safe to do so? How do you think he would react to this?

I already threatened to leave 2 times. Eachtime he was able to state his case and I gave him a chance. I was going to put him on the streets. It is safe to leave. I have several places that I can go where he wouldn't find me.

Can you explain why would you (need?) to go somewhere where he couldn’t find you? Is it that he is extremely persuasive and you feel vulnerable to him or is there a chance he could get violent or threaten to harm himself? I hope I’m not offending you with these questions but I don’t want to jump to a bunch of knee jerk conclusions.

There is an article I’d like you to read carefully, but please don’t be put off by the title, it’s just what Dr. Joe Carver called it. If it doesn’t apply… then great, that would be wonderful. If it does you will need quite a bit of support IRL to get out of this relationship intact. I’d be interested in your thoughts. KB

http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html

My need to go somewhere is that I don't want to be bothered by his pleading and begging. He seems to have a temper and has said something to me, twice, that scared me. I don't want to repeat it. A lot of people say things that they don't mean but I do take future threats to heart.

Thanks for the article. My husband does majority of that stuff on that article. I feel like such a dummy because i believed my husband truly loved me. I was looking to be love and to love someone. He attached himself to me very quickly, wanted me to move in and I agreed. Then I changed my mind because I was raised to get married first and that's how we ended up married. I didn't have a lot of relationships. I thought I was doing the right thing. I put off serious relationships to go to school. I never really learned certain things and I have never encountered anyone like my husband that gave me so much attention at one time.

Thanks for the article. My husband does majority of that stuff on that article.

I’m SO sorry to hear that but not entirely surprised either, too many red flags waving you know? I'm a little concerned about your safety if you decide to leave (or stay). What are your thoughts now?

I feel like such a dummy because i believed my husband truly loved me. I was looking to be love and to love someone. He attached himself to me very quickly, wanted me to move in and I agreed. Then I changed my mind because I was raised to get married first and that's how we ended up married. I didn't have a lot of relationships. I thought I was doing the right thing. I put off serious relationships to go to school. I never really learned certain things and I have never encountered anyone like my husband that gave me so much attention at one time.

Don’t ever feel like a dummy !!!! You’re a smart woman who met up with a damaged/damaging guy….it has happened to plenty of others before you, trust me. Joyce Maynard, who happens to be one of my favorite writers, has her Mr. Wrong story in the current (February) issue of Vogue magazine…you can pick that up at the grocery. It’s absolutely gripping, unbelievable really and she happens to be one smart cookie. It’s an excerpt from a book called Mr. Wrong: Real Life Stories about Men We Used to Love. You are in good company, don’t beat your self up.

You don’t need to live your life feeling like a crazy woman b/c your husband is the way he is nor do you have to live afraid of what’s going to happen or come up next. You don’t have to pay the bills b/c he can’t/won’t hold a job. It is your choice and there is no shame in saying you made a good faith effort but this was NOT what you signed up for. How are you feeling today? KB

Today I am angry. I got into an arguement again with my husband, this time about the fowl language he uses when he wants to express his feelings. He told me not to text him or tell him not to cuss at him. I called him back. He routed the call directly to voice mail and I left him a message. I said that I am his wife. I am a person first of all. I would not allow a stranger to talk to me any kind of way. Why should I let you? I told him that this is unacceptable. I don't talk to you like this so don't talk to me this way.

He doesn't like it when I stand up for myself. He usually backs down when I do.

K, speaking up against disrespect is a good thing but his language really is the least of your problems right now.

If women acquaintances have been sending naked pictures of themselves to his cell phone then you need to think about being tested for STDs. Seriously. How did he explain the pictures to you? Is the cell phone still locked?

Another important issue: Child support. Five children, five separate mothers…a checkered job history, how does he pay all that CS and his own expenses? Do you know beyond a doubt that he is current with the CS? Do you know what his financial situation is?

One last question…is he currently working and financially contributing to the household?

His cell phone is still locked. I hate that he does it but he says he does because he wants privacy. He wasn't doing that before. I would always go through his cell phone but the time he started locking the phone, that really upset him.

I have already been tested and I am negative for STD's, thank GOD.

As far as his checkered work history....I am beginning to find out that he hops around jobs and always blames someone else for his misfortunes. He is willing to work, however, and has landed a new job today. I don't know how he does it with the economy being like it is in MI, but he manages quite well.

Child Support payments are in arrears. FOC takes out half of his earnings. He gets good paying jobs, but because of the FOC, it's like he is working full-time at a minimum wage job. He can't take care of his expenses on his own. He doesn't have the means to do so.

I am calmer since the last time I wrote a response. This has been a crazy 7 months. Fortunately I have means to take care of myself, so if I decide I want out I have somewhere to go and another bank account with money stashed away. Unlike him I didn't have a bunch of babies. I don't have any children at all.

Child Support payments are in arrears. FOC takes out half of his earnings. He gets good paying jobs, but because of the FOC, it's like he is working full-time at a minimum wage job. He can't take care of his expenses on his own. He doesn't have the means to do so.


I thought so....I know it’s not an easy thing to think about but this man needed/NEEDS your money.

I have no doubt that you are a loveable, wonderful woman but the way he has handled you and this marriage has not been with love at all. On top of it, he twists everything around to make it your fault, is this the way you want to live?

He has waaaay more to gain from being married to you than you do to him. You can’t really even have children with him! Well, you could but it would be a bad idea as he can’t afford the ones he already has and doesn’t have a relationship with some of them. Sad for those kids, sad for you.

What you get: (not in order of importance):

1. A man who has 5 children with 5 different women.
2. A man who is behind in CS for these children and probably a step away from jail time for it (unless you bail him out by footing the bill.)
3. A man you will in all likelihood have to financially support in the future.
4. A man who has a temper and has already scared/ threatened you. If this is physical you MUST leave him!!
5. A man who refused to have relations with you more than 2 or 3 times a month and then dissed you for questioning this. Huh????
6. A man who had/has pictures of naked female friends on his cell phone and now refuses to unlock said phone. Not okay and you don't need to accept this!!!!


Only you can decide what to do but my recommendation is to consult an attorney re an annulment. Your husband misrepresented himself by not disclosing the children and child support. That’s called FRAUD.

You need to know what your options are before any more ugly surprises pop up don’t you think?

Please protect both your physical and financial health, kstanshum…your predicament is pretty serious. I’m really sorry and hope I didn’t come off as too harsh but I hate to see you get hurt any more than you already have. If he exhibits a majority of Dr. Carver’s traits of an abuser as you said, it is almost certain that you will get hurt one way or another and we don’t want to see that. KB.

Brace yourself...you are not going to like what I have to say.

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3 [take a deep breath]

You married a con artist.

You are not a "wife"...you are a "mark".

I realize this is a very cruel thing to just come out and say...but I am wary of being anything less than brutally concise lest the message be lost.

The entire pattern fits the profile.

I would not be suprised if he was also married to other women.

I advise you abandon this very poor choice and seek IC.