I am also new here and I can't fiqure out how to post on this site in the infidelity area. However, I also need help with my situation is there anyone that can help me. I am the one who has done the ultimate in a marriage. I had an affair, concieved a child, and as oppose to keeping it a secret I told my wife. She was devestated as most of the post suggest she would be. However, no one really talks about the spouse who lost their way. Not only am I having to deal with my wifes disappointment, but I must deal with my own. In all of her anger she begin to try and make me feel her pain as well. She did this by dating another man. I understood because in all actuallity I didn't even deserve to be in her presence. I told her I realized the devastation I caused, and I didn't want to give up my marriage. Well, whenever I ask ever whether she wants to stay married or not, she always responds with "I don't have any answers for you, I can only take care of me and my child." (We have a 3yr. old son.) There were a lot of issues that we were just not dealing with and I made a horrible decision, but I never stopped wanting my wife, and I never fell out of love with her. She start dating this guy, and would wait until I would go downstairs to go to sleep and then she would talk to this guy all times of the night. She would leave and then call him to meet her places. During this time I basically became a slave for my marriage, I did all cooking, cleaning, parenting, and even taking care of her mother while neglecting my own. This went on for a year and 4 months. Now a year and a half later she still has not decided if she wants to stay in the marriage or not and she out of the blue begin to call this guy again. In this time, she asked me to bring in the same amount of money into our home that I pay for child support. This is in additon to my regular job pay. I attempted to do this and ended up in $30,000 worth of credit card because she never had enough money. I have apologized showed I am sorry, but it seems she has begin to take advantage of my fear of losing her and my son. I have lost 70lbs. I have past over many opportunities for promotion in life out of fear that if I left her alone at the house she would find her way to this other guy, and allow herself to be simply pulled away by his sweet words, and talk of how dumb I was to do what I did. So, I stay home. I sit and massage her feet all times of night only to find as soon as I left the room she called him. I am to afraid to leave and life for seems to be over when I think about another man raising my son, and loving my wife. I truly understand what it means when the bible says, "Love your wife as God loved the church. The problem for me is that because of the hurt that I have caused I may never get to show it. I have been trying to be patient and give her time to heal, but I don't konw after a year and half if she is healing to leave me, or healing to stay, and when I ask she gets upset and I crawl back into my hole praying I haven't said anything further to make her leave. Please help, "scared into paralysis"

put paragraphs

I cannot read this

Read up on plan A on this site...it sounds as though you're attempting something similar, but it looks more like you're allowing her to walk all over you rather than attempting to truly get her to end her affair.

Background information (how long you've been married, what happened with your affair to begin with, etc...) also helps.

And...paragraphs help too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Pep's trying to let you know it's really hard to read without them, and makes it more difficult for people to try to help you.

Sorry about my earlier post. I just got long winded in my desperate cry for help.

I am also new here and I can't fiqure out how to post on this site in the infidelity area.

However, I also need help with my situation is there anyone that can help me. I am the one who has done the ultimate in a marriage. I had an affair, concieved a child, and as oppose to keeping it a secret I told my wife. She was devestated as most of the post suggest she would be.

However, no one really talks about the spouse who lost their way. Not only am I having to deal with my wifes disappointment, but I must deal with my own.

In all of her anger she begin to try and make me feel her pain as well. She did this by dating another man. I understood because in all actuallity I didn't even deserve to be in her presence.

I told her I realized the devastation I caused, and I didn't want to give up my marriage. Well, whenever I ask ever whether she wants to stay married or not, she always responds with "I don't have any answers for you, I can only take care of me and my child." (We have a 3yr. old son.)

There were a lot of issues that we were just not dealing with and I made a horrible decision, but I never stopped wanting my wife, and I never fell out of love with her.

She start dating this guy, and would wait until I would go downstairs to go to sleep and then she would talk to this guy all times of the night.

She would leave and then call him to meet her places. During this time I basically became a slave for my marriage, I did all cooking, cleaning, parenting, and even taking care of her mother while neglecting my own. This went on for a year and 4 months.

Now a year and a half later she still has not decided if she wants to stay in the marriage or not and she out of the blue begin to call this guy again.

In this time, she asked me to bring in the same amount of money into our home that I pay for child support. This is in additon to my regular job pay. I attempted to do this and ended up in $30,000 worth of credit card because she never had enough money.

I have apologized showed I am sorry, but it seems she has begin to take advantage of my fear of losing her and my son. I have lost 70lbs.

I have past over many opportunities for promotion in life out of fear that if I left her alone at the house she would find her way to this other guy, and allow herself to be simply pulled away by his sweet words, and talk of how dumb I was to do what I did.

So, I stay home. I sit and massage her feet all times of night only to find as soon as I left the room she called him.

I am to afraid to leave and life for seems to be over when I think about another man raising my son, and loving my wife. I truly understand what it means when the bible says, "Love your wife as God loved the church.

The problem for me is that because of the hurt that I have caused I may never get to show it.

I have been trying to be patient and give her time to heal.

I don't konw after a year and half if she is healing to leave me, or healing to stay, and when I ask she gets upset and I crawl back into my hole praying I haven't said anything further to make her leave. Please help, "scared into paralysis"

order & read Harley's books


read all the info on this site, not just the message boards


then ask questions specific to areas of Harley's plans/ideas that you do not understand

Pep

First, thank you for responding. I will try to follow the guidelines.

Here are the background answers for my situation

I've been married for 9yrs. I have one 3yr old son plus the the one concieved in the affair.

In the affair, I met a female at work who begin to encourage me and say all the right words. At a time when I begin to feel like a failure. She said the things that made me feel I could accomplish anything.

Initially it was just someone to talk to.

Although I now know the truth is, "I really needed to stand up and be a man. That didn't involve anyone outside my wife."

Lucky for me she left and went to another job. I saw a mutal friend a year later and asked how she was doing. He told me that she was trying to go to graduate school.

He gave me her email address, in which I used intitially to email her the information about school. She then inquired about how things were going at home for me. Like an idiot I begin to pull another woman into my marriage.

After several email conversations we exchanged cell phone numbers. From there I stopped by her apartment on the way to my second job. The first time of intercourse.

I stop contacting her for about a month after that. Then I received an email from her. I called and about 2 weeks later we met at her apartment again. On this particular occasion the condom burst. This freaked me out. So, I took this as my sign and didn't contact her anymore.

Until that day!! She sent me an email saying she needed to talk. She sent me an email because I didn't call telling she was pregnant and I was the father.

I hadn't spoken to her in six months so I couldn't imagine being the father. Not to mention that the condom only burst. Stupid me.

She had the child and then gave him the same name as my first son.

I had the DNA test done, and told my wife.

I don't talk about the things that led me to the affair because I don't want to downplay the fact that I should have been a responsible mature adult.

Now my wife is on the same road, same patterns. However, she only threatens to leave, want say if she wants to stay married or not, treats me like a slave, feels I shouldn't expect and don't deserve respect.

She tells me that I am pushing her and not giving her time to heal, but she continues to pull this other man into the picture. How can she decide on our marriage if she is entertaining another relationship. She has even talk to this dude in my face. On occasion, even talks about how he is more mature than I am, and the new found sex drive and feelings that she has for this guy.

I know I deserve to be punished, but its been a year and a half and I don't know if she wants to be married or not.

JR,

You can make a signature line in your My Home area which states your FWH status, age; your WW's status and age; number of years married...length of your affair and her affair...that you've been in NC for how long...and how long her NC lasted...age of your son and OC...and how long you have been (or were) in MC and IC...so that when you post, others can see easily where you have been and where you're at.

Just a helpful tip.

I agree with other posters on your threads that counseling is essential...and WHO you go to is critical to recovering your marriage. I did an internet search for pro-marriage christian counselors and then asked if they were familiar and agreed with Dr. Harley's books and concepts.

I believe the care of choosing our MC was crucial to saving our marriage. I know your WW isn't thrilled at the idea...great way to pitch it is that those counselors sucked...lol...but THIS one (whom you've interviewed) is AWESOME!

I don't see where a NC letter was written on her part, or where she recommitted to the marriage. Again, important choices.

Did you own your choice to have an A to your BW? I don't see in your post a conscious decision...with ownership. What you say here: "In the affair, I met a female at work who begin to encourage me and say all the right words. At a time when I begin to feel like a failure. She said the things that made me feel I could accomplish anything."

Sounds to me is exactly what your WW decided to get...some of that great fantasy. Your A wiped out everything in her...you know that...so hearing encouragement, sympathy, etc...just slipping right on into it...with no consequences...well, it's the same thing.

Do you understand the anatomy of an A? Takes entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. When you break it down into this formula, you have three areas to work on in yourself...and to see into the wayward state of mind...for all humans, really.

Affairs are fantasies...they aren't real. The emotions are false because they come from false beliefs. Isn't really anyone else meeting your ENs in reality...all fantasy. You get a clean slate from A's...instantaneous, without the work of intimacy, of knowing and really loving. Just fake stuff. When you consider your A and your WW's current one in this light, what do YOU feel now?

Now...when was the last contact with your OW? And I mean any knowledge you have of her in any way?

When you were finally honest with your wife, how long had the affair (from EA beginning to end) taken?

A year and a half ago your WW started hers...is that correct? Did you expose back then to everyone...including all of OM's family? Did the A stop and restart? What do you see Plan A as being really about?

Why did you begin to do everything...cooking, cleaning, child-care, etc.? From nothing to everything isn't healthy...at all. That's not Plan A...think of Plan A as Plan Authentic...and learning from your own choice to have an A...do not do that which you will create resentment in yourself for...it's like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Get healthy...get in the middle...don't swing between all or nothing. Learn about respect and inject it into your every thought, action and intent.

Plan A takes a warrior...a respectful warrior. One who feels fear, examines and understands it, and does NOT act from it.

You do what you would do if you were NOT afraid.

Your WW cannot treat you like a slave without YOUR permission...your choice to act like one. There's a huge different between a respectful, loving husband...and a slave. Get to know the difference.

This is how you walk the road to redemption...it's really long, full of sweat, focus and respect...and worth every inch. Remains your choice to walk it...for your own redemption. Might even save your marriage on the way.

I strongly advise Alanon meetings for you. Your focus is totally on her, her stuff, her words, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives...and you're taking those into yourself...which is inhaling fog. You'll choke. Stop it.

Alanon is a great place for control freaks...teaches us our human limits and power. It's where I learned my part...how to have ownership and eliminate blame from my life...and those people love you before you walk in the door.

You can get a sponsor to help you...and coupled with IC/MC...and MB (of course)...you can change a whole lot about yourself from your beliefs...and get to where your own self-respect and esteem are solidly your own...great levels...through your choices and actions. You can do this. I believe in you.

Your WW is set on having an open marriage. Up to you to determine if you are willing to have one. I don't advise it. From my sigline, you can see, I've been in your shoes...with a very different outcome.

There are books you need to read...have you read all of Harley's books? Including Love Busters? Especially Surviving An Affair? Then you'd know that when she shares her brutally hurtful stuff about feelings...sex drive, maturity..it's all fog...fantasy. Listen and hand back to her what she says...Listen and Repeat...to confirm or clarify. They are her stuff...not real and certainly not yours. Her truth isn't The Truth. KNOW that difference. (Neither is yours, btw.)

Then get "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

Read MySchae's thread about boundaries...get to know and define yours...they have to match your standards...what you will not allow yourself to do to others and to yourself...and when you don't meet your own standards, you amend...and boundaries are the same...when others cross them, you have enforcements you take.

Both amends and enforcements are in balance...steps which you predetermine and are progressive for each infraction.

Balanced living. Welcome to a life without punishment (comes from earning love...which is fantasy...so earning punishment is fantasy as well).

Live real and live well. Have faith in your present, you will live real well.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA,
I have had to accept my full responsibility for everything that took place in the A from initial contact to child support, and everything in between. I will never hold anyone else responsible for my choices in this matter.

As for the OW, I haven't seen, talk to, or communicated with her in any way for over a year. The last time I communicated with the OW was on my W's request. Honestly, I thought I was building her trust to show that I had cut all ties, but that was used as an excuse to bash me again.

When I was finally honest the affair had been over for about a 10mos. to a year.

Yes my WW started her A a year and a half ago. No I did not expose it, becuase she made me feel as if though I was betraying her and being a hypocrit. So, honestly I didn't feel I had the right to do anything but hurt and deal with it just as I was asking her to forgive me. May sound crazy but I was lost.

I begin to do everything because that was just one of the areas in which she felt, I caused her to shut down sexually, emotionally, and mentally around the house before the A. I once called her lazy becuase she would get off work, and go home to take a nap, then not pick our son up from the babysitter until 2-3hours later, but when I got home she was on the phone no clothes folded, no food cooked, and then she would shove him into my arms to give him a bath as soon as I walked in from my part-time.

I should never have used those words. I should have taken the time to try and understand why she was so tired, and what else was going on. In other words, I should have walked in her shoes before criticizing her in that way.

At any rate, I wanted to show her although hindsight, I was willing to walk in her shoes and share the responsibility of our C.

You are right, my WW can't treat me like a slave unless I let her, but that is part of my problem. I don't know what my right is to dignity as it relates to her life as I am the one that destroyed it. So I would feel like a hypocrit if I don't try to walk in her shoes.

I know that is a crazy way of thinking but I can't seem to create a new one. I guess because I haven't been presented with an effective way of thinking.

I have a question with the abortion. I truly feel that the OM took her, but she denies it and said one of her friends took her. I asked the friend and she still denies to this day that she took her. That haunts me, because she didn't stay at home that night and wouldn't pick up her cell phone either. Do I confront it again, or do I work out my own personal way to forgive her and let it go?

I have to be honest in one reason that it bothers me is that she ask me to have v-sec, because if she were to stay with me, she didn't value me enough to have kids with me. I was intially desperate and had it done right after the abortion.

Again you are right, she has never made a committment to the M and always wants to stop the conversation when its time to do that. It's like she is enjoying the idea, and she has said once, "I didn't tell you I was going to stay so you can't expect anything from me. We are only legally married, but nothing else." Its likes she want make the committment so she can have an easy out to say I never said I was staying, although I had you accompanying me to concerts, family trips, family events, and other family oriented things suggesting we are going to stay together.

At the end of the day, my C and I still sleep downstairs together, and she avoids me until she needs something.

So, what says the congregation?