I've posted here before and am sorry if I am rehashing too much.
A brief history of my sitch:
We’ve been married almost 13 years. I have admitted to an EA back in 1999 and she admitted to a ONS about the same time frame. I have been habitually LBing over the first 12 years. My LBing habits have included hiding pornography (magazines and internet use), messing up finances and even having secret accounts, and not always helping out around the house.
My last two screw ups were during the summer of 2005. I messed up again financially by hiding a secret bank account. The other thing, which I feel really despicable for, was looking at non-nude but scantily clad pictures of her sister who was a stripper. My wife almost called it quits in September of 2005 because of those last two screw ups. But she decided to stay and try to work on things.
In 2006 we “worked” on things by just trying to live normal lives. Not knowing at the time what I was doing, I had in fact cut out my really bad LBing. Other than that, we did not “work” on the marriage and it was evident that we were going through the motions without any clear goals in mind. Around October or November, me being the impatient SOB that I am, proceed to tell my wife that I need some kind of commitment that we are going to work on things. She gets upset, but doesn’t really say much.
One week before Thanksgiving 2006, she tells me that she needs a break from me. My asking for a commitment has scared her and she begins to wonder about things. She wonders why, after almost a year, her feelings for me haven’t changed. Her feelings right now are basically that she does not love me or really want to be with me. She is afraid that she will never be happy with me again or if she even wants to try.
I finally wake up to what all the terrible things I have done in the past have actually done to my wife. It might be too late, but I need to try something. I proceed to look online for help and find an excellent site called Marriage Builders. I begin to start practicing the MB concepts. I am working on myself, knowing that that is all I can control. I am trying to become a better person, father, and husband, with full knowledge that it may be too late and not enough to save my marriage. In the meantime, my wife is not interested in working on the marriage and says she does need to work on herself first. She eventually says that she will start IC.
Now to the present sitch at hand:
I went to my first IC session yesterday. It was good, and the Chaplain said many things that I’ve read or heard right here on this website. My mistake yesterday was also trying to talk to my wife about my session and some of the other MB stuff. She proceeds to laugh and roll her eyes at the things I say. She says “if you only you what I really wanted to tell you and do to you right now.” I say to go ahead and tell me, I deserve what ever she has to say. Well, in a profanity laced tirade she proceeds to tell me how she pretty much hates my guts right now, that she is only with me because she doesn’t have the strength to leave and is afraid to be alone, how she is unhappy, how she is mad at me because it took me so long to realize things and try to change when it is probably too late, how she is resentful because with all the help I am trying to get I will probably be a good husband to my next wife, etc., etc. She is probably getting more upset because I am listening and responding calmly and not engaging in her fight. She says she is going to leave that night to her mothers.
Then she says something that finally gets to me, but I still don’t really argue with her. She asks me, “what is it going to take for her to make me leave her. Will I stop working on the marriage if she begins to have numerous affairs and such.” I told her that what she was saying was hurtful, then she says “oh, it only hurts when I talk about that stuff, but it doesn’t hurt that I want to leave.” I then walk out of the room as there is no point to this rant. I tried to let her vent, but I think it backfired. She tells me this morning that she is going to talk to her mother about moving in with her. I tell her very calmly, that I don’t want her to leave. She says, “she can’t take the arguing anymore or the way we are living. She is almost always depressed.” I tell her that that it’s not just the kids that want and need her at home, but that I want and need her at home. She says she doesn’t want to talk anymore, so I go to work and here I am posting.
I need help!
