Hello everybody,

My DW and I continue to make progress on our M. We still have many months (years?) of work to do before I would say we are recovered, but I think things are on the right track.

I'm wondering if there's a typical pattern of recovery for the WS, particularly for WW's. I assume that during the course of an A, the WW will usually have built up many disparaging beliefs about the BH which help the WW rationalize her actions. I am not implying that the BH, particularly me, was not responsible for his share of what made for an unfulfilling marriage. But I do think that all the weaknesses of the M and of the BH would be amplified all the more in the mind of the WW to help the WW deal with what she is doing to her M, her family, and her BH.

My question is what should the BS expect as some of those rationalizations about the BH come crumbling down? As you enter recovery and rebuild intimacy, how does the typical WW deal with the conflict of starting to feel close to someone they hurt so deeply? I could see how it would be tempting for the WS to shield themselves from the guilt by clinging to the rationalizations that the BS is a horrible person. How does the WS typically progress through that stage, and is there a way that I as a BS can reassure my WS that I have forgiveness for her, that she is safe to see me as her loving partner?

Of course, there are PLENTY of legitimate resentments that the WS needs to forgive of the BS as well, but I feel there must be a period after withdrawal when a lot of the WS's mental justifications come crashing down, no?

Thanks for listening,

NS

That is a really great question NS. Our timeline and situation are pretty close and I have many of the same thoughts and questions.

Those are all great questions that I have wondered myself. And I hope that someone out there has an answer for us.

WH has said he has withdrawn from me because he is afraid I cannot recover. It is a difficult situation all around. All I can think to do is to meet WH needs and to try avoid all those terrible thoughts. Remember to take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, drink in moderation and get enough rest. Have you read Surving an Affair?

I am sorry you are going through this, it really hurts. But, would hurt worse if WS was gone.

This too shall pass.

I think initially the BH has to hear a lot of

I think I want to love you again...but I just don't feel it.

My thought now is (and it's been written about by many others on this site much wiser than I) that feelings follow action. Just go out and do things together as you did when you first connected. Don't bury the problem but don't force difficult conversations. Ask questions and avoid trying to teach her. When she make progress herself admire it...but her "getting it" is ultimately her job.

Another thing...the wayward will still hold out a lot of the blame on you. She'll be happy you've changed but still think that if only YOU had changed earlier then she wouldn't have done it. Almost as though their affair was a blessing to the marriage...as YOU finally got it, you were warned not to ignore them, etc.

Recovery for us came in bits and pieces or a series of start/stops. A few months go by and a light bulb seemed to go off in her head and off we went. Then, things would seem pretty good for awhile and then another couple weeks of progress.

Patience.

You'll know when it's getting right. Just spend your time together, keep meeting her needs and she'll eventually realize a lot. Just don't conflict avoid. Share your feelings...when appropriate.

Mr. Wondering

I would answer but I don't know what I am talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

LOL!