Before everybody freaks out.... I am the BS, married for 20 years w/ four kids. WH had a 3 year long affair that I am unsure has really ended. I found out in october and the last contact I know between the two was in december.

So why do I want to have an affair? I have been trying to figure this out. I dont think it is vengence, it is envy. I have found pictures, including x rated video on his cell, and other pictures where they seem to be having a great time. I have been desperately lonely in my marriage and this was a factor long before he chose to step out. The pictures and emails and all the other evidence shows a love for her that I would kill for. He was perfectly safe before I found out about his A but now I dont feel that I am safe from stepping out myself. I am finding myself looking at other men in a way that is not healthy if I want to continue to work on my marriage.

I so want to have that love and connection that he showed her, we are in counciling but I find myself wondering. Is it possible to find that connection when all I can concentrate on is what he got at my expense and what I have missed. Lonelyness and despiration have become my way of life and I am so tired of feeling this way. I dont know how to rebuild when there is only ashes left.

I know why a rebound affair would be wrong. But still I resent that I was so lonely but I didnt step out, he was not lonely those 3 years, he was having a heck of a good time, going to fancy dinners, museums, traveling to great places all under the umbrella of work while I stayed at home, took care of the household, and tried to feel like I was still worth something even if I didnt have any body there to tell me that I was something. And he was still having sex with me and her.

I long to have somebody tell me that they think that I am the most beautiful sexy thing on the planet. If WH says it I dont believe him because I dont believe a darn thing that he says anymore. Intellectually I realize that she has got nothing on me, I am a sexy hot goddess in comparision but I still have it in my head that he preferred her and I am just the booby prize that he is holding onto to stay where he is supposed to be, with us.

So I am asking for help from you folks that have been here and got past it. How did you do it? How did you resist when he didnt?

Hurt:

Try reading up on His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) and you will find out why your sexy hot goddess self was cheated on.

I am not beating you up. Your H had the A. But, since you are considering a "revenge" A, you need to work on preventing that.

And hang around, lots of help for you here.

Try reading Surviving an Affair (SAA) Both books are available from this website.

And then it will be you doing all the things you descibed that your H was doing with OW...

I understand *completely* what you are saying.

So do most BSs, you are not alone or a freak for feeling this way.

This is the clincher. Having an affair is wrong ...and it ain't ALL pretty.

What you are envying is the fun part...the lure if you will.

You are also missing the fact that it is not necessary to have an AFFAIR to aquire those things you desire.

A divorce makes every single man in the world eligable.

You do not owe him another chance...you do not HAVE to recover this marriage, and maybe you shouldn't...that choice is yours.

My impression is that you may feel like the kid who didn't get invited to the party and is envious of what they *imagine* it was like.

My response? If you want a party go have one...have all the bells and whistles and balloons you want...but would you really honestly WANT to experience addiction, mental illness, etc?

There are other parties, better ones.

I have read both of the above books. I have thought about why he did what he did and I dont even blame him really. He travels extensively and he really doesnt do well when he is alone. I have known this for a long time. It was no surprise that he was lonly. I did the best I could but really if he is gone more days than he is home and he didnt really want the help or reach out more to me than less I didnt know what to do. And I still dont, he continues to travel.

The thing that hurts the most is his lack of respect for me. I would have been crushed if he told me back then that he was leaving but then I wouldnt have all this evidence and hurt and an overwhelming feeling that I was sacrificed for what he wanted without a thought of the price that would have to be paid by me. For three long years. I cant think of a single aspect of my life that hasnt been damaged by his A and I just dont feel much hope that I will ever feel like I should. Even not miserable would be OK right now.

I feel like I am once again taking one for the team. He spends and I pay. I resent that now that he wants to work on it, we work on it, when he didnt want to, he didnt.

Except it will be as part of a healthy relationship, not a twisted, sick one.

Ask him why he thinks you SHOULD be willing to work on it.

Ask him what's in it for you.

Ask him what he thinks he has to offer that could compensate for what he has taken.

A few suggestions for getting yourself on the radar of consideration.

Thanks noodle, that makes alot of sense really. I know that it cant have been all a bed of roses, I think that the affair was dying a natural death that exposure only hastened.

I don’t really have a good answer for you as to why you should not have a revenge affair. I know why I didn’t. But I don’t know why you shouldn’t.

Unless, and I am just rambling here –

You would in the end feel even worse than you do now.

Your affair would end like they all do, in the gutter. That wonderful love you seek cannot be found in adultery. It isn’t caring love. I know that sounds like just empty words but it’s true.

Your children would have two adulterers for parents, instead of just one.

If you divorce, you would want to keep your affair secret from your next relationship, limiting intimacy forever.

If you decide not to divorce it makes recovery ten times more difficult. (It’s sort of a rule of thumb that the WS can handle an affair by their BS even less than the BS handles the original affair. It the entitlement thing again, I think.)

Two wrongs sometimes do make a right, but never in adultery.

Your emotions right now are all so common. All BS I know go through the same stages of anger and envy, and several times. Give yourself some time to sort things out. If you eventually decide you cannot stay married to your WH, divorce and wait a good while before dating again. You will appreciate your next relationship much more.

BTW, if contact has not ended your counseling is a waste of money.

Actually, I do have one concrete recommendation for you. You post is clear and well written. Tidy it up a bit and give it to your WH to read. Tell him you need to discuss it.

My FWW had a ten-year A. When I complained to her of these same feelings she said go ahead, do what I did. I know you and it won’t make you happy at all. When I said it would be an LTA as long as hers she changed her mind and asked me not to do it (I knew I wouldn’t anyway.)

ed: I have these same recurring desires for a carefree fling, a doting cream-puff on the side, like she did for so many years, even now three years after DDay2. I am not going to do it of course, but it is enticing. And I continuously encounter blatant opportunities all the time that I would never have given a second thought before - it is frustrating, indeed.

With prayers,

the question:



my response:

I tried to go on a date when I was just about where you are now (emotionally raped)
God intervened
a crazy storm closed the road
I had to turn around and go home
I realized I had dodged the bullet
the guy was an [censored] anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

*phew*

so

what you really want is affirmation that you are hot & desirable

an affair partner ~will say that you are~ ... but you & I both know, affairees are liars ... so what good is an affirmation from a known liar?

you also want to have your piece of the fun pie

well, ask any reformed adulteror if the "fun" was worth trashing their own dignity, their own self-respect, and taking all that they hold dear and running it over with a bulldozer

so, in a more practical way ... here is what I actually did to resist such stupid self-abuse like a revenge adultery in the mud

I wrote in my journal
I prayed
I treated myself in very loving ways that did not demean my character

I acted in ways I would not mind being written up in the newspaper

does this help?

Pep

it does help pep, I must admit that right now I am really into abusing myself. I cant seem to stop. I pull up all the emails I hijacked, look at that horrible video, look at her pictures everything, when ever I dont seem to be feeling anything I run to those so that I can relive how much it hurts. I recognize that a rebound affair would be just that, abusing myself, I just want a little bit of something for me. I feel so unloved, unwanted, unhappy, distrustful, emotionally raped is a pretty good description.

are you seeing a doctor for your depression?

Pep

No, I have traveled down that road before and it just ends up w/ me being medicated so that I just dont care as much. I dont want to give up that control. I have been suicidal in the past and I think that the antidepressents were a major contributing factor. It got to the point that I just didnt care, and if I didnt care what was the point of continuing at all? But dont worry I am not thinking of doing myself in. I realize after the suicide death of a person very close to me that it just leaves a huge bomb blast of pain in it's wake. It has been 10 years since then and I still think of him often, wishing to God that he had not felt that desperate to take his own life. We loved him, it breaks my heart still that it wasnt enough to save him.

are you talking to a counselor about your depression?

Pep

I'm not a pro like Pepperband, but I also want to say that you are very vulnerable to an affair right now. You are also not getting your ENs met at this point, and the next guy that comes along that meets them may just draw you into an A.

I considered an A or at least to see other woman after finding out about my wife's A. Doesn't help that I have a few very attractive female colleagues and that I met a very nice, sweet woman at a new year's party. But the pros here talked sense into me. If I wanted to see other women, get a D first, recover, then try. If not, I would be no better than my adulterous wife.

We are in MC, she would like me to go to IC either with her or w/ somebody else. I am not sure I want to. Part of the issues in our marriage was not communicating with each other. I feel like if I say something than I can never say it again because once is just letting it out, again is just being mean to him. I still want to work on this as a team and it seems to be not a team effort if I go by myself.

When I have been unhappy in the past wh response was deal with it, you are on your own. He said in counciling last week that he felt that if he tried to be supportive in the past then I would go into an even deeper depression. I told him that it was totally wrong. It felt like I was being thrown to the wolves with no support from the person who was supposed to love and protect me.

He has always treated any complaint from me as something he had to fix, I never expected him to fix anything, I just wanted somebody to hear me when I was frightened or lonely. Instead I have had to bear everything by myself and depend on me alone. It has been very lonely. Everyone in my life sees me as this totally strong put together person, I am so not in my own head. I find it hard to ask for help but when I ask for it my outward persona makes people think that I am more than capible of taking care of whatever it is by myself.

Nobody is really looking out for me, and I do a crappy job of doing it myself.

if I asked 10 people
who know you well
if you are stubborn
(stubborn to the point of where being stubborn hurts you)

how many of the 10 would say , yes, she is stubborn even to the point of where being stubborn hurts her

Pep

Maybe about 3, I dont see myself as stubborn. I think that staying shows a remarkable lack of stubborness. Wh always knew my position on A's that it was a crappy thing to do to the bs. This was long before his A. That didnt matter either I guess... In a rather emotional moment after I found out and he told me he would honor NC I begged him to shoot me before doing this to me again, that it would be much more humane than making me suffer like this. That didnt matter either, he kept up the EA and maybe even a PA after that revelation. I just dont know if I can hold out and try to make this work out or whether I should just give up.

Please don't give up. I don't know if you and your husband will recover the marriage or not. But I do know that you will feel much better if you do everything that you can to try to save the marriage. That way you will have no regrets.

Sadly, after 3 and a half years of trying to recover my marriage, I'm divorced. But can look back and know that I did all that I could.

I've found that if I ask someone if they are stubborn, they pretty much are honest in their response, so thank you!

actually
I was not suggesting you might be stubborn for staying in your marriage ... but I was trying to understand why you are not getting adequate help for depression.

I find that it is difficult to really get anywhere with someone via a forum if they are depressed ... and that is mostly what I am concerned with in regards to you.

but, if you cannot or will not seek help for the depression, I guess you can do the best you can *as is*
ya know?

so
here is the question

what do you want today?

Pep

I didn't read this post...just the title...

I would change the title to say...

I hurt so bad inside I want someone to come and ease my pain......
I feel so bad inside I want someone to take away the pain...
even if it hurts that other person deeply I want to feel good again...

Infact if you change the verbage ...
it may lead to some slight insight in to how a WS feels...

how lost they are from the light...
how they rationalize and cling to falseness...

all for an easy quick fill to feel good...

built on lies
and shifting sands
and cards...

that's what an affair is....

affairs are the absolute using of other human souls....
glorified in to a pathway of despair and he22 itself..

aRK