Umm... the point of "his EN is admiration" is not to psych yourself up to admire him as the most wonderful person on the planet. that's kinda what you sound like you're doing in your post.

the point of identifying admiration, as an EN, is to clue you in that you need to express admiration, TO HIM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

but like I said... (you probably already know that, but) you just dont care any more right now.

So... quit reading mb for a while, and go do stuff that makes you happy instead <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Honestly, that's the best possible thing you can do.

even if you're at work, and cant go "do" something... go read something else, that makes you happy.

comics... news... quirky facts... whatever cheers you up, that has nothing to do with your husband, and is just all about what makes you personally, happy.

Got into an email war:

He emailed:

Sorry I haven't called. I can't find my charger. Should be headding home
>in
> >about an hour.
> >Love you

I responded

>I havent heard from you for a day and a half, losing your charger to the
>phone isnt really cutting it for me

he responded

I understand. I am not sure where we go from here but I don't think I want
>to continue the way things are. You have every right to feel the way you do
>but this is no way to have a relationship. I don't know but maybe all of
>this is just to much to overcome. I am very sory.

Me:

So did you go see her?

him

No. I have been very busy and am feeling the pressure of work and everything.

me (watch out, major lb here)

And what is the way things are? I get to drop off the planet when you leave. You tell me lame excuses that I have heard for way too long. I dont get to question you, I dont get to challenge you, I should just shut up, believe everything you tell me and be grateful that you deign to contact me. You are right this is no way to have a relationship. Make up your mind, I cant hold on anymore.

Bad huh?
Probably should be flogged.
Am thinking about running away from home.

I very much doubt the affair has ended. Charger down? Too busy? Give me a break. I got to the point when my WH started spouting so many totally unbelievable lies, I just laughed and told him to STOP. Of course, I'm divorced.

in my opinion, it's good that you confronted him about the way he is treating you.
It's unfortunate that it took the form of an "angry outburst". but, I've seen worse <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

dont run away from home.
make it comfortable for YOU.
If he doesnt want to participate in you making home a nice place to live... that is his loss.


side note: he's being vague about "the way things are".
if you still care, then maybe you should try to gently get him to talk about what that means to him, and listen to what he has to say.

Have you talked to an attorney to secure your finances?

Have you talked to a doc about anti-D's?

No and no

There isnt much to secure, if he leaves it all goes down the toliet and good riddance. I cant afford the house, the car (that I know she has been in) et al and I dont care. The banks can all fight over him. I am a full time student w/ no assets. Divorce means the house goes, and the banks get him.

Not interested in the AD.

What about child support?

hurtandmad,

I'm very sorry to hear your situation, I know it hurts a great deal. I can READ your pain in all of this, and you have some solid advice coming your way.

First off, this thread seems to be descending rapidly with your thoughts of giving up. Do you want to remain married? We all do things fueled by emotions, and what we feel today often changes the next on this twisted roller-coaster.

I would strongly recommend a number of things for you:
1. I hated the ADs. Did them anyway. They will take the edge off.
2. Get in IC. Yesterday.
3. Time to pull yourself together. I see despair, and I know it's hard - I'm not knocking you from feeling it. I can tell you I was absolutely broken last month, there are times I still break. But, if I want to save my marriage and regain happiness in it there is a cross to bear. This is something you need to think about, because for you to recover your marriage there IS going to be more pain and suffering before you reach the light. You have to get strong or you will NOT get there.

I would take those feelings you are having right now, hurt and anger, and use them to fuel other things. I'll gladly share the most important advice I received with you, see if you can use your emotions to help fuel your strength:

What would you do if you weren't afraid?
Don't say "run away" from home. What ELSE would you do? Your dignity has been stomped. Your self-respect is damaged. You already have more beauty, self-respect, and dignity than you probably realize...because you came here and posted. You laid yourself out here truthfully for all to see.

What would you tell your husband if you were NOT afraid? Mind you, think lovingly but STRONG.

You know you will survive no matter what. You have kids? We all know you stopped living for YOU the day they were born. That precludes any revenge A on your part. That precludes running away. That puts you in the position of making a decision about whether or not you want to regain your dignity, your strength, and give it all you got to bring your husband back into this marriage. He has ALOT of work to do. He has to WANT to do it before anything will ever change.

Let's start working on YOU first. Keep posting. Don't give up yet - you are just getting started. Listen to the folks here - I think your M is in a spot many of us WOULD DIE to be in. If you do things just right, and a narrow path is followed...You may just have the marriage of your dreams and your inner strength back.

God Bless, my prayers go out to you -

Jay

Thanks jay, I feel like I have been stronger than I have ever been in my life but I dont know if it will be enough.

I think that I have told him. I cant go on with having nothing. I cant have it be the same ol same ol. I cant do this anymore. If I felt like he really wanted to stay, if I felt like he really wanted me, if I felt that he really had any idea what he means to me but also if he had any idea how much this hurts, I would kill for him to stay. But I just dont feel like he wants to be with me. He has called her his best friend. Where is my best friend? The guy that we went through all sorts of ups and downs, had our beautiful children, went through ****** and back and again together as a team? I want him back, OMG where did he go? Who is this cruel and cold human being I live with now?

I thought that if you were kind and thoughtful and did everything that you could for somebody that something would happen in kind. I feel like I am living in the dark waiting for the end.

I did leave the house, I emailed him that I wanted him to get settled and see the kids and all without me being there. I asked him to give me a call so that we could talk. I told him that I didnt think a face to face would be a good idea right now and that maybe we could get things said by phn. I have every intention of going home tonight, I just need to not see him because everytime I do I cave. I cant cave right now. I need to know if I should still be trying or if I should help him pack.

Phone conversations will certainly help you maintain a stronger front, good thinking. Let us know how the talk went -

Jay

He called and said that he didnt want to talk, so I went home hoping that he would talk to me in person. He had himself parked on the couch with the kids as a shield so I went to bed.

Stopped off at his work at lunchtime, he really didnt want to leave the office for lunch and I didnt push it. I told him that I was lost, he said we needed to talk. He expressed again how this wasnt going the way he wanted and I didnt press again because he was at work. We will see if he talks to me tonight or at MC tomorrow.

considering giving this to him at counciling tomorrow. Need to have a mediator present.

I can only expect the worst. Not contacting me for a day and a half, your voicing that you “don’t want to go on this way” your phone history being cleared, having access to you cell records blocked, your distance and your recent need to keep looking at your blackberry again leaves me no choice but to believe that you have cheated again. Even if this latest episode was only you ignoring me instead of cheating on me, I can not pull this load by myself. Everytime that you do this I become less and less able to deal with your lies and your distance. I grieve for the loss of you, I will miss you terribly but I can not save you. That is something you will have to do yourself. I hope the best for you but I just cannot continue holding out hope where you continue to ignore even the most basic steps to get us back on track. Namely no contact and keeping in regular contact with me when you are on the road. If you wish to make an honest attempt at reconciliation with me, with continued counseling, no contact with her (that means absolutely NONE) and keeping in contact with me on a daily basis I will be happy to discuss your return. As it is I respectfully ask that you clear out and let the kids and I grieve for the loss of you.

Cornered him on what he was doing, "not in love with you, tried but not working" bla bla bla. Told him if he was going to stop trying I was too because it was pointless and killing me. Denied contact w/ om, total bs as far as I am concerned. He didnt go to counciling, MC totally floored, have another appt on wednesday for me although I dont know what the point is particularly. I am actually relieved, am no longer chasing the ghost of what once was my dh.

Going to try to plan b as much as poss, he still lives here and until we get financial issues settled that isnt going to change. He is gone until wednesday late and I am looking forward to the break.

Told me only tried because of the kids. So far has not aggreed to counciling for figuring out what to tell them. Told him that I would never forgive him for what this will do to the kids. Told him that until he figured out what the heck he was doing the next relationship was doomed. He agreed. "I just dont know what I want but this isnt it". Told him that I agreed, this is not what I want.

Weird thing. Was understandably upset and some kids came to the door, totally random, and prayed for me. I do believe that God sends things when you need them, but boy was it hard to be prayed for right now when I feel as abandoned as I do now. I do thank God for sending them to my door, it let me see a little more outward than what is going on in my head.

I decided that instead of compulsively checking my email hoping to hear from him, and compulsively checking to see if anybody has posted to this thread, that instead I will walk around the block.

The kids may think I am nuts but it is better than stewing and eating a box of donuts.

So how do you get the compulsive, I wish he would call or email telling me he is an idiot and that he has decided to pull his head out of his rear end to go out of your head ? And then what do you do if he does? I know to be strong and reinforce no contact, meeting EN and all that but how do you know that it is a real effort not just bs?

back to it.

Ok you guys win, went to the dr. blood pressure way too high, going on ad and antianxiety meds for a while.

Told my mom today, that went better than I thought, although she wants to kill him.

I am just sick. I am trying really hard not to call or email him. So far I have been sucessful but it is killing me.

WS came home a day late, he has been spending all his time with the kids, I'm not invited. I feel like he is spending the last moments with his kids before he leaves and I am not getting in the way of that as a gift to them.

I looked at his emails, there are a number of frantic-like emails from the ow concerned that he isnt contacting her as much as she likes.

I feel him distancing from her, I know he has been distant with me. I think he is trying to figure out what he really wants to do. I want him to stay with us, but I cant invest anymore into this. I dont want to be the ow anymore, it is all or nothing. But gosh do I miss him. I am trying to leave this in God's hands. His plan will be what happens, I am trying not to resist. It is very hard to be calm.

what do you guys think I should do? Leave it alone or try to have one more talk with him?

It isn't wise to reason with someone who is confused.

Give him the space. Go keep yourself busy. No R talk. If he has the kids, don't cater to the kids. He needs t/d all the work for the children.

Go pamper yourself, get with some friends and ask they keep you busy for the allotted time.

L.

I feel like a total IDIOT, but I think I did the right thing anyway.

I was having a panic attack so I went to the medicine cabinet for some Ativan, there are more than 80 in the bottle. I couldnt find it. I tore the house apart and got more and more worried. The last time I saw it was when wh left. I am in pretty much plan B right now. He continues to see her and I cant do much about that.

Then I really started to panic. His brother commited suicide and I got more and more frightened. I promised myself nc with him because it was killing me. But I had to call, I told him I didnt know what he could do now so I needed to know if he had them. He brushed me off and said no.

Of course as soon as I hung up I looked down, they fell into a pair of shoes of all places. Now I feel like a total moron for calling. He called back to make sure I found them because he was worried about the kids. Told him I found them and then cut it short.

I know I did the right thing. He has hurt me so badly but I dont want him dead. I was praying all morning asking for some sort of guidance and really trying to put myself in God's hands. then I wondered did I pray for something terrible? I am a mess right now.

So please no 2x4's I cant take it, I just need some kind words.

Oh, hurt, slow down, breath.

I want to tell you something. MANY of your posts sound EXACTLY like my sitch, early on. I want you to know that, despite the MANY ups and downs and slings an arrows, I'M doing well. The AD's DO help, and it is not some sign of weakness to get help--EXACTLY the OPPOSITE, it connotes STRENGTH.

You slipped and called your WH. So WHAT!!! Now you know, don't do it again. He will NOT respond as you would wish. He is PURE EVIL incarnate right now. ALIEN. Your H has been swallowed up. He's inside there somewhere, and may come back, but let's not focus on HIM anymore. I know, everybody says that, but it's true.

It will be some time for the AD's to kick in, and when they do, for many, sleep goes back to some semblance of normal and the thoughts that are rapidly careening inside your head will slow to a pace that you can DEAL with them, one at a time.

Has your WH moved out? If not, then you must Plan A for YOU. Hold your head up, do what YOU want to do. Set up time for you to LEAVE the house to do something with friends/family WITHOUT THE KIDS. Leave them in WH's care. NO, you will not, initially, be happy inside, but you will begin to feel more confident, that you can do this. Take care of you FIRST, before ANYONE else right now. Let your Taker in a bit.

Let us know how you're doing, let US help you. Change your Thread name to something more resembling where you are right now.

How do I change the thread line?