I don't want a divorce but hubby and I have been unsuccessful with counseling and I think it is actually making things worse. He has already admitted to visiting a lawyer (the slimiest, vindictive, one in town) but has said he'd rather have an amiable divorce if it came to that.

If we did divorce, how to they do child support etc? We have three kids at home and we both work full time professional positions..He makes twice as much as me.

ANy ideas what I should expect from him? What is reasonable? I would hope I would get a majority of custody b/c I am a teacher and he works long hours...it would make more sense for the kids.
If we have to resort to divorce I want it to be as easy and painless as possible for us and the kids. So I am willing to compromise through the process. However I also have a friend that said she agreed to full joint custody - thinking it was a good thing for him to dsee his dad so much......and now she is realizing that it is not good for her school age child and there is nothing she can do to change it b/c she agreed. I want to make sure I know what I agree to ahead of time.

ALso what happens to your joint stuff? >Like the house and the car? If they are in both our names do we have to refinace all the loans? Or can we keep them in both our names and one of us pay it off (with or without help )

I have no clue what to expect. ANy help would be appreciated.

my advice...

get the best lawyer money can buy. my ex has a sleezy, no make that SLEEZY lawyer too. so i went to the city closest to me (i am in a small town, city is an hour and a half away) and got one of the BEST lawyers money could get.

you must protect yourself. child support depends on what state you live in. it will also depend on the income ratios. i am in school full time and only work part time so my ex has to pay me a pretty good chunk for our 2 children. if he so chooses to take me to court once i am out of college and working full time he can and his support may or may not go down. i would do the following:

you need to see a lawyer to do up a legal sep agreement. in that agreement the assets will be divided. anything he keeps make him finance in HIS name only. and same for you. it is for your protection. i would fight for the marital residence so you and the kids can stay there.

custody: go through family court for this. i share "joint" but placement is with me with ME having majority placement. i fought very hard for this, kept records of all his infidelities etc and this helped. he tried to get full custody and lost big time.

i would go right through the dept of social services for support. they will figure out how much he has to pay and have him garnished,then you do not have to worry about it.

that is all a start. sorry you have to go through this. but if this is how it must be THEN BY ALL MEANS GET THE BEST ATTORNEY YOU CAN AFFORD AND PROTECT YOURSELF.

mlhb

Everything that is jointly owned will need to be divided. If you have a lot of jointly-owned property, you should definitely get a lawyer to help. It can still be amicable with a lawyer or even better, a mediator, involved.

I also suggest you visit these websites. Laws differ by state and they have state-specific info that provide great resources.

• Divorce Source
  Divorce Net
  Divorce Info

I'm sorry this seems your only option but you should arm yourself with knowledge, it will really help as you go through the process.

It varies from state to state...so I am in agreement get different lawyers.

A lot of times it the lawyers who bring about the hardball hits in court, as it brings them MORE MONEY...and the longer it drags out the more money the lawyers get.

Expect that his lawyer WILL petition to have YOU pay his legal fee's and court costs...(this is what sleezy lawyers do) however,you can fight it, and he can end up paying your legal fee's, or you just end up paying your own legal fee's.

in many states, the joint proprties are sold and the monies divided between the parties...

Other debts like credit card and such are typically split between the two as well.

As far as child support, that would depend, states are different, in some states the look at income to debt ratio, and others they don't...so for that it's difficult to say..
But know, that just because he makes more money...doesn't mean he will get custody of the kids...

I live in Georgia.

My divorce was is marriage is irretrevably broken with no other grounds. I filed, she counterfiled. We have/had a house, one car, and one three year old daughter.

The range is 17 percent to 23 percent of gross income for child support. I pay 20 and a half percent in two biweekely payments. The house is being sold and she will get 60 percent of the proceeds while I will get 40 percent. Everything else was split 50/50.

I paid a a quarter of her legal fees after two appeals by her attorney.

That's about it.

I didn't drink beat, cheat, or gamble and I couldn't prove she was a bad mommy so unless you have MAJOR drama expect 50/50 or 60/40 in your favor.

Good Luck, unless you're crazy then well, good luck to him.

Gekko- I just wanted you to know you made me laugh..I don't do that much these days.

I'm not clinically crazy but some days I sure feel like I am getting close.

We are both good parents. My only gripe with him as far as the kids go is he does play them against me....has a habit lately of not talking to me directly- but talking to me through the kids (and we still live together) My middle son also told me my husband was drinking a beer and driving on several occasions (with my son in the car) and when my son questioned him hubby told him it is legal to drink while driving!!! He wasn't drunk- he was coming home from the store and decided to start a few minutes early. The only problem is my son begged me not to tell hubby he told me. If I tell it will compromise THEIR relationship so I chose to set my son straight without bashing hubby-yet telling him hubby lied and was very wrong. I also told him very firmly that anytime he was worried about his safety to text me and I would come get him.
This is not the man I married...one of many examples of his changes and why this marriage is not working anymore.


But you did make me laugh- Thank you.

gekko is great at making people laugh! of having the kind of sick yet wonderful sense of humor...

just protect yourself legally, you will make it through this...

mlhb

In my case,my ex and I initially went through the mediation process but then things broke down,badly,and we both got respective lawyers,his being a really nasty, mean spirited woman, like in the movies.We eventually came back to our senses and realized that they were going to get all our money by a long,drawn out court process so we went back to trying to settle things on our own,which we did.My personal opinion is that it is the best option unless you have a really vindictive spouse who will not and cannot compromise, then you have to protect yourself.

Child custody was pretty easy.He lives in another state so I get the kids 90% of the time with him visiting EOW and 1-2 weeks in summer.I have read studies though that suggest that it isn't in the best interest of the kids to split the weeks between parents as it interrupts their routines and can cause resentment.It may be better to have the kids one week and then switch so the kids don't have to shuffle their belongings mid week during school,etc.

The house was put in my name/refinanced and the retirement funds went to him so you don't always have to sell the home.Again agreements are key.

Also,each state has it's guidelines about how much support the spouse will make and since your H makes twice as much as you you should be able to depend on a certain amount of payments.Past working history makes a big difference too.For example,my ex makes a ton of money but always cried poor.So even in the bare bones scenario,according to the state,he gives me plenty and he has to not only by the court but because it has been shown that he can make the income he has and has done so for many years.In other words,he can't cry poor and say the only job he could find was at walmart.

We didn't have any debt/cards so I don't know specifically about that but we also split the cars,I had one put in my name.Most other stuff he didn't want so I either sold it or replaced it as I do not want anything of his around and anything we bought jointly I am trying to replace.Most stuff though I did purchase over the years so it's technically mine anyway.I was always the home decorator,so to speak.

I think it is best to get everything split and/or refinanced in your own name.You don't want to be linked to your ex in any way if at all possible.You don't want creditors to come knocking on your door for anything your ex is responsible for.

And another important issue is that through trying to come to an agreement on your own,you can, as parents, decide what is best for your family,not some judge who doesn't know you.They would just be happy as clams if couples made these decisions on their own.But many divorces are very bitter and adversarial so it doesn't always turn out the best way.

shelby,

I recommend this approach - get together with your husband and ask him what he wants. He might be willing to help with an agreement together while you two separate. this could keep things from escalating into a war like I had and mlhb had.

Find a good attorney, talk to someone you know in your area and get a recommendation. If you don't know anyone go to your local courthouse and ask the secretaries or clerks who they would recommend. I was fortunate in that my sister clerks for the judges in our county court system and she found me the best in town without me having to research it. But the people who work around that stuff will tell you straight up who's good and who's overpriced, etc.

figure out what you cn afford as a retainer and tell the atty straight up what you can afford. many of them will take a small retainer and deal with your bill later on after the settlement.

figure out what's important to you now. Your list will probably look like this

kids
house
car
personal items
dignity
cd collection


cd collection was above dignity and personal items for me but that's me we're talking about.

Good Luck and I extend my email offer to talk as well as I did to mcm

thomaslburson@yahoo.com use it even if you're crazy. I have a fiver that says you can't be much crazier than mlhb

thnx gekko... i am sure no one is crazier than i am!

mlhb

The XW filed and had a lawyer. I would have preferred mediation. We agreed initially on 95% of everything, worked out the rest of the details with some give and take and threats by both sides. I did not retain a lawyer and neither of us went to court. We have pretty much the standard custody arrangement for DD13 and we have proved to be flexible in the custody arrangements. We both attended special parenting classes that are mandated by the court, but we took them far in advance of the court date in order to sped-up the divorce. The papers were filed around 11-03-2006 and the divorce was final on 12-19-29007.

The XW kept the house and assumed the debt on the house and her car. I estimate the house was worth $200,000.00 or more and that there was about $30,000.00 in debt on the house. We had no credit-card debt and reassigned the credit cards. We divided the savings equally. She paid all of the legal fees. We both have similar incomes and there was no maintenance. We initially agreed to no child support, but she reneged on our arrangement and I pay $250.00 a month which is far less than average. She kept her 401K and does not have a retirement plan. I kept my 401K and traditional retirement plan. I kept my vehicle which was paid-off. I kept all of my tools, guitars, and guns. I basically left the contents of the house intact and left the marriage with no debt. When I purchased my new house, I basically financed 100% of it so would have some cash for furnishings.

Life goes on...