Found a note from the OW in my H's car today - I can't believe it!!!!! One day he says it's over, and the next, I find this!!! I'm so upset and angry, I just don't know what to do. To top it all off, I seem to be having trouble getting onto this board - so, any advice - PLEASE - either here, or send to me at QTPIBriana@AOL.com - I need help, I don't know what to do with this anger! I feel like going out and bringing home the first man I find - but what would that accomplish? HELP!!!

Oh, my gosh Briana, I know how that anger feels. <P>How do you normally deal with anger? Gotta take some of it and deal with it, but put more of it on the shelf for later.<P>It is a definite valid reason to have that anger! <P>Oh, please don't do anything crazy! It won't get you anywhere, I promise.<P>Go outside and kick the tires until you cry.<P>We're here for you!<P>

I'm feeling a bit better this morning. I just need to sit and think about what to do about this situation. I'm thinking about paying her a visit. After reading the letter about 300 times, I have the feeling she has been lied to as well. She made a comment about what's holding him back, especially since he didn't have kids or family. WELL, he does!!! How could he dismiss his children like that? It hurts. "poof!" No kids! "poof!" no wife? I may be gullible here, but I wonder if she even knows I exist? Then again, how stupid could she be NOT to know? Do you guys think it's wise to confront her? It may backfire. I might end up punching her lights out. I'm going to search the web to see if her phone number or address is listed. Not sure what I'll do if I find her, but I feel like I've got to do something!<BR>Blinders comming off,<BR>Briana

Briana, do you really think going out and hurting her is going to make this better??? Obviously she's been lied to, she doesn't know about you so how could she stop herself from hurting you? I think the best advice I could give right now is BREATH. I know this sounds funny but after I found out about my husband I couldn't breath for about 4 days, I was running on shallow breaths and not doing much as far as good thinking. I finally learnt enough to go to the gym and work out, some of the frustrations left and I started breathing right and then I finally thought things out right. The first thing you need to do is actually find out the date of the letter, he said he was over her, was this from before? Think SLOWLY! Remember, we are here for you.....God Bless.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Brianna, believe me I have been where you are at right now. She knew he had kids, but thought she was the only one. It was hard to believe that she didn't know about me, since he was with me a large majority of the time, but still we had an on again off again relationship before we were married. She thought I was just the craxy ex mother of his child! She was so in love that she believed that he couldn't spend so much time with her because he was always with the kids! And when you are in love you want to believe what you have been told. I found the woman's email address and told her that he was obviously playing us both! She had no idea and she and I had a LONG CIVIL conversation about everything that he was telling both of us! Don't resort to violence towards her! Don't let anyone push you to a level where you could end up in jail!! Yes tell her you exist but NO VIOLENCE!!! Don't give them the power of you like that!!! Take you power back and get everything out in the open!

Briana:<BR>sorry things are going the way they are. by all means call the other woman and fight for what you believe in. dont confront her just call her and be very civil. tell her that he is your husband and father of your children and that you love him. stand your ground. NOW, go get the book, the relationship toolbox by robert able. pick the chapters that you need help from ,there are 70 and start reading. its the best 14.95 you wil spend.<BR>

Thanks toolbox, I'll try to find it tomorrow. I'm taking the rest of the week off. Can't seem to concentrate at work lately. I've been on a search and find mission all day, and I'm exhausted. BUT, I think I found her--if it's her, she doesn't even live in my state. When I called, I got her answering machine--made my stomach turn, and just hung up. I promise everyone that I won't go off the deep end and hurt anyone. I've never hurt anyone in my life. That's why I'm trying to understand why all of this is happining to me----if everything happens for a reason, WHY did this happen to me? What did I do wrong in my life to deserve this? Toolbox--you were the betrayer in your relationship, right? Was it a long relationship, or a one night thing? I know I could forgive my H if it was a one night thing, but this relationship has been going on for years! What if I took him back? What does that say about me? That it's ok, I'll forgive anything? I'm afraid if I forgive, I'm giving him the message that it's ok to cheat. Especially since this isn't the first time. Why should he stop if he knows he can get away with it time and time again? What does that say about how much I value myself? I'm just tired of all the lies. I'm tired of the betrayals-----I'm just tired. How are things going with you and your wife? Are you in therapy together? I'd like to hear a happy ending from someone out there.<BR>Mrs. Mush, thanks for your concern. I promise I'm more in control than I was yesterday. Kicking tires is a great idea, but I'll wait till my H's car is out there. It would feel better to kick HIS tires instead of mine.<smile> <BR>Chick's, thank you for your message. I'm breathing now. Your so right about everything---especially your quote. Never heard anything more true.<BR>Briana

Trying2-4give,<BR> Thank you for responding. How are things with you now? Are you both in therapy? I haven't followed any of your threads, so I don't know. Did the OW dump him after she found out the truth? Or did it even matter to her? That's my biggest fear--that she wont care what she's done to my family. I'm going through so many emotions lately. I try to imagine my life without him--did pretty good for a few days, then WHAM! I miss him. It's been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. Briana

Hi Brianna -<P>I'm so sorry for your pain and anguish. My H has had numerous "affairs" also, mostly one timers, but there were/are possibly two OW's....<P>One thing that I do give him some credit for (if it doesn't sound too weird) is that as far as I know they ALL have known that he is married!!! At least he didn't lie about that!!!! There's some integrity left there, I guess!!<P>I believe that it is mainly caused by their inability to face some "things" or "problems" within themselves. I have been fortunate in that I have not taken the blame onto myself for what HE is doing....Yes, I accept some of the problems within the marriage, but I know without a doubt that I am a good person and a good wife.....this is HIS doing and HIS running (or escaping, or fooling himself) from his problems and taking an easy route away from responsibility.<P>Please do not feel that you are "letting him" or 'enabling him" in any way!!! He is an adult and you are not his mother!!<BR>You can not control his actions and you are not responsible to be put in the position to do so. That is completely unfair to you....bad enough he did it, do not do it to yourself.<P>I think that it is very sad that they choose to do these hurtful things with no regard for others....they will have to face up to there choices sooner or later and that will not be a very pleasant experience.....certainly will be a lot harder than if they take a hold of themselves and actually look deep within and address their "demons"!!<P>Do not make her (or any of the OW's)your focus.....your family is your main concern. Your H is the one you need to think about and decide what is best for the children and yourself if he will not get the proper help and make changes.<P>I am reading an excellent book "Grow Up" by the same author of "Private Lies.<P>You should read them both if you can..maybe let H read them too!!!<P>Certainly sounds like he could use them!!<P>Again, I want to emphasize to you that you are the adult here, you are living in reality. For whatever reason...your H is not. That is not your fault!!!<P>HUGS and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

Sheba, Thanks for your book suggestions. I'm going to the bookstore today to buy them as well as the one toolbox suggested.<BR> I think your right about my husband not living in reality. To lie to people like he has, does show he has a major problem. I wonder how I can help him see he needs help? His mother and I had a long talk last night. She cried after the things I told her. Then admitted he was like that even as a child. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't anyone warn me? Probably because I wouldn't have listened anyway. I guess chick's quote says it all. That quote is now taped all over my house with a few others I've found enlightening.<BR> Time to go. My computer is acting funny. I'm suprised I was able to get through today----better post this before I lose the connection. Briana