Worst 12 hours of my life>>

I can't stand to see my kids going through this.

Its tearing my heart out.

I don't think that plan A can be continued.

I have to tell WW again that her actions are horrible - I could get through the pain of her rejecting me but know she is hurting the kids.

This morning I had to discipline my daughter for acting up, I did not let her go out to an activity that she normally does sat morning. She was alredy upset with me for taking her activity away,then WW was going out the door to WHO KNOWS WHERE when WW walked buy my daughter my dd said get away from me - WW reply was dont worry I am...
My daughter must feel so alone right now, I am normally able to comfort her but she won't let me in right now.
I can't imagine how terribly difficult this is for her.

I can't stand to see it,
I guess OM and WW have won they broke me.

And the saga goes on....

Today WW informs me that she will be leaving around 2:30 to have dinner with OM.
2min before she leaves she tells me not to expect her home till 2:00 tomorrow.

She has OM pick her up at our house while kids are waching

Scumbags scumbags SCUMBAGS


At least there is less tension in the home with her gone!!

I seem to be getting angryer and angryer about this -
I pray that I can continue.

Have papers been filed? I would see my attorney and get a restraining order to keep OM away from my home, and to try to get wife OUT.

Her disrespect is going to kill any love you have for her.

Today at church the surmon was about Luke 15 -- Lost Souls
I could have sworn that the Pastor was talking directly to me and my son. The message was not to give up hope on those that have strayed and to keep looking for them to come back - even if it may take a long time.

I was going to file for D myself this week while WW was on overseas trip with OM just to stop her from continuing to detroy the children by her actions - I think that I will now wait till she returns - see if there is any change.

I don't think that there is really anything left in the LB any more - Time for plan B or too late?

This is what I did. I asked God for emergency deposits in my love bank tokeep plan A going.

Jim,

I'll give that a shot,
I've asked for a lot of his help lately.

Plan B would be good, but you would need to get your wife out of the house. Maybe the trip will cause them to argue.

Believer,

She has already said she will be moving out when she gets back.
I know that most of the advise here tends to be not to seperate because it is hard to work on a relationship that way, but I see ours as degrading each day.

Maybe moving out will give them a dose of reality.

Maybe leaving the kids for a week will make her relize how much she will miss them,

Maybe leaving the kids for a week will make her relize that she is hurting the kids with her actions

Maybe they will have some quarrels

Maybe they will discover each others habits that they dont like

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

"Thou hast not to like it - thou hast just to do it."
-- Richard Marcinko, Seal Team Six

reachingout, your W is so abusive to you and your children that I think you should move to Plan B in the near future, before you explode. What she is inflicting on your family is more than most could endure and you have an obligation to protect your kids from her. It is shocking that she would actually bring this sleaze to your home in front of you and your children. It is harmful to all of you to be exposed to this.

I would suggest you get a seperation, when she leaves for her vacation with the OM, removing her from the house and gaining custody of the kids. Protect your finances from her and get a restraining order against the OM. Then after the dust settles for a couple of weeks, give her a Plan B letter.

But, I think you must do something. Your kids can't be exposed to this abuse. You shouldn't be exposed to this abuse. And doing nothing to stop it only enables her. What a sad, sad, situation.

Reachingout,
My $.02 as well, executing your plan, whatever it is, will allow you to regain the initiative in this situation and allow you regain control of yourself. The confidence in yourself is the biggest key to everything you need to do. If you have not already done so, I would also recommend buying these books (if you already have not)as they will help you to assess your own strengths and weaknesses in order to put together a good plan:
Surviving an Affair
Love Busters
His Needs, Her Needs

I'd read them in the order above and start working on YOU meaning, get fit and strong in the gym, learn to control your negative emotions, lear to express your positive emotions, build habits that make you an attractive option as a spouse. Once you are executing these items, your WW will notice. If you can remain firm but caring towards her and strong and loving for your kids, she cannot help but notice.

The OM is obviously an @hole who only cares about himself and is scared to embark on a journey like you are about to start. His fear is why he is clutching at your WW. The difference between your strength and his weakness will become evident. It may take some time, but it will be obvious.

Your WW will then want to test the "New" you so she will try to bait you and expose that this is just an act. When she is at her most vicious towards you, it will be her testing to see just how strong you have become. You wiil need to control/eliminate your Love Busters at this time and be understanding of her fear. She will become afraid that you could never forgive her and that will be the crux of her decision. She will only make the attempt at reconciliation if she sees that you are strong enough to repair the damage and not just wanting to punish her for her wrongs.

It is a tough thing to swallow your pride in this way. I had to tell my brother to ask me this question whenever I started to waiver:
"What are you willing to endure so Son4 and Daughter2 can be raised in a happy home with both of their parents?" The time you will need to invest will seem like an eternity but will be short compared to the childhood of your kids. In the end this is a very self serving process as well because you and your WW will learn how to be happy with each other.

Thanks again for the input, WW is leaving today on her trip with OM, The kids have a delayed opening from school because of the weather. They may put a little more guilt on her for a couple of hours.

I have SAA and am doing best at plan A. WW doent make it easy.

I have thought about all of those legal remifies while she is gone, restraining orders - custody orders - etc.

My plan at this point is not to upset the apple cart till after their trip, maysbe something will happen.
If nothing changes I will encourage her to leave without directly telling her that - I don't want her to be able to tell the court that I forced her out.

plan B when she moves out??

Any suggestions to improve this plan will be appreciated.

Received good advice from ML. Protect the young ones & yourself first. Marriage and busting the affair will take time.

nononono, you would go to court and get her forced out LEGALLY while she is gone. She has abandoned your family for her affair. What I am suggesting is that you file for a LEGAL seperation that is prepared and ready to be executed upon her return.

The apple cart is VERY UPSET right now and I am suggesting that you take steps to upright it by taking back control of your lives from a crazy, abusive person.

Then after she is moved out, you would go to Plan B. I don't think you should continue this Plan A when she is this abusive. It is harmful to your children and you. You have a greater obligation to protect your children. And frankly, she is so fogged out and entitled that I suspect that nothing short of such a wake up call would suffice.

p.s. why not put a call into Dr. Harley on his radio show today and tell him about this? You can get free advice from 10-1 cst today. Just click on the radio link at the top. He is really good!

There is no legal seperation in my state -- Only D
Seems like that would be the end ??

I was thinking of putting a note in her luggage to reminder her of her children -- while in the throws of passion .

any suggestions to what I might Say?

I second the above. Yes, Plan B after she is out of the house, exactly as they have all advised you. First, she must be out of the house.

Read the Betrayed Spouse - It is the Fear... post in GQ II and then absorb that. It's great advice, I wish it was easy to implement. I read it everyday.

Then, read that quote I placed at the top. The only fear I would allow myself is the fear of more damage to my children and overall well-being if you don't drop your other fears. Go to war with your fear, you have your life to regain no matter what and your children to protect. If she won't let you live for your entire family (which includes her), then live for your children. You can't do that when you are afraid of loss.

I'm telling myself everyday that my worst fear has already been realized, and it can't any worse. By that, I mean the moment my WW told me she didn't love me anymore. I'm trying to be numb to everything else: The separation, loss of all OUR belongings, loss of our life savings, dream home, her involvement with OM, my DD's anger at me, fighting resentment towards WW and MIL for poisoning my DD, and the very real possibility of divorce and losing the love of my life.

I can not afford to be afraid of that, I need to survive. I am already a better husband, father, and person from all of this. I am only growing stronger by the day. You will survive all this, I swear it.

Put it in His hands, you can control your life and no one else's.

Let go of your fear to be your childrens' hero, because...

You already are.

Don't bother with the note

and

After the trip, she'll most likely be much deeper in the fog.

Listen to ML.

Mr. Wondering

How will a note in her luggage protect your kids?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Please consider the advice I gave you about moving to Plan B and doing what you can to protect your kids from her. Contact a lawyer and see what you can do!

I didn't do the note - decided it wouldn't do any good any way - probably would be ignored.

I left the house when my DD went to school.

All I told WW was that I was here for her if she needed -
No love yous
No have a good time
Not much of anything from either one of us..

I hope that this week without her around will help to get some clarity on the issues with out the daily dose of BS.

Looking into seperaton agreement- doesn't mean much in this state but it defines asset splits and custody for temp basis. Can still be overturned in D. Still has to be agreed upon both sides.

When all of the exposing of the A doesn't do any good and they become more out in the open with their A,and no indication of wanting to work on the M, I guess the facts are the facts and time to move forward.
I still can't believe how non-responsive to the kids needs she has become.
Definitly not the woman I married.
And not someone I particularly want to be around if I take a moment to think about it.

The love bank must have a minimum balance that keeps me trying.