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I have what I think is a strong plan to move forward with my life and my kids life.
I need some advice on wether this is Love Busting or just staying and showing strenght, I tired of playing the door mat.
I will not move out of the house but I will push for her to move out of the house, her actions with the OM are not good for the kids and certinly don't help our relationship. every day that goes by is more strained.
I will also attempt to get primary custody of the children even though no divorce papers have been filed.
I think that I need to do this to move ahead but it does seem contrary to plan A.
Please give me some of your thoughts.
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This is good. A plan gives you a purpose and allows you to settle down the raw emotions. Protect the family from the affair chaos. Your kids are your first priority since they have only one sane parent currently. Protect your finances. BTW - Who is paying for the Lawyer?
Seems to me this plan fits the "stick" portion of Plan A.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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I wouldn't encourage her to move out. Expressing the option to her when she complains about the your gentle and calm expressions of boundaries is OK...but, it gets harder to fix your marriage if you are separate. You are merely opening the cage door so to speak, then she can't claim you are trying to control and manipulate her...if she moves, it's completely HER choice. Remember...she takes nothing with her but her clothes. The court and lawyers divide maritatl property and negotiate separation agreements, not you.
Further...the longer she stays the more time you have to demonstrate and document that you are super-dad and entitled to primary custody of your kids. It's not necessarily that easy to just get custody....especially as a man.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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I'm looking for some good advice for the next few Days.
The WW and the OM continue to do their thing - they seem to have gotten past the embarassment of exposure, in fact they are portraying their A to anyone who will listen as two wayward souls that have finnaly found their soulmate, and how can you hold that against us.
They are planning their overseas trip for next week, looks like they plan on spending sat night together also, Sunday night they wanted to go to a superbowl party together but when the kids overheard her plans they told her they wanted to see her before she went away - She may decide to stay home on sunday out of guilt.
I expect that when they return from their trip they are going to go full speed ahead with D.
Any suggestions on things to do over the next few days to keep hopes of any recovery alive. She still has shut me out, Not much communucation - no indication of any desire to fix our relationship - totally focused on the OM.
Looking for any ideas.
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reachingout...
part of plan A action for you today...
1. Call the childrens school...inform their teachers and counselors of wifes plans of going on a trip........
open the lines of communication with the teachers and ask for guidance and information of any changes in them at school....
2. Call your wife and calmly tell her this...
Dear I called the school today and spoke with the teachers and counselors to inform them that their mother is leaving them to go on a trip......and we spoke at length over their concerns.....
3. make huge plans this weekend with the kids...INVITE your wife...but do not stay home and appease her wanting to spend time with them..
plan something smashing that the kids want to do...invite her......but go and do and fill the kids weekend with fun and joy.......
do not insist she comes
do not accomodate her I want to spend time with them..
say cool if you want to spend time with them..here's where we are going..please come with US....
4. read the lighthouse post...do not cave in to their false false false bravado that any of their actions are noble.....
these two are going to crash hard....very hard....
every plan is the wrong one with NO concern for anyone elses feelings but their own....
they are leaving a huge wake of destruction..and mark my words it will catch up with them...
who is caretaking for the children while she is away...
what are the arrangements and which ones can you bow out of.....to make it difficult for her to abandon...lets discuss the details...to see where you can wiggle and throw some wrenches....
what do YOUR parents say about this
what do HER parents say about this...
what has contact been with the OM's wife....
lets discuss....
NO belly up...
mr wonderings God Bless you and your offer of assistance...
I am praying he takes you up on it....
much Grace to you...
ARK
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Great questions ARK!
Answers Reachingout??
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Thanks for the input here are some answers - ...
1. Call the childrens school...inform their teachers and counselors of wifes plans of going on a trip........
[color:"blue"] I spoke with my daughters counselor on tuesday and went over this subject -- Wife refused to go to that meeting - the conselor said that she still wanted to talk with her, I told WW to call her, i dont think she has - i will put it in an e-mail to her today to document it.
[/color]
3. make huge plans this weekend with the kids...INVITE your wife...but do not stay home and appease her wanting to spend time with them..
plan something smashing that the kids want to do...invite her......but go and do and fill the kids weekend with fun and joy.......
do not insist she comes
do not accomodate her I want to spend time with them..
[color:"blue"] Saturday I am considering two choices
A; spend tyime over at friends hose /party
B: inviting friends to our house for the game, and watching the uncomfortable feeling she will have with a house full of friends sypathetic to my situation.[/color]
who is caretaking for the children while she is away...
what are the arrangements and which ones can you bow out of.....to make it difficult for her to abandon...lets discuss the details...to see where you can wiggle and throw some wrenches....
[color:"blue"] My job allows me the flexibility with time to care for the children. That has been a good thing over the past month - it has given them the stability of a parent that will go beyond what was normal to be there for them emotionally and physically.[/color]
what do YOUR parents say about this
[color:"blue"] They can't believe she is doing this -- asked if shes on drugs LOL
They are willing to help out as nessary and WW knows they will
[/color]
what do HER parents say about this...
[color:"blue"] Besides me and the kids she is the most devistated by this - she doesnt know what to do.
WW was an only child, her father died at a young age my MIL feels responsible for her lack of morals even at 40yrs. My relationship with MIL is strong but conversation is now strained due to circumstances. She does't like - condone or agree with WW but she doesn't want to lose her only Daughter.[/color]
what has contact been with the OM's wife....
[color:"blue"] I have only had the one conversation with OM wife - She did not want to discuss it she was a wreck - I don' think she wants to talk to me about it - to her I am part of the problem - associated with the woman that has destroyed her life.[/color]
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awesome reaching...
so what if you weren't available for a day during her scheduled...
what would she do.....
definitely fill the house with a party..
be charming
warm
friendly
to her
and
the guests...
ARK
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Breakthrough????
I actually think the WW and I had some sort of a conversation tonight.
It started out really bad where she just wanted to talk about whos' moving out and how to split assets - turned into a pretty big battle where for the first time I told her I was done with all the [censored] and I was going to stay in the house and fight for custody of the kids. We broke of for a little while because yhe kids came into the room- had dinner then actually really talked for about an hour and a half. There was no apology but she did say "I'm not proud of what I did or how I did it". Nothing has really changed with the OM but this is the first time that she has shown any kind of guilt.
I'll take that as progress. --- Baby steps
I might even sleep tonight!!
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Telling her you are going to fight for custody of the kids is NOT staying on subject and it may warn her to prepare for just such a fight. You are not to discuss separation, divorce or custody fight with her....that's what attorney's do.
It's not horrible that you did this. It is definitely a stick of Plan A comment and delivering such message once is a bold and strong statement.
I am not trying to discourage you but want you to stay focused and aware. Until the affair ends, I wouldn't put much stock in evaluating progress. If she's planning a trip with OM she's more likely in appeasement mode....meaning she'll say and do anything to maintain the status quo to avoid risking the upcoming trip. If she has to be nice to you, demonstrate a little guilt and keep the peace before she leaves so be it. If you had tried telling her she can't go...then the crap would have hit the fan.
Sorry...just the way they work. It's not about you. Everything she says and does is filtered through her addiction...period.
Mr. Wondering
p.s. - my wife took off on a two week trip (before I found MB) to be alone and think. I was con'ed that they were ending it and we were making progress. I was wrong and they were together. She came back deeper in it than before she left. My wife's biggest fear before she left was I would file while she was gone. It would be a HUGE gamble to play that card because as an addict your wife is still likely to go on the trip and you would appear really weak and wimpy if you failed to follow through with any threat you were to make. If I had it over to do I would have played that card and meant it. But that's only hindsight. I was not prepared emotionally to do that at the time and it's likely neither are you. It's not very MB either....but I have no idea what Dr. Harley (or Steve Harely) would advise you to do to prevent such trip.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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It's good you meet her need for conversation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Mr. Wondering
After a decent nights sleep and having a chance to think unemotionally a little,
Your probably right, the begining of our conversation was ment to be combative trying to pick a good fight to make her feel better about going away, then being conciliatory so that I would'nt do something while shes gone ---
The Game continues -- I hope I am getting better at playing because I sure don't like playing.
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Boundrys crossed again!!!
Every gain that I may have made went out the window.
My Daughter stayed home from school this morning sick. My WW had the day off from work. She informed me that she had other things to do today so I said that I would stay home with my daughter, she backed off and we agreed that I would go to work till noon or so thaen come back and she could do her things. I decided to work from the Home office to collect e-mails & save some time, WW seemed to get angry that I hadn't left yet, and that she could have been doing her things if I was going to be home. About that time the OM's car pulled in our drive, I reminded her that he was not welcome in our house, especiially with one of the kids around.
She let him in the back foyer, after 5mins or so I took it upon myself to leave, you can imagine that it wasn't a good scene.
Words were exchanged between the me and the OM. WW got upset -- wanted to know why I was unresonable!!
I restated the boundry that the OM was not allowed to come to our home.
I think that plan A just had a major set back
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BALONEY
major set back my butt...
no women would let another women in to HER home..
you did right well and noble in telling jerk to hit the road....
with your daughter home..
sick sick sick...
good job keeping it verbal...
You should tell him next time you are calling police....
wife wanted to know why you were unreasonable..
pathetic..
I know it's all awfu...
but your wife is pretty much insane right now...
tell you are installing security cameras in the house....
ARK
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Did you leave the house with the OM still there with your WW and child ? I don't understand why? Maybe I am misunderstanding the post.
Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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I restated the boundry that the OM was not allowed to come to our home. What I can't understand is why you allowed him to stay, or why you left with him still in your home. Is the house in your name as well? Are you staying there at the moment. If that was the case, personally I would have asked him to leave immediately, and if he didn't skidaddle, I'd call the police. The very public attention may have been enough for him to know that he was unwelcome at your home. Plan A doesn't mean like you have to act like a wimp in front of your W.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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You should tell him next time you are calling police.... Active WS's don't respond well to threats. I'd have just called the police. Then my lawyer, to see what legal steps I could take to prevent him from coming into my home again.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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H*ll no I didn't leave the house
I stayed home all day. I gave WW very little time to get rid of him on her own when he didn't leave immediatly I stepped in.
No whimping out on this issue!!
I would have called the police but that would have ment he would be here longer.
Oh no my point was well made and he left not me -- Haven't seen WW al day - there probably off consoling each other!!
No - I feel good about throwing him out.
I think I'll change the locks while WW is gone for week with him, let her call police to get back in, I'd just love to explain that to them.
I need to calm down again -- can't do plan A with the adrenalin flowing! :-)
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That idiot showed up again I would hand him his azz on a silver platter and let the police sort it out.
Ok, I am calmer now....what I would do is file a trespasssing order against him or something. If WW did this again in front of my kid I would send her packing.
Just my 2 cents.
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yea, felt like dooing that but can't help kids from behind bars....
and the big LB - as soon as I was done removing my foot from his *** , I was angry and told WW that if this was going to go on she should get out now..made my point at the moment - later I corrected my comment to "I really wnat you to stay but if you choose to allow this we will need to do something else".
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