I just got done talking to a good friend on the phone.
I unloaded on him - said things that I never thought I would say about my wife and never to someone I know.
All those thoughts that swirl around in the back of your head while you try to be good in plan A.
All the thoughts that go through while WW is lying to your face, rewriting history, and destroying everything that you once thought was normal.

I'm not sure if it feels good or wether I regret saying all those bad things.

I do think that my friend was ready for it, he called because he knew it was going to be a stressfull day with the WW going of with OM.
I actually think he's been waiting for all the bad stuff to come out.

In the end he reminded me that I still had character that was so much more on a higher level than what was going on with WW and OM. And that the relationship that they were building based on lies and deceit is doomed to fail.

Thanks for friends here and at home...

Buying kids with gifts????

WW left several expensive gifts for the kids (I-pods, clothing etc.) before she left on her trip with OM.

Does she think that showering the kids with gifts is going to work?? Make them accept her new man??
I think that it did work some on the kids - they seemed as though hey didn't want to tell me tonight - maybe didn't want to

I think that the OM is showering WW with gifts trips etc. making her feel special - thats his hook

how long can that last??

Reality has to set in soon!!

be strong brother, its not about ww or OM its about you you are strong you are a man, your children have two examples right now how to lead their lives, you may think they will choose the easy gift giving one, they wont. Kids always want structure and love not gifts.

You need to protect yourself, you have a week to be prepared.

Get a Camera and record everytime WW and OM are around, have you started your father's custody journal yet.

This week be a camera crazied man, every chance you have take a picture of you and the kids, at the mall at the park in the snow. Start creating a Album of your fatherhood.

I hate to say it - its going to get nastier before it stops or gets better. Your backing her and him into a corner and they will protect each other and attack you, past the point of reason.

Be prepared she will claim abuse, you hit her, you neglected her. You need people on standby that will come over and sit with you when WW is home, so to be a witness to what you do and didn't do.

Get a voice recorded, record every call with her, calls with her and the kids. Everything that is said is recorded, use letters or emails to communicate with her and copy each one sent or received.

Its time to move your assets to a safe location, if you have valuables if you have things you don't want divide go rent a garage/storage NOW and move those things over immediately. Legally your at a good place, because your married.

Can you get the OMW to get you a copy of the credit card bill used to buy the tickets for the cruise, better yet get a copy of the ticket as they have WW and OM names printed on them, and if it is a cruise they are assigned the same room...

Even if your state is no fault, adultery is weighed in distribution and custody... You just need to document everything

Start going to school and speaking to the counseler and teacher. Find one that is sympathetic and work on their willingness to testify for you, they will be reluctant but work on them slowly. Make sure they have regular one on one contact with your children... make sure they write down notes that they could refere back to in case they testify... remember scooter libby.

Divorce is not a end its a beginning, its a beginning for you to be free of fog and free of abuse.

So don't fear it, just don't enable it.

I just read through your situation. One thing you really need to be doing is doing is documenting and journaling your WW behavior around the kid’s.

Example:
Her willingness to go for a holiday with OM while this is all fresh to them.
Having OM in the house while they (and you) are there.
Her unwillingness to care for daughter when sick despite not being at work,

All these factors can heavily influence the custody decision. That in turn might get WW out of the fog for a moment.

Yes I am keeping a detailed journal, talking with the kids counsolers - making sure that friends know what is going on - letting MIL know whats going on -
I still need to get past the fear but I'm working on it, getting stronger each day.

I can't begin to express how helpfull this forum has been to me, not only the wonderfull advice that is given (often with different views to keep some balance) but also being able to see the clear pattterns of almost all of these sitchs' - Helps me to relize that it's not just me, and although at this point, to me, it seems hopless - there is hope as evidenced through others real experiances.

I hope that one day I will be able to give back with positive experiances and helpfull advice.

Thank you to all that help. Each post helps.

Hey

Are you getting an action plan together? So far its been abuse and reaction.

Have you seen an atty? Advise or ask the atty how you and kids need protection from this emotional and financial assualt.

Your kids have to be protected from this ordeal. I am sure when they return from the honeymoon, they will come back with guns blazing. You are getting a rare opportunity of peace to formulate your next course of action.

I have a question for all the legal minded out there

Those of you familiar with my sitch know that my WW is in out of the country this week with the OM.

It has occured to me that this may be my chance to record phone conversations but I am still unsure of the legalities.
In my state all parties must agree to being taped during a phone conversation. A friend of mine said that if the call is out of the country that only the party still in state would have to consent.

Anybody have an opinion on this - it may be my only chance to get recorded evidence.

I would think you would then fall under federal mandates for wiretap which I believe says both parties are aware.

I wouldn't engage her, just let her say hi to the kids and don't say anything else.

What is going on with getting the ticket receipts and proof of the trip for your legal fight.

Are you preparing for her return and the fight that will come

You bet I'm getting prepared.
Don't think I'll have any luck getting proof of flight etc. the OM arranged and I think paid for everything.
At least there are no charges on any cards or money removed from any accounts.
I do have a pretty good idea of when they flew out and on what airline that if need be can be used. Also think I Know what hotel I was going to call front desk and ask for her by her name -- and record in journal.
Had good reason to contact her today - took DD to Dr. for ear ache ( also had Dr. document stress at home as part of exam ) But had no way to reach her - goes into journal.

I think that they will be making plans while they are gone to move in together.

I’m a firm believer in that the betrayed spouse’s mantra should be “pray for sun – prepare for rain”. I do hope you can save your marriage but the advice I’m going to give right now is a lot more to do with saving yourself...

I would send her an e-mail telling of your daughter’s ear-ache. Word it in a brief and open manner that would leave her with more questions than answers. Most/all e-mailers have an option of requesting a delivery and read reply. Mark both options before sending the e-mail. Note that not all programs reply to the read option. Neither the “confirm delivery” not “confirm when read” options is easily traceable by her.

If she does reply then the message trail can be used to confirm from where the mail was sent. If she doesn’t reply then it shows you did notify her of the situation and she showed no interest or did not make arrangements beforehand to reachable. You have proof that you tried to get in touch.

I strongly recommend you do NOT tape the phone. Although I think it’s OK from purely a surveillance point of view then taping without her consent is very likely illegal and can even be used to show you entrapped her into “sounding like a bad mom”.

If you have a trusted friend who is in the know about your situation then you could use this alternative: IF she phones tell her you are busy and offer to phone back in 30 minutes. If she refuses then ask her to phone at a certain time. Get your friend over and have him witness the phone call.

WW won't check her e-mail while away. She has totally check out of reality - doesn't seem to care about the things that used to matter - friends/family/ even activities that she was involved in have taken a back seat.Checking e-mail while away wouldn't fit into tha fantasy.
On the bright side the past 2 days have been quite nice with the kids - a welcome reprive from the daily grind and abuse.

Reachingout,
I did some research into a lawyer for my own sit recently and hers is some of the advice from that research:
1)establish that you are primary care giver to kids, you are doing that already it seems, but make sure it is very detailed and please write by hand in a daily planner type book to establish this was not all just made up at the last minute. Establish that being with you as the custodial parent is in the children's best interest.
2)be very careful when disciplining the children. under no circumstances allow any situation to be perceived as abusive by you, this would include spanking.
3)Be very careful in your friendships and associations with women. Even if it is just friendship, accusations that you are seeking companionship outside the marriage can blunt your claims of infidelity.
4)Do not physically confront the OM or WW, even if she accuses you of something you did not do, cooperate with the police at the time and seek legal recourse later, no being a hothead even if you are RIGHT.
5)Avoid all drug and alcohol use during the period of contention.

In a way then whether she reads the post or not isn’t too important. Sending the mail will show that you are acting in a responsible manner. If this goes to divorce and custody then the mail will show that you are not preventing her from being a part of the children’s lives but that she chooses not to respond.

In fact – considering your daughter went to a doctor – not informing your wife might be considered the complete opposite: an attempt by you to keep her away from the children.

Bigger, good Idea I'll send e-mail anyway.

Gameface, I am on track with all that - It's not hard for me to follow those suggestions :-) - comes naturally.

The hardest part of this is trying to balance self preservation and protection of the kids with The idea of trying to save the marriage. They seem to be contradicting each other at this point.
The kids are worth saving though and take top priority - someday when this has all played out, My Children will be able to look up to me with respect for how this is being delt with. If WW ever comes around she will see that I am doing what needs to be done cosidering the circumstances and if she doesn't come around - well - then I guess it doen't matter what she thinks.

RO,
The other benefit to getting the situation with your kids, under control is that once you can put that in maintenance mode, you can focus on a good plan A, Plan B. If you are worried about the kids, you won't be able to focus and you will likely not be as confident in the rest of your dealings with the WW.

Quiet confidence in yourself will be one of the factors that ends up snapping her head around to see what is up with you.

keep us posted!

Reaching,

Read only if you are willing to hear the cold hard truth, as I see it.




You are sure you still want to read? If so, proceed.




Let me see if I understand this correctly: Your WW and OM go on a “love” trip where they will be screwing each other’s brains out, yet you somehow believe that WW could be less in the fog when she returns. The question for me is not how much in the fog your WW will be when she returns, but how much in the fog are you currently in.

How much disrespect can you accept before you stand up for yourself? Bro, you need to stop fooling yourself and start standing up for your children, if not for yourself.

File TODAY. File ASAP. You will never be in a better position legally. You need to press your advantage. Respect yourself and protect your children. You can worry about the M later. You are a long way away from salvaging your M.

Note that your children are keenly observing your actions. If you keep being a wimp like you’ve been (although with intermittent moments of clarity), your children will lose, justifiably, respect for you.

Let’s say you don’t file and wait on your (ABSURD) fantasy that WW may become more willing to work on the M after the trip. WW, after having a great time with OM and with all kinds of chemicals floating in her brain, file for D first, seeking, among other things, primary custody. You will then be in a defensive position legally and would have to counteract all of her claims, instead of being in the offensive in this regard. You could still win, but you would have put yourself at a huge disadvantage unnecessarily. Strike first and strike hard while the facts are clearly in your favor legally.

Please note that I am not saying that you should not try to save your M. I am saying first things first. You will have time to save the M later. Given the complete disrespect displayed by your WW and her clear intentions to file for D once she returned (I really can’t see how she can be clearer on this), you need to press your advantage. What you need to do right now is to protect yourself and your children. What you need to do right now is to FILE ASAP.

If you do not respect yourself, no one will. If you do not protect your children, no one will. Rationalization should not be an excuse for not doing the right thing. And the right thing here is to look after yourself and your children FIRST.

Best

Lets have opinions on this -- let me know both sides.

I am really leaning towards filing now.

I read through my own posts and IMHO I would say file if it was someone else.,

This is my week of clarity - Let me hear all sides -
I want to move on!

Talk to atty for advice. Give the whole story.

From what I read - file asap while they are out of country. Get some restraining order or protection from OM entering your house or being around the kids.

This situation is absurd - You should not have to take this crap. Earlier post from Cymanca mentioned to give the WW a push in her fantasy. Dont wait for the storm to arrive back. Get a plan together while you have the calm.

Reachingout

Have you FILED yet????? Temporary full custody, child support, the family home, financial split of bills, no person of opposite sex around the children at either parent's residence.

Protect the children first. Your WW is doing plenty to take care of herself and OM. She has several months to change her mind of which I would do Plan B up and until the D if it goes that way.

Get with it. There will never be a better chance w/ their flippin Mother out of the COUNTRY with an adulterous affair partner leaving children with you.....

Today may be the day I have the atty file.

I'm still looking for as much advice to consider as possible.

As you can imagine this is a difficult decision.