I'm not really sure if this is where this post belongs so if it isn't please let me know.
I had what I guess would be an emotional affair 5 or 6 years ago. I began talking to the guy on the internet and then it moved to the phone where graphic things were said that shouldn't have been said.
My husband was very preoccupied with his job and I felt lonely and frustrated and thought if he found out another guy was interested, he would show a little bit of emotion toward me and our marriage.
I know, stupid, childish, ignorant!!! I told him I was in love with this guy and I was ready to leave and while I didn't really feel anything but a bit better about myself, I thought this would make him want to show some affection and love toward me again.
I told him after I ended the relationship with the guy that there was no real feelings other than a boosted ego for me, but all he heard was that there were feelings for the guy and we tried this site out for a while but never stuck with it.
He told me I was forgiven but apparently, I wasn't.
We got into an argument this past weekend over something completely unrelated and he threw his wedding ring at me and told me to get out.
This isn't the first time this has happened and I just gave his space for the rest of the day and evening. We slept seperately and the next morning I figured we'd work things out.
That didn't happen.
He still wanted me to leave and I finally got him to let me know what was going on later that day and he said that for the last several years he has been trying to forgive and forget the incident but he hasn't been able to and now he is completely empty inside and isn't sure our marriage is going to work.
I'm dying inside. He asked me to go to my mom's for a week or two to let him sort out his feelings but I'm not sure that's the answer either. But if I don't give him his space to sort things out, then he could decide tomorrow that this is it and ask for a divorce. We live two hours from all family and friends because he changed jobs in September.
We have a nine year old son who is homeschooled and is very sensitive emotionally.
I really want our marriage to work out and I want to do the right thing for it, I just can't make myself believe that me and our son being two hours away is going to help.
I'm afraid he will realize that he likes the single life and we will not be welcomed back at the end of the couple of weeks.
He said he wants to forgive and forget there just aren't any feelings left right now and he wants to be without me to see if those feelings will come back and make him realize that he doesn't want to wake up every day without me. He says he feels pressured with us here because he sees us and says "no, i can't leave". I guess I'm just looking for some new thoughts and perspectives on this situation and the pros and cons of what would start out as a temporary separation.

Thanks.

Charis

Is this posted in the wrong place???

Well, I'll start this off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Read everything you can from this site. Also read Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley and His Needs, Her Needs by the same.

You are right, being separated isn't going to help your marriage.

You need to begin Plan A.

Alph.

Welcome. This is the right place to post. Do you mind if I ask what the argument was about? It sounds to me like he is using the excuse of your EA.

We always tell people here NOT to move out of the home. How can you work on a relationship if you are not together.

Like Melody says - if he needs space, he can go in the bathroom and lock the door.

I hope there is no chance of another woman being in the picture. The "need space" comment is a common one for adulterors.

Hi C!

It's not posted in the wrong place but sometimes posts get looked over.

I'm not an expert but if I were you I'd read about the wayward spouse and what he/she needs to do. the main thing is to be remorseful and promise to do whatever your husband needs you to to be forgiven. Plan A him. Try to find out what his most important needs are and meet them. Talk to him about all this to show him you mean it.

What I most recommend is that you call Dr. Harley on his radio show or you write him and e mail and get the bet advice from the expert.

Forgiveness is possible, but Dr. Harley always says that the BS has a right to divorce the WS because infidelity is the most painful thing you can do. Yet most BS WANT to forgive and recover their marriages.

Don't leave. Stay. You need to be with your husband.

He is sounding like WH himself. You might want to investigate a little bit. Look at email, tm, cell phone records etc.

I heard that the make the boyfriend (H in this case) jealous tactic usually backfires. Sounds like that is the case here.

Thanks for the replies.
The argument was about disciplining our son. We've always had disagreements about it and we are paying now because our son is a brat and we are trying to fix it.
My husband was fired in August because of a knee injury he sustained so we had to move. Our son has not handled the move away from his family well at all.
I can't really tell if it was an excuse or what. Honestly, I never had any inclination over the last few years that anything was wrong.
We've had disagreements, especially in the place we were living before because of his boss who was also his best friend. I didn't trust him or his wife but I went along with my husband and we hung out with them and everything and in the end they proved they weren't trustworthy.
We've argued about the discipline issues and other minor stuff and this is the first time the EA has ever come up. He says the trust is gone and has been gone and I guess this has been eating at him for a long time and he says there is no emotion left at all.
He says he WANTS to forgive me he just doesn't know if he can. He needs to be without me to see if that's how he really wants to live.
Right after the EA he found this site and printed out all the questionaires and we did them together so I know what his biggest needs are. I have been working on them the last few days and he says it makes him feel physically good, like with the massages and our sex life, but there is still no emotion.
I asked him if he would consider taking another look at this site and he said he didn't know.
I get the feeling that he doesn't really want to take a proactive approach to working it out. He wants me to leave for a while and see if something just hits him about his feelings.
I don't really think that's the way things work though.
I wish I knew some things to say to him. I've told him how sorry I was and that I'm willing to do anything he needs or wants me to do to prove that this is where I want to be and have always wanted to be.
He told me that me telling him that is why he didn't push the issue of me leaving this weekend. He wanted to give me another chance to show him something that he hasn't seen before. (Plus, I called my mom cuz that's who would have to come get me and she was highly ticked off about him trying to kick me out! Not sure if that had anything to do with his change of heart. lol)
Anyway, I just talked to him on the phone and asked him if he could skip the basketball game he was supposed to go to tonight so we could talk a little more earlier in the evening rather than later when we're both tired. He said he didn't know.
He is the school resource/DARE officer here so he has a lot of games and school activities he has to be at. He loves his job and I have been afraid since we moved here that he would love it so much that my son and I would be a threat to it because he would feel like he couldn't spend as much time on his job as he'd like.
I've tried not to say much about his having to go to all these places but I've also wondered if him going to them is what is making him want to be single, thinking maybe he would have more fun or whatever.
He has invited my son and I to come to the games and I've gone a couple of times because he made a really big deal about wanting us there.
I went to one the other night even though I didn't want to to try to prove to him I'm willing to do whatever to make him happy.
I didn't know the way and had to follow him over to the town it was in and it was dark so I told him I'd have to follow him back home.
There was an incident and we were stuck there an extra hour later and he called me while I was still sitting in the parking lot and asked me where I was because he was back home and just realized he'd forgotten me!!
He seemed apologetic but I was a bit hurt by it.
I'm rambling now because I'm so terrified things aren't going to turn out well for us so I'm sorry.
I love this man with all of my heart and soul and I can not live without him. He is my life.

Charis

I'm sorry but what is WH??

I really can't investigate because I do not know his passwords. He uses a laptop which has passwords that I don't have access to because he is a cop and he keeps reports and other such private information in files there. The cell phone records aren't really helpful because there are a lot of different numbers there because the officers use their personal cell phones to make calls regarding cases. I may try looking at his text messages but the bills don't show any extra. He and I text a lot when he's at work because he can't always talk. I'm a naturally jealous person, which has also been a point of conflict throughout our marriage, and my gut isn't screaming at me that something is out of whack there. The only suspicion I have is what I mentioned in my previous post. He works with high schoolers and junior highers and I've wondered if he just misses the free lifestyle. Not saying his feelings aren't justified because I did screw up, it's just weird that for 5 or 6 years he's said nothing and not acted different at all.

Wayward husband.

First, the two of you need to be spending at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together. Work on that. Please continue going to the games and activities with him.

You know his EN's so start filling them. It will take a couple of months to get him engaged.

There is a good book about disciplining kids, called "Back in Control". It will give you excellent help. Basically, it is about setting ground rules, and being consistent in following them.

Should I talk to him face to face about whether the EA is just an excuse and about my suspicions that he just thinks the single life would be more fun or whatever? He has been asked to be at prom this year and just two weeks ago he was talking about me going with him and this being "our prom" because we didn't know each other in high school. Then it came up again last night and I said something about whether or not he'd still want me with him and he laughed and said "If you're still around". That really got me to wondering and I did ask him if he was happy about the thought of being single and he said no it was scary and that he was laughing because he wondered why i thought he wouldn't want me there if we were still together. That's just been bothering me a bit too.
Should I let it all go and just concentrate on EN's or should we talk about things as well. Mostly we talk on yahoo messenger because we seem to get more said that way and it keeps emotions out of it and from being misunderstood but I told him I wanted to talk face to face soon as well.

Also, should I tell him about this site and go ahead and print out some articles to encourage him to read? or is this something he has to do on his own?

Thanks

Just bumping this up hoping for some answers. Thanks

All I can suggest is stay in Plan A while you are working on things. I think I would check his cell bill to make sure there aren't 500 calls to one number. Also, if he uses the computer, install a keylogger, and check that.

I would not force feed him information from this site.

Believer,

Thank you. He only uses his laptop and I am completely locked out of it because of the investigative files kept on it. I got the cell phone bill today and nothing looked out of place. There were two photo messages and I plan to ask him casually about that this evening but other than that, everything looked normal.
Plan A, I'm guessing, means to do everything I can to fulfill his EN's and not leave?
I appreciate your reply. I feel so desperate right now and I'm so scared. I wish there was some way to tell whether or not it really is the EA that is bothering him or if there are other reasons for him thinking it may be time to end it.
Thanks a bunch for replying.

Hmmm. Who would send photo messages?

I don't really think it is the EA - something else is going on, and we will have to wait to see.

Can you afford a gps to put in his car?

JM28 -


Those are normal feelings. However, don't act desparate (it will most likely only drive your husband away), and do your best to not be trapped by your fear.

Study Plan A, as believer suggested. Implement it. Do not leave your home.

Remember, Plan A is about you - making you the best wife, mother and person you can be. Keep your eyes peeled for any indication that he may be in an affair (EA or PA).

Only he can really tell you if it is the EA, or something else.

What steps did you both take to recover your marriage from your EA? Did you do IC and MC? It's possible that he never recovered from the EA, but there could be other things going on as well.

I don't really think it your EA that's bothering him. Rather I would bet he's got something going on himself. Check on those photo TM's. He needs to let you see them.

Right after the EA he found this site and we completed the questionnaires and read some of the articles. We never really followed through on anything though. He does not believe in counseling. To him, it is someone else telling him how to feel and act. My mom is the only other person who knows about the EA. The EA was several years ago and lasted a couple of months. When I ended it, I ended all contact, changed our phone numbers, changed my email addresses, changed everything I could think of to make sure there would be absolutely no chance of any other contact. I stopped chatting online completely except through yahoo messenger with my family members.
I'm hoping I can ask about the TM's without sounding accusatory because I really don't think there's another person specifically in his life. I am beginning to wonder if hanging out with jr high and high school kids all day makes him think about the free lifestyle associated with that time and is making him second guess being tied down. I don't know though. He has always been one to control his emotions so well. He never lets anything get to him and has always gotten frustrated at me when I couldn't let things go.
We had a lot of problems in the beginning of our marriage because I had saved myself for marriage and he had not and I had a hard time getting used to the idea that he had a past. Weird I know but that's just the way I am. He was always telling me that we have to leave the past where it belongs and just allow the lessons learned to make us stronger which is why it was such a shock to hear that he hadn't let it go yet.

Believer,

He drives the patrol car all the time. We can't really afford that right now anyway.
We just got the new cell phones and the cameras were something new and it may be something completely innocent. I feel horrible because I came on here to find info to help him forgive and heal and I feel like I've made him sound like the bad guy when I am the one who had the EA.
My mom wondered what his plans were as well when i told her last night he wanted me to leave for a week or two so he could get his thoughts together.
I really want to think the best of him until I know for sure but I really don't believe he's involved with anyone.
Maybe it's something else.
Also, where do I read about Plan A? I'm not having the easiest time navigating this site. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thanks for all your help.