I'm still having problems finding anything about Plan A. Can someone direct me please?

JustMe,

Read the articles and you will come across plan A. Also in the Q&A section Harley cross references to the salient points of a good marriage.

I read your post and thought several things.

1. This woman needs to calm down.

2. This woman is not paying alot of attention to things going on around her.

3. This woman has NO PLAN for how she wants to address the evident issues.

So given that, let me start by saying : "CALM DOWN"
To rebuild a marriage takes time and patience. Nothing changes fast including feelings. You will need patience both with yourself and your H.

Next, I would like to remind you of your wedding vows. They did NOT say love your spouse when you "feel" like it. You vowed to love (as in the verb to love) your spouse through "thick and thin" "sickness and health" etc. What that means is he does NOT have to "feel" love for you to act loving toward him. Further, he does not have to "feel" love for you for him to love you. That is why the VOW was stated as it was.

Whether he gets the "feeling" back is irrelevent, hence separating to get the "feeling" back doesn't often work. What does work is enjoying time together, sharing things, touches, intimacy, a good joke, a smile, and yes time together. Are you starting to get an idea about what your "plan" for this marriage might contain?

I would strongly recommend you read about Harley's 4 rules for a good marriage. I would also recommend that you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, and the policy of radical honesty.

Your plan should include those things as well.

My next question is what are your love busters? What do you do that LB your H? Figure them out, and stop it.

Start with these things and then let's talk somemore.

Now let's speculate about the affect of your EA, and what is going on in his life now. It seems that neither of you really addressed the EA and the damage it did to him. Further, it seems he has harbored and nutured the pain to use as a weapon against you. It does not take too much to figure this out.

What takes a bit more work is figuring out why he decided to use the weapon NOW. Let's review what you have said.

1. He was fired. You have no idea how badly that gets to men. I mean he could easily still be in depression concerning this firing especially when you add in point 2.

2. He was fired by a good friend, he trusted for what seems to be a physical injury.

3. He has had to move. Your son is having a hard time adapting has it occured to you that your H might be as well, no matter how well the job is going? Have you been there for him, have you to enjoyed time together sightseeing and such? Think about this.

4. Your son is NOT happy. Further you two disagree about discipline. Given what your H does for a living, you might imagine he has a far better idea about what he feels is good for a child than you realize. Further, have you factored in his fears for his child. You are the mother, and you homeschool this child. Is it possible that you are too close to the situation to understand where your H is coming from?

I see many stressors in his life and yours as well. I don't see a plan for addressing them. I don't see/hear about the "good" times you two have now. I don't see you understanding that he does want you near him or he would not ask you to join him.

Further, I don't hear you telling him: "Bub, I married you, I love you, and I am not leaving you. If this marriage has problems then WE will fix them. We won't wait until you "feel" good about things."

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. It at best makes it grow mushier, and often just the opposite...harder.

You two need to review what your vows mean to you. What your son means to you. And what a good marriage would look like to both of you. Once you understand these things, then an ACTION plan can be developed to address the issues that manifest themselves.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

so good JL
really really good

JL,

Thank you for the reply. You are right. I haven't really thought anything through. We have been talking and I told him I was thinking about spending the weekend at my mom's but I can't take the car because he will be left without one. I was going to come back Monday or Tuesday and now he has it pushed to the next Friday.
If I don't go this weekend, he has already said it is over and I will be moving all of my stuff out. He said this isn't about me. It's about him. I did my part and he has to decide whether to forgive me or not. He is a very unselfish man and always puts other people first. He said he is ready to put him first and he needs space to figure out what he needs.
I'm at a complete loss right now because he's right. I screwed up and he has to decide whether he wants to forgive me. I can't make someone do something they don't want to do. He refuses to talk about anything because he doesn't see the point. He thinks about the EA and can't get any farther than that.
He's not willing to listen to anyone right now.
He wants to do it alone. I'm just so scared because I'm afraid absense won't make the heart grow fonder in this situation, I just don't think I have a choice but to go to my mom's for a few days anyway because if i stay, it will only be a few days before all of our talking really gets to him and he says there's nothing left at all and it's done.
Then there are no other options for me.

JustMe,

No matter what YOU have to have a plan. Hopefully others will chime in, but my inclination would be to tell what I mentioned.

Look him right in the eye and tell him "he is your man and you intend to have a good marriage with him." If he insists that you leave, again look him in the eye and tell him you want him to think about what it would take to make this marriage a good one for him. You want him to think about what he needs. You want him to think about the fact that he is loved by his children AND YOU.

Tell him you are aware of many issues in his life and your EA is clearly one of them, but that you have found a place where guidance "coaching" if you use the Harley's marriage rebuilding is the norm.

Let the man know you have some steel in your spine and that you intend to for him to be happy...with you and his family.

I still don't like the separation idea, but if you decide to do it let him know of YOUR intentions and what you need to hear from him when you get back. Then smile at him, give him a kiss and a hug, and let him know things can and will get better.

JustMe, they can and will get better if you use the information on this site.

Good luck and God Bless,

JL

PS: Pep! Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JL,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. We will be spending the weekend together at his mom's and then on Sunday, he will take me to my mom's where I will stay until Friday.
I decided to do this because I am trying to let him know that I respect him and his need for space. I also made sure that he would pick us up on Friday and we would come back home to talk. He will tell me what he is thinking about and I will gather my thoughts and attempt to put a Plan A in place if he is willing to let me stay.
One big problem is that I have always fought to get my way all the time and that has been something that is frustrating him as well, so I am showing him that I don't have to do that. I can and will respect him and compromise my wants to make him happy and to give him what he needs. That is what I'm hoping this week is about.
I have prayed that God will give me the strength to handle this properly and I have put it into His hands because I can't do this myself.
I have asked Him to touch my husband's heart and guide him back to me and what we have together, and to allow him to see that divorce is not the answer. I've also prayed that He will give me the wisdom to do the right things to help him along the way to forgiveness.
My husband was frustrated last night because we were talking and I had a negative attitude about what the outcome would be. He asked me why I was looking so negatively about it and that we had last night and tonight together and I told him I wanted forever and he said "Then just chill". That gave me a little bit of hope that he still sees something worth saving and just needs a little bit of time to get his thoughts together to get himself on the track to forgiveness.
I am scared to get my hopes up to much because I start thinking about him coming to my mom's Friday, or maybe even earlier, because he realizes he can't live without me and he misses me too much to let it all go, and in reality, that probably isn't going to happen.
For one, he won't come early because he is going to use all the time he can because he wanted it to be longer. And I don't think he'll wear his heart on his sleeve here even if he thinks there's a little something to work with, he will be guarded at best and it won't be an emotional, lovey-dovey reunion at the end of the week.
I asked him if he thought about reading things on this site again and he said not yet. I've planted the idea in his mind though so I hope he comes here while I'm gone and reads a little bit.
He told me last night that the EA is the only issue he is dealing with right now and I believe him. I think he made the mistake of holding it in for five years and trying to pretend that it was ok when it wasn't and it built up to the boiling point and he really just couldn't pretend anymore.
I hate that he feels he has to do this by himself but that is what he wants so the best thing, I believe, for me to do to prove to him that I am willing to forget about myself and think about his needs is to give him this time and just pray that he doesn't decide that he will bring me back on Friday just to pack my stuff up.
I will be with my mom and dad who know the whole story so I'll be able to talk about things so that's good.
I'm going to try to make the best time possible tonight and while we're together at his mom's house and pray that it's enough.

Thank you all very much for your supportive words.

Charis

Be sure to leave a voice activated recorder in the bedroom while you are gone, just in case.