I know this is a pro marriage site, but I am faced with this choice-Stay married and chance what happened happening again or worse yet happening OR Divorcing and going through the renching pain of letting go of a committment I made before God and people. I feel like I am between a rock and hard place to say the very least.

You might thinking wait and stay in it longer and try other things. We have done that and the bottom line is can I trust him again? No.

I have posted a timeline of our situation and some things on attraction in the emotional needs forum and this one. In doing so I am sorting things out and coming to the same conclusion every time.

I'm so sorry you feel so lost/hurt in having to make this choice.

Just wanted you to know that someone feels your pain and is here for you.

((((hugs))))

Thank you...lost/hurt hits the nail on the head. I think am I crazy to think this is it, but then it so clear in some ways.

I here people say this torn feeling can last a while...one friend says years, but I feel like the more you work through the shorter it would be. I don't know how true any of that is.

Growing,

I am not usually one to pull out the 2x4 so quickly but here goes.

YOu have been registered her for a whopping 3 days.

You have no sig line and didn't even link to your time line.

If this is the amount of work you are willing to do then nobody here can help you.

Everyone has a right to walk away. My mom said it to me the best "just make sure you are 100% sure for a while before you decide on a D. Not 100% sure for a day or a week but for a while. That way you never regret your decision to leave."

How long have you been 100% sure a D is the best thing?

You know there are many more people here than on the EN forum.

Why don't you post your story here so the "pros" can help.

I think every person here can say that they have felt just like you do. Many have gone on to fully recover.

I have to go now, but I'll keep an eye out for you.

Please post, many will be along to help you.

frognomore...because I have been here for a whopping three days means I have not put an effort into this longer than that??!?!? What an assumption for you to make. The concepts on this website have been put into place for over two years and I have just come to the place of wanting a D 100% hence the previous posts on when to file and the attraction issues. Just because I came to this board after having worked through the prior steps does not mean I have not implemented them. If you want more on my story go to the previous posts. If not take your 2x4 and do something else with it.

Have a great day.

maybe2late...thank you. I have posted a timeline a couple of days ago. Below is a copy of my first post.



Such a complicated issue. I will try to list a timeline to make the story shorter so I can get to the question at hand.

12/05-12/06-I started working on keeping my mouth shut. No belitting, berating, nagging. Serious issues still remained. In-laws very intrusive. Husband was lying about how he felt. Husband was not really interested sexually throughout entire marriage. I was angry every minute of every day.

1/06-Counseling=I was bitter. He was defensive. Dealt with bitterness. Felt a freedom I had never had. Began to learn to communicate my feelings honestly in love and set healthy boundaries. Husband still did not pursue me sexually.

7/06-Realized our issues were bigger than I realized. Husband had not been honest about big issues. Staying home with kids in future, Leaving his parents, His desire for me.

8/06-Ultimatum-Told husband he could move me by Aug of next year or I would move myself without him. We live practically in in-laws back yard.

9/06-Seperated in the house because of husbands withdraw issues and my tendancies to "make" him see the light.

9/06-11/06-Made huge changes in communicating. I invited him back in and he withdrew again the next day.

11/06-Said if he withdrew again and acted like he didn't want to be in the marriage I would move out. Would not stay in a relationship where only one person was emotionally present then moved out all in about a week.

Since have been in counseling. Found out he has a P&M addiction. Has admitted to having sex with other woman in his mind. I get a visual of this and it is extremely difficult to handle. I have been lonely the entire marriage and I have not resorted to affairs. He has lied several times during the course of all the truth coming out. Have found out things about our entire marriage and before that were lies. We have been married 4 1/2 years. Still wonder if I have the whole truth, but don't really want to know more. I want to file for a divorce. He does not. In my opinion, why would he. He has gotten to do everything in his little world he has wanted to to make himself feel better while I have suffered without. Now if I stay he gets that too. Anyway, my question is when should I actually file. I don't want to rush into any decisions for fear of making the wrong one. I cannot see how we could ever have a real relationship. We never really had one in the first place. Now I do not trust him at all. It is not the addiction. It is all the hiding and the lies. He is not like most people I have encountered in my..let's call it "colorful" life so far...that were manipulative and you could see them trying to get away with it. This man is seen as nice and sweet and sincere. Well, he has always looked that and he has been leading two lives. Why would I go back to someone that can hide that well and lead me down a path of destruction again. It kills me that he wants to stay and I worry that I will out of stupidity. I might forget how bad reality is while I am away and trying to forgive and learn to love again.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have lurked here for some time and I look forward to sharing on a very informative board.

with all due respect, GH, if you would like help, you need to either post the link to your other thread, or you need to give a summary of your situation here for all to read easily.
It is too time consuming for us to go do a search for your other posts.

Everyone here wants to help - but you need to make it a little easier. After all, most of us come here in between phone calls at work!!

Growing,

We want to help you if you want to be helped. I echo what WOF has said, there are thousands of posts from people here and to search yours out to see what has happened means you will get less help.

Most people will just change the title of their post so all of their story is accessable.

Any way I took my 2x4 out for a coffee.

I never actually assumed you didn't work on your M before you came here. I was just curious as to why come here and not give the advice here a try for long enough for it to have an impact on your M.

So I guess my first question would be do you have any children?

I've taken the time to read some of your other threads.

you've talked a whole lot about your needs. not much time about his needs. Doesnt sound like that is very important to you.


He is bending over backwards to make things right with you, and you are spurning him.

a quote from one of your other threads.

"We have had marriage counseling in the past and are in counseling now. I feel like we are both growing, but I don't feel like I can stay. "

you sound just like a wayward spouse, who instead of spending efforts fixing the issues in your current marriage, wants to chuck it for some future fantasy relationship.
The biggest problem in your marriage right now, is you, not your husband.

Yes, your husband has a problem with porn. But he's been relatively forthright about it, and he hasnt had any improper relationship with a real woman, physical or otherwise. Plus, he is demostratably willing to improve himself for you.

You should be thanking God, that your problems with your husband are so tiny, compared to 99% of the people who post here.

If you are unwilling to work with your husband to overcome this, then I would suggest that you are not ready for marriage with anyone else, either. A good marriage takes more commitment, strength, and willingness to forgive, than you are currently displaying.

if all you want to do is "move on"(as you put it), until you find the perfect man... be prepared to lead a travelling life, because you'll never find mr. perfect. he doesnt exist.

your "concerns" about your husband turning out to be gay, are completely irrational, unless he'd been looking at gay porn. but if he had, I think you would have mentioned that.

Sorry..I am a little defensive you think.

Here are the links. I posted here and there not knowing quite how to go about it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post3173058

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3172670

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post3173539

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3173406

I have to leave work. I will come back and reply later. Thank you Techie for your honest feedback. That is why I am here.

defensive, is not the word I would use.

I would instead perhaps say,

* shocked
* scared
* hurt
* uncommitted

there are a few others I might have also mentioned, but instead, i think I will just suggest, "calm down, work on your OWN issues (you seem to have a few, to do with insecurity), and see how your husband does over the next few months.

He will need your help.
Choose to show him love, and give him the help that he needs, and you could have a great marriage.

Growing,

Ok lets keep it in one thread. Most of them look like the same background anyway.

Now first and foremost you seem to think your H may be gay? I think step one would be to kinda find that out. If the answer is yes then I would say move on.

If he isn't then I would say make sure you are 100% sure.

One more question do you have any kids? The advice you get here will be different if you have kids.

Sorry guys...I ask for help and then disapear. I did not have access to a computer this weekend.

No kids. If I did I would probably stay and the more I realize and understand about our situation I think it would be a long lonely road.

Techie, please understand that this news of the addiction is new for me and it comes after I have tried very hard to do my part in helping he and the relationship. It is very raw and shows me how deep our problems go. If I sound wayward it is because I have been very committed to something for a long time that was going nowhere but down and I am done, cooked, emotionally divorced. I do understand his needs and no I do not care to meet them anymore. I did that for a long time and look where it got me. The only thing I can say is there was emense growing for me during the process and I did all I could do to keep it from getting to this point.

I don't think he is gay, but I do have fears of it. I never thought the things that are true today would have ever happened but they did. I just can't go there either way. I have no real basis to believe that except what studies show and that does not mean anything on an individual basis. I do not know what he was watching and do not want to.

The reasons for leaving are dishonesty. I cannot trust him again. Not about the porn, but with my life. The entire marriage there was conflicting evidence of truth and the reason for the conflict was his fear of the truth. He was so scared of the truth he would be convinced of the lie himself so he was truly confused about it. I failed to stand up for what I knew was true. I thought I must be crazy that is not what it seems to be. I thought I could and should take his words for face value out of respect for him. Now I know him in a way I did not before and will take actions over words.

I do not feel like he will end it because he is "supposed" to stay married. While I believe firmly in committment, I do not believe in staying where there will be more damage done than good. I do not believe God would want two casualties and a disfunctional family.