H who is 57 (I am 55) OW is 26 is M. Had 5 d-days since April 06 with last one being last week. How many do I live thru before the end? I posted a very long explanation and it did not work, lost all that typing. Just want to post this to see if it works then I will reply with whole story again. I have been lurking for awhile, but have not seen anything like my story yet. Thanks for any help.

mrshfreed--

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

First, about losing your post -- there is a timeout on how long you can leave the post form open. If you have a long-ish post, type it in Word or WordPad or some other text editor then copy and paste it into the post form. That way you won't lose you work.


Have you been lurking just in the forums? If so, you need to "lurk" in the main web site and get familiar with the material there. Plan A, Plan B, LoveBusting, Emotional Needs, etc. There are some very poignant articles and letters from others to Dr. Harley in those sections. They will help you devise a plan to move forward.

When you say 5 D-Days, do you mean he's continued the affair and you've caught him 5 times or he's confessed 5 times or what?

Does the OW's husband know? Who else have you exposed this to so they can help put the squeeze on the affair? Any children that are involved?

If you've been lurking a while, you should expect these questions -- I'm sure they were all in your original post. Sorry it got lost.

Blessings to you, mrshfreed. Keep posting.

Okay now it works, here goes, As I said H is 57 I am 55, OW is 26 and M. This couple were business aquaintances, got to be social frinds, H and OW were just friends, talked on cell phone she began to visit him at job site etc One thing led to another, having A. 1st D-day May 06 H comes home confesses to all my supicions. Promises to me to stop, tells OW had to say that. He became that teenage alien talked about on here. I patinently waited it out, went into MC and IC for both of us. June 06 another D-day, just can't live without each other. Broke off again, she goes to Fl to visit relatives. Her H knows all this too, in fact he and I compare notes. Again promise to stop. We have 2 D'd grown with kids (4 grandsons between them) they have had it with their father too.
Next D-day in early July he tells me and D's he is so sorry wants us, wants family back etc. Meanwhile we are still in MC and IC. Morning of July 10 OW calls H to tell him that she is Pregnant, (preferred method of BC for both my H and hers is withdrawal method. She tells my H her H did not withdraw that Sat nite because they were drinking and smoking pot. Monday moring she tells him she is Pregnant...HMMMM did not know there was such a quick test on the market.....Anyway, next D-day Aug 10 our anniversary, she visits him at job site, he writes her letter (no one has seen this letter) and says it is over, it can't be, it is a disaster, he says she did not say a word just got into her car and left. Came home took me to dinner and gave me diamond braclet. Couple nights later realized he was lying again, woke up and told him to get out. He had panic attack, looks like heart attack, get ambulance, hospital could not find anything wrong with heart, comes home begs for chance, I say okay but we need more help. In Sept we went to New Beginning seminar, based on Dr Harleys principles, then come home and immediately enrolled in Dynamic marriage course for 8 weeks, Things were going very well, we were doing it all right and by the book, I was beginning to love him again, He was being wonderful, Chrismas was fablous, lots of presents for each other and kids, had a wonderful time., Beautiful card from him saying he is striving to be the husband God wants him to be and how I am his angel. Day after Chrismas he begins trying to call OW again. Finally catches up to her and conversations goes like this. Hi, It's me, she says why are you calling me, he says "Why not?" (What the ****** does that mean) and she says do not call me again and hangs up. Calls her H and tells him this, he calls to tell me, confront H and he says "she must really hate me" HELLO what about me? His version is that he needed to hear her say this, he needed closure....(what!! 5 months later after no contact and your letter of Aug 10th ??????) I am done told him to get out, Kids will not talk to him. Of couse he will not go, Needs me, can't live without me, needs me take care of him (like I always have) Wants to do the books again, I have no feelings left. Not first affair, Kept women in Vietnam (****** he sold to other soldiers) then in 1980's he was truck driver and had 2 one night stands because he was lonely ( I am home alone with kids, hey I am lonely too!!) and now this.....where do I go from here? Not sure I wnat to go anywhere. WHY WHY WHY after 5 months into recovery????? Anybody have any answers????

Mrs, why do you think your situation is different? This sounds very typical.

Do you have the Harley books, such as Surviving an Affair? I would get that book and read up the dynamics of affairs and plan to go into Plan B. Plan B will remove you from his sick triangle.

Have you exposed the affair to everyone concerned, such as the OW's parents and any other key targets?

Also, can you please type in paragraphs? It is very hard to read your posts. Welcome to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had to do this myself so I could read it....


well

"why" he does this is because it is something he WANTS to do even though he knows it is wrong and it hurts his wife and family

where is H now?

do you still want to be married to him?

Pep

I am sorry about the format of my post. I think I have the hang of this now.

H and I have been married 37 years.

H is still at home, We are civil to each other but he is sleeping in other bedroom. I have told him he has to leave, however he will not. Lawyer says I cannot MAKE him move out. There is no physical abuse.

He swears A is over this time. He told me last night that he hates OW and realizes she is self centered, spoiled, and manipulating.

Everyone knows, all our friends, Her parents, her college friends, her H. (she is in graduate school, remember she is only 26 but M and pregnant)

H says he wants our M to work and will go back into IC if I want him to. He says he will do anything to help me heal from this. (All the classes and books we have done he says are for me to get over it)
We have read. Love busters, HNHN's, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Did the 5 steps to Romantic Love workbook and did the workbook for the Dymantic Marriage courses.

My IC did not think MC together will help anymore. She thinks he is delusional.

The last 5 months in recovery were going very well, I asked him what needs he thought that I was not meeting that caused him to relapse. He said none, this is not my fault, and I was doing everything right. H still insists that the phone call was for "closure" on his part. I don't believe it, I think it was to see if he could start it up again.

He told me that he thinks OW's H gave her an ultimatium to stop seeing him or she had to get out. I said, I gave you the same ultimatium. No response to that. Every response to anything always involves her and her feelings.

I have read Surviving an Affair. Wanted to go to Plan B, but again he will not move out. I have tried very hard not to LB in this, but firmly keep asking him to leave. He says he will not leave, he will stay until I come to my senses and believe him. He just cannot understand why I will not believe him this time.

I am at my wit's end with him. I am not sure I want to be married to him anymore.

H seems to still be the alien teenager in this. It is like it is 2 seperate worlds, one having nothing to do with the other. He seems to think he can live in both just fine.

Just seems crazy to throw away 37 years and start over at my age. I still love him, have since I was 15 years old. I am so confused and don't know what to do next. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

mrsh,

If you really want this to end....I've got a plan for you.

Your children are grown so you have no custody issues or that you have to worry about.

If you don't have a job.....get one.
If you don't have an attorney....get one. (sounds like you do)
File for legal separation (if they have it in your state) and an accounting/freezing of your assets to protect you. Also apply for temporary spousal support.

Move into a nice apartment, or perhaps one of your daughter's homes. Stop waiting for him to leave.....because as long as he can beg and plead, and you can't MAKE him leave....he will stay.

Go into Plan B where one of the conditions for reconciliation is pyschotherapy for at least six months, antidepressants to help him weather his midlife crisis, and spiritual counseling to raise his consciousness. On top of that....I'd ask for 100 hours of community service to build character and so that he can begin to fully appreciate the things he has enough to respect them.

Put a GPS on his car so that you know if he's staying away from the OW.

Until he does all of those things.....you don't talk to him (or see him) except through a mediator like your attorney.

He takes advantage of you because he CAN. You let him. You are waiting for HIM to protect you....instead of protecting yourself. We teach people how to treat us....what has he learned from you? Well, he's learned that he can treat you like cr*p and you'll stay with him....again and again and again. Serial cheaters like your H feel entitled and the only thing that can possibly humble them is to lose what they really value. He doesn't value himself....or he wouldn't need affairs. He values YOU....but he doesn't know it unless it looks like he'll lose you. His ticker is fine....a panic attack is scary, but now that you know that's what it is....don't let it keep from preserving your own sanity and letting him feel the fear. That's exactly what he needs to feel.

Be strong.

she's right, you know

Pep

PS

don't discuss your plans with H

no threats/ultimatums what-so-ever

you take steps to protect YOU

let your actions speak your mind

and let his actions speak to you ... not his words

Pep