Hi all - New to Dr. H.

My H has X that he likes to talk to - its been more than just friends but no sex, EA likely. X said NC and H said OK.

i checked email and they are still talking - nothing bad really. when asked H says NC at all... LIE

should i continue to watch email secretly (driving me crazy) or confront him and blow my only snooping tool?

other than x marriage is OK

F 38 M8.5 no children

are there children with the first wife...

ark

1st m for me and h. x married twice divorcing 2nd. x has 2 girls

children with the x-wife he is in contact with..

also

is he divorced yet from second wife...
or is divorce in progress

are you two married

x is x GF not wife. 38 Married 8.5 years no children. XGF married 2x's in process of 2nd Divorce.

should i continue to watch email secretly (driving me crazy) or confront him and blow my only snooping tool?

First, how often are the emails and what are they saying to each other? If your husband and his ex have children, it’s virtually impossible to have a completely “No Contact” situation.

Second, before you do anything, how about an evaluation of other red flags a spouse is cheating? Anything on the cell phone bill, instant messaging, late nights at work, late nights on the computer, or unusual trips out of town? Anything?

BTW, brevity is often a virtue, but writing as cryptically as you do isn’t conducive to good communication. Go ahead and use full sentences and fuller explanations. You’re totally anonymous out here – take advantage of it.

I would continue to monitor for awhile...maybe try to expose without blowing your snooping tool...if he ever leaves his email open or something like that...expose then. I don't know that it is horrible he is talking to an x if it is innocent stuff...but the fact he is lieing about it is concerning.

all right...

beyond confronting...

what's the tone like in your house right now..

are you two connecting
enjoying eachoether....

are you rocking his worlds as he rocks yours...

are you cherishing one another


are you the spouse YOU would want to come home to at the end of a day...

if you are concerned that your husband is expending energy and emotion to another person...what are you doing to meet that need for him..

be honest here...

if you are withdrawing with-holding and not getting along...it will feed the cycle of external contact...
can you see that..

so what's it like in tiff's house...and how can we make it better and or GREAT

ARK

This woman is an ex girlfriend from long time ago (20 years) and lives out of town. There are NO children between this woman and my husband and they were never married to each other. They did, however, have an affair while She was married. Her husband moved her out of town to stop the affair and she and her husband had two girls and got divorced. A few years later, she remarried and is divorcing her second husband now.

My husband works an odd shift and has days off a lot while I am working - this is when they email each other - when I am not around.

* This also used to be the time when they would talk on the phone. As far as I know, they have not talked in 11 days. But, he does have access to other phones (work, pay, etc.) and I cannot monitor that unless I am with him 24-7.

Tone in the house… is ok. I am upset because I KNOW he is lying to me about the communication with this woman. Our schedules are “off”. He comes home around 8 and I’ve been home since 5. I like to make him dinner and keep the house neat for when comes home. We meet each other at the door and kiss. He eats and we watch tv (sports), talk about the day. A few times a week, I go out but I don’t go far and there are no men where I go.

I don’t think he’s cheating YET. I believe they have an emotional connection that didn’t die a proper death because of the way her husband took her away from my husband when her husband moved her out of town Suddenly.

if you are concerned that your husband is expending energy and emotion to another person...what are you doing to meet that need for him..

I am doing what I can! He says he likes to talk to her to get a woman’s perspective and he doesn’t want to talk to me because I am the one he trying to get a perspective on!

I have heard their conversations… 10 years ago it was “I too believe we are soul mates” (a letter that she wrote to him), 6 years ago it was “handcuff me” - email (my husband is a police officer and had just gotten the job), six months ago it was “do you think your kids will like me?” (phone call)

THIS IS SERIOUS

Ugh, I hate when they say things like that!



That is some serious fog talk right there.

That is load right there and you have a right to be concerned since they were affair partners in the past. The woman has loose morals since she is a cheater and 2 time divorcee she obviously does not believe in holding to her marriage vows so she will have no problem violating yours.

I would tell him that she cannot help him or give him a perspective on women since all women are not alike and that if he wants perspective on you then the best person to talk to is YOU!

Also, I would say that since she is not a professional MC and obviously hasn't the slightest clue about how to keep a marriage together (since she is about to divorce her SECOND husband) she has no business giving marital advice.

Before you do all of that though, get a key logger so you can keep monitoring his computer activity after you let him know that you have read his email. This relationship is inappropriate and a major threat to your marriage.

thank you. i Know its a load and tell him so and then it gets dropped. i Have told him that i am the one he should be talking to, sharing with, getting through the day with. i have told him that i am the one he should be trying to make feel better - not Her. He is a "pro" and believes and has said "i am the man" to his buddies in the past.

*the real reason i am not so willing to blow my cover*...

she came to town last weekend for a job interview in my school district (residency requirements apply!). she says, in an email to him, that it went well, there is a need for her position and she presented herself well. of course, she hasnt been offered the job yet but it Could happen.

he found out that i knew she was coming to town and that flugged up all plans for a meet and greet to even get off the ground.

while she was here, he said it was a strange and anxiety filled weekend. while she was here, my H and i went out witjh friends the day she arrived, went to dinner with friends then off to bowling... pretty good weekend while she was here.

we have discussed her moving back to the area. i have expressed my concerns and have stated that i go crazy while she is OUT of town - i dont think we could handle her living in the same neighborhood. to this he says, we are not communicating, i havent heard from her, i dont know how the interview went. he also says, it is NOT a good idea to find out if she lives in the same neighborhood because that will just stress me out. i think it is better to know that she is or isnt here so we can work on the "issue".

This is bad, very bad.

You have to try your very best to put the brakes on this because she has every intention of starting up an PA with your husband.

How can you stop it w/o confronting and exposing?

If you don't confront and expose, and just keep talking he will just keep playing his game.

Now, if you confront and expose, then there is at least a chance of stopping this EA and preventing a PA.

I say confront and expose everything immediately.

ok - so i tell him that i know they have been communicating and that he is lying to me... then what?

This entire post has big red flag written all over it.

You realize that this is already an EA and they are trying to find a way to seal the deal ASAP?

I think you have enough evidence to go on, unless you are waiting to catch him with his pants down.

I would put a stop to it if I could.

Let him know you know, anything to stop her from coming to town. I would contact her and let her know that I KNOW what has been going on and what she is planning to do. Let her know that you mean business and that she will regret it if she takes that job and moves to your town.

You plan A him but at the same time set the boundary. He has the right to be with whoever he wants to be with but not at the same time that he is married to you!

If you want your marriage to work this "friendship" must end. Do you have anyone that you can expose to? His family, friends? If it is so innocent then he should have no problem with having all of the (sordid) details of his little friendship exposed for all to see and know about.

He is making you a collaborater in this nonsense by invalidating your feelings and silencing you. Exposure is your friend and unless he is physically abusing you do not fear his anger.

He wants you to be fearful and quiet so that he can do his dirt w/o interference from you. Silence is his weapon, silencing you and giving you silence when you try to talk about it.

Totally disregard him trying to make you NOT find out where she lives if she moves to town. I bet he will know and be over there before the first week is over, while you are at work at that. Those two are in the process of setting up a love nest and you need to do your best to stop it right now.

i think i have to wait then... i think i need to know for sure whether or not she is coming. i can confront her at that time before she accepts the job. and i can confront my h about a nc. if she doesnt get the job, i can confront him about the lying.

good plan or bad plan?

I would work on getting the same working hours as your husband. Sounds like he simply has too much time alone. If it isn't this old GF, it would be someone else.

yeah, thats kind of impossible. i am a secretary and generally my line of work is an 8 hour day where he is a police officer and generally works 12 hours days.

happy to say that this is the only old gf that gives me grief. i am not kidding and i am not kidding myself; she really is the one.