It could be the kind of AD he is taking too. Not all have the same side effects. Do you think he would go see his doctor? I recommend you try to forget about the A for the moment and try to help him the best you can.

I didn't mean to imply that it wasn't related to the ADs. They really messed up my libido when I took them.

I think it's related to the ADs and to his guilt over OW. We do use the little blue pill occasionally, and probably will on and off for awhile. He stopped the ADs a few days ago and seems to be settling down.

We're off to Tennessee (to look at property) for a few days next week; I think the break will do us good.

M4L: thank you for sharing your experience with me. For the most part, I don't blame myself anymore. I did, however, have a moment and broke down crying in the middle of an attempt and told him that I thought he wouldn't have the problem with OW. He reassured me and said he was with ME not her and that's where he chooses to be.

Pio: as always thanks for the input about forgetting about the A for a while. I did ask him to take charge of our recovery, so we could do it in a way that was effective for him this time.

Ok, am I just being impatient now. WH agreed to lead our recovery...and nothing's happened! Am I expecting too much too soon, or am I just letting him sweep this under the carpet?

We were talking last night and discussing middle names. I mentioned someone who'd given his daughters the same middle names; it happens to be OWs middle name. The convo triggered us both into thinking about her. Yuk!

I can't wait for the day when neither of us thinks about her; who will stop it first, I wonder?

Is that a rhetorical question? You already know the answer. Why ask?

What tools does your WH have to lead recovery? Why have you left this to him? Is he familiar with MB?

BIO,

BigK has touched on a point that bothered me when I first read your comment. I'm not sure where that idea came from but it didn't really seem to make much sense. If you are willing to let someone else lead, then you had better be prepared to go where they decide to take you. If you want to take a different road, you chose the wrong leader.

Post deleted by BringItOn

I do have to say that WH is a man of action. He has manned up and quit his job to get away from her, sent NC letter, we plan on moving. I know that's a tremendous amount of stuff to show how committed he is to recovery; I just don't feel that the underlying issue (his vulnerability to admiring little blonds) is being addressed.

I told WH I loved him and he asked if I loved him even though he was a liar and cheater. I said that he WAS a liar and cheater before he manned up. I asked if he planned to do it again...he said he didn't plan it the first time.

I told him later on that I realized that he didn't plan his affair, but that WE didn't plan on how NOT to have one. I told him I felt that we needed to make a plan to prevent re-occurance. He said he thought we were doing that by his quitting and us moving. I said that would help with the current situation, but still left him vulnerable for more. I gave the example of how an innocent sounding conversation between two people should raise red flags. Here's the example I gave him:

I have a good friend whose husband died unexpectedly a few years ago. I told WH that if she were to come up to him and say how lonely she was, that should raise a red flag and has crossed the line. BTW, my friend wouldn't do that to us.

We have the resources available and even went through HN/HN together last summmer, but he was WAAAAAYYY fogged out. I'd like to go though it again, but I'd also like HIM to bring something to the table.

Do I tell him that I love him but not in love with him? that I only feel glimses of that any more? The year of deceit has taken its toll.

No, there's not another man, unless you count my faith in JC.

BIO,
Can you and FWH do counseling with Steve or Jennifer? They can get you started on recovery and also help your FWH understand that your being IN LOVE with him is in fact conditional and it is up to HIM to create that feeling of love in you. As Steve has said to me, "You cannot fall in love with nothing, WW has to give you something to love." Having Steve help with this message will also allow it to not come as a love buster from you, because no matter how you slice it, and even if you WH totally deserves that message, it will feel like a LB to him.

Thanks GF,

I'll see if he's interested in that. We did do counselling last yr, but he was seeing OW the whole time. I won't do it if he's dragging his feet again.

Today is the 1 yr anniversary of Dday 1; why don't I feel it? Does Dday 2 erase dday 1?

I know that since Dday 1, I'm a lot stronger than I was a year ago. I know I can do it on my own. My H and Marriage haven't grown very much...we're pretty much stagnated in "withdrawal" I think. My Love Bank is pretty low right now and I have to fight myself not to LB.

At what point do you just let it out...if ever?

I think that Dday 2 may have cancelled out any momentum you felt after Dday 1.

I am so glad you know are stronger personally. It's such a struggle because we, the BS, have to wait for our WS to be willing to work on the M. Otherwise, it's like trying to clap with one hand.

But, as you found out, you can make yourself better and stronger. Maybe that's what you can do with this Dday1 anniversary, make a list of all the ways you have grown and the things you have learned about yourself.

My IC told me I'd know when it was time to let go. It's been a process, but I've let my WH be God's prodigal and I am working on not being the older son.

My Dday anniversay will be the last day of my chemo treatment. That's ironic isn't it?

JT,

Thanks for your reply.

How are you feeling? What happens after the last day of Chemo? Will you be done for a while?

BIO

Thanks for asking. My chemo was preventative so the hope is that I will never have to do it again, nor have breast cancer again.

My tumor was small (phase 1)and hadn't spread to my lymph nodes-but it was invasive and had moved outside of the area it developed in. So, just in case one of those rogue cells decided to take a trip to another part of my body, we've been doing chemo.

My dad (retired dr. and cancer survivor) said that just taking the tumor out probably gave me a 90% chance of it never coming back. Chemo ups those numbers another 30%.

Mostly I'm tired. But, spring is coming-both figuratively and literally.

The week after chemo my girls and I are going to a nice waterfront hotel for a spa night and girl time. My DS18 will be home from college in May and I'll training for the Danskin Triathlon in Aug with a dear friend in the survivor group.

I've done it before with my DD21 and my twin's oldest daughter. This time I'll do it to celebrate my recovery from all of this.

Thanks again for asking. It's nice to have good news to report.

Wow,

Your strength is incredible. What holds you up through this?

I need help with Plan B. Specifically:

Are you supposed to get a LSA?

I'm a SAHM, how does support work?

I'm working on a letter and will post for help soon.