Any of you 1 month, 6 months, 2 years...past divorce have any kind words or inspiring stories about how it gets better.


I feel like the OW wanted my life. And now she has it!
And I'm left picking up scraps.

{{{mcm137}}}

I've been divorced since July, though my ex has been living with the OW since April '05. I guess that's when my marriage was really over, when he first moved in with her.


I know how you feel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

In a way, yes - she has taken your life. But what has she got? A cheater. Congratulations to her - she will never be able to trust him, nor will he be able to trust her - how can you build a future based on lies and the betrayal of others?

It is getting better for me. When my ex first left I felt that my reason for living had gone. I am very far past that way of thinking now. I live for myself, and for my children. Nothing else matters to me.

I've read several places that healing tends to take about two years for most people. I think I'm on track for that - come April, two years on from when Noddy left, I know I will be there.

You need to be kind to yourself, and give yourself time. Keep posting here for support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

It does get better. I was married 19 years and am over 2 years out since I filed. It has been a struggle emotionally for sure but I made it this far. And most importantly, I am much, much better than 2 years ago.

You are on a journey so make the best of it. Go to divorce support groups, therapy, exercise, rent some good movies... There are lots of things you can do to heal.

Personally, I have grown so much stronger in the last 2 years emotionally. I CAN be alone and it isn't that bad. I don't need a relationship to be happy. I rode my bike over 3000 miles last year. I am riding it solo this year from Wyoming back to Wisconsin. I now help people in my divorce support group rather than them helping me. I have found I can do anything I set my mind to.

What do you think mcm??? Are you up to the challenge? I know you can do this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keith

PS. Read some of my old posts from 2005 and you will see what a pitiful mess I was. OMG, I am embarrassed to read them! So, yes, it does get better.

Most of us didn't want to be in this place, but found we are stronger for the experience.
I highly suggest divorce support groups, which can help with the emotional, and also the social aspects. Not a dating service, but friends with whom to go out, and enjoy their company since the have been in the same boat.

You are young and have a lifetime ahead of you. And you will have a better life than you ever imagined. Really.

mcm137,

My divorce was final September 5th 2006. So I am approaching 5 months.

My hearing was brutal and I needed some pep talking as well. I went back into therapy the following week and not talking to anyone for several days. I am still in therapy going to see her about twice a month. I suggest forming or finalizing your support systen - family, close friends, therapist, etc and sticking with the tight inner circle.

Although I am dating someone I don't recommend you dating unless you are sure you are ready. Being by yourself on a Saturday night isn't the worst thing in the world. TBH, some of my best times away from my daughter during the past five months have been in my underwear watching football. Take advantage of that.

Put yourself first, now is the time for that. My ex emotionally and physically abandoned our relationship three years before I left in January of 2006. You may have NO IDEA what you want right now, but you should have an idea of what YOU DON"T want.

Dive into hobbies, interests, whatever you like and have some selfish moments here and there. Don't let anyone determine your worth and don't let anyone's judgements rule you.

Good luck. email me if you want, I don't mind talking to kindred spirits

thomaslburson@yahoo.com

I will eccho what Gekko said. My divorce was final
Oct 4, '06. Worst year ever.

I will tell you this: This month has been better than the last one, and the last month was better than the one before that, and so on. Eac month is getting better, but it takes work! If you work at it and at yourself, you will recover.

First, I recommend a book by Dr. Bruce Fisher (deceased) called "What to do when your love Relationship Ends." He likens recovery as similar to climbing a mountain. It's a journey. Don't rush it. Avoid mistakes and pitfalls others have made traveling the same path (rebound relationships, unwilling to grow as an individual are examples).

There will be times when you grieve (I still grieve occasionally -- it was a big loss). You may get angry, feel lost and rudderless at times. Those are natural feelings. Acknowledge them (even if it is to a journal).

I found I went through a period where I didn't want to go out or do anything. Eventually something clicked in my mind, and I got tired of hanging around the house by myself when I didn't have the kids. I picked up a hobby to get me out of the house. That hobby, plus working out, plus eating right, plus focussing on the kids when I have them and also on my work is helping me heal.

I will say for two full weeks this month, I didn't feel any anger toward my X. I felt "normal" and jovial for the first time in months.

I could ramble on forever, but recovery will take time. I say, enjoy the journey. Take it one day at a time (cliche, yes, but true).

HL

Please every one RAMBLE On!

These are the inspiring words/truths that make the pain meaningful. And I think we have all come to a decision to embrace it and grow from it. Why else would we still be here, logging in, reaching out, examining ourselves???

Thanks. Keep'm coming.

Rudderless - Perfect Metaphor!

I felt the same way when I first found out about the affair. We had serious problems for the whole of our marriage, but I wasnt raised to even consider a divorce so I struggled through till things got so bad my life was at stake. I felt like My X was trying to relive his youth (OW was 20 years younger), she looked a little like me when I was young.

She had a child who now attends the same schools that my 4 children all attended. and EX was claiming that he had changed, given up all drugs and alcohol..yeah like he could give it up for her, but not his long time wife who stood by him through crisis after crisis and couldnt give it up so our 4 children could have a much more stable home (well, that didnt last long anyway)

So, I felt like she had my life even though I knew I was much better off, it still was depressing. I had to start over from nothing. I dropped out of college to earn money to help pay his legal bills for his first drug arrest. Circumstances prevented me from returning to college and I became very depressed as I became more and more abused and his more and more drug/alcohol problems.

Towards the end, I knew without a doubt that my nmarriage was over, or I would die. While my X was in detox again, I went and enrolled in college to get the background courses to get me into the medical program that I had wanted to persue so many years ago. We were divorced and I was accepted into the very competitive program. I will now graduate in May!

Things will get better, I havent been here for quite some time as I have been at clinical during the day, and studying by night. I havent read your other posts. I hope that you are trusting God to see you through this. He is the best help you can receive anywhere. We here are also a good support, but we cant match God, so trust him and give all your cares to him. He can see the big picture abd knows where all the puzzle pieces go.

I included a link from one of my previous posts, Please feel free to go back and read my other ones. It has been a long journey for me, Hard at times, but also wonderful. I am so much stronger than I was at the start of this. I am a survivor. You can see by my member # that I have been here a long time. Even longer than that because I changed my screen name at the beginning because of OW.

Take care, there are many of us here with similar stories, and many of us who at first didnt know how we would make it. But we did!!! and you will too.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=011588;p=0

Smiles,
Dawn

i feel for you...
i am the one dating gekko, so i hear where he is coming from.
my ex was a serial cheater the last 3 years of our marriage. i was extremely damaged by that. EXTREMELY. by the time divorce stuff came around for me, i was ready, so ready. i felt more bittersweet when we signed legal sep papers because i pretty much did those up right away after i had him him. divorce for me? the final ending to a very, the most painful time in my life.

it took me some time to heal. i made some stupid mistakes in the beginning, went through my phases, etc. was not really ready to start dating someone on a continual basis until gekko came along. i found the first few men i dated casually and tried to get to know i picked apart. the red flags popped up everywhere and it sure takes time to trust after we have been so damaged by affairs. i trust gekko, but i also am quick to tell him if something he says or does bothers me. i did not do that in my marriage for fear of rocking the boat. i swept everything under the rug and hoped it would go away. gekko and i decided early on we would never do that. radical honesty all the time is what we have. it's scary sometimes because i do sometimes feel like "well, if i tell him that him talking to her made me uncomfortable, or him still being friends with this female makes me uncomfortable, will it make him go away?" but, you have to be honest. i kept a lot inside during my marriage and it caused a lot of resentments later on. what i am trying to say is, i am being very careful to do things right this time around. anytime gekko and i have talked fully honestly, and that is me with him or him with me, it has never turned out bad. we have always worked through it and either saw the other's side or were able to come up with a compromise.
it is called taking care of you and not thinking your feelings are not worth talking about because they are! if you are feeling them they are important.

take the best care of YOU that you can, be selfish for a while, and don't ever get lost in someone else. don't ever forget who you are and your worth. i had to learn that because my ex really damaged me and my worth by all the affairs he had. i take really good care of myself now and i feel i have turned a complete negative,a failed marriage, into a complete positive. i went back to school, i take care of me,i lost weight, quit smoking, started a business, got into a career i had always wanted to be in, etc... all things my ex never supported me doing.

you will get through this and come out on the other side a much different person, a better person, a stronger person. take this time to really examine you and what you want and need and settle for nothing less!

mlhb

See now that's what I call inspiration.
You can't write better romance.
thanx

thank you! write better romance? well.... lol
a new relationship, and i am not talking casual, i am talking when you find someone you can definitely see yourself with forever, is scary! you so don't want to repeat past mistakes, you so don't want to go without your needs being met because you went soooo long with them NOT being met before, you so don't want to rock the boat, you so don't want to not be meeting the other person's needs. good lord that is a lot to think about! that is why gekko posted about really being ready. were either one of us ready when we kind of dropped into eachother's lives unexpectedly? who knows! i think i was further along that healing process then he was and we have kind of worked through that together. we were really just friends for a while first. just talked and such.
just really take your time in this dept and find yourself first before diving into that dating pool.

i know i shed many tears for mistakes i made in the beginning, so did gekko, so did many of us. i can't reiterate enuff to just really find yourself first.

i used my marriage ending as an adventure. what i mean by that is that i was 34 years old, and i could now start completely over and become exactly who i always wanted to be (thus my sig line!) everything i am doing now are things my ex NEVER supported me in doing. and i am so happy now! i was very unhappy for a very long time in my marriage not just because of the affairs but because he was never ever supportive of my goals and dreams and aspirations. so i trudged along through life just being mediocre. I HATE MEDIOCRE! i hate when people do not live up to their full potential. and that is how i feel i was forced to live.

now, i am living large,in my opinion anyway. i love this business i have started (arbonne) and i am working very hard at being successful at it. i always wanted to be a teacher. now i direct an afterschool program and am taking classes to get my ny state teacher assistant certification. i go to church regularly, something my ex would not do, and get involved in church and school and community. my marriage ending opened up a whole new world for me.

it may not seem like that right now, but it will open up a whole new world for you as well. it is all what you make of it. turn your negative into a complete and utter positive. the best revenge against our low life exes??? LIVING WELL!!! BEING HAPPY!! BEING IN A GOOD AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! BEING A SUCCESS. i don't do it to drive my ex nuts, but the fact that it does, is just an added bonus ;-)

hugs,
mlhb

oh, and so you know my time frames..
ex moved out (well, i told him to get his sorry butt out) july 12, 2005
legal sep signed nov of 2005
all court hearings done december of 06.

mlhb

Hi {{mcm}},

I think all of our stories are very similar.I have been D'd months now but had been going through a long,drawn out division over a few years so when the D actually came,it was really no big deal to me.I was expecting it,prepared for it and wanted it.

I am SO glad not to be married to the person I was before.Ex is still with and living with the homewrecking OW and she did covet everything she could get her hands on: ex,IL's family,my kids,my life as a wife (they aren't married yet but I know it's coming) and the last things left are my house and dog and over my dead body will she get those too.lol

Anyway,yes she got my ex but he was no prize.He cheated and lied and is very selfish and leads a life now I don't even recognize.She can now put up with his 12 hour work days and all that hassle.I am FREE!!!!! Remember,OW may now be with your ex but the truth is most of those unions don't last and even if they do look at how they started.I would never,ever trade being who I am today with being an OW or being a cheater who never made ammends,etc.

Life definitely gets better.You have been badly traumatized.It does take time to heal and you will.You won't forget but you can lead a normal and happy life again.And like other's,I am really enjoying being on my own now and rediscovering ME.Not the wife,mother or daughter but the ME I was long ago with desires,dreams and a happiness I want again,with or without a man,long before I was even married.You CAN have that.Splurge on you right now and take good care of yourself.That is a start.

mcm,

hardlesson mentioned getting to a point where you feel no bittnerness towards your ex, i reached that level a month or so after our hearing in Sept. That point is like climbing Mt. Everest. You are out of oxygen, a little frostbit, but temporarily exhilarated.

mlhb is great but she knows my daughter comes first and I come second. today, one of my clos friends, who's married and pregnant, had a bad day/week and said "I realized that I can't handle all this stress alone". This is something I said back in April when I first went to a therapist. Now is the time for you to use your support system and work on yourself.

Make a list of things you'd like to accomplish and start achieving the list. The list could be a benign as, yardwork and working out or as adventurous as going to Europe and racing a sports car. But start doing thinsg for yourself and don't worry about the past.

Good luck

I do need to do this things.
Last night I got so lost in my misery.
X & In Laws actually had a divorce party with OW (with my kids there). They got smashed and she stayed the weekend. My heart broke all over again. I can acknowledge the power that gives them but it's a hard time for me.

It's 1 step forward 2 steps back.
teary
mcm

now THAT is messed up. i hope you realize how messed up that really really is.

i am sorry for your pain. live well, be a success. take care of you. seek counseling if you feel the need. a lot of us did. i did it for well over a year. made a huge difference.

mlhb

Messed up is an understatement. That was cold and classless and lower than a slugs belly.

Keep telling yourself that you don't deserve that kind of treatment.

Seek help, lean on your safety net. Educate yourself. Treat yourself. Better yourself.

HL

My marriage starting going downhill fast 05-2006. XW filed for divorce in early 11-06,, I moved out of the house 3-days after she announced that she had filed, divorce was final 12-19-2006, received divorce paperwork and closed on a new house on 12-28-2006. Moved into the new house on 01-13-2006. Have a DD13 that we share custody of. I moved the last of things out this past Saturday and into the new house. Other than tools, I've started the new house contents from scratch. I finally got furniture last week.

I've processed every emotion in the book since the official announcement. I was living with an friend and bascically had no responsibilities. I hit a lot of bars. I have been going to a therapist for many months and have been on ADs (Lexapro 10mg daily) for the same time frame. The ADs have helped tremendously.

I had two really big emotional moments lately, one when the concept of the divorce being final set in, and two being the first week alone in my house. I have never really lived by myself and doing so has required some huge adjustments.

I don't hate the XW anymore and we remain mostly friendly. Some interactions with her are better than others.

Keeping yourself busy will assist you in your own recovery. I find that furnishing, decorating, and maintaining a home keeps me pretty occupied. I have become responsible again.

Divorce has made me a stronger and better person, in some ways ironically like the XW wanted me to become. It is a very painful way to grow.

Things will get better. Take it one day at a time. Do the things you always wanted to do. Grow as a person and let yourself heal. Good luck!

mcm - take the high road and don't travel off of it.

My friends asked me if they wanted to have a party for me after the divorce and I told them that was highly inapproriate.

This should cement the thoght that you've done the right thing.

It will take time and perhaps talking to someone like a pro to get through this hurt. I am so sorry for you for this, but trust me I know the feeling.

Godspeed

mcm,

So they had a divorce party huh... Well, ask yourself if this is something you can control??? You can't control it... And over time you will accept the fact that you can't control the actions of your WS his OW or your in laws. Most of us have been down similiar paths. My WW moved a block away and I could see her boyfriends vehicle from the house we raised our children in. I came to the conclusion there was nothing I could do about it.

But you can control how you react to this terrible time of your life. Seek counseling, support groups, exercise as much as you can, eat good food, do everything positive that you can.

I know you are going through a tough time right now but it does get better. I promise it gets better....

Keith