<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> What a way to set an example for the kids.They are wacked.But then,OP and WS's are wacked and only think of themselves.A lot of IL's go along with the pathetic scenario because they want to see their children ( adults) "happy".puke.

I know that was hard for you to endure.But all the same, in time you will realize it ranks right up there with the actual A itself.Purely a selfish,warped,revolting and destructive thing to do.

Don't cry too long over them.They don't deserve it.Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and do something nice for yourself.

What a terrible example to set your children - I can't imagine what your ILs were thinking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I suggest that you book yourself a pamper day - hair, facial, nails, clothes shopping. Make yourself look and feel great. Then take yourself out with some friends for a movie or a meal.

I don't know how well you got on with your ILs whilst you were married, but for now FURGETTABOUTEM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

See the betrayal I felt in hearing about them celebrating our Divorce was -- it was as if I was dead...And they were happy!

I really invested myself whole heartedily into my relationship with my IL's (which was work at times!).

It's almost a week since the big PARTY and the gut wrenching pain is gone. I am disappointed in them as people who serve as role models for my children. But that too is beyond my control. Hopefully their behavior won't encourage my children to develop a flexible moral code.

I have spent the last few days staying with various family members (in Maryland). Doing nothing special but restorative care. I feel a lot more like myself than I do when I am all alone. We moved to NJ a year ago w/WH to be closer to his family and were still settling in. I hope to sell the house and get back to my home state soon!

You've heard it all b4 but $$ is so tight right now. It is a hard pill to swallow to see that we'll go from having a comfortable life/house to a less than exciting transitional rental.

Any tips on what obstacles I will face next???

well, here is more of my 2 cents worth...

we went from a double income (well, i was in school full time and only working part time, my ex and i split the bills, like he paid mortgage and his car, etc...and i had bills i paid). when he left (with my boot in his a** to help him out the door) he took with him his 50 plus thousand a year paycheck. trust me when i say, i understand living tightly.

however, after the initial financial shock wore off i did a few things. first of all i re-evaluated what was important. thankfully i got to keep the marital home, BUT, if we had had to move, that would have been ok. what mattered is that i had my children and home equals where your family is, no matter where that might be.

next i said, ok, do i need a cell phone AND a home phone? nope i did not. so, kept the cell, got rid of the home phone as the cell was cheaper. ditched satellite tv and got cable to watch and for the computer, it was cheaper. the dollar store and walmart became my new best friends for food and necessities. and you know what? we never go without. you learn to budget on a shoe string. and, most importantly, i put all of my issues, my finances, everything, into god's hands. and again, you know what? he takes care of everything! we NEVER go without, we usually have more than enuff! and between my job, which is part time, and my business, and my support, we have more than enuff. i sub too here and there and i am still taking classes towards my degree.

i think if you can move to where your family is that would be great. can you move your kids out of state without issue?
your family will be a great support system for you. you learn to adjust, and you will be happier for it. we live on less than we did when i was married, but that is ok. i am happy, i have my kids, i have my self esteem back! and i learned not to depend on material things to make me happy.

as far as the IL's. they are out of your control as you said. mine, we were always very close. they were very pro marriage and begged me to stick it out with my ex even after he had SEVERAL affairs. i chose not to. i have not spoken to them in some time. i know they are severely disappointed in their son, but they are also very forgiving and he is very manipulative. he can tell them over and over how sorry he is for what he did in our marriage and not mean a word of it but they would believe he did mean it and they would forgive him. and i imagine they have forgiven ow as well for what she did and how she destroyed her own marriage. i am not saying they welcomed her with open arms but i believe they are accepting the situation. they are not my family anymore. that is ok. i was not perfect in our marriage but it is his blood that caused all this disgusting pain and his flesh and blood that had numerous affairs. he is their problem and not mine and THANK YOU GOD FOR THAT!

keep posting and doing what you are doing. take care of you, get to your support system, learn to realize living on less is ok, and probably not forever. the important thing is you will be with your kids. you can fix any place up to feel like home ya know?

we are here for you
mlhb

{{{Warmest Huggs}}}

OUCH!!!!

Condolences!!!

Take a deep breath. Embrace yourself like a tight clean bandage. Breathe.

I know you already know all of this....it's re-inforcement of all you truly know deeep down trapped inside of you.

DV is winding. The after shock of this false relationship and false security has come to halt. The BIG FARCE is over-shapes into another FARCE when one has kids to raise.

The "marriage" can no longer be used as typical wornout standy EXCUSE blog.

The next unsettling phase can be a different type of a travesty cycle. Takes on a different form, can be rocky/unbalancing. Comes with it's own set of bumps,climbs, reclines. And you start all over again.

I hope in time you will able to RE-TRUST, RE-FEEL, RE-CONNECT and believe again in your own truths and be able to RE-TAP, RE-FILL, in your own special reserve of wellness...It's all down there.

You might have to do some personal digging to find your fresh water springs but you are WORTH IT. Hazzards/damage control of being attached to a person who does so much HARM.

You did your very, very best. He did not. Sad Minus...

You deserve better. You did your part. Plus/Kudos/High5....

You have re-gained your respect and dignity.Plus positive side. You have yes, made your shares of blunders as we humans all do. Your life becomes your own, therefore it's correctable& re-doable. You will have less regrets.

He chose differently, from you. Behaved badly, will continue too chase cheap tinsel. He lost his way which has nothing to do with you...This too, is a big reward bonus.

Your former spouse has lost his self respect,dignity, WIFE, partner, true friend wife You. Family and a bright future.

If you reversed shoes NOW what a depressing STRESSFUL life legacy to live with...

Living in the shoes of the waywards isn't nice. Usually meaner/nastier to the next party. Seems like for awhile, few perks involved, lots of peacock feather fanning. But not nice.

Your xwh will be at war/odds with himself for along time. Without "audit" himself will continue to make wronge foolish delusions choices.L.

Remember You are not his cause of failures, or "the" orginator of his problems or personal daycare provider anylonger.

It's about Him, his bad choices/character flaws& selfishness. He stands alone in his "toxic circle" of the arena his own doings/deceit/demise...

He tossed/lost his COMPASS or it spins counterclock wise confusion. You did not. You held on. your compass is working, spinning in the right direction, will glide you through this ordeal to a more harmonious do-able style of life!

Sorry to repeat but normal, healthy, sane people do not operate this way.

If you were able to look into his inner world. He lost his real authentic true blue manhood & legacy. He must live Doubtful he can re-deem himself on his own without outside interventions they seldem ever do...

Sad Fact of the NOW REALITY of his doing/choosing.

You regain your compass/composure& real chance to re-structure of life again. Takes time.Based/built on re-modeling on goodness, beauty, a super foundation of solid values of truth of your choosing and SELECTION. BIG PLUS.

You have learned, like many of us all here have grown, weary, exxhaused and drained. Yet wiser, more informed and better for it. You are apart of the human fabric here.

A deeper learning process sets in with meaning/compassionate purpose of a struggle/striving for a better reality/life for ourselves/kids, and next generation.

You chose Life/A brighter future of quality. Congratulations for standing up stopping a negative cycle!!!

I have learned that life is not always fair, pleasant, perdicatable, reasonable. And there is still so much denial/dsyfunction all around to weed through and around.

Some people seem rewarded with constant " get out of jail passes" in life get away with much. They often play the victim hand, but seldom get the real ma coy "get out of h*ll reality passes." Life for them isn't that great.

You advance and now have ownership rights to these "two passes" if you choose they belong to you. You own your own set of strings.

Super bonus plus points for you. The air/quality of life is so much better.

NOW the FOCUS SHIFT is all about YOU. You choose to gain honor, life, your life back and your precious family values.

Takes two to tango but three to break the dance.

Your xh let go of your hand along time ago.. Dancing the Super Ego is a lonely miserable dance pattern.Partners come and go... No lasting happiness...The chasm/voids deepens like a canyon.

In TIME with good recovery work, support and healing.

You Will recover your own natural dance step with yourself/kids/life. Be re-attuned & re-attached to yourself, children & life. More room to develop ties/bonds with People who truly love, respect and honor you! BONUS PLUS POINTS....

False love, is not good or REAL. It's yucky...

We learn the hard way some people are not nice and good.
These types of people sadly come attached with to many negative strings attached.

Deflative state to live in is a sinking way to live. No good comes from it.

We learn hopefully not to attach on to those spinning illusions attachments that say alot but cannot SHOW real love, kindness, or respect for to long..

Or if we do make some knee jerk attachments, many try to disconnect sooner. We can learn from our mistakes, misguided ideals,setbacks, reset the clock, and do grow from our naivette/gulliabilty...

Please do HONOR and RESPECT you/your wounds, scars and grief. You worked so hard to earn them by doing the right things. They show real bravery, courage, and produce understanding. They are good scars to have.

Hopefully you will begin a FORGIVE process for yourself. He failed and that's that. It sucks.

De "fizzing" takes time.

My xws entangled himself in numerous affairs. His long cords of numerous bad habits started long before me. He chose his chains to be a victim of blaming everyone. He earned his insanity and models it everyday very well.

Back to you, your xh courted his own destruction, though be it was his misguided course he charted out as marital/family destination.

You are chosing to be an adult sanity/life. This is very good. And all good.

DV is the least cruelist midlife correction that shifts many of us into more peace and safety zones.

I now barely raise my eyebrows at my xh latest live in. I don't care it's simply doesn't matter to me. I do pray for much more for the poor woman/child he is currently with. They are truly tragic victims and I pity them.

H20-Water seeks it's own level.

In time you will be able to "WAVE GOOD BYE to the mistake.
You are not his parent. Nor an "addiction center/s".

No one has the personal power to "UNDO" mistakes choices of another-cleanup of another mistakes unfortunately can be a whole other ballgame. This part sucks. We have fragile shoulders. We are human.

You will mend and blend with time. You will be able to put the terrible experince behind you in your rear view mirror.

And possibly positively pray good will for him to find the rightway and path again.

You will come through this wiser, maturer and have learned invaluable lessons. You are now the top priority as you should have been along. He failed. His lossssss in myraid ways built in sand.

This is for the best in the long run!To perserve your SANITY and well being. You have the RIGHT to be happy, be SAFE environment and treated with RESPECT.

You are securely, safely walled in here by scores of people who have been there, had our hearts,lives,dreams dashed. They are all personal special gifts to you to unfold and treasure at your personal choosing. Soak in alot or little.

Folks here do truly wish you well, offer goodness and support to cheer you on all your up/down bloogy, foggy days ahead with all the best well meaning best intentions.

The sun in your personal world, will shine again, skies will be blueer/truer/-for you even prettier blue.

Now there will be more positive energy to reclaim your self.

Tuggs/Huggs. Holding your hand.Teddybears, flowers, balloons&loads of kleenex.

PEACE be with you NOW. You will Blossom!

Apart from the excellent support here. Here are a few other option upbeat Divorce Resourse site for Women.

Hope it helps "lift" your spirits jist a little bit.

www.sassypinkpeppers.com/links.asp

www.divorcecare.com