Hey guys and gals, I posted this in the EN section but I know alot more people are here so I thought I would post here also.

I've posted a while ago about my wife using toys for her pleasure while I am frustrated w/ the lack of SF in our relationship. Well it is happening again (I don't believe it ever stopped).

We have been married for 11 years on Saturday and throughout the marriage SF has been my main EN. That being said the SF has become less and less thorughout the marriage. From once a week to now probably once every month or two. I would like it 2-3 times a week.

Anyway back to the topic. We have a "toy" drawer beside the bed and due to actions (by her) in the past I tend to keep tabs on the location of items in the drawer. Over the past couple of months I have noticed that they have been moved several times. At one point in time I believe I caught her in the act. I did not see the toy but her actions and jitterness when I entered the room I could tell she was doing something. I did not question her at the time. Later that night I did ask and she flew off the handle about how I dare I keep thinking that she would do that and she is tired of getting accused of using them. She even when as far as to say that she would just throw them all away. Needless to say I backed off told her it was rediculus to thow them away and left it at that.

Well since then I have noticed more activity. A good bit in the past 2 weeks. We have not had SF since the begining of the year (at that time I was asked to make it quicker so I just stopped). I noticed two times last week. So I decided to get a recorder and see exactly what was going on (got the recorder Monday night). Well just as I thought. Got her recorded Tuesday and Thursday. On Thursday she even put in a Porno.

My question is do I confront her about it now or do I continue to tape and make sure that there is not another person involved. As far as it goes now I have not been able to find any evidence of another person but I just want to make sure and not let her know that I am recording her right now.

What would you do in this situation?

Sorry for the long post.

Thank in advance.

Well, she asked you to make it quicker. Did you try that?

It had only been about 5 min or so and that was the 1st time in a month that we had had SF. I also believe we would not have had it that night if it was not by birthday.

my advice- make sure there is no other person involved and then when you do confront her, be GENTLE.

i highly doubt this is about you pbw. i understand it must hurt you but try to tell yourself, she has a problem. yes, this problem impacts you in a very sensitive way but try to take yourself out of the equation. something is not right with her inside to cause her to act this way.

be supportive and try to help her figure it all out, without of course stating "there's something wrong with you"

sound easy???

You had better be sure that there is no OM.

My EX WW's sex drive began to dwindle (never really compared to mine to begin with, but I lived with it), BUT I started noticing a wand vibrator that we kept by the bed for massages and such (back, neck, etc)being plugged into the electrical socket a lot and the lamp that normally was plugged in there unplugged. Now looking back and with the gift of hindsight this all started when her A started. Of course her sex drive picked up because she needed to convince OM that he was special. I also believe (given the phone calls, times, and length of calls) that she was having phone sex with him when I was out of town on business.

Snoop!

thanks for the replies,

I'm not really mad just very upset and dissapointed. I knew what she was doing just had no proof. Now that I have a bit of proof I just want to make sure that I have all the information possible.

Our sex life has never been on even kil except when we were dating. It just hurts that she seems to be willing to deny me of my top EN and it does not seem to bother her.

She gives me a hug when I walk in the door and acts as if everything is OK.

We have been to MC and I have read HNHN. The MC asked us to read the 5 Love Lanuages and it took her 2 months before she read it. I feel she has tried to change. I also feel and the MC did also that she needs drama in her life. I think that she may be doing this hoping to create some (I'm not one deal w/ alot of drama) and thus make it my fault somehow when she wants to leave.

Have you tried incorporating the toys into your sex life? How does your wife respond to foreplay? Some women need a whole lot of foreplay and actually enjoy that part of sex more than the 'act' itself.

Why not set up a nice romantic evening with her and toss out the idea of letting you 'play' with her and her toys...I know some men are intimidated by the use of toys during sex, but they really can be an enhancement and not a threat if approached the right way..

When we do have SF there is always foreplay. I enjoy pleasing her and we do incorporate the toys into our love making. They do not by any means intimidate me. Like I said I enjoy the entire aspect of SF.

Several times in the past I have wanted to please her and she has told me she would rather me just start and she does not have to have satisfaction.

It makes me wonder now if maybe she has already had hers for the day?

Another thing I have notice lately is that she will wash a load of laundry that contains her work clothes from the prevoius night(3rd shift) and have them in the dryer when I get home. She has plenty of work clothes and it just seems odd to me that she feels the need to get off work and do a new load of darks when a load of whites was ready to put into the washer. Just something I'm keeping an eye on.

I think this is very promising. I would not mention that you "spied" on her. That would make me very angry. But at least you know that she does have desire.

Maybe you can change the order you do things. I would talk to her about it.

beliver,

Yes I now know that she has the desire but with whom? So far throught our M it has not been w/ me. I also do not want you to get the impression that SF occurs on a regular basis. Once every month or two. Not nearly enough for me (2-3 time a week is prefered). I have been told that that is an unreasonable thing to ask and that she knows that will never happen.

I feel as if she does not want to try and make things work?

pbw,

I don't think that SF is the main problem here. It's not the cause, it's the effect.

Is there someone else (OM)? Dr. H. writes that most SF problems go away when the real problem is resolved.

Is there more to your sitch???

i agree there is something else going on. i think you are describing a side effect to something else.

it does not have to be an OM though.

Maybe,

I understand about the SF problem going away when the real problem is resolved, but if she is unwilling to disclose the real problem and work on correcting it then what am I to do? During or MC sessions she pointed to the fact that throughout our M up until last year that I would bug her about SF. She stated that she grew to resent the act and that is the reason for all of this.

I have sense pretty much stopped asking and try not to show dissapointment when get denied and yet I feel there have been no changes on her part.

So how do you resolve a problem when the person holding the answers will not allow you to know what the problem is?

PBW,

Good question.

Have you read this:

"How to Overcome Sexual Aversion"

It's on this site under EN.

There is some underlying resentment there somewhere, IMO.

I had a whole post typed up and it wiped out.

I was like this in my first marriage. Because the only time my exH touched me was when he wanted SF.

Do you kiss her regularly and give her affection regularly without asking for it to lead to SF???

My ex got on the toy kick as well and would be furious if he thought I'd used one- even when he was out of town. This in turn only made me more resentful.

Maybe - yes I have read "How to overcome Sexual Aversion" and we have even talked about that being a possiblity. I even printed it out for her and mentioned to her that she could read about it if she wanted. Well she took the print out and it has been in the top of her dresser drawer since. (she has not read it yet. I printed it out in May of 06)

coacheswife - I am a very affectionate person in general. That was one of the things that we discussed during MC was that I felt that I was the one to always iniatate a kiss or give her a back rub, give her a hug. She has since MC began giving me a hug and a kiss when I come home from work. During MC that was one of the things that we talked about. I felt that I got affection from the kids when I got home but all I got from her was a hey. But besides the hug and kiss when I get home everything else seems to be a hastle for her. It just feels like there is no passion.

IMO It sounds to me as if she is getting her SF needs met somewhere else.

That old saying "if yor W is not having SF with you then she is getting somewhere else" sure rang true for me for over a year. yet she was home in my bed everynight. I just could not cross the "No mans Land" between us.

Look funny thing is that my FWW liked to point fingers at me all the time.

Then I would say no it is you. Blah Blah Blah.

At the end of it who cares really.

There is a problem. SF.

What is the resolution? How can you work together to get an acceptable resolution.

Ok she is resentful yadda yadda yadda. What is it you can do to get a little nookie.

If you come home with flowers, kiss her on the neck, give her a bath then a back rub to show her you want to please her would that do it? IF so then geterdun. If not find out.

Don't start out that high though on what you will give. LOL.

Identify the problem. Find a solution and don't point fingers.

SF seems to be a common goal here maybe you guys can work together to fullfill each other.

Ok lets recap:

-M for 11 years

-Wife has desires, but meets her own when pbw is not around.

-Doesn't feel like it with pbw and when it does happen, wants it done fast.

I still feel like there is something more happening. I don't know what, but something. Your wife should want to hug and kiss you on her own. SF would just happen and if she like the toys then they would just be a side dish to your SF, not a replacement.

?????

M2L,

LOL. Ok I agree with you as well. That is why I now recommend starting with what would appear to be what everyone wants and work backwards to get there.

Within that process perhaps what is missing will come out.

I can tell you within my M my W likes it in the mornings and I like it at anytime but seeing as we both work I would perfer she not do it there. Especially since I cannot go to her job.

So now on the weekends we try to enjoy ourselves in the morning. That way it isn't always just when I like it.