Hello All,

Unfortunately I visited these pages two years ago and now I find myself here again. First time posting. My situation is this. My FWW had an EA that lasted 6 weeks during Aug-Sept of 04. DD 9-16-04. I say EA because she has never confessed to anything else. At first I thought I was going crazy but finally realized something was going on and when I confronted her, she and the OMM (we had a meeting) confirmed something was going on. To make a long story short we had MC and we read SAA, HNHN, and I read LB too. One thing I will say is that within 5 days NC was reached & to the best of my knowledge no further contact was ever made. She had went through withdrawal and wouldn't get out of bed some days. It was difficult and I wasn't such a supportive person at times.

Ok, Nov. of 06 she starts a volunteer job at the local hospital as a chaplain's aide. The chaplain (MM) gives her quite a bit of attention. He begins to call her in to work more days even though we had agreed this would be a 1 day a week deal. She told our Pastor and our MC (she called him) that she felt the chaplain was a little too friendly. They advised her to tell me which she did. She was afraid I would over react and want her to quit voluteering was her explaination for not telling me right away. Well then Jan 7th she gets a text message @ 3AM from this guy. Phone goes off we wake up and I find out (as the day progressed) they have been talking by phone and emailing (secretly). Uh-huh. Then comes the bombshell. He sexually assaulted her two days before the text message (not rape). The day after the text message she went to the hospital and submitted a written complaint against him. He was basically forced to resign. No police report has been made as of yet.

Now we are going to the MC again. I am torn. Part of me wants to leave, part of me wants to stay. I feel betrayed again, and yet I know she was assualted. The MC says it's all totally different this time. But I feel the knife in my back. I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. It just feels like a rambling mess.

Hi Double- I am a FWW, and I'll tell you, this is one of the things I worry about. I too had an EA.

Your wife was vulnerable- you guys need to AFFAIR PROOF your marriage. You need her to feel safe with you. She needs to not have ANY job one on one with ANY man. She should never have started any secret emails and calls- BUT- she did not deserve to be sexually assaulted!

This has got to hurt you terribly, but you two need to get to more marriage counseling. YOu say that you were not the most supportive person when this happened last time-

She does not feel safe telling you things. She is wrong to put herself in a position for any type of EA to happen again. I'd bet that both of you have EN's that are not being met.

She would not have told the MC and your pastor about this if it were the same thing as before.

Do you love her? Do you want to do ALL the work it takes to have a happy, affair proof (insofar as possible) marriage?

Do you have any children?

No matter what, this assault thing needs to be handled, and she will need your support, no matter what.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I know that I have to support her. I am, I will. But I feel that whatever it is that she lacks within our relationship she has to tell me! I have for the last two years asked her periodically if I am meeting her needs and I'm always told yes, yes, yes but I always FEEL like I'm not that important to her, now this. Yeah and she lied to me too, a direct question not just a secret. Do I want to do all the work? Yes, if I just felt like it would be successful this time. I tried very hard after my initial love busters this last time. And I really thought we had made it. One child, 17.

I agree with your MC, it is totally different this time.

I feel bad for your wife, wanting to do volunteer work, and having this happen.

Hang in there. I know this is a huge trigger, but it can definitely be worked out.

So really, honest communication is the problem.

Here's a question, and it's not a 2x4- when you communicate, even if it's not something you really want to hear, are you kind and loving?

For instance, last night I initiated SF. Before commencing, as I came into the bedroom, I brought up something innocent from work (that when we move office spaces I would have to share an office). This brought up all kinds of negative things about my work from him, and I said, "When you are so negative, it really hurts my feelings." Then when I went to re-initiate SF, he said, "No, I don't feel like it now, the foreplay was too intense." And he left and went downstairs.

Now, I did not know that my bringing up one tidbit about work was going to lead to that. What I heard was, "I don't care about you. Why don't you just shut up and f***." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Made me feel really special. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I did tell him this morning that I would avoid talking about work before SF.

Do you think he's high on my list of people to communicate with? I made the EA mistake once, I'm not going to make it again, but I just wish I had someone safe to talk to. It's supposed to be my husband. I know what I did didn't make him feel safe.....see how it can be a vicious cycle???

I do believe it is somewhat different this time. She was tiptoeing on the line of an EA. What if this chaplain was a little smoother or more attractive? What if he was a little more patient? You could have been dealing with the same situation again. She already was exhibiting wayward behavior with the secret calls, emails, and TMs. I agree that you still have some problems, but they can be worked out with a good MC. You need to let your MC know about what behaviors are unacceptable including the time by herself with OM, and the secret conversations. If you and your WW are serious about solving your problems, you need to follow the MB program and affair-proof your M. This includes the rule of protection. You need to make sure that you are meeting the rule of care as well.

I know that she was assaulted. I'm not blaming her for that at all, she was a victim. No acqusations or implying it was her fault but I feel that she was tiptoeing the line for another EA like you said it jmwc95. If this guy had been more patient well lets just say I was seeing similiar patterns of behavior like last time.

I understand the need for safety. Matter of fact last night I told her that I was glad she had shared something with me (from the night before). I also told her that I wanted to be a safe person for her to talk with. And I meant it. You're right though she doesn't feel safe with somethings because she has used the "control" word with me. That gets me running everytime.

My MC says that we have to wait until she is recovered from the assault before we talk about "us". I accept that, and I'm supporting her emotionally and praying for emotional healing. But she has told me she doesn't want to talk about anything related to this guy ever again because it's too painful for her. I don't want to cross examine her. I just want to find out our problem so that we can work on it and she needs to set some boundaries that we can both enthusiastically agree on. I told her I won't ask any questions of her unless we're with the MC and I won't ask until the MC says we can start that process.

To get around the "control" issue, you need to frame the argument around thinking of your feelings and making you feel safe. Let her know that you aren't trying to control her, but protect yourself from getting hurt again. You can point out the EA and the recent assault as examples of what can happen (in a calm gentle way) and what you are trying to protect yourself against. It's all about you, you, you, not her.

I'm interested in this line of thinking regarding control issues. Because every request I make can be thought of as controlling, perception is reality. And when she feels it is controlling I am withdrawing from the bank. If I frame it that I am trying to protect myself you really think she will hear that? Anything she wants to do, she usually does. If I say anything that causes her to not do what she wanted, I'm controlling her. I have opinions and they're not always going to agree with hers. Especially when I feel danger is in the air.