I recently got married this past January 2007. Before the marriage, we were dating/living together since 2001; previously, we were lovers since 1998. We’re 12 years apart in age, I’m in my 30’s and she’s in her 20’s. In 2002, she got pregnant and during the weeks before the baby was born and maybe one or two weeks after, I had an affair with a friend. Yes, an affair while she was carrying my baby. During that time, I also told her I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She knew what was going on during the affair and managed to find out who the woman was. I had sex with the woman one time. The affair ended abruptly when she told the woman if she didn’t leave me alone, she would literally set her home on fire. I got a called soon after from the woman that she could no longer see me again; I didn’t question her actions and it ended.

Maybe a year or two after, the woman I had an affair with got married and I kept in touch over the years, phone calls and occasionally visiting her business. I do not know if she told her husband about me. My girlfriend was very angry that I kept talking to this woman; my response was since she is now happily married, I didn’t see a problem with us still being friends.

I guess my girlfriend believes in Karma, an eye for any eye, a tooth for a tooth, but in October 2006, she told me she no longer wanted to be with me and wanted to move out. She said she no longer wanted to pay for any bills and wanted her paycheck to herself, to save up enough money to move. The reasons: I continued talking to this woman, I only seemed interested in her for sex, I didn’t show affection in public (kissing/holding hands), I only wanted to talk to her when it was time for sex, I didn’t make her feel like a woman, after years of dating, living together, having two of my kids, forgiving me for my infidelity, I still did not want to marry her, I was controlling at times, I was being disrespectful to her, I wasn’t attentive to her needs and all her friends were getting married and asking her why we weren’t married yet. It just so happens that during that timeframe she met a man that was able to fulfill her needs and she had sex with him; she tells me it happened just once – it always seems to happen just once. She tells me the relationship lasted only nine days; it ended around the first or second week in October. She claims afterwards, she had two periods. At this point, I didn’t even know the affair had occurred.

From the time she said she wanted to move out, I became frantic and did everything possible to make her want me back. I even told her that I’m going to try to get her pregnant. I also started to go to church to try to show her that I’m trying to change me life. I was having sex with her at least once a week with a mission to make a baby. Unknown to both of us, I succeeded around the third week in November 2006. I will hurt her, not kill her, but hurt her, if she is lying to me about this baby.

Due to her inability to control her finances, she was never able to save enough money to move out and in December I got her an apartment and move her, our two sons (one biologically mine) and daughter to the new apartment. I couldn’t take her constantly telling me she didn’t want to be here anymore. No more than 3 days after she moved in I came by one night and two-guys and her girlfriend were in the apartment. I sprung a leak and for then onward, I had it in my mind that she was now cheating on me. All through December, I made her life a living ******; even though she claims she was not cheating on me. Stupid me, I missed that boat a couple of months ago (if her story is indeed true).

The beginning of the new year 2007, she decided to give me one last chance, and I had every desire to lock into this relationship once and for all to stop the drama; however, three days before the wedding, I told her I needed to know the truth and I would tell her anything she wanted to know since we got back together in 2001. BIG MISTAKE!!! I guess she always wanted to tell me, but she knew that I could not emotionally handle the sexual encounter with this other man, sporting 10-inches +.

Even though she told me she had a sexual encounter with another man in early October, it didn’t stop our marriage from moving forward. We’ve only been married a few weeks, but I’m having a hard time forgetting the past, leaving it to God, praying and moving forward. To me, if I don’t talk about what happened, even by cynical references, she’ll believe that the sexually encounter was not such a big deal … NO it was a big deal, I’m hurt, I’m PissedOff and I’m mad as ******. Call it male ego if you would, but it’s totally unacceptable for another man to have sex with my girlfriend; even though she considered us not together at the time. I just don’t like the fact that another man can say, I slept with your girlfriend while you were together, or going through problems.

For the past three weeks our marriage has been nothing but fights about her sexual encounter, to the point of talking about divorce. It sometimes affects our sex life; If I think about the situation during sex, thoughts of ‘So you wanted to sleep with another man’ turns sex into rough sex and I’ll go on for an hour without stopping; you’ll think I just got out of the shower when it’s over. However, just yesterday, we sat down, wrote out and discussed our issues and came up with an action plan for each issue. For our issue with her sexually experience, my action plan was to ‘forget the past, leave it to God, pray and move forward’. I told her I’ll try but the only cure for me will probably be time; the sexually experience will get so old, say 3-5 years down the road, that it would be an issue not even worth bringing up again. She told me she’s not going to wait that long, so that’s why we came with the previously mentioned action plan. So to save our marriage, I bite my lip and lie and pretend that I’m a happily married man. Why is it so easy for women to forgive more easily than men when it comes to infidelity? She rarely brings up my indiscretion with the other woman. I also have an urge to go out and have sex with another woman, to sex away my pain, but I fear to commit adultery, to spit in God’s face. I prayed and prayed for God to give me back my family, give me back my girlfriend and when it seemed like all hope was lost, I got a phone call from my girlfriend and a week later, we were married.

Even though I stopped talking to the woman back in Nov/Dec, I feel like I can continue to talk to her again since my girlfriend decided that she would get even-steven with me back in October. So here I am, a forest fire raging in my brain, with not enough water to fight the fire, just waiting for the day that this forest fire subsides to smoke. So what is my question, I guess I just wanted to vent my anger. Even though we’re married, we signed up for a pre-martial course (we already had our first session where we fill-out a questionnaire) and so far, attend church regularly every Sunday. I pray to God to slowly extinguish this forest fire. She assures me she only had sex once in October, so maybe this newborn baby will be the water hydrant that I need in my life. May God bless our marriage.

Dear Pissed Off,

We must be careful what we put into the world, because it often comes back to us. Two wrongs don't make a right, but you must try to be more understanding. You have wronged your wife. You were sleeping around when the two of you were together, and at a time when she was extremely vulnerable. You have admitted that you were not a good partner. You continued to show extreme disrespect for her by talking to the other woman. It doesn't matter if you thought it was ok, your partner had asked you to stop. She later had a sexual encounter with another. You are hurt, but you have no right to abuse her (rough sex because you can't control your anger).

You married her with full knowledge of what she had done, and she married you despite your past. It's time to focus on the future. Leave the past in the past and protect both yourself and your wife from any present or future pain. The hurtful behavior that you each engaged in occurred prior to your marriage. You didn't have to get married, but you made that choice. I hope that it was out of love. Focus on the love you share. You must both prove to each other that you are worthy of trust and that you will take care of each others' hearts. You are in a new stage of your relationship. If you engage in infidelity at this point, you will live to regret it. You have already felt the sting of betrayal, don't introduce it into your marriage.

Good Luck.

Very good advice!!!!!

Now get busy and work on the M.

What does this mean?

He's not sure it's his?

Quote:
I will hurt her, not kill her, but hurt her, if she is lying to me about this baby.



As many times as she has slapped me, kicked me, punched me ... I think I'll play my card and slap her right across the face if this baby is not mine. Hopefully a tooth will fall out.

I've constantly asked her for the truth about her sexual romps and she's sticking to her story. She had sex one time in the beginning of Oct 2006 and had a period twice afterwards in the same month, since we got back together in 2001. So technically speaking, there's no way that this baby cannot be mine. Sperm can only last up to 7-days inside the vagina; no way possible that sperm will be able to last well over 30-days inside the vagina. The doctor said she conceived in late Nov 2006; however, when I spoke to her friend/lover on the phone, he told me the last time they had sex was between Dec 1 - Dec 16 2006 and they were having sex with/without condoms. Later he recanted his story and said the reason he got the dates messed-up was because she made him mad on the phone (we were on 3-way).

I also didn't mention that I found a journel that she wrote with her friends. In the journal, she says she had sex with another guy, which is very close to the conception of our first son, 4-yrs old. She claims the journel was actually a novel she wanted to write about the real world experiences with her best friends and even though she did know the person, the sex experience with him was just an embellishment to make the journal/book more exciting.

Do I believe her about the journal or not? She's my wife now, so I guess I'll have to trust her.

Pot, meet Kettle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I fail to see what you have to be so pissed off about that she doesn't have EXACTLY the same right to be pissed off about too.

You guys sound really messed up and not faithful to each other at all.

YOU CANNOT GO BACK to that other woman! Just as she cannot go to another man.

Do neither of you understand what it is to be married???

I know I have my own issues to deal with, but man, this is crazy!

Also, physical abuse from EITHER person is totally unacceptable. I fail to see why you two are together. SOunds really dysfunctional to me.

I think you both need to read Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and LoveBusters.

Also a paternity test when the baby is born will put your fears to rest if you still doubt.

THere is hope for you, but you have much work to do.

I certainly hope and pray that you are only posting in anger and there is no shred of truth to the above statement...

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER...

What message would this be sending your children??? I think that you both need counseling...Anger management courses...

You do NOT have the right to hit another human being, nor does your wife...

But seriously dude, MAN UP and realize that you NEVER hit a woman...EVER...

My North Georgia born and raised grandpa used to tell my uncles, "Son, the day you ever hit a woman is the day you lose your manhood"...

I agree with him...He was a very wise man...You would do well to heed that advice...

Mrs. W

Quote:

"Son, the day you ever hit a woman is the day you lose your manhood"...


You're grandpa is a wise man. I'll pay my sister to slap her in her face.

With all due respect PO, you really need to get a grip and grow up...

Mrs. W

You have been told to man up here in these posts. They are wrong, you need to grow up. Stop talking like this and work on your M.

The advise you've been given is right on and you keep playing these little games.

Amen, Mrs W.

Dude, if this is your attitude, I'm not sure there's much hope for your marriage.

And if your wife is violent also, you both totally have lots of counseling to do, and some serious growing up to do.

Never mind

drive through window

Probably Pep - but unfortunately played out in real life FAR too often.

Why did you get married? Go ahead and get the darn thing annulled and you need to go to MC and IC. You need to forgive your WW and affair proof your relationship. You can't change the past, only the future.

Is it me, or does this guy seem like a troll?

I hope it's a troll, it's too icky to be real, right??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hello PO,

Underneath anger is usually fear and/or pain. The tremendous amount of anger in your post tells me that you are in a state of tremendous pain and fear.

I think most of us can relate to wanting to lash out....but lashing out is something that we must resist and, instead, find other ways to manage our anger, pain, and fear.

PO, go to the info pages of this site and start reading. It will take quite a while but once you understand Harley's Marriage Building Program then you will be able to make a decision as to whether you want to nurture and develop your marriage or to destroy it.

If after reading the info pages you decide that you want to have the marriage that is possible to have, I highly recommend scheduling an appt with Steve Harley to start you on your way. Come back to this Board if you have questions about how to eliminate LBs or how to fill ENs.

I also want to mention that there are indicators in your first post that you could be a troll. A troll is someone who makes up a persona for the purpose of causing an uproar on the board that results in in-fighting and, worse, distracting posters from putting their efforts into helping those who are here looking for real help.

Personally, I think that there is a very real possibility that you are not a troll. Time--and action on your part--will tell us. Start by reading the info pages. There is very real help available if that is what you are looking for.

If you don't mind, I would like to pray for you and your family (I'm Christian). If you are for real, I will pray that you find real direction to real change in yourself and your marriage. If you are a troll, I will pray that you find the courage to look at why you are acting out on this board.

Either way, PO, I wish you the best in finding the way to recovery, healing, and peace.

Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope she presses charges.......

it's a troll IMO