Post deleted by Jayban

Your wife has been having an affair. This is obvious. You need to find out with who. You have sat around and been a doormat for WAY too long. If she is drowning in debt she needs to drown even more. Expose this to all involved who would put pressure on her to end her affair. You stop and encourage others to stop enabling her as well. You WW is suffering an addiction. Read up on the first four posts of the just found out forum. They will tell you what to do. Read up on Dr. Harley's concepts including plan A. This is what you need to do. Do not accomodate her leaving you. Affairs are like addictions and your WW is an addict. Find out who the OM is and expose to your WW's boss and HR representative. They often have policies against these types of things. To save your M, you need to get to a point where she no longer has any contact whatsoever to the OM. Don't let her take your daughter. In fact your daughter is probably old enough to let her know what is going on. She can put pressure on your WW to get her to end her behavior. She shouldn't have to have her parents split up because her mother is having an affair. It is time to stand up, be a man, and fight for your family. Get to work. You are already several months behind.

Don't let her take your belonging. You should take them back. She can't steal marital property out of the house.

Jb, I'm sorry you find yoursefl here and want you to know that your WW's words and actions are typcial of someone in the throws of an affair.

My guess it is someone from school and you really need to find out who this man is and expose the A to his ex-wife (wife?) and her family.

Also read up on Plan A and impliment it ASAP.

If she wants to move out that is her perogative, however ensure your DD stays at home with you.

Post deleted by Jayban

I'm sorry you have a need to be here.

Why did you pick P1 for your title? Is there more? Seems like you filled us in pretty good.

Just a few points:
-Why did your in-laws go right to helping your ww move out?

-If your wife thinks she isn't making it now $ wise, how will moving out help?

-Where did she go?

-Is she still in contact with your DD?



Most everyone here will be telling you the same thing - find the OM and expose to his wife, work and such. You must break up this A.

best wishes,

just answered some of my questions

Post deleted by Jayban

Looks like we have to wait for Pt. 2 of the story to get what's happened since.

I hope he's fighting for his custody rights

I hope he's not so depressed he's lost his job

Very tough situation. His WW has cleaned him out. He's behind on the mortgage and without her help paying it is perhaps in a situation where he is losing or lost the marital home anyway. Thus losing any advantage of remaining in the marital residence in any custody dispute. Further, without money...how can he pursue legal remedies. Lawyers want cash on the barrel. I already foresee a bankruptcy on the horizon.

On the upside, his daughter IS 15 years old. What SHE chooses, at her age, significantly effects the custody outcome and if this does end in divorce he only has a couple of years of child support remaining anyway. I'd like to know how your daughter feels about all this.

MIL & FIL are a long way away and likely believe all the fog babble, rationalization and justifications your wife has been spewing at them for a long time. They likely have been even more snowed by WW than you. She's no doubt having an affair and proving it has been occuring all along will be even tougher to demonstrate now, to the satisfaction of anyone outside of MB.

I'll await the rest of the story for further comment. It's just a story to this point. What is the current situation and what help does he want and need? Is WW communicating with him at all??? Does he have a lawyer friend or Private Investigator friend that will help him out???

Mr. Wondering

Post deleted by Jayban

Jay,

Have you completely read through any of the basic concepts yet??

I suggest you spend some time on the Just Found Out Board also and read through a couple of the threads at the top.

Longhorns..."For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread, including the link entitled Spying 101 in his signature line

WATS..."toolkit for Betrayed Spouses?????" thread.


You should KNOW where your daughter lives. You can follow them. Without any parental responsiblities and no kid in your home I'm shocked you haven't already done this. You don't have to tell them you know or confront her. In fact, acting like you don't know where they live and spying on the home to find out WHO the Other Man (OM) is may behoove you. They won't expect you watching.

Mr. Wondering

I think that you should do a little plan Aing with some while exposing her to the consequences of her actions. Do not pay for ANYTHING for her. Let her drown in debt. Find out who she is having an affair with. I know a PI is expensive, but it costs less than a D lawyer. Once you know who, you can expose. Her parents my be a little less enabling if they find out their daughter was having an A the whole time. She DEFINITELY is having an affair. All the signs are there. Since there isn't sufficient means to communicate, it is someone she sees everyday through school or work. Find out and expose to anyone in a position to put pressure on the A. She says you are controlling because she doesn't want you to find out. It is a ploy to manipulate you into inaction. She doesn't want you to stop your A.

One other thing. Let her know that if she does file, you will want full custody, and you WILL NOT be friends with her. She is either your WIFE or NOTHING to you. Don't let her negotiate an amicable divorce. She is cake eating and fence sitting. Don't enable her. She still wants you as a friend. When my WW found out I wanted nothing to do with her if she got a D (along with cutting her off financially), she cut it off with OM and came back. She hasn't committed fully to the M verbally, but she is more and more acting married and talking about what we are going to do in the future.

You need to find out who OM is. That is your key to saving your M. Once you do that exposure will kill the fantasy of the A, and if NC can be established, you will see her most likely come back to you. This is your plan of attack.

Though your daughter MAY prefer living without supervision with your Wayward Wife and indicate such to the court the court CAN and WILL award you custody IF you can sufficiently document that WW is not living up to her parental obligations.

The truancy thing likely isn't goint to fix itself. If you spend just a few weeks documenting and going to the school and seeking out help. If you play an active role in your daughters life you just MAY be able to convince the court. However, this presumes you have the money to make such argument with a good lawyer.

Finding out who OM is and exposing him MAY just do the trick. A little Plan A for a few months followed by a Plan B may restore your marriage. You are no doubt here a little late in the game...but marriages HAVE recovered from worse situations than yours.

Read up and then you'll have more ability to seek poignant advice for your situation.

Mr. Wondering

Very obvious your W is having an affair and has been...she is not going to "start" dating she has been. Your story is the same as many many on here...

This is all by the letter...marriage was never any good...tons of rationalization...need space...constricted...need time...etc...etc...all reasons she is using in her mind to resolve her guilt and allow her to have an affair...

You need to investigate and expose the affair...you need to focus on yourself. Take it slow and get yourself in a better state so you can survive. Your marriage can be saved but the affair must be exposed and ended.

You've got a LONG history of not following her or spying on her. She's NOW not likely to be taking ANY precautions about her extra-marital relationship (assuming that OM is not married).

I say, get a good undercover outfit yourself. Borrow a friends car. Find your wife's car and follow her after work and/or after school to figure out who she is with. Having a friend do it would be even better or TWO separate cars following her, communicating by cell phone and narrowing down her location is the safer way NOT to get caught.

The guy may even work for YOUR company. If you've been there years and years and the boss is a sympathetic, you may be able to get WW and/or OM fired.

Lots of potential opportunities here but YOU need facts; not speculation.

Stay calm. Don't react. Plot out all your actions herein with forethought. I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Mr. Wondering

JB wrote:

"Then, she told me for the first time that she wanted a divorce. Our relationship was tainted, a waste of 17 years, and the bad outweighed the good. The good memories I mentioned were dismissed, only the bad memories arose. It was a losing battle, and I begged her for 6 months to delay filing and try to work it out."

Now I not trying to by an a55, but trying to get this right. Your wife had not mentioned D until recently, but you begged her for 6 months to delay filing??? I'm not sure I see the time line here.

Post deleted by Jayban

got it - thanks

No offense, but you have been a complete doormat and your WW has lost respect for you. You have done nothing actively to save your M up to this point, and didn't even fight your WW taking all of YOUR stuff and YOUR DD. It is time to stand up and be a MAN!

That being said, you have taken the first step to save your M. Please follow our advice. It is obvious what you have (or haven't) been doing hasn't work, so it is time that you get tough on your WW and stop enabling her behavior. Don't worry about exposure of the A or making her feel the consequences of her actions. She's not wanting to D you because she's angry, she's wanting to D you because she is an addict who is having an affair and doesn't want to have to stop. You need to see a lawyer and get custody of your DD. Also, make sure that there is no exposure to OM. You can get a judge to keep your WW from exposing your DD to the OM. Start today. The next time she comes over, put a GPS device in her car. You can find out where she lives and where she is going. Do a little intel to find out who the OM is. You need to start fighting fire with fire. Get a GPS device at Radio Shack or Circuit City today.

Have you talked to MIL and FIL again. Why not give them a call. I can't believe that they would just let their SIL go after 17 years. Not to mention the father of their GD. You will need their help with this.

Your M is not over and there is lots you can do to recover your M, but it will be lots of hard work.

Start by finding out where your WW lives.

Find out who OM is

Then we can move to expose, but not until you do some work.