Post deleted by Jayban

This is called cake eating. Your wife gets some of her needs met by you and some by the OM when you are not around. This must end before you can get your wife to even try to work on your M.



Good, keep us posted on this



Right, don't let on to anything with your wife. You don't tell her that you are on line with us, or about knowing where she lives or about the GPS. You need these things in your pocket and working for you.

Keep up the good work

Okay just a quick one but my suggestion on snooping is just to collect facts. Don't confront with evidence. WW's can spin things better than a Gaylord Perry knuckleball. Keep your knowledge to yourself. If she is aware you are digging around, she will just tunnel deeper and make it that much harder for you. You just pretend to be stupid. Look for behavior patterns. Waywards become very predictable once you know what to look for. Can you plant a voice-activated recorder in her car?

Once you learn where she lives, can you get a very good friend to stake it out for a few nights with a camera? I might wait until I had looked at the GPS data to see what patterns show up. If she is out at bars every night till 3:00AM, your friend will probably be asleep when she shows up at home.

Keep any info you find away from the IL's for now. I have to assume they are not on "your side".

Post deleted by Jayban

You need to learn how to detach yourself from your WW. That act hot and cold all the time. You will go crazy trying to analyze their every move. Accept that they are wayward, in the fog, and they will be all over the place. It's just the nature of WWs. She'll be like this for at least several months after the A is over. Just stick with your plan. You should be able to tell whether or not she found the GPS when she drives.

I think its a bit of oscolation, she had a good time with you and that is causing conflict, how can she justify her actions if you are being so nice. I wouldn't push the kisses or affection to hard just the warmth.

Post deleted by Jayban

Plan A is not just about breaking up an A. It is just as much about making life time changes with yourself. Making you better and working on your shortcomings. You can do this part of Plan A anytime with or without an A going on.

Your wife will come and go in the Fog.

Jay is good and I should love him and stay with him.

Jay is bad and I should end it with him

Jay is ok, life is ok, I'm not happy

Life could be so much more happy if I changed my life


Just the course of a WW

Do you think there might be any reason she would feel she could benefit from recording your conversations?

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. Whether she is recording them electronically or electrically in her brain, a WW can repeat your every word verbatim months later. It is a unique ability that all WW's share (guess it isn't really "unique" then...sorry).

Let's just assume that she will be able to repeat back everything you say later. Factor that into your communication. Don't ever say anything you will regret later and you will have a pretty good Plan A going for you.

Post deleted by Jayban

Post deleted by Jayban

There are many threads containing quotes of all the crazy things WS's say.

No, divorcing wives that are not in an affair say:

I need you to change or I'm divorcing you. They are open to discussing things and turning over every leaf in a desparate attempt to either fix it or leave. They are often willing to attend marriage counseling and NOT as a ruse to manipulate the situation and/or carry out an exercise in divorce counseling to appease their guilt (meaning they fake the process so they can later claim "they tried")

I'm telling you Jay. Your situation is OBVIOUS. Many posters come here and posted much less than you've disclosed above and it's almost almost almost never been a simple misunderstanding. You'd be amazed to look at the stats of how many divorces are actually causes by infidelity OVER any other cause. The simple fact your wife thinks she wants one is suspicious enough...add in the telltale quotes, the separation, the hiding, etc.

Remember....ACT, don't react.

Once you have confirmed what I believe to be the case, try very hard to remain calm and not give up immediately. You DO NOT have to make any immediate decisions about your future. Experience the truth and come here. We will help you through this.

Mr. Wondering

Have a read through these:

signs of cheating

I saw many of these signs long before Dday.

Post deleted by Jayban

She's freaking out because she's a WW who is getting caught in her lies. She doesn't want to be the bad guy that ended her M when her H was fighting to save it, she doesn't want to be unmasked as the adulterer she is, and she is tired of leading a secret life. Just let her rant on her and just listen. Don't worry about what she says, just let her know that you are listening. Keep snooping, it will obviously put pressure on her A. Right now she is lashing out to try and keep the A secret. She is telling you to back off and let her have her A in peace. Don't fall for it. Find out who this guy is and expose. I'm fairly certain he is a guy at work and she is trying to protect him. Snoop, snoop, snoop, expose, and end this affair. Let us know what you find out.

I speculate

OM is a married man.

She is so guarded in secrecy; yet, thinks she knows she is never coming back to you. These thoughts/actions conflict. I think there is another reason for her to maintain the secret. She is protecting OM from discovery by his wife AND keeping you in the dark JUST IN CASE she needs a back up plan (OM and her don't work out).

Just a hunch

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Recreate the calender of the last few months to the best of your ability. Her nights out; etc. It's better than nothing and it's easier than trying to recall it 6 months from now in some legal dispute.

p.s.s.- God choose YOU as the perfect man for her and she YOU. Discard your insecurities about that. YOU are her husband.

Yes, there's something she's trying to keep hidden from you about the OM...could he be a student? Maybe she's worried about losing her job as well as her A if it were exposed.

She's definitely scared of what you may do once you find out.

I think EXPOSURE is going to work wonders in breaking up this A.


~ Marsh

"She also added some of the most venomous things I've heard from her to date "I'll NEVER, EVER, EVER get back together with you!" "I was such a stupid little girl to be with you". Poisonous, hurtful things I'm going to have echo through me for a long time"


Let's see a show of hands - who here has heard this before. Jay, I have heard much worse myself and my story doesn't come close to some of them here. My wife told me how in love with the OM she is and that I would just have to live with it. OM this OM that. Psst... she loves me now and HATES every word she told me during the FOG.

You need to get over to the JUST FOUND OUT posts and read them. You will see the whys and hows.

If you have been reading others threads here then you will see that you are no dif than others and should be seeing the signs of an A by now.

Oh, your wife is mad b/c you are ruining her fun. How are you doing this? You are still around and now your being nice to her. She would like it if you gave up and ran so she could have a fun A without you around.

Your best bet right now is to read all you can and then come here with questions.

My wife just read your last post and had a small chuckle (not at your expense)

Rather...the part where she criticizes you as "treating her like property", "I'm not your property", etc. She repeated several times throughout her rant.

1. Same thing my wife said including "you don't love me you just want to "win" me, this is all a game between OM and you and my life is caught in the middle" and "I am not a trophy"

2. It's a great thing for a WW to allude to. They hint at this when they try to explain to OM why you are being so nice to them (Plan A) to allieve any insecurity he may have.

3. OM's JUMP on this and repeat it often to WW as they don't want to think that you could be this good guy willing to reconcile with his wife....they want to continue making you the bad guy so they can feel good about what they are doing.

4. It's also a continuance of the damsel in distress mode which is soooo attractive to an insecure P.o.S. interloper.

Our former OM beat this issue into my wifes head hard in the spring of 2005. Those words she said to you today are his words in her mounth.

Mr. Wondering

You two beat me each and every time - Mr.W and Marsh