Post deleted by Jayban

Not bad,

In the future you can and should post this type communications prior to sending them. Timing was not essential and it doesn't hurt to get an experienced 2nd or 3rd opinion on them. For example, I likely would have told you to tone down the ending sentence. Too many ILY's just repulse WW's and make you appear a tad needy. Also "My wife" is heard by WW's as you think she's a possession. It's not that big a deal. All in all, I like it.

Don't expect a positive response. She wants to blame you anyway and will continue to do so. You only made it a tad harder for her...but she'll likely continue. Conversely, she may play nice. Sometimes they get much more upset trying to keep you from doing something that interferes with the affair. Once it's done...they accept it and move on to the next thing they don't want you to do and contrive how to accomplish that...whatever she does it's only purpose is to manipulate you.

What's next on your snooping agenda???

Mr. W

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Post deleted by Jayban

No, the number one enemy is the affair. Keep snooping.

Jay,

This is hard, but your goal is worth it!

Post deleted by Jayban

Jayban,

Believer is right. As many have said - your M can survive your W's anger but not her affair.

I feel the same way you do and I see the anger, resentment, and contempt my WW has for me right now. She has told me she hates me. She feels I am wrong for everything I have done and I see no evidence that she feel remorse for things she has done but maybe she does and she keeps it inside. She also seems to dwell on my past mistakes and not meeting her ENs. She is wanting to blame me for the stress the kids are under.

Conversations with her are short with very little said right now. This does not allow me to meet her EN for conversation very well right now. However, I feel like I am able to meet her EN for admiration because she is wearing the clothes I have given her as "just because I was thinking of you" gifts.

Hang in there. We have good help here guiding us.

Jayban,

Don't worry, she's just angry and lashing out because her parents decided to stop enabling her A and her behavior. Your situation will only improve because she won't have her parents enabling her any more. Just keep with the plan. Continue plan A, find out who OM is, and expose. This doesn't change anything. I've been told much worse. You're doing a good job. The angrier they are, the more their little fantasy world is crashing down. Don't let them drag you down with it.

Jay, man your posts bring back so many memories for me as the similarities are scary. Read my story and you will see my WW was saying and doing the same things your WW is doing.

You will find that a WS's anger is directly proportional to how involved they are in the A.

My WW as cold, distand business-like and treated me like a piece of furniture. She revised our M history and I started believing what she was saying.

This is hard my frined there is no other way around it. Keep snooping...I did and finally discovered her A.

You are interfering in her fantasy and she will hate you for it...mine did. It is all part of the WS script.

No matter what you do right now, you can do no right in your WW's eyes. I know the feeling.

AD are a good idea as they have helped many get through this terrible time.

I know this will be hard for you to believe, but it will get better...in time.

Marriage Counseling while your WW is a waste of time, IF you actually believe marriage counseling is going to ensue. Your wife's intention, as she even stated would be different from your, IS divorce counseling.

I still say go, if you can swing it. But only because that will be time spent with YOU and not OM. You'll get to meet needs for communication. Maybe you can drive to and from the meetings together...spending time talking about nothing. She will use the sessions to try to convince you and the counselor that it is over. Don't buy it...just continue on point, maintain hope and reverse babble. Might also be a good place to actually have your D-day when you can find enough evidence to convince the counselor that what you are saying is true despite your wife's denials. If OM is married, you could expose to his spouse from your car in the parking lot of the counselor's office and then tell her in the session.

Stay strong. Your wife's an addict. It's not any different than a crack addiction (did you know Dr. Harley's was actually owned a chain of drug counseling centers, sold them and decided to focus on marriage/infidelity issues...the concepts and the recovery program are nearly the exact same).

It's NOT you...it's her (and OM).

Mr. Wondering

I'm surprised he (Harley) didn't stay with the druggies, as they're probably more predictable than a Wayward Spouse!

Jay, everyone that is posting to you is telling you just how it is. Waywards are the worst to deal with. Just live every day knowing a Wayward will provoke you in ANY way possible, trying to force you into horrible behavior, which helps them justify keeping the OM in the picture.

It's as if there is a Wayward handbook...as they all act and say the same things.

You are to be commended for "buying" in to the MB program, and using these principals and techniques. You will save a lot of time, and more importantly, save yourself from making some of the many mistakes some of us made, because we didn't find MB soon enough, or chose not to follow the tried and true advice.

It's a long ride....stay heathy, well rested, and continue to learn.

Best wishes,
SD

jb,

I have only skimmed the last few posts because it is very late but I did want to add that yes, I did often begin to believe that my WW was right and I was wrong. I think many BS do feel like that. We get in mini-depressions (funks) and begin to doubt everything about ourselves. It is miserable. It comes and goes. It, like the A, is also fantasy. Best thing to do when you feel that way is post. Unfortunately people here are not to friendly when you do that, you are more likely to get a swift kick in the backside, but it usually cures the problem.

Post deleted by Jayban

Jay, listen to me when I say your WW is deep in the fog and some of her comments clearly reflect this. I swear I heard my WW say some of those same things over a year ago.


WS will look for reasons or justifications to continue their A so this is a perfect example of that. She sounds more like a teenager here than a married woman with a child.

When a WS talks about space what they are really saying is that I love the feeling I'm getting from the OP and want to spend as much available time I have with them. This is not about you JAy it is about the feelings and addiction your WW has with the OM.


I heard this line verbatum from my WW. You are damn right you will resent her for D'ing you, but she is hoping you can be "frineds" with her so she can cake eat.


Jay, let me ask you...would any rational thinking woman speak these words of nonsense? This is pure fog babble and all you can do here is listen to her. Others like Orchid can advise you on how to reverse babble which is one method of turing the babble back on the WS and confusing them somewhat.


Don't get pulled into this as she is trying to justify her actions. You see if you become angry or curse at her it will validate her feelings that she is doing the right thing. It is important that you do not LB at this point althoug I know it is extremely difficult.

Jay, keep snooping as I am certain you will find there is an OM somewhere in the picture. Sorry you have to go through this as we know how you must be feeling right about now.

Don't let her scare you out of doing what is right for you M and family.

Does she talk on the phone at home with her friends? Does she use the home computer? Can you put a GPS on her car? You really need to find out who the OM is.

HTW

This is not all bad. If she didn't give a crap about you she wouldn't care if you will resent her or not



My wife told me that she was glad we hadn't tried for a 3rd one b/c .... get this "I would have really messed things up" Same old hat - fog crap. PLease don't take her words to heart.



She knows what she is doing is wrong. If it wasn't wrong she wouldn't care if you told her parents. What would you tell? Wife went to work, drug store and came home and cooked a great dinner? What ever.



Great, spending time together is always a good thing. Be up beat, smell good and dressed nice. Be a mans man if you will. When she talks normal just repeat backa few words to her. Mrs "winter is just too long and I get sick of sitting in the house all the time." Yeah, winter it too long for me too. Instead of sitting around all the time in the house how would you like to go out a little more? Movies, dinner or a play?

Try to get her to spend more time with you.

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Jay's quote:

"Do I set a boundary of "I don't wish to talk to you if you continue to say absolutely cruel things? For example, speaking of the loss of our unborn baby as a blessing is unacceptable to me, and I will leave any further conversation with you when you say things like that".


M2L:

Yeeeah,

If you set that boundary, you will not be talking to your wife very long. They will and do say many hurtful things. It's what they do.

You may have been told this already, but you have to treat her as if aliens have picked up your wife and replaced her with someone who looks like your wife, but no longer acts like your wife.