Jay, I in the same situation with IL's as you. They were horrible parents to WW when she was a child, there was abuse. Now, they are enabling her funding her and emotionally supporting her in the destruction of our family.... From what I can see and what I have heard from the experts her, that too is a fantasy and will eventually breakdown, your MIL will eventually get tired of hearing the same things from WW, its all jay's fault, its all jay's fault.... then when jay is not there who fault is it?

What I can tell you is that its going to be a lot longer period of time, maybe years worth of working and waiting for your wife to reappear... this is not going to be easy.

When you talk to your attorney - make sure he knows that you want full custody, that wife left job because of the affair - the this recorded have your Voice recorder with you at all times - then when you go to the courts you say look I have my job and my home my daughter needs to be with me... If your daughter speaks to the court and says I want to be with mommy, you show the court her grades and have school officials come and comment on her behavior... you need to start preparing them for that now, no ones wants to testify in court but you put them on notice they will be at least prepared.

Where did your WW stay last night? Did the PI follow her again?

A second night in his apartment as awful it feels would build a stronger case for you

Jay,

Just stay in FIL's ear. Let him know about her addiction to OM, how she parties all night and neglects her daughter, and how ADULTERY with a man who would knowingly pursue a married woman, will not make WW happy in the long run. Remind him that you are the only one that cares about WW. Throw in a little scripture or something. Tell him evil is allowed to occur when good men stand by and do nothing.

Don't forget to talk to OM's parents. They can be key. I know my parents would not want me dating a married woman. They wouldn't let her in the house. It is always easier if you can get the OM to break it off.

If you can break up their affair, then you will save your M.

Oh, and does OM know that you and your WW had SF just over a month ago? A lot of times adulterers think things are exclusive, and it would bother them if they found out otherwise.

Post deleted by Jayban

SF = sexual fulfillment, one of the top ten ENs.

Get yourself tested for STDs.

Post deleted by Jayban

There is nothing legally stopping you from seeing your daughter. Maybe you should stop by your WW's house and take her out to lunch.

Mr. Wondering

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Jay, expose both of them to their superiors as soon as possible. It is the affair that will cause them to lose their jobs, not your exposure. Your WW may have told you she is quitting so you will think that you it is not necessary to expose to her bosses. Funny though how she did not ask you to spare exposing the OM. Surely she must know that he is done with his TA position and funding.

Post deleted by Jayban

Done, as in getting booted.

JB,

There are many "what ifs" in this with all the family interaction. All of that is beyond your control. My suggestion is keep all that going but place your priority on getting WW fired and OM terminated. Force them into the real world. Expose OM to his family, if possible. Go to the University press. Get it published in the campus newspaper.

I want to comment on something you wrote a few posts back. You said you were very afraid. Fear is your enemy. Conquer it. As a BS who once lived in constant fear of losing my family, doing the wrong thing, I can promise you that you have absolutely nothing to fear. WW and OM, on the other hand, should be pissing their pants.

Post deleted by Jayban

Looking at it through the affair addiction lens

She is MOST worried about her relationship with OM

She has told him the marriage is over thus she adamantly wants to stick to that story....despite reality.

Admonishing you and trying to get you to go along with such "theory" is her greatest desire.

Did you send that email to OM????

Also...you told FIL about Plan A and about MB concepts, how long until they snoop around and find this thread??? It's not a good time for that to happen...she will see this all as some game of manipulation by you and not what it is...a man desperate to save his marriage. Be careful...print out infidelity information from other websites if you want but keep MB a secret.

Mr. Wondering

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Post deleted by Jayban

Jay,

She is acting like a cornered animal. She is just lashing out against you to try and get you to stop what you are doing. Exposure is really working. She's is trying to come up with justifications and rationalizations because she doesn't want to be seen for what she truly is. All people committing adultery always say they are against it but they think their situation is different. Why do they think it occurs so much? People fall into the exact same traps that she is doing.

She is trying to get you to give up so you don't get her and OM fired. By the way she is responding, she told OM what you are doing, and he probably flipped out. She is afraid to lose OM right now. She will do anything or say anything to get you to back off and give up. Don't go for it. I think you really need to notify OM's parents BEFORE Monday, so he doesn't have time to come up with a story to tell his parents as to why he is getting fired. Keep on the attack and don't be afraid of your WW.

Jay, this A will end, and when it does, your WW will crash HARD and want to come back to you. That is how it always happens. The key is to use exposure to get the A to end prematurely before you D and/or lose your love for your WW.

jay your transcript reads like conversations with my WW, almost to the verbs used, and others here will say the same thing. Its their transcript.

You need to contact your lawyer and have him send your wife a certified letter, to her address stating that she need to provide you access to your daughter every other day for at least 2 hours, and that its advised that SHE the WW get an attorney and that attorney contact YOUR attorney going forward.

To everything she said to you is wrong, defaming character routine is the same thing my WW said to me, my lawyer laughed outloud which is fair for a lawyer to do.

Anyways, put the pressure on your WW that your taking ALL actions possible to protect your family.

Can you take Monday Off it would be better for you to rest, she will be hunting for you at work, she has a score to settle, as long as your co-workers and boss already know then just take the day off and rest.

You need to keep your convesations with your WW to the point of seeing your daughter, no more no less. If she goes on a rant you ask her to speak to your daughter if she doesn't, then you politely hang up on her.

She is out to attack you at any chance she gets.

Don't be surpised if she shows up there at your house.
Don't be surprised if she comes then leaves then comes back with the cops saying you hit her.

Do you have any friends close by that you can visit or at least have them come over if she comes over, you need to document and protect yourself.

The most important thing to remember is that this is an alien a beast out to destroy you, when she talks imagine a fish head on her shoulders flapping its gums in the air.

****** hath no fury like a woman EXPOSED!

Well done, Jayban. Expect the fury for a few more days. You are getting great advice here, with the exposure at work, and exposing to the OM's parents. I bet they'll be thrilled their son will lose funding for his education. Real thrilled.

The exact things your WW are the most upset about are the things that are making the affair very uncomfortable. The more she howls, the more on the mark your actions have been.

She is yet another classic WW, spewing the exact same things all the others do.

The only thing that concerns me is that she had moved out some time ago, which means she'd written off the marriage quite some time ago. Your Plan A is going to have to include changing some of the things you bring to the marriage that she is not happy with. Right now, she's not happy you are breathing, and that's good. When she calms down, and you can begin some dialect with her, you need to be keenly aware of what EN's of hers you haven't been meeting, or what Love Busters are driving her away. Exposure is not the whole of Plan A, it is just the most dramatic part which can greatly impact bringing about the end of the affair. The rest of Plan A is meeting her needs and cleaning up your act as well.

You have to attack on all fronts, and this exposure is so dramatic, I don't want you to forget the marriage was vulnerable, probably some time before she moved out. Figure out what her "beefs" have been about you and set forth to correct and modify these behaviors as soon as possible. It takes some time for a wayward to believe any of your changes are any more than bait and switch.

You are doing great so far. My last advice is to make your daughter the number 1 priority in your life and be as close to a full time father as you can. Your daughter will be the winner, regardless of how the marriage turns out.

Best wishes,
SD

Here's the rest of the phone story, taped and transcribed. I nearly bit through my lip at times, but I hope those who do exposure find this helpful for seeing the things that are said. If you have exposed before, have you heard these things?

More fogtalk and select quotes from the WW:
"The PI broke the law, he came on the private property of the Apartment complex"

"You want to stop the affair by threatening me? You told my coworker that you wanted the affair to stop or you would tell my boss?" (No, I asked him to encourage you to stop seeing the other man, and that I am trying to save my marriage and I'm asking for his help and support. I already told your boss...before I told you)

"I am separated from you and filing for divorce, so it's not an affair!"

"You have no reason to be mad at me"

When asked to stop the affair: "What am I stopping this for? For you?"

"I can live with what I'm doing, I have done nothing wrong! You are trying to have everyone judge me by telling my coworker, who didn't know."

"I don't care anymore, you can tell everyone. I'll call your family and tell them. I tell them about the "MF" you were for 17 years and YOU pushed me away!"

"I wasn't being secretive! I just didn't want to hurt you!"

"I'm not married to you, well, legally I am, but I haven't married to you for a long time"

"You pushed me towards divorcing you, not this! I didn't see him (OM) until after I left"

"Let me go, let me be, let me be happy. If you love me so much you will do that."

"You are trying to control me by telling to stop this affair or you are telling everybody!" ("No, I already told everybody. I'm not threatening anything.")

"Are you done calling my parents now? Why do you want to talk to them? My parents are staying neutral, they are pressing me to do the things that make me happy, and I am happy with someone else"

"You are being mean and cruel by exposing this to the entire department. They won't fire me, they need me. I'll leave this job because you work there."

"The truth is, I care about this man very deeply. You are the one that brought this upon to yourself. Since you brought this up and exposed it, you need to hear about him (OM)"

"You are abusing me by exposing this to everyone"

"I just want a divorce, I just want out of this marriage"

"Now I'm # 1 in your life when it's too f'ing late!"

"All of my issues are between myself and God, and he knows my heart"

"You can't stop it! (us seeing each other). What makes you think that notifying my boss will stop it?"

"I know how you are! You can't pretend to be someone you are not! You are a calculating, vindicative person"

"If you can't have me, you will go to war!"

"I didn't cheat on you! This marriage is over! I never conveyed to you that I wanted to work on this marriage" (Reply: People who are involved normally don't.)

"I'm not doing anything wrong"

"I am still married, ummm, only in the sense that I don't have the money to file divorce"

"You wasted all this money on a PI" ($400)

"I wasn't going to deny it, I'm relieved actually"

"You hired somebody that we don't know who could possibly hurt me or your daughter"

"I'm filing a restraining order because you are stalker-ish: You hired a PI, you contacted my coworkers and boss, and that's threatening me" (No, I am only telling those around you the truth in order to effect the end of this affair with the express purpose of reconciling my marriage, that's not threatening behaviour.)

"I'm going to file a restraining order against you and the PI!" (Ok. By all means, feel free.)

"I'm not going to have you tell my daughter about OM, I told her myself!"

"I would have started seeing OM a lot sooner if I would have found a place sooner!"

"So, you are trying to get us fired! That's what you are trying to do."(No, I am trying to protect my marriage and I'm asking you to stop seeing the OM) "Otherwise I'll be fired?"

"I'm not living with you, so I can sleep over with another man anytime I want"

"You are trying to scare me into not seeing OM"

"My A has everything to do with YOU! I'm sorry you can't accept it"

"If you want to see your daughter, you can waste your gas to pick her up. I'm on a limited income." (I would carry her on my back if necessary, and as for your money situation, you made that choice, not I.)