Sorry to hear this

Post deleted by Jayban

Post deleted by Jayban

Jay,

Here was an idea that Steve H gave me once.

Ask your wife to have NC for 6 months. If "they" were ment to be then 6 months would be nothing, not hard at all for her.

We all know that 6 months of NC would get her out of the fog and she would no longer want to be with the OM.

Ask her for 6 months of NC in exchange for you concidering D. I didn't say you would D, just talk about it.

????

Your call to OM was a long shot. It was not likely he was going to say "oops!" since he knew full well WW was married. Keep in mind this is a person who has now shown he has no respect for relationships or marriage. He is 100% in this for himself. It is interesting to see that he says he "likes" her. He avoids using love and, to be honest, I don't think he did that to protect your feelings.

What do you think about letting FIL see that transcript? It does show a subtle timeline is why I mention it.

Post deleted by Jayban

YOU DID GREAT.

You demonstrated yourself to be calm and strong. NOT...the irrational monster he's been told you are. HE is the key. The next few days and weeks, as reality sinks in, and your WW goes on and on IRRATIONALLY trying to convince him you are crazy....he'll look back on that conversation.

When he demonstates ANY doubt your WW will attack him which creates further doubt.

OM is going to dump her. He's single. He only expressed "he likes her" (which I'm surprised about cause it really demonstrates a lack of depth in his feelings for her...this is a fling to him, he is NOT emotionally invested, he just wants to date her). When the going gets tough, he'll move on to easier, more available, less complicated women.

Once he dumps her...then, you may have a shot at reconciliation.

I know you must have been shaking after that call. You really did as well as could be expected. Reward yourself with a walk or a bath and a good nights sleep. Release the anger on a punching bag and trust in God. He will reveal His plan in due time. Accept what you can not control.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Expect a NUTSO call very soon from WW...you directly confronted her addiction. This is the pinnacle of offense to her affair. IF she ever comes out of the fog she will someday respect you greatly for making that stand for your marriage. If she ends up divorced from you, she will eventually pine for a man that can live up to your standard of love and concern for her. She will NEVER find it. YOU are God's perfect choice for her. No one else.

You did great tonight.

You are what every woman dreams of having...a hero who will fight for her.

How sad that your WW is so lost that she would rather be w/ a guy who admits he isn't willing to do the right thing b/c he "likes her."

I think you ought to memorize this quote so you can repeat its essence to your FIL and to any other person who suggests you did the wrong thing by exposing...

"If she ends up divorced from you, she will eventually pine for a man that can live up to your standard of love and concern for her. She will NEVER find it. YOU are God's perfect choice for her. No one else."

~ Marsh

Post deleted by Jayban

JB,

More often that not, waywards affair down. Remember that the affair is all about self. No wayward wants an OP who is high maintenance. The waywards want to be maintained themselves.

Jay, it's funny because that's like the exact same thing that my OM said.

- Uh, it's been over between you two for a long time.

- She didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt you.

- I really like her and care about her.

- Even if I did stop seeing her (which I'm not going to) she would still leave you.

- I didn't do anything wrong, you two were already done.

- You are making an *ss of yourself by exposing, and you'll regret it when you calm down.

We need to set up a thread where we compile all the stuff that OM say when they are confronted. It's from the same script as well. He will not stop pursuing your WW, but he'll feel pressured to back off a little bit in public.

Jim, I think starting that thread would be a good idea, as I am going through my experiance it was helpfull to know that there is a script being used by WS and OP - not just in my case.

Your marriage was already over

Don't you want her to be happy

If you loved her you would let her go

You didnt make her happy

Face it your done

We didn't mean for this to happen

--- It's all so similar

Jay, you did very well and all the garbage he was spewing is probably what your WW told him to keep him around. I think that ManInMotion was right in that you can't appeal to the OP honor since they don't have any. If he did he wouldn't be involved with a married woman.

He is a 21 year old kid who doesn't know a thing about love, marriage or family so don't be concerned with what he says. Mr.W is right, this R will be too much trouble for him so don't expect him to stick around.

Well done!

Actually, I think the idea that any WS or OP would have "honor" is completely ludicrous. Honor is something they have to work at regaining (and it will take a long time for them to do so) when they finally decide to add an "F" to their status.

I think that if you want to get really through to an OP, you need to activate their basic survival instinct (perhaps the only thing baser and more primitive than the A-addiction), and one of the best ways to do that is via exposure to all parties that can adversely affect the A. Once it becomes VERY uncomfortable for this 21 year old student to keep carrying on an A with a faculty member, it will stop.

Jay, just a couple of notes:

1) OM screwed up and admitted that this has been going on for a while. You might want to contact him again to pull more infor out of him. OM is how I found out my WW's EA was actually a PA. I basically told him, "I know what you and WW did together," and then he totally spilled the beans and defended his actions. My WW was not happy that he gave her up so easily. This intel can be directly relayed back to FIL.

2) You can play around with OM's head. Next time you see OM you can say something like, "Thanks alot, now I have to get tested for STDs. When he dismissed it, you can mention that you were intimate with your WW up until she moved out (which is partially true, you had sex around Christmas). OM like to think that your WW is exclusive to them.

Talk to OM's parents. If you pressure him enough eventually he will think your WW is not worth his while. If you can't find his parents' number, email me his name, and I bet you I find it within 30 minutes. It took me about 5 minutes to find my OM's parents.

Interesting dialogue. You kept amazingly cool - not sure I could have done that. You are definately not a procrastinator.

Do you think a 31 yr old student will listen to his parents or if the parents even care ?

I think showing the tapes to the FIL with both sides of the conversation and how well you handled it may go a long way.

Seems to me that the exposure phase is near complete. What about getting support from your own family now ? Especailly as it relates to your daughter. I am thinking that should be your priority now while the exposure does its work.

What do others here say ? just my thoughts.

If his parents are like mine, they would tell me not to bring the wh*re to their house. They wouldn't talk to me as long as I was continuing to see WW. If OM wants to keep seeing WW because he thinks she is "the one," it can cause problems if his family will never accept her. It is just another area where pressure can be applied. Is it enough by itself to get him to end it? Probably not, but the sum of all the exposure may make him decide that Jay's WW is not worth the hassle (especially if he loses his job).

Post deleted by Jayban

In their world - it was sneaky to hire a PI to locate your family incl DD as you see your DD's grades collapse.

I hope you point out to them that not knowing where WW & DD are residing and the sneakly behavior by the parties is what brought the PI in the first place.

I am sure you have pointed this out.

You are the responsible parent - the IL facilitated your WW affair. I just don't get the mentality.

Post deleted by Jayban