You're doing so great Jay.

If my BS would have handled my A like you've handled this one we may be still married.

Post deleted by Jayban

Jay,

You need to quit being so pessimistic. I see so much hope in your situation. You need to learn to have hope as well. Put yourself in God's hands. He won't let you down regardless of the outcome. If you need more guidance, call Dr. Harley on his radio show. Most importantly, read some of the stories of posters who's marriages have been saved. People like Maybe2Late, MywifeIlove, the Wonderings, etc. Have you even read the thread of Silentlucidity? She just ended plan B after 4 months, and it looks like she is on the road to recovery. I'll put money on this. If you and your WW aren't recovering (or recovered) two years from now, it is because YOU gave up and decided to move on. Now it is nothing against you if that's what you decide to do, but you should realize that you will be the one to make the decision whether or not she is worth fighting for. Once your WW ends her A, she WILL want to come back to you, it is just a question of whether or not you have already moved on. I'm serious, that's what I truly believe. Sixteen years of history is hard to walk away from once withdrawal from the addiction is over. She won't be addicted to OM forever.

These are the qualities that will make you more attractive and subsequently give your M a chance. Keep working on yourself and remember it WILL get better.

The great thing about the MB principles is it gives the BS a plan and once completed, you will be better for it no matter what happens in your M.

No need to look far for hope around here just look at Mortarman's case. He has been fighting for his M for +5 years now and just when he thought it was truly over...his W came out of the fog. There is always hope as long as one spouse continues to try.

HTW

Post deleted by Jayban

There is no need to compete with a single lifestyle, you are not competing for anything or anyone, you are providing a light and path for your WW to come back to you and the family. You are not chasing her, you are offering her a life with you. I know your wounds are so fresh and there are several things that will continue to trigger it.

I had a trigger last night with my WW, I dropped of the kids at her house and she was standing in the door on her cell phone, not I know it was most likely her mother, but in my mind it was either the OM or a new guy and the thoughts just swelled up and ragged in my head, I couldn't turn away and not look at her in the door welcoming the girls home and being on the phone, that was the main instrument of the A.

This is true Jay because this is what my now husband went through. He was the BS in his marriage. He went to marriage counseling on his own and read all kinds of books to figure out what he'd done to put the marriage at risk for an affair.

Let me tell ya, I've reaped the benefit of all of that counseling and reading and looking deep into himself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by Jayban

Jay, besides MB, my family and some close friends helped me get through the worst of times. Don't be afraid to seek their help and support as that is what they are there for.

I know it's hard at this time, but try to eat, sleep and excersie. The eating and sleeping you can't really control so exercise when you get a chance to relieve some stress and help you regain some appetite. It will also assist in getting you some sleep.

Just a suggestion

But does your DD15 have a break from school soon.

In the midwest and east the kids get a mid-winter break about Feb 16 to Feb 25.

If your daughter has such a break...maybe delay the trip IF she would consider taking it with you over such break.

Longshot I know....but you could try.

Peace

Mr. Wondering

Post deleted by Jayban

I don't have much to add to what I said yesterday other than to get with a lawyer and see if you can prevent OM from coming into contact with your DD. I know once the papers are filed, you can probably do that, but I don't know about now.

Don't worry about FIL, he's probably reading all your info and giving it time to digest. This A will end, it is just a question of how long and if you will reconcile once it is over.

I hope some of the other vets will check again. I personally think you need to Plan A her a bit more.

What about asking her out on a date???

I completely agree and have posted this on your other thread Jay. Stay in Plan A for now because if you go to Plan B right now it won't be as effective. Just lay low and let exposure do its thing then you Plan A her.

Don't put the cart before the horse.

You can plan A even if you are separated and divorce is pending. On your time off, please read LilSis' thread. She is implementing the perfect plan A given her situation, and it is really starting to work. Now she is a BW plan Aing her WH, but you can still learn a few things about the proper way to handle your situation. You have plenty of time to plan for plan B, but I think you need to focus most of your energy now on developing and employing a good plan A.

Did you talk to Dr. Harley today?

Ah, I missed him. I just came out of an interview I was conducting for a candidate in my office. Tomorrow I shall try to contact Dr. Harley, this is right time to do so.

I'll look into LilSis's plan asap.

Post deleted by Jayban

No, don't say that. Don't put her in the position to defend OM, she most certainly will. It will make it a "us against them" sitch more than it is.



You don't have to mention talking to OM - let her if she wants to. Stay on script if she does though. You talked to OM to try to put an end to this A. You are working on your M and such as this. There is no room in a M for 3 people.



I think you should tell her you are leaving. What if she needs to get in touch with you about your DD? You are still a respectful person even if she isn't at the moment.

I would like to add the OM does not deserve any respect from you...NONE! So I addressed him as "f*#$face" or "scumbag" when talking to my WW. She hated it and because of the intense loathing I had for him I refused to even call him by his first name name. It still bothers me and now at best I would refer to OM as "him" or "he".

I think when a BS calls the OP by first name he is showing way too much respect for the OP and helps WS legitimze their A. OP deserves NO respect from the BS in my opinion.

I agree call him mr x, don't degrade him but don't prop him up either. He is an object not a person....

I would also remind you its not about him, about competing with him or comparing yourself to him.

Its about you, it about Jay being the lighthouse.

One point someone made long time ago and I found it to be true... when your talking to her or anyone, your body posture tells more about you than your words. If you say I want our marriage and your there with your arms crossed and standing like a big o indian chief, that conveys a aggressive stance. Just stand there with your hands relaxed to the side, maybe behind your back.

If you do interview you have seen how people sit when they are talking about skills they don't have but have written on their resume, its much different than a person that knows what they are talking about and is comfortable.

Be comfortable jay