Background first. Pre marriage wife unfaithful while engaged I didn’t find out till after marriage and first child on the way. Decided I could deal with it, because she let me assume that it wasn’t consensual on her part. 7 years ago wife starts going to lunch etc. with guy she was with while we where engaged. Wife comes up pregnant guy splits wife swears my kid she didn’t do anything with guy sexually. I accept her at her word, but have found out it was consensual before marriage. This ways on my mind for some time, but I forgive.

About 4 years ago third child born and the wife goes into depressed state. Over the next year I found it harder and harder to deal with her mood swings and everything else. About 3 years ago I had a one night stand with a coworker. (mess up 1) Felt really really bad told the coworker nothing was going to come of it. She left town left state out of my life have never talked to her again. Didn’t tell the wife about the affair figured I’d be better off dealing with the guilt on my own. Started smoking again, about a month later wife finds cigarettes big fight over that. I finally tell wife she needs to get help for post partum depression. She does all goes well never told wife about affair. Deal with the guilt or so I think.

Got my priorities messed up let Family and God fall behind Job. Quit talking to wife about things because I didn’t want to start a fight every time. I didn’t understand where she was coming from started asking questions of female coworkers and acquaintances to try to understand things from her perspective. I know now this was a mistake too. 5 months ago I start talking to a new coworker she is also married and having problems. (here comes mess up 2) 4 months ago Coworker having work problems wants my opinion on things. I go by to go to sit down over coffee with her, coworker not ready to leave house yet. I get invited inside to wait while she finishes getting ready to go, mistake. I go in I give her a hug, turns into kiss, turns into sex. I’m horrified that I did it again. About a week and a half later decide I have to tell my wife. Decided telling her I was leaving her was the best route, because I figured that once she knew there was no chance for our marriage. That night surprise instead of things flying at my head I get “lets move away, quit your job, lets do whatever to work it out” Go to sleep without committing, another mistake. Next day wife goes to parents for the day I talk to minister. I go to tell wife at her parents I want to work things out. When I get there I get me and kids are moving into mom’s. I leave on and I came here to commit to trying to work things out turn and walk away. Mistake should have tried to talk about things right there, hindsight is 20-20.
So wife’s moved out but wants to work on things. Get a call at 1 am her and husband had big fight needs a place to stay. I tell her she can use the couch. She didn’t stay on the couch comes to bedroom sometime before 3 am while I am sleeping (didn’t think to lock the door). Next morning wife calls, early, going to bring kids 3 and 4 to the house to see me and talk about things. I tell her this is not a good time. She comes over anyway sees car in drive comes in big fight I failed to defend either of them, mistake should have defended wife over comments made. That was the last time I touched coworker. Wife files for divorce. Coworker gets moved to another location with my prodding. Two weeks later wife and I start talking again. I beg her to drop the divorce continually. 12/23/06 Wife commits to dropping divorce on the 26th. I meet coworker and tell her I can’t contact her anymore have to break off any relations. Tell wife about meeting 12/24/06 over phone her and kids went to her grandmothers for Christmas. Wife drops commitment to stop divorce because of contact by me telling coworker to leave me alone. 12/25/06 coworker shows up at my house with a Christmas present. I send her away and spend Christmas alone and miserable. I have a very long and needed conversation with God get back to right with him and download a book on surviving an affair. Wife is still talking to me at least at this point. Tell her about coworker showing up and me sending her away. Tell her I’m willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage. She hands me a borrowed copy of “his needs her needs” I read it over the next few days. It shows me many of the things we both where doing wrong that led up to both mess ups. Wish I would have seen it 10 years ago when we got married.

I have in the last month and a half changed my priorities, put in notice at work, tried to schedule thing to be able to spend time with wife and kids. Set up marriage counseling which I am hopeful will help. Started giving her my entire schedule including calling or emailing immediately any changes that happen to come up. Apologized to her and her family, Changed my phone number and had the coworker restricted so she can’t even come to the location where I am working until after my notice is up and I’m gone. Offered to sell the house and move with her any where she wants and started looking for a new job. She’s still living with her parents. Biggest issue there is that her mom doesn’t want her to work things out. Told me to my face she never wanted her to marry me in the first place. And that the only time I’m to be at there house is to pick up or drop off the kids. Her mom gives her problems every time we communicate outside of the agreed on time for me to contact the kids. Her family will not watch the kids in order for us to spend time together to work on things. Which has made setting anything up next to impossible because of financial constraints with me trying to continue to pay the bills and give wife money so she doesn’t feel as if she is just begging off of her parents. Wife states that she is not ready to move back into the house with me and doesn’t feel that she will ever be able to live in that house again. The only contact I have had with the coworker in this time was when she has tried to contact me and every time I’ve told her to leave me alone and hung up. Then told the wife so I wasn’t hiding anything.

My problem is that I’m giving my wife my entire schedule access to absolutely everything all passwords to email, electronic phone bills, electronic bank statements etc. But she won’t start checking things to see that I am being truthful. How do I get her to start checking up on what I’m doing? I know it takes time to rebuild trust, but she will never be able to trust me again if she doesn’t check up on me first to make sure I’m doing what I say I am. Or is this just a matter of wait it out until she finally decides to check however long that may be?

Many thanks in advance to any help.

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

I think I would work on my boundaries. You never should be talking to any co-workers about marriage problems, let alone let them stay with you.

Right now, you need to concentrate on getting a job, so your family will be taken care of. This stuff takes lots of time, and it is still very early.

Just like it took you time to see the light it will take your wife time too.

The only thing you can do is remain consistent in your actions. You must give your wife time to sort through her emotions. It's not as simple for the BS as WS's seem to think it should be.

Your wife is feeling tons of conflicting emotions that likely change at the drop of a dime all day every day. For a BS something as simple as an off color joke about infidelity can send them spiraling into depression.

I know that her staying with her parent's sucks but I don't think that will prevent the two of you from getting back together again as long as you continue to try and show her that you are serious about changing.

I would stop pressing her to move back in. I would just make it known that your home is her home and that when she is ready you will be more than happy to have her return.

Truthfully though, she is 100% within her rights to divorce you if she decides that is what she wants. You label your actions as mistakes and they were that, mistakes, but at the same time you seem to be using that word as an excuse.

Sorry I don’t buy it and it’s unlikely that your BS will either. Nothing makes a BS angrier than a wandering spouse who does not want to take full 100% responsibility for their choices. Yes, I know that there were issues in the marriage that led up to the infidelities and I also know that your BS has a role in this (not filling EN’s, LB etc) but it’s not 50/50 here it’s each person taking 100% responsibility for their actions.


You willfully and purposefully choose to break your marital vows time and again. I don't believe that things "just happen" you made a CHOICE to be unfaithful, you made a choice to continue contact with OW even after you promised not to.

Nothing ever just happens, when that woman came to your house to spend the night you knew that your wife would be hurt beyond belief if she found out but you made the decision that OW feelings and your feelings were more important than your wife's feelings.

You may have buried that thought deep down inside but it was there and you CHOSE to ignore it. So now you have to live with the choices you made.

The choice was YOUR'S so accept responsibility for your actions.

I know I sound like I am picking on you but I am not. I am telling you this so that you know that from here on out that you must live in consciousness.

You may change and she may not change (you can only control you) and things may not work out but if you learn anything from this learn how to be accountable for your mistakes.

I have already started to do this, but it is very nice to know that I am on the right path with it.

I have with her and do take 100% responsibility. I just know that long term and I mean very long term. That I can meet the needs of hers that I wasn't, and her for me if she gives me the chance to.


This statement is incorrect. from the first time I told my BS that I wouldn't contact the OW I have done everything in my power to avoid even the possibility of contact.

I know that now and wish I had realised it years ago. I do very much appriciate the blunt and bold honesty. I need people to me in your face with me instead of beating around the bush. Thank you.

Well so far today was a good day. met wife and 3 of the 4 kids and went grocery shopping. hung out joked some. I just get depressed everytime I think about the fact that I may never come home from work again and her and kids be here. I may never be given the chance to be the husband I should have been all along and wasn't...

Anyway off to work with me.

Ok so I'm not getting much advice from anyone here.. I can understand that after reading some of the other posts.. I don't deserve the advice. I've been reading other peoples post and have discovered that since I got right with God and decided to do whatever it takes to try to save my marriage that I have been feeling the same things as a lot of BS's do.

I need Help that's all there is to it. I need ideas on how to meet her needs for affection and communication when her family doesn't so much as want her to talk to me. I can tell when her family is around if we are talking on the phone by how she interacts with them. She's afraid her talking to me will tick them off and then they will take away the support that they have been giving her.

I tried sending her mom an email saying that I really am willing to do whatever it takes to work things out with my wife. I'm not sure if it backfired or not. Pissed the wife off. Since I'm wearing the other shoe of being the one who had the A not sure that is a good thing. Is there a fog for the BS too? MIL did not respond in any way to me.


I rearranged my schedule at work so that I can hang with her and the kids when her parents are off at work. But doing so caused me to sleep through the alarm clock today and miss going to church. I have to keep my relationship with God strong since it wasn't for so long.

I know there is a need for me to be completely open in order to regain her trust. I think she is telling her parents one thing and me something else. Any suggestions on how to find out?

MC starts Tues. hopefully something there will help. Maybe provide some enlightenment to me as to how to proceed. Wife said she would go to. Hope she doesn't change her mind like she did on dropping the D. Don't think I should pressure her on dropping it? I'm trying not to have relationship talks with her, but not sure if this is the right approach, once again her being the BS.

Do I bring up moving away repeatedly or just let her know I'm willing and think it might be the best idea if we could move away together.

I am currently trying to meet her EN's from a distance (very hard). Do I randomly do things for her family since they seem to be against us working on things or do I just stick to trying to meet her EN's?

I'll come to the rescue since you are having trouble getting responses.

You need to plan A the parents just like your wife. Don't push to hard, but always be friendly, try to engage them, and do nice things for them as well. Is MIL's birthday coming up? Get her a nice present. Plan A her family like you would you spouse.

You need to cut off all contact with the OW completely. Your biggest mistake was letting the OW crash at your place. What were you on crack? It's going to be a long time to recover from that one. This OW should mean nothing to you. She is just as guilty in all of this as you are. She is a terrible person to sleep with a married man, and she tried again. Any interaction with her is an attempt for her to get together with you. Don't fall for it or feel a sense of owing her something because you slept with her. She's a big girl. She knew what she was getting into, sleeping with a married man. If you still work with OW you need to find another job. Show your W that you are actively searching for another job.

As far as MC, you need to own up to your mistakes but let her know that you are willing to do anything it takes to save your M and keep your family together...ANYTHING! You need to be completely open and honest with her about anything she asks. Hopefully she asks about the night that OW spent the night, and you can tell her that you were trying to be nice because you felt you owed her something after sleeping with her, but she just tried to sleep with you again, but you refused. Tell her you were an idiot for having her over, and are completely cutting off all contact with you because you owe her nothing, you owe everything to your W and children.

DO NOT LAY ANY BLAME ON YOUR W WHATSOEVER! DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES! BE COMPLETELY OPEN AND HONEST!

Your W WANTS to reconcile with you, but she is afraid to get hurt again. Don't freak out if she tells you that she wants a divorce. I told my WW I wanted a D for a few days after D-day, but I kept trying to save our M even after she continue to see OM. Just try and as much time with her as she will let you, and focus on meeting her ENs. Be a super husband. Do things for your kids, fix some stuff around the house, just concentrate on being the best husband from this day forward. That way, when she takes you back, you have months of practice to get ready for her return. Build some good habits. Continue to improve yourself and read up on Dr. Harley's concepts. I think you'll get through this, but you need to have patience and determination.

so up until this point, your BW thinks you are sincere ... that you want to and will behave in ways that make the marriage SAFE for her

.... then ....


.... you changed your mind and decided to behave in ways that make the marriage very UNsafe for your wife .... you invite OW into the marriage HOME ....

.... then ....


.... into the marriage BED ...




I absolutely do not believe you ... me a complete stranger does not believe your weak rationalization (AKA lie)....

the violation of your wife's HOME and your wife's BED was voluntary on your part

trying to make it less than voluntary makes you dangerous to your wife's safety and security and sanity

until you show more willingness to be completely honest, the responses you'll get here will be rather like this one.... brusque

most of us are pretty sensitive and can smell horse manure from a long distance ... and the "didn't think to lock the door" smells to high heaven

Take care

Pep

helping you out here by calling you out on your own horse manure

... your tag line ...



... the word ignorance is soft-soaping what you did ... what you are ....

you were NOT ignorant of the following things

1. adultery one time is wrong
2. adultery 2 times is even more wrong
3. your wife was hurt after adultery #1
4. you were aware (not ignorant) that adultery #2 would push the knife deeper into her being
5. you knew (were not ignorant) that married OW was willing to commit adultery with you
6. you knew (were not ignorant) that your wife would be hurt & furious that you invited OW into her HOME
7. you were not ignorant of the fact that OW had no business calling you in the middle of the night

so claiming that you are where you are now (in the sh*tter) ... is " through my own ignorance" ... is blatently FALSE

so

if you own up
become REAL
maybe, just maybe

you will get some help here

Pep

your current tag line


[color:"red"] I have destroyed my world through my own ignorance. Now I hope that I am given the chance to try to rebuild it.
[/color]

a more insightful and honest tag line

[color:"blue"] I have destroyed my world through my own selfish decisions and my lies . Now I hope that I am given the chance to try to rebuild it, by first being brutally honest with MYSELF
[/color]

Another thing... you might want to look into a paternity test. It seems that twice you expressed concern over your wife's unfaithfulness, and that you are unsure of who that father of the children are. That might be useful for you in deciding what to do from here on out.

Would you be so committed to your marriage if you discovered that none of 'your' children are actually yours biologicaly?

Now is NOT the time to bring this up. This can be discussed at a later date, but this seems like you are laying blame on her. I would recommend against bringing this up.

Your marriage began under horrible circumstances brought to you by your wife. You obviously have hsotility towards her based on this stuff and since you do not know if the child is yours I would insist on a paternity test.

Pep is right that you are not an innocent in this... you KNEW exactly what you were doing and were not ignorant to the potential consequences. The question is why would you behave this way? I think the answer most likely would be a combination of a lack of character on your part as well as some feeling about what happened with your wife and her OM. The fact that your wife would lie and say she was raped... and by the way, that is what she said happened...says she has some serious psychological issues. The fact that she later got together with this person screams that you both have some serious issues of appropriate boundaries in your "marriage."
Many here will tell you that your wifes actions have no part in this. I think that is blatantly false. YOU have no excuse for what you have done. YOU are truly the only one responsible for your actions. YOU need to change to become a better father... and for the record, both of you have been horrible parents up until this point based on your actions!!!!
But there is no doubt in my mind that the fact that your marriage began as a lie and that your wife most likely screwed around AFTER you were married played a part in your feelings. How you dealt with those feelings is the mistake.
I would suggest that you call the Harley's and ask your wife to join you in a conference call. It is time for your wife and you to come totally clean about all of the sleletons in your respective closets... HOLDING NO SECRETS BACK... and to develop a plan as to how to save your marriage together. You are a cheater. Your wife is a cheater. Both of you have cheated your children out of the family they deserve.
You will find help here and I think it is important that you both get IC to get to the root of your obvious problems. The Harley's can give you a blueprint for MC and beyond. Time for you to man up and take the first step in being the hero for your family. Your W needs to also be accountable for her actions since they have played such a crucial role in running this marriage off course.
As far as the suggested paternity test... I would ask you to consider if it is important for you to know the answer to this question.... if it is, do it. If it isn't... I would focus solely on the marriage at this point.
And one last piece of advice for you and your wife...grow up... you are parents now with a responsibilty far greater than you have owned up to.
Good luck to you both.

If paternity is an issue for him... if it is...it needs to be addressed. And do not assume that just because others will take everything that has happened into account that it is blaming his W. It is merely recognizing that there is much to this equation that needs to be addressed. Pizza is 100% responsible for his actions.

I stated that, because it looked like it got overlooked. It is extremely significant. HOW MANY BS' stayed because of the kids? How many WS tried to stay because of the kids? I say it is a much larger factor than people want to acknowledge. Especially given this situation, it is important for him to be informed. Now, if the children carries along many of his physical characteristics, then he probably has a certain amount of confidence already...but, the way his post states, I think he is uncertain, and apparently, rightfully so. I say, you know what, now IS the time to bring the issue up. Who really cares if his WIFE who is leaving him who has admitted to an affair around the time of his conception of his child....

I guess I was in the fog I've read about.

Got my boss to ship her to a location across town and forbid here from coning to this one. Then I put in a Long notice so I had time to look. Didn't want to walk and take away what support I could give to the wife and kids financially.
I have and continue to.

I have taken full responsibility.

She filed 11/21/06 and has refused to drop it so far everytime I bring up stopping the Divorce she say's I'm pressuring her and stressing her out but she has agreed to drag her feet on it as much as possible.

Thank you for the advice.

dr

Well then, don't pressure her. Let her know that even after the ink dries on the divorce papers you still are not giving up on the marriage, so you are just trying to save you two some money. Say it with a little humor and make her smile. Let her know you understand how she feels.

... the word ignorance is soft-soaping what you did ... what you are ....

you were NOT ignorant of the following things

1. adultery one time is wrong
2. adultery 2 times is even more wrong
3. your wife was hurt after adultery #1
4. you were aware (not ignorant) that adultery #2 would push the knife deeper into her being
5. you knew (were not ignorant) that married OW was willing to commit adultery with you
6. you knew (were not ignorant) that your wife would be hurt & furious that you invited OW into her HOME
7. you were not ignorant of the fact that OW had no business calling you in the middle of the night

so claiming that you are where you are now (in the sh*tter) ... is " through my own ignorance" ... is blatently FALSE
[/quote]

I do not claim that the A was out of Ignorance. I was ignorant to what EN's where and therefore set my priorities in a place that allowed me to become morally bankrupt for a while. I made choices that where wrong. Period.

I started down the road that has led to where I am years before the A by my own Ignorance.

Now I have awaken to a nightmare of my own making.

I am now doing everything in my power to work on my marriage.

Any suggestions to that point would be appreciated.

DR

I am sure my kids are mine, I need no test to tell me one way or the other. I relearned to trust my wife years ago.

MEDC,

Thank you for your advice.

I no longer hold any hostility toward my wife for what happened before the marriage I just brought that up as background because of reading other posts and seeing things come out later in them that may have helped before. W says nothing other then convo was involved in the contact after marriage I believe her. I did not have an A because of my wife’s past. I had an A because I allowed myself to become morally bankrupt and made choices on those grounds. I have since reconciled with God and gotten my morals and priorities back on track. Something the W did long ago.

I am 100% responsible for my actions I won’t claim otherwise.

Now I just want advice on how I can win her back.

DR