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Joined: Jun 2006
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I am considering informing the OW's husband. However, do i need to be concerned with my husband's physical safety? Has anyone had any experiences where telling the Other Person's spouse resulted in physical harm to their own spouse? While I hate what my husband has done, there will be even less chance of reconciliation if he is missing a few teeth!

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There is a chance that he just might but in most cases he will not. Now if you know for certain that the OW's BS is a maniac or a professional wrestler on steroids then I might not say anything. I doubt that this scenario fits your circumstances though and he does have a right to now. Besides the more the affair is exposed the less likely that it will last or will be re-started if it has ended.

Anyway, if you think about it, your hubby was willing to take the chance of having his a** kicked when he started messing with another man's wife. So why should he be shletered from the consequences of his actions? Stop protecting him and let him deal with the reality he has created.

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I told OW's husband. he did not kick fws's [censored], though he should have, and at the time- I didnt care if he did!

You must do this! It is part of exposure. THIS is the KEY factor in ending contact b/w OW and FWS. There were 2 watchdogs at all times. They were still talking wayyy after I found out, but exposing A to OW's husband- that's what cut the cord.

Do it- TODAY!!!!

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I told OW's H yesterday... he has matured alot since the last time I saw him 7+ yrs ago... he did tell me that if he caught them being flagrant he might have to kick my wh's a$$.. I told him I completely understood, but to please dont do permanant damage, and dont either one of them get arrested...lol... In return I told him that a$$ whoppin wasnt in my plans either, but if the situation warranted it, I might seriously consider it as an option with his WW as well... he said he didnt have a problem with it either.
OW's H called my WH last night... I dont know what was said as I was hiding in the bathroom praying at the time... lol... It was a very brief coversation though!! Of course my WH was VERY angry with me... but, I know from being here that he follows the script pretty closely. I pretended like nothing was wrong and went out for pizza with a girl friend...(pre-planned escape ;o) WH was much calmer when I got home, and actually managed to grunt a one syllable response to a question I asked him...lol. Go for it.. but see if you can get your OW's H to have some sembalance of self control first. Ask him to not do permanent damage, and you might mention the jail thing as a reminder... just my .02cents worth... I did tell ow's h that I thought a nasty phone call would go a long ways to discourage further contact between the adulterous. Hope I was right... time will tell, I will keep ya posted. but do consider it. SAS.

PS. I told ow's H , but asked him to come outside and talk with me, I didnt want his children to know, I think he appreciated that too.

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"Anyway, if you think about it, your hubby was willing to take the chance of having his a$$ kicked when he started messing with another man's wife. So why should he be sheltered from the consequences of his actions? Stop protecting him and let him deal with the reality he has created.

Yes, exactly...

Consequences...perhaps IF more of the wayward considered the CONSEQUENCES, there'd be fewer affairs. I'm a large advocate of fear as a deterent. Let's see if the wayward is as bold in their disrespect to their affair partners spouse as they were behind closed doors.

Tell OW's husband ASAP...

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Thanks for your responses everyone.

I don't have her husbands number and they don't have the same surname so I can't actually contact him without the expense of a private investigator after all.
However, I bluffed and sent her a text saying that I am going to tell him and if that doesn't stop the affair then I will inform her employers too, because this is destroying my family. She begged me not to tell her husband and told me she would resign and I do believe her.
My husband panicked at this and it seems to have jarred him out of the fog and says he is willing to do anything to fix this.
While cautiously optimistic (2 D-days over a 2 year span), I want to know if i have done enough if indeed she does leave in the next month? We also have plans to leave the country in the next 6 months. Have I done enough???

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Quote
However, I bluffed and sent her a text saying that I am going to tell him and if that doesn't stop the affair then I will inform her employers too, because this is destroying my family. She begged me not to tell her husband and told me she would resign and I do believe her.
My husband panicked at this and it seems to have jarred him out of the fog and says he is willing to do anything to fix this.

Two things:

1. I suspect that such threats really don't work in the long run. You've basically shown your hand and, depending how far your WH and that OW are gone in their A, they may find a way around it.

2. No matter what, the OWH deserves to know the truth about the person that he's married to. You could give the OW the option of telling him herself, but she's likely to lie about the extent of the A, if she tells him at all.

WSs lie, cheat and deceive. It comes with the territory. Don't trust any promises made by a WS and, as long as there's contact, they remain a WS.


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I wish i had someone to tell. My wife is seeing an available man. :P

Maybe i can tell on his mommy and daddy? lol

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Butterfly:

Why Not?

Do you think they would like thier Son more? or Less?

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1000W,

I threatened, blackmailed and even befriended the OW, thinking it would deter her. My WH hand-wrote another NC letter when we discovered she thought I had written the first emailed one 3 months prior.

I called the MB radio show and Dr. and Mrs. Harley said that one of the best (possibly the only) way to end the affair was to expose to the OPS. (And the only reason to expose was to end the affair.)

In my case it was optional, but I did it for other reasons listed on one of my threads Sorry I don't know how to link.

At the Harley's suggestion, I sent the OW a letter to give her H, and also told her I would call him in a week to confirm. Fear for my H's safety was a consideration but we live across the country so that helped.

Also, it's better not to threaten or blackmail, but my sitch was different due to timing.

After I sent her HNHN, Torn Asunder, and excerpts from Dr. Dobson's Anatomy of Adultery, she sassed me...saying "it will do no one any good to call my H because he already knows the truth and I have nothing to hide."

(Don't know why I expected her to be appreciative of the opportunity to tell him herself but .....well....all WWs lie.) Don't believe her. She's probably bluffing you back or lying outright.

I called OW H at work the next morning to confirm that if I sent a confidential package about the A his wife told him about with my H, that he would receive it and it would not be opened by a secretary. I could tell by his tone that she had not told him (Uhhhhhh....Oooo K???)

You might try the links on my thread to find him. (GQII,1/21 "Need Help finding OW H and exposure strategy.") It may cost to hire a PI, but what's your marriage worth?

My trust was built when we exposed, not only by the exposure itself (and the potential for extra 'eyes'), but by my FWH support and cooperation during the agonizing process. It could be a test of your H's sincerety to really do what it takes to end the affair and rebuild your trust.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Hi,

How bizarre that this thread was picked up again today after a long period of silence; I was logging in today to ask how I go about telling a stranger something this horrible. “Hi, you don’t know me, but your wife sure knows my husband reaaalllly well!”

I have in the interim paid to have OWH traced and am expecting results in a few weeks. So I have some time to gather the courage to actually go through with this.

I’m fairly certain that so for there has been no further contact between my husband and OW and that it is unlikely that things will start up again. But I would like an extra pair of eyes if I am completely honest. My husband has been very co-operative for which I am very grateful, although I know for sure he would prefer me not to expose and I am still concerned for his safety.

On some levels I would prefer to just leave things as they are but I feel terrible having such life-changing information about someone and not sharing it. IwishIwish someone had told me what was going on, and I can’t knowingly keep him in the dark - it’s such a horrible thing to do to someone. I know how it feels!

How do I do this kindly? Is it better to phone or write?
What do you say? How much information do you give? Do you make yourself available to verify information he might receive from his wife?

Yuck. What a mess. This all makes me feel sick.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond; it’s always appreciated.


BW 32
WH 32
2 cute kids
Together 15 years
DD #1 27/4/05
VERY FALSE RECOVERY
DD #2 28/1/07
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1000w,

If I can find them, I'll bump some delayed exposure threads for you.

Last month I was in similar shoes and I got passionate postings on both positions of the issue.

We "chose to expose"; we did not "choose to excuse". To not expose is to excuse the behavior. Others can shed much light on the subject as you'll see from my threads.

As for how we went about it, it seems like it depends on what your PI finds. If you can get his work number, you can call him at work to confirm he will receive a package and not an assistant. (Forwarding incriminating emails is not as effective in my opionin as they can be edited and resent by anyone.)

Our sitch was a little different as I mentioned. Do you have any solid proof of the liaisons? I had cards and letters in OW's handwriting that suggested sexual innuendo and plans for their future together.

Those items gave me confidence to call him and give him information that I (and you) would want someone to tell you/us. It would have been difficult for me without the proof to expose 6 months after NC.

If you want to know my complicated specific 'blow by blow' exposure process after you read these threads, let me know.

Ace

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Found threads in GQII. One is "Lousy Golfer, you helped our marriage get unstuck" and the other is "Thank you All (thoughts on delayed exposure to OPS)".

Sorry I didn't know how to move or link them....gotta learn that soon.

Hope that helps.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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If my WH is flinging with someone who has a boyfriend in jail and a husband who left her, how can I plan A her? My family and his family already know about what happened between us, from what I understand everyone at his job knows he left me for another woman, yet they still manage to see each other when he picks her up and takes her to work. They seem to not care at all about what they are doing, so I may have to Plan B him...I dunno:(


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