Where do I start? My man and I have been a couple for 10 years, most of the time happily in love. We are not married but since we live in Sweden, our status as co-habiter is basically the same as a married couple. We were quite young when we met but two years ago we decided that we would try for a baby.

After many months of trying we went to an infertility clinic. They found a minor problem and we received help. But in the meanwhile I had become depressed and went through personality changes. I was simply not myself, I was aggressive towards my man and none of us were happy. This happened during the summer 2006.

In September my man received a love letter from a woman at his work. From what he has told me, he had not even noticed her before but he instantly fell in love. He told me about it a few weeks later after he had kissed her once. He broke up with me in one day and moved out of our house to a friends place, only packing some clothes.

From the start I tried to talk to him and tell him that we were having a crisis and that even though I was upset I wanted to try to work on our relationship. Initially he behaved completely mad, he was sometimes angry with me, sometimes crying, he told me that he was so much in love with the OW that he could not think of anything else and he even said that he was not rational and logical. After a few weeks he started to behave more normal and we started going to marriage counselling. It turned out that he had seen the OW quite a lot during the mad weeks and they had slept with each other. I was upset about that (to be honest I was furious and burst out when I heard it) but I told him that I loved him and that I could forgive him. He stopped seeing the OW and I thought that we could work things out. Then suddenly things turned even madder.

You see, the OW is married with two children, age 1 and 3 years. My man told me about that from the start and it made me extremely surprised. But I was even more surprised when my man told me that the OW had told him that she was having a divorce. I called up the OW husband and asked him what he knew. He said that he knew that his wife had fallen in love with a man at her work but she had decided to stand up for their marriage and family and was doing everything she could to avoid the OM (i.e. my man). I told him what I knew (I did not say anything about kisses or sex, it did not seem right to do that). The next day he called me and said that everything I had told him was true and he had thought that I was lying the day before.

Now my man says that he wants to see the OW and he has chosen her instead of me. I am still sure that it is nothing real. His feelings (and maybe her feelings too) appeared in a time when he was unhappy and wanted something to make him happy again and their relation is based on betrayal and lies which I believe will not lead to anything good. I still doubt that the OW will divorce her husband and even if she does, I don't think that she can start a relation with my man with two small children to take care of.

My question is what I should do now. I have read about plan A and plan B but this affair has passed those stages. The last weeks I have started to ignore my man and he does not like it! I don't call him and when he comes to our home I just talk to him about practical issues and avoid chatting with him and he stands there staring at me, trying to keep eye contact. I have been thinking that maybe a part of this is some kind of defiance. The more I tried to keep us together the more he wanted to leave and the more I tried to make him not see the OW the more he wanted to see her. I am thinking about implementing a plan A with cosy dinners in our home, beeing a good person but letting him make contact and not giving him attention and simply ignoring the OW. Everyone tells me that this will pass but I think that the more I try to stop him seeing her the more he will want to see her. I read about limerence and it fits in here, my man has said that he has the OW in his head involontarily and in that case the best cure could be to remove any obstacle since obstacles only make limerence more intense.

I am really curious about what is happening with the OW and her husband. I would like to call him again and ask what is happening but I don't want to intrude in their privacy. He told me that he wants to keep their family together and I would like to recommend him to do some reading and maybe join this forum.

EvaSara,

Welcome to MarrigeBuilders.

I think your case is not very different than hundreds of others that have been discussed here. It is not impossible for you to recover your relationship with your husband.

I'm glad you have already read about plan A and plan B, and would very much encourage you to read all the Basic Concepts and to try to figure out what are your husband's most important emotional needs (EN's) - and what are the things which are destroying love in your relationship (called Love Busters or LB's).

It sounds like you have identified your depression as being a factor in this. I would encourage you to get treatment for the depression. Many betrayed spouses find that the affair itself brings on depression - and it is usually advised here that they get from their doctor some anti-depressant medications to help them to cope.

You have definitely done the right thing to contact the OW's husband. I would recommend that you tell him all that you know and keep him updated on that information. He is your best ally in trying to save your marriage.

On the weekends there are not very many people on this forum, so I would recommend that you revisit on Monday to see if you have gotten any response to your post. If you are unfamiliar with on-line forums, this thing which you have created here is called a "thread". It will make it easier for others to follow your situation if you make all of your posts (messages) on this same thread.

I'm not here myself very often so I hope that some other people will pick up your case and help you.

I, by the way, am a 40-something man in USA - now divorced.

-AD

Plan A and B are for your stages not his. Do not think you need to come up with a plan to react to what has happened, you need to come up with a plan to act for yourself.

You act to save your relationship, you act to protect yourself you act to better yourself... if you Wayward then sees these acts as something he was missing or see's how you blossom then he can act to be in your relationship.

I think from what you have said plan A is right for you.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

I had to look up your word limerence. That is a perfect description of what is happening.

Plan A is the place to start. Ignoring him is not the way to go. Also please inform her husband about the truth of their affair.

Your man and the OW will also need to stop working together, so keep that in mind.

your legal status may be "the same as married', but your relationship status isnt.

You might want to think about why you two have never officially committed to each other that way.

Thank you for your replies and welcomes.

_AD_: Yes, I believe that my depression (and possibly that my man was also depressed at the same time) led to this situation. I am currently seeing a counsellor and I am not depressed anymore. It was a strange experience when I started to get better. Six months ago I was depressed and could not believe in a good future although I had no real problems. By November I started to get better and at that time my man had left me. Now I have real problems but since I am not depressed I believe in a good future whatever the outcome of this will be.

I will contact the OW's husband again and ask where they stand now. When I spoke to him he was in shock, his wife was talking about moving out and he was worried about their children and their house. I don't know if he has changed his mind about saving their marriage after what she has done but he seemed to be a reasonable person.

vikingruler: I think you are right when you tell me to act and not react and I also know that I have to try to take care of myself. Can you advice on where I can read more about plan A and B?

believer: I would like to do a plan A, in fact I have been trying to do something similar since October but not knowing exactly what I was doing. I have done some mistakes, I was terribly upset and burst out when he told me that they had slept with each other, and I have also put demands on him about stop seeing the OW, so I would like to know how to handle that. The part about ignoring him is just common sense that people tell me. People who have been in similar situations have told me that once they stopped trying to get him/her back, he/she came running back. My "version" of that would be to let him contact me when he wants to see me (it is not certain that I will be available) and act my best in all ways. He wants to see me; he has been really disturbed when I have not given him any attention.

I am wondering, you did not recognize the word "limerence", but do you recognize the behaviour? From what I understand, limerence is not exactly the same as infatuation, and it is a very unstable emotional state which often ends if/when the limerent person achieves a relation with the limerent object. Obstacles will only make it more intense.

techie: Yes, I get your point! I understand that we have not committed to each other by getting married. We have talked about marriage but we decided that we did not want a wedding and we promised to live together as if we were married. We talked about first having a child and then get married, it may seem strange to you but it is normal here. But it is definitely something to think about, did something keep us from committing to each other? My spontaneous answer would be laziness and a feeling that things were good without it.

A few weeks ago my man had in some way learned that I had spoken to the OW’s husband. I told my man what I had heard. The OW has been lying to her husband, telling him that she was standing up for their marriage at the same as she time was seeing my man frequently. I don’t know if it was a stupid thing to do (talking bad about someone) but I told my man everything. I met him today and we talked for a while. I told him calmly that he does not only hurt me, his actions also have impact on the OW’s husband and their children. He said that he is not responsible for that part and I said that the OW’s husband had told me that she had tried to avoid my man and had rejected him several times. My mans reaction was something like “I didn’t do it, it was her!”. I then said (very calmly) that the OW’s husband had told me that and I did not know what was true and left it to him to figure out what was false. I feel that the OW has been lying a lot and that is (under normal circumstances) very unattractive to my man.

I also asked him today why he prefers her instead of me. He said that he can not explain why but that he does not think that she is a better person than me in any way. The only reason he can give me is that he is in love with her. He said that he thinks they match each other but when I asked him if the two of us don’t match he said that he thinks we match. He can not give me one single reason why he does not want to be with me which makes it quite hard to improve myself in any way. However, I know that he does not like arguments and raised voices so I will try to avoid that. I also know that he likes social and talkative persons which I am under normal circumstances. During my depression I isolated myself and did not want to see people and I think that was very tough on him.

I also told him that I understand that he wanted to run away from us in October, I understand that the summer was a very tough time for us. I said that I was showing the worst sides of my personality during the summer and now he has shown his bad sides to me but we still have our good sides and we can try to work on them. But as long as he is not in love with me that does not really count, sadly enough.

Here is one of my favorite Plan A posts - from Lori

Ok, so you guys do realize that I tend to get wordy and talk WAYYYYY too much and you STILL want me to do this, right? I'm gonna touch on a lotta stuff here. I'd shied away from posting lately, but I've actually been ASKED my opinion!! You guys don't know what a mind-field you've set off here!!

Now, I'm not particularly wise and wonderful, but I can share with you my experiences and feelings, but that's all. And sometimes those feelings don't follow the norm, so be forewarned.

OK, history first, I guess. One Monday, last spring, Robert walked in after work. He leaned over to kiss me and I said "Hi, Honey, I love you." He said, "Hi. I love you, too, but not like I used to - we need to talk." That was my last kiss. And the night of the "I love you but not IN love with you stuff." Also the last "I love you" in any form.

Within a week, he didn't love me at all, couldn't stand the sight of me, our marriage had been a mistake and he wished he had never married me. Knew our relationship had been a mistake since the beginning (TEN YEARS???) and it never should have happened. Kristin (my daughter from my first marriage) didn't care for him at all and never would. His family couldn't stand us and we had ruined his life. He couldn't count the number of times he had wished I had been in an accident and died so that he could be released from these "pits of ******". We had NEVER had a good time, never really cared for each other like we should - he couldn't even remember the fun times. And on and on....All this was news to me! We were the couple that most people envied! We had had a hard couple of years, Mom's cancer, Papa's death, but I had NO idea. I wanted to die.

THEN, he told me about PT. She made him feel WONDERFUL. He finally knew what true love really was and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He adored her 3 year old and she loved him. I had NEVER made him feel this way, we were never meant to be, etc......you know the stuff, right? The knife turned. We've all been there.

So, I came here and lurked. And cried. And couldn't sleep, 30 pounds in 30 days, all the standard stuff. One month later, he left to be with her.

When he left, I didn't know where he was. He didn't contact us, not even Kristin. He spent some time visiting his mom, but eventually, cut away from them as well. She was my greatest strength through this mess. Now, don't get me wrong, she welcomed PT into her home, the whole family did. They were afraid they'd lose Robert if they didn't. His sister called me and told me that Robert was finally happy and I should "move on". (Man, I hate those words, what DO they really mean???) But Mom called me daily once she found out what was going on and tried to spy as much as possible. We've gotten closer than I ever imagined we could be.

PT and Robert set up house. He already had her moved into a new place b/f he left. They opened joint bank accounts, he brought her HERE when I wasn't here to get some of his things, set her up with OUR doctor (she supposedly didn't have one), took her all around OUR town (they lived an hour away) as his girlfriend. Told everyone he ran into that we were through. In VA, you have to be separated for 6 months to get divorced and he said as soon as that time was over, we were done. Taught Leah (PT's daughter) to call him "Daddy". (That hurt worse than ANYTHING, believe it or not.) No financial support whatsoever. Took two vehicles so PT could have one. He called infrequently - when he needed something (until the last month), came by rarely, usually to pick up something or hunt. Didn't give me his address or phone number. Was cold and mean to me - wouldn't talk to Kristin at all hardly (except for once or twice during the whole time.) He was someone I didn't even know.

The first time I posted here, Deb responded first...."You'll be ok, you CAN get through this, there are things you can do." Ok, so there was NO way she could know..I mean, she could NEVER have hurt like I did, loved like I did, been treated as horribly as I was. Ok, I was wrong. She DID know! And she was right - so was everyone else.

I owe my friends here my life. They calmed me down. Showed me I wasn't alone. Cried with me, took deep breaths with me, got me through way too many sleepless nights, laughed with me, and kicked me in the butt and outta feeling sorry for myself when I needed it. I think that was the most important thing of all. And helped me find something to laugh at in the midst of all this mess. I soon discovered I was looking forward to waking every morning.

So, like she said, the rawness eased - the hurt found it's place, continuous sorta, but in it's place. I started paying attention to what people were trying to teach me, got rid of my stubborness and self-righeousness. Ordered books, read, read, read! And started thinking.

You know, Robert couldn't come up with one specific thing about me as a wife that was bad. Even said so himself. But, once I got rid of the old ideas and opened my mind, I COULD!!! I mean, I had worked my butt off to be a good wife, but..... You've heard me say before that he broke the vow of fidelity, but I broke a lot of them too - unknowingly. I wasn't the best PERSON I could be and therefore, not the best wife either.

And I thought about him too. I'd known this man for fifteen years - through good times and what I THOUGHT were bad times (this mess sorta changes your perspective!!) This was not him...to abandon us, leave us to starve. He and Kristin were "joined at the hip". To say now that he never really loved her, just cared for her? Something was definitely not right. This was NOT him....not from my experience, or that of his family and friends (who he had now begun to turn his back on.) Sooo.....

Well, after reading a few books on the nature of affairs, looking realistically at my contributions to the state of our marriage, listening to my betrayer friends on this site, I started to understand. It took away the sting of his words and actions. Didn't erase it - just took the edge off. Through Harley's books and others, I learned about marriages and affairs. From Phil McGraw, I learned about myself. I was insatiable. My basic personality is to DO something. Now, I had a bit of understanding, AND something I could do! I got stronger and stronger. Sure, there were bad days. Thanksgiving and New Years come to mind, as well as one notable weekend w/ two love-busting letters. (BTW, I found out that he was thinking hard about coming home at that point and my letters talked him right out of it! The power of a love buster!! I'm glad - I wasn't where I needed to be yet!) As I grew stronger, I felt freer. I realized that I had the power. He didn't keep me going, I realized it was up to me to do that, and to keep HIM going, too! Even though he didn't know it.

First decision. Do I love my husband? Yup, more than life itself - not the things he's doing now, but the man he truly is inside. Second. Do I want my marriage back? Nope - but I want a better one. Third - Am I ready to work for it? Absolutely!! I asked myself these three questions every single day. Every morning, before I got out of bed, I asked myself these questions. Same answer.

So I loved him. And respected and believed in the man I KNEW was inside. I learned to look PAST this behavior and into the soul of the man that I was convinced was still there. And tried to understand the torture he was going through - even though he didn't THINK he was. I knew now, right? I took the good little signs and they sustained my love. I blew off the bad stuff as part of the addiction. So it wouldn't KILL my love. I believed in him and lit a candle (still do, for us and all my friends) and every time I passed it, I told him I loved him and I believed in him. The coolest part was I was also beginning to believe in ME!! TNT taught me that, the power of words and belief.

Since I couldn't talk to him, I wrote a letter to him once a week and sent it to his mom's. Pop would deliver it to work for me. They were light, funny, flirty, news from home - like he was away from camp and homesick!! Works of art that I worked hard on at first, then seemed to come more easily. Somewhere in each letter, when appropriate, I compared something that I was telling him with a good memory of ours (and then this happened and you know it was just like when we....)and laughed about it. I ended each one with "I love you and I will always believe in you." I never took off my rings. He commented on that once - asked why I was wearing them - really angry sounding. I told him I loved him, I was married to him and I would always be married to him in my heart. He looked annoyed at first, looked like he was gonna yell at me and then got quiet for a minute. Then, with a strange look on his face, he said quietly "Thank you, Lori." I laughed and flirted when I saw him. Once or twice, I teared up, but not often. I saved that for when I was alone. At the end of each of the few visits, I hugged him goodbye and said "I love you." I got nothing except "You DO know I'm getting a divorce and marrying PT - no matter what. And even if I didn't marry her, I'll never come back." I just told him to do what he needed to do, but I'd always love him. I never discussed PT with him, never mentioned her name. I never discussed us or our marriage. If he brought it up, I'd just say I loved him and I wanted what would make him happy. No more. He'd just look at me like I had lost my mind.

At first it was "pretending". But I was working on me too, with the help of my favorite book by Phil McGraw. And I wasn't sitting around waiting. I continued to love him, but I had a daughter to raise and life was happening. I knew I couldn't support us and keep this house. She couldn't stay in private school. And I didn't have much time. I knew my job would be ending, just didn't know when. So I enrolled her in public school, started working on the house to sell it. Went to HS football games, shopping with friends, movies with the kids, whatever. I enjoyed more days than I didn't. And grew stronger. So, soon, I didn't have to pretend. During this time, I forgave him. Don't remember when or how, just all of a sudden, realized that I wasn't angry and didn't hold anything against him. Robert had held marriage sacred, had always been there for me, no matter what. Had NO respect whatsoever for any SOB who would stray and was very verbal about it. For a good, kind and decent man - the most wonderful man I ever knew to turn his back on everything that had ever been important to him - something was wrong. And I couldn't love him and not forgive him for something that took him over so completely. I learned to laugh. I began sleeping, I began to live. But I didn't stop loving him. I think THAT'S moving on.

Around Dec. he started calling a bit more, bogus reasons, favors he needed. Still talking divorce. But finally communicating a bit. I just listened. Never talked about us. See, now I wasn't "playing" him to get him back. I was REALLY his friend! You know? I cared about him, loved him and wanted what was best for him. Like a real friend would. So, it was getting easier most of the time. Of course, I still wanted him back, but, I wasn't obsessing anymore. He called one day at work, wanted the Dr.'s phone number and wound up getting really nasty with me. I patiently listened and let him talk, no matter what he said, and eventually discovered that he had had a seizure, the first in 20 years, the Friday b/f. Once I thought about it and the way I know my husband is, I realized he could've looked the phone number up in the directory. He needed to talk - he was scared. And, for him, scared turns into angry. And I was the target. Why? Because I was the one he could trust. And I was there for him. I found out later, I was right. Without even realizing it, when he got scared, he turned to me.

In January, I got the letter telling me he was about to file. It was time to "get it over with." And 4 days later, he asked to come home. We took a month to make the transition and see each other. He still had not said "I love you." That came during that month. So did our first conversations about us since that very first week. I found out later that he thought he came home b/c he decided he SHOULD. Now, it didn't hurt that PT had been a B**** and I had become someone he enjoyed being around. He told his family he really "liked" me now - I was still Lori, but "more somehow". And I really liked me too - a whole lot more than I did before. I was very proud of myself for what I was doing - for my marriage and for me personally. That shines through, I think. It seems that he had been doing a lot of thinking - for practically the whole time. And then, one day, he heard a song, and it stuck in his head, reminding him of committment and all that stuff. He pushed it away and wrote that letter - fighting the thoughts. Well, on his way over here on Saturday, he heard it again. And he decided. He couldn't "move on" until he had finished this. He was coming over to fix my dryer for me (the FIRST thing he had ever offered to do) and wound up taking me for a ride and asking to come home. No real romance there, guys.

The first few weeks were unsettling. PT pulled hard and so did his emotions. There's so much guilt and other stuff. He said he wanted to move out on day 3. He tested me constantly to see if I was real and if my love was real. And, then, very slowly, he became strong. And we began to fall in love. And now, he tells me he loves me forever, loved me even when he didn't love me (that makes sense to me for some reason) and that he's 100% "in love" with me (I hate THAT phrase, too, but I'll take it from him! ) He also says he admires my courage, respects me for respecting him, even when I had no reason to, and that my believing in him made him strong. I don't take credit for all that, but it sure feels good to hear it.

Ok, now for opinions. Don't blast me, ok? I never felt humiliated or shamed. We made mistakes and bad judgements, but...stuff happens. I had small spurts of anger - at specific THINGS he did and said, but anger has never come easily for me - I believe it's simply another way of showing hurt, so I never really had to deal with the slow burning continuous anger - I just let myself hurt and dealt with it. Tootrusting is right - we can't force them. THEY have to figure it out on their own. All we can do is be there and love them - if we choose to.... and that's what it is - a choice. We're not doormats or any such nonsense. We're strong and independent and coping with a difficult situation, thank you. And this is NOT for wimps! I can't think of anything less doormatty (like that word? ) than standing strong for what you believe in in the face of all the nonsense. But I'd be there for my child and I decided I'd sure as ****** be there for my husband as long as he'd let me - and sometimes, even when he wouldn't. A lot of times it would've been a lot easier to run - For my short time, I chose the other path.

Robert didn't decide "all of a sudden". All those months of Plan A (I just do NOT have a Plan B personality!) were slowly building impressions that were eating away at his subconscious. When the time was right, a trigger (the song) brought them to the surface. I'm not so sure that he really did it to "do the right thing." I think that's the excuse for doing what he wanted to do, know what I mean? I mean, his love just grew too quickly to have just been "doing the right thing." He didn't change his mind quickly. Everything was slowing bringing him back to reality - we just couldn't see it. PT was being a B*****. I was being an angel. The fog was wearing thin. The letter was a last grasp to hang on to the "I'll never go back" thing. Fighting back against those nagging thoughts. I found out later that every time he left here, no matter how awful he was to me, he went home and was MORE awful to PT - or quiet and sullen. Then, he'd go out and do something WONDERFUL for her.....trying to hold on, know what I mean? Remember the little Dutch boy? A tiny hole in a dam is NOT a big thing. But that little bit of water, seeping through, DOES eventually break it down! That's Plan A. That's what happened to Robert, I think and so does his mom. It didn't happen all of a sudden, the damn dam just finally broke against the consistant gentle force of the water!!! (I just LOVE analogies - even corny ones!)

OK, warned you this would be long and I don't even know if I've helped at all. The saddest part is that it WAS longer....I actually pared it down a bit! TNT summed it up better than me.

Ok, so that's the closest I can come to a nutshell version. If I missed a question, let me know. I'll try NOT to be so wordy the next time around.

Good luck to you.

Love and prayers,

Lori

--

I was very moved by Loris story and I am glad that they had a happy ending. I find it amazing that she could be so calm and not be angry with her husband. I am afraid I have a more aggressive personality, I can sometimes burst out but I always apologize afterwards when I have said something I regret. I guess I will have to work on that. I am no angel by nature if that means to never be angry but I am honest and reliable and I would never let my family down.

I understand now how plan A is about acting for oneself. I will work on improving myself and my life. For instance, I have not made so many new friends during the last few years and I want to start building my social network. I have also been thinking about moving on in my career but I have not done anything about it, maybe I should look into that too.

But I don't know if I should tell my man that I love him. I still love him for everything he has been but I do not love him for what he is doing right now. Like Lori I have been thinking that this is not the man he truly is but now I am thinking that this is one side of who he is, a very bad side, but he has so many other good sides and I love him because of them.

Also, he is not unfriendly to me. He wants to see me, he is very fond of me and he says that he has been happy with me and loved me for ten years. But that just makes everything so hard for me to understand. How can he walk away from that?

BTW, I know another good analogy (sorry about the English, it is not my native language): The weather tried to make a boy take off his jacket. The wind was blowing at him the hardest and coldest it could and tried to rip the jacket off him but the boy just held his jacket tighter. Then the sun was shining at the boy, warm and bright, and the boy took off his jacket and enjoyed the sunshine.

Good analogy. As you do more reading here, you will see lots of situations just like yours. Of course your man is not in love with the OW. It is like you call it, simply limerence. Here, we are more likely to say they are "addicted", like a drug addict.

Your English is excellent, by the way. I would not have guessed that it was not your native language.

Plan A him and start meeting his needs. Usually admiration is one of the top needs for a man, so look for ways to admire him.

Also it won't hurt to make your life a better one. The man always comes back, so then he can join you.

He says he is in love with her but I think their relationship is mostly about attention. I know that sometimes love can end and two unhappy persons can form a new relationship but it seems so unlikely that this would lead to something real.

Thank you for your advice about admiration, I was smiling when I read it. I think his needs are to be happy and have happy people around him. I have always been easy-going, never dwelled for long on things I could not do something about and almost always had a smile on my face. When I think back on my depression it does not seem like me at all, painting the future in black.

I forgot to ask you about something you wrote earlier, that my man and the OW will need to stop working together. Would that be if/when one of them decides that he or she wants to put an end to the affair? The OW has been talking about getting a divorce but I believe that will not happen, not with two small children around. I suppose company policies may differ but would you say that the management would disagree on an affair like that? I know that company management usually don’t want (official) couples to work in the same department but I don't know how they would handle an affair. The laws in Sweden are different from those in USA, it is not possible to dismiss someone or even make them change department without very good reasons and I don't think an affair would count as one.

I am glad that you think my English is good. I just thought I would mention that I am not a native speaker in case something I write turns out funny.

Putting light on an affair tends to make it end. Affairs thrive in darkness and secrecy. Part of Plan A is notifying folks that have influence. Be sure to tell your man's family about the affair, the OW's husband about the details, and it wouldn't hurt to write to their work.

You can let their work know that they are having an affair, that you and your man's relationship is threatened, and also the OW's husband and two children. Ask them if there is anything they could do to separate them.

Your man will be angry about exposure, but will get over it.

As far as them having a successful relationship, it won't happen. Statistics here say that only 3% of relationships that start as an affair will lead to marriage, and 75% of those marriages fail.

So hang in there, go into a great Plan A, and work hard to save your relationship. It may help if you think of him as a drug addict who is addicted. But you can show him that he can get that same drug from you, at home.

When I talked to the OW's husband he made it clear that he did not want anyone to know about the affair. I don't want to do anything that he does not approve of; if he still wants to save his marriage he is probably my best ally. What makes the situation even more complicated is that he and his wife are working in the same field but in different companies. He told me that some of his best friends are working in the same department as his wife. He has been talking to them and they were surprised to hear about the affair since they had not noticed anything.

I really don't know if my man would care if I would expose the affair. He has left me, our friends know about it even if some of them think he is nuts and he has openly declared that he wants to see the OW. I don't know how the OW would react to exposure. I guess it depends on what is happening between her and her husband. If they are in the process of divorcing I fear that exposure could make things even worse. If she would divorce her husband I don't know if the management would interfere but of course they would have to apply normal policies for co-workers in a relationship and put them in separate departments. I will call the OW's husband and see if we can work something out.

I have done some exposure although I did not have a name for the action. I have told our friends what is going on and more importantly I have told his parents. I talked to his mother and told her that he had left me and that he was seeing a woman at work who is married with children. At first she would not believe it but later she talked to him and told him that she expected that he would solve this as an adult. When I talk to her now she says that she believes that the affair is over but when I talk to my man it sounds like it is alive and kicking. His mother reasons that the OW is still living with her husband and has not filed for divorce, the affair will not lead to anything, my man is having some sort of crisis and we should just leave him alone and let him ponder upon his life and probably everything will settle for the best. She is a reasonable person but I don't know if she has dealt with affairs before.

On MB, exposure is always suggested. It might be embarrassing for the OW's husband since his friends all work in the same field. So I would talk to him.

Your man's mother probably doesn't have experience with affairs. Any pressure she could put on her son to end the affair would help.

At any rate, stick with Plan A. The affair will end. They always do. Hopefully it won't ruin the OW's marriage first.

I have not had any opportunity to contact the OW's husband yet but I will. If he still wants to save his marriage I will definitely encourage him to expose to their managers at work and her family. I will ask him if he thinks that they are still seeing each other. He told me that his wife has tried to have NC with my man and spent most of the day in her room. Apparently she was lying to him but now that he knows he might have asked some of his friends at her work to keep their eyes open so maybe he knows what is going on.

I don’t want to ask my man and let him know that I care about his (possible) relationship with the OW. His mother thinks that they are not seeing each other, at least not in the evenings. When I first told her about it, I felt that she supported me but now she has taken the stand that her son is an adult and does what he thinks is right, she will not interfere. She does not like the OW though; she was shocked when I told her that the OW is married with small children. She said something about breaking up a marriage with children and that “we have never done that in our family”. But since she is convinced that the affair will not lead to anything real she does not want to tell her son to do anything.

I was thinking about why my man wants to leave and I wonder if one reason is that he is so ashamed of what he has done that he thinks that our relationship will never recover. He says that he has a feeling that a relationship with the OW would be better and I suspect that one reason is that he feels that they would have a clean start without any heavy luggage (if you get my analogy). How do I handle that? I have tried to tell him that couples go through bad times and that everything can be much better than it used to but I don't know if he believes me.

I understand that most important for me is to be the person he wants to spend time with and the best way to do that is to be happy and build myself a good life. I will also be nice to him (it is not difficult as long as I don't think about the affair; he is very nice to me). Tonight he will come to our home and I will make a cake for him and chat for a while (he loves cakes and sweets by the way, at least I have the advantage to know that).

I read about plan B and I realize that I have misunderstood its purpose. I thought it was only about protecting oneself but it also makes sense to suddenly withdraw your attention and make them miss you. I like that idea but I hope that plan A will work.

Plan B comes after a good Plan A. And a good Plan A needs to be done for 3 to 6 months. If you feel like you are losing your love for him, then it will be time for Plan B.

Many parents are like your man's mother and do not get involved. There is nothing you can do about that. It happens all the time.

The waywards are all the same, and say and do the same things. It is almost like they all read the same textbook. Your man is saying what they all say. Let him know that relationships do recover, and go on to be better than before, and it happens all the time. But don't talk too much about relationship with him. It is better just to show him what a great partner you could be.

He is very much deluding himself to think that he would be starting over with no baggage, with a woman who has a husband and two children.

By the way, you did not get pregnant did you?

EvaSara; If you believe you belong here, you do.

In many states here, though there are fewer and fewer, under English Common Law, if you represent even once in public that you are married, and the other person doesn't say that it isn't true, you are. You are in such a relationship.

Marriage to me, and I think to most everyone here is a very important institution, and to some of us it is a Sacrament. When you marry, you are saying to everyone present that, forsaking all others, I choose this person. I also believe that you do it before your Creator.

So, if you do get back together, I believe that you should have some sort of ceremony, even if it just is a small civil ceremony that only a few family members attend. It is right and proper that you and he commit and put a hedge around yourselves. Commitment begets Trust. Trust allows for deeper communication and deeper enjoyment of the relationship.

As for exposure, my wife and I once had a conversation that went along these lines after there were indicators (I now beleive I was wrong) of her having an affair, or that she was thinking about one (I'm not so sure there). I said if you ever were to do so, and I found out, I would make sure I got pictures and video before I confronted you. I would send copies of all of my evidence to all of the members of your family, coworkers, friends and the other cheaters spouse. Then I would confront you. LIGHT would be applied. If I was going to be a cuckold, everyone would know and everyone would know what she was too. Her reputation is very important to her and she knows that I would do it, though it might finish the destruction of our marriage. That fear of exposure is an additional hedge against her becoming a cheating spouse.

Finally, one time after that, I told her I was no longer going to concern myself with whether she had been or was a cheating spouse, but that I would depend upon our common belief in Christ and prayed that her conscience would nearly destroy her until she got right with Him and me. She got a bit angry with me and said I knew that you couldn't just get over your suspicions that easily. I told her that's right, I've turned it over to God to deal with you if you ever have been or ever do become a cheating spouse.

Ever since I've been changing, painfully, into a better person through much reading, much prayer, and doing the things I know to do. And I am doing things many things in our bedroom to 'blow her mind'so that she knows she is getting better at home than she could get elsewhere. That's my plan A to rebuild my marriage.

I'll pray for you, and for him.

believer: Thank you so much for your interest in this. No, I did not get pregnant, luckily enough in retrospective. I understand that plan B comes after plan A but I was just impressed by the idea, I can really see before me how things can turn out. First I set up a plan A for say 3 months, seeing my man regularly, being the very best me. It is not even certain that he is still seing the OW and if he does, I am sure that the infatuation will be weaker by then. Then I stop contact with him and if the OW has left her husband he will be in complicated new relationship, with two small children getting all the attention from the OW and maybe the OW having second thoughts. What a withdrawal!

22goingforlife: Thank you for welcoming me. I agree that if we get back together we should commit to each other in some way. We have not wanted a traditional wedding but I guess there are other ways to do that.

Yes, that is the plan. An excellent Plan A, which includes exposure of the affair. You show him what he is missing by having his affair. If that doesn't bring him around, a very dark Plan B ought to do the trick.

Here is the lighthouse post by Ark. It will give you some strength.

~BE THE LIGHTHOUSE~


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...

yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..
you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...

you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...

but you know that...
so they can't hurt you right now...
they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....

set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....

without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...

you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...

seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...

no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...

and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...

and eventually they will see that you are the only one...

who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...

be the lighthouse....

OK, now I have talked to the OWH. I asked him what is going on in their marriage and he said that his wife is going back and forward. In the beginning of December she wanted a divorce, during Christmas she changed her mind and wanted to stand up for their family again but one week ago she told him again that she wants a divorce. WW behaviour, I suppose? I guess that one reason that she changed her mind during Christmas was that she was away from work for two weeks with NC with my man.

The OWH still wants to save their marriage but at the moment he is looking for a new place to stay. I did not understand if the new place would be for him or her. I wanted to tell him that he should not under any circumstances move from their house but the situation was very awkward to me so I felt I could not tell him what to do. I advised him to find this site and do some reading. They are going to marriage counselling but I told him that he might get some good advices for his situation here.

I can also tell you the reason why I came to this site in the first place. There are web boards in Sweden for relationship issues but I have not found any board dedicated to saving marriages and relationships. Also, when I have posted on some board, the advises I have received have mostly been to throw out my man, never take him back again even if he wants to and forget about him. I am not that kind of person so I am glad that I found a place for people who want to fight for their relationships.

That sounds very promising, that the OW is going back and forth about the marriage. Usually they want a divorce, and that is it.

There are only a few websites like MB here. There are some that discuss infidelity, but don't have a PLAN of how to recover the marriage. That is what I like about this place. And MB works, we've seen it over and over.