A little background. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 11. I am 30 and he is 34. We have 4 children together, oldest is 10. He sprung the news on me that he wanted a divorce as we were in the process of moving and buying a house. He said he was going through a tough time in his life and didn't love me anymore. He wasn't cheating on me, but at the time, I had my suspicions. This all started 7 months ago when he told me he thought we should get a divorce. In that time, he went out to sea for 4 months. He told me to move on with my life, get over our marriage and try to be happy. We emailed all the time while he was gone, but he never gave me any hope whatsoever that things would change. He always told me it was too late for him, he checked out a long time ago and I need to get over it. We got along great up to the weekend before all of this happened, so naturally, I thought he was cheating on me. I even found a few emails from a girl he had written and many different unknown numbers on our cell bill. He has told me many times that he never cheated on me and I have to believe him until he tells me differently. He told me that if I were to go out and have sex with anyone else, he wouldn't blame me because of the way he had been treating me. I went out one night with my sister to dinner and when I got home, he asked me if I hooked up with anyone (this was right at the beginning of all of this talk). Fast forward a few months ago. He got back from sea and things between us were still messed up. The animosity was unreal. He said he would move out, talk to a lawyer and do what we needed to do to get the ball rolling. He kept dragging his feet. In the meantime, I would take any chance I could to tell him I loved him. I still love him very much. He is the love of my life. Well, after many repeated times of him telling me to move on and things were over, I did. It was just recently that I did have an affair with someone and told my husband last night. It was a one time thing and I made a huge mistake. I regret every second of it. I honestly did not think he would care because he told me he didn't love me and in fact, even suggested when he got from sea that we bring other people into our marriage. He said he would like to see me with another man. So, now that I went and did what he told me to, I am the bad guy. He called his parents and told them (since he had no one else to talk to) so now they all think I am this horrible person. He confessed to his mom that he had made the decision to stay and try to work things out for the kids sake but now, things would change. I mean, why couldn't he tell me this instead of telling me the total opposite? When he is here, we rarely talk to each other. We just pretty much co-exist in our house. I have lost alot of weight going through this and he never even once told me how nice I looked since he has been home. I made the biggest mistake of my life. Do you think that there is any way we can get past this? I have been crying so much that my eyes are almost swollen shut. In the 12 years we have been together, even enduring many military separations, I have never been unfaithful to him until this one time where I truly believed my marriage to be over. I have hurt him beyond belief, but at the same time, he hurt me by treating me like crud for the past 7 months and telling me to go out and do this stuff. I am not making excuses for myself because I am taking responsibility for my actions. I am just so upset right now that I cant even function. He leaves for school tomorrow for 3 weeks so I am hoping that will give him some time to cool off and maybe think about things. I guess I should mention that I cheated with his friend. He asked me why and I told him that I was given permission by him and he said he never thought i would actually do it. I told him I wanted him to hurt the way he has hurt me over the past 7 months. He said he wasnt hurt, but he felt betrayed by his friend. He told me this morning that he couldnt blame me for what I did because of the way he has treated me. He told me he would not screw me over in the divorce because I was the mother of his kids and he had no proof anyways. I just wish he would say we could work on things. He has said he hasnt loved me for 5 years now, yet I thought things were awesome between us because he never let on any differently. Can people really get past this and move forward to work on their marriage? My mother in law said that this would either make our marriage or break it. She said everyone makes mistakes and everyone can be forgiven. It just doesnt look too good right now. I love him more than anything.

Welcome to MB.

First thing that I would tell you to do is read up on all that this site has to offer. Your husband has probably had an emotional affair either with a specific woman, or the thought of finding someone else. That doesn't excuse your behavior, but you need to treat it as if he were having an affair.

Read up on plan A. Plan A consists of identifying your husband's top 5 emotional needs and working to meet them with no expectation of reciprocation and identifying your love busters and completely stop doing them altogether. Don't worry if you slip up every now and then. Habits are hard to break.

Let your H know that you made a HUGE mistake, but that you will not give up on the M. Don't do any relationship talk, but just try and meet his needs. First thing you need to do is get yourself tested for STDs. Once that is done, then start working and drag your feet on any divorce. This is a long and tedious process, one that will most likely take over a year to fix, but it can be done and it sounds like it would be worth it to you. I'm praying for you.

wow... you feel horrible, and rightly so.... but sounds like your husband set you up. this is what he wanted all along; an open excuse to divorce you. (kinda like "entrapment')

his talk with his mother about how he wanted to work on things, sounds like total bull.

i noted your mention of "many millitary separations'... my personal guess is that he has already cheated on you before, during those times. His insistence/pressure on you being with someone else, was most likely a sick attempt to relieve his own guilt.

like he said, "he checked out a long time ago ago'.

All that being said.. there may be some hope; But it's gonna be a long road, with no guarantee of success.

I suggest you try to make a phone appointment with one of the harleys, cause your situation needs the serious help they can offer.
See the "counselling center' link at the top of the main menu sections.

I was looking back at emails he sent to me while he was deployed when we first started going through all of this. He said if I was talking to anyone else it was my business. If I hooked up with anyone else, i his fault for splitting up with me. I am not justifying what I did at all. I know I was wrong, but he told me so many times that he wouldn't care if I hooked up with anyone else, moved on, whatever. He wanted me to accept the fact that our marriage was over and we were headed for a divorce. One stupid mistake and now there is no hope. I am so numb right now. I just dont know what to do. I called him a bit ago and he was really short with me. He said he isnt hurt by what I did, he just felt betrayed by his friend. I mean, if our marriage was all i love you and roses, there would be no way this would have happened. I have been told i love you in so long, i cant even remember the last time he told me. Just this past week we discussed about going to see a lawyer to get the ball rolling and decided the week before that we would unofficially separate. Now he is telling his mom that he was planning on staying and working things out for the kids sake but since this happened, there is no chance of that. Why didnt he tell me of his intentions instead of telling me to move on, get over it and accept the fact that things were over. I am just so numb right now because I just feel like I betrayed him and my children.

No offense, but you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start taking actions to save your M. Let him know that you will not talk D, only M. Get to counseling, talk with Steve Harley, start meeting his ENs. Get to it. The longer you do nothing, the worse your chances are. Listen, he hasn't even met with a lawyer yet. You are still married. Start the long tedious process of saving your M. Stop with the M talk. Just work on meeting his needs.

Is it worth it to try to get counseling and work on my marriage even if he says he doesn't love me anymore and hasnt for quite some time? I told my parents tonight and that was a huge relief. I do want to save my marriage, but I feel it may be too late. He only found out about this Friday night. He really hasn't had time to process anything other than anger right now. My dad told me that we will get through this no matter what and I am thankful that I have the support, but I so desperately want to save my marriage. My husband wont even hardly talk to me.

Yes, go to counseling yourself. Show him you are serious about working things out. Are you divorced? Well, then it is not to late to start working on your M. The initial shock is hard to handle. I told my WW that it was over when I found out. After a few days I pondered it over and decided that I wanted to work things out.

Have you identified his top 5 ENs yet? What are they? How have you been LBing him? How are you going to stop it? Have you set up an appointment to get tested for STDs? Get tested and show the results to your WH. Give him a call everyday regardless of whether or not he wants to talk and just tell him you love him. Don't argue with how he feels just listen. But let him know that you haven't given up on the M. Read SAA and HNHN. Get started. You have a lot of work to do.

you screwed up. You cheated and despite the fact that you say you aren't making excuses... you keep making excuses. Your marriage is in huge trouble from both of your actions. I suggest finding a counselor immediately and begin the process of trying to heal this. Good luck.

BTW... just because you can do something... doesn't mean you should. If your H had told you it was okay with him if you jumped off a bridge... I would guess you would not have done it. Your sleeping with someone else is your mistake. Yes, your H contributed to the lousy state of the M... but this act was all yours. The fact that you screwed his friend shows that you have a cruel streak in you. You need to get that under control. Even if you were going to screw around... you did not have to do it with his friend. I assume that you have absolutely no contact with the friend at this point.

I'm in a very similar situation only about three months ahead of you. You have to accept that you are responcible for the A. Completely break off everything with the OM if he calls hang up on him period.

There was another book I found written by a christian ladie who's husband had an affair on what the ws should do to try to rebuild a marriage. I believe the title was after the affair. I found it online.

Just remember the important thing is don't give up.