Hey! I found this website long ago but I finally decided to post because I need advice during this time of deep crises. My wife and I have been together for 5 years and married 3 and 1/2. She is 25 and I am 28. Since we met the path has been rocky but we were able to overcome most of the conflicts. I have to say that we vercomed them but we did not fully resolve them. And this unresolved issues basically led us to where we are standing right now. Among the different unresolved conflicts is an affair on both sides three years ago. She had one affair while she was studying abroad and I had one too. When she came back from being abroad and the whole truth came out we hurt each other deeply. We were not able to fully heal from this experience because when we were working on the recovery she had to move to another town and had to do long distance. Although we worked on it, it was never fully healed for me. We were deeply pained by the experience. Since then for me was difficult. I knew I love this woman but I also had resentment and anger against her. Because of the resentment and anger, I was not able to fully give to her. I was with her but I was always doubting if I wanted to be with her. I also developed control issues and we created some very hurtful patterns to relate to each other. These patterns increased the hurt more and more. Although we were pained, we loved each other. We had some great time together. We did the long distance for two years because she got a great job opportunity. While apart during the second year she became increasingly aware of how much she wanted to be with me and live together. Last summer when she finished the project she was working on, whe quit her job and moved from NY to CA just to be with me. I was not so sure if I wanted to move full swing and live together because I was pained. I wanted us to live apart and date so we could create a safe environment for each other. The opportunity of living together presented to us and we moved in together in a house where 9 other people lived. A student house. At the beginning was great but then it got rocky again. I did not give her too much attention to her and was hanging out a lot with the people of the house doing drugs and drinking. She started to complain about it and we began to fight more and more. Because she was asking me to give her time and attention but I felt she was being needy, I did not give it to her. One day she left for a work trip to Chicago and I basically disappeared. I did not call her or answer the phone until the night and she was crying because she said I did not pay attention to her. She came back from her trip and we talked about ideas for improving our relationship. The very next day she got wasted at a party at her friends house and did not come home. I was angry at her. When she came home I told her that we were broken up and kicked her out of the house. We did not talk to each other for two weeks. She moved into her friends. We began talking after two weeks. And we kind of were together. I went to counseling and I told the counselor that I felt torn apart. I said that I was sure if I wanted to be her but that I loved her. At the end of the session, I got to the conclusion that I wanted to become independent. I told her I wanted a break and she said it was a good idea. We agreed on taking a break. We saw each other about once a week to handle businesses and we had a good time every time we talked to each other. We traveled together for twelve days during the winter and we had a blast. Unfortunately, I looked into her email and I read she told her friend that she had met a guy, had a date and that she had fun. She was also asking if she should stay in the Bay area or move to LA with her mom. I knew she wanted to go to LA but when I read about the guy, I went nuts. I bought two tickets to go snowboarding trying to be nice. It backfired me, she felt disrespected about the fact that I did not ask her. She said I was invading her space. I asked her to please come back together and she said no, she said we needed time to get over the bad patterns that we have. She said she loved me but that she hated the patterns that have contributed to hurt each other so much. I told her to give me the opportunity of dating and show her how much I was working on myself and she said that if I wanted to show her that I changed I should stick to my word (break) and work on myseld. She said she needed space and time. She told me I moved to CA just for you and you kicked me out of the house. She told me I am hurt and I need to heal. I was supposed to give her some stuff I had from her and we were talking on the phone to agree a time. I gave her a time and she said she wanted to meet someone else at that time. I went crazy and asked her if it was guy, I asked her if she was dating someone. She became very offended and said that my lack of trust was back. She said she needed time and also said that the good impression she got about me during the trip was gone with this actions. She said that now she had a very bad taste about us. She said she needed time and that I had to respect it even if I wanted or not. I said ok I give you the time but with one condition. No other people. She said she did not know if she could commit to that. She said she was going to call me and let me know. After the fight I started to ask myself what I had done and did some soul searching. I realized I am a very controlling person. I try to control her to feel safe and get what I want. When I don't get it I give het a low blow and hurt her. Basically it is, take my demands because if you don't do it, I will punish you. Yesterday she called and we met. I told her I had found about this behavior and apologized for hurting her again and for acting crazy. She said that I gave her so much peace of mind by acting like this. She told me that she loved me but that she needed time to heal. She said that she does not feel safe around me because I have hurt her and that she does not know if she wants to be back with me. She said she loved though. She said we have to have time to work on ourselves to break the bad patterns we have and find out how we truly feel about each other. I am graduating from school in May. Before this incident happened she was planning on coming to my graduation. Now she is just considering attending. She said we have to be apart and cut our ties so we can truly see what is going on with us. She said we would talk though to handle the businesses we have to handle. This is basically where I am at. What can I do? Should I just do a sort of Plan B and work on myself on fixing my anger and control issues and let her go? How do I create a safe environment for her? I am truly committed to change and I am working on it. I love this woman and I want her back but I do not know if she is coming back or if I lost her for good.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for the advice.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I hope you will read all the articles here and information on marriages.

I think you both need to take time to work on your own issues. Then maybe you can get back together and have a real marriage, where there is no cheating, dating, drinking, drugs, or long separations.

Believer

I have read the articles but I guess I need to reread them again to bring the information fresh back to my mind. What I am the most afraid of is that I pushed her away even farther with the incidents that happened three days ago. I don't know what I can do to make us get closer. I certainly agree on working on my issues. I already started working on some documents I found at coping.org and will start IC. I also want to succeed on my plans to show her and my self that I am a strong person on his way to become much healthier. It is so scary though to go through this process

I have not hear anything from her all day long. I feel anxious. How do you deal with these feelings? How do you get over the despair? How do you let go?

casad,

Here is my two cents. You are young, no kids, do drugs, live in communes. You have no clue what a M even looks like - let alone know if you had one. If I were you, I would walk away dude.

casad, letting go of the control is the hardest thing in the world to do...let go...get busy doing something else...it was very hard for me but i had no choice b/c my WH is 7000 miles overseas and i HAD to let go...let go...breathe deep and just let go..ask God for strength...pray pray pray...keep posting here....there are some really good people here that can help you...

Ask yourself if it would be good if she did come back.
If the answer is no, or even maybe then Plan B is the best way to go right now.

You do not need her to give you some gruesome disease, you do not need to have children that have to deal with divorce or fighting parents or cheating spouses.

If she won't commit in any manner to be faithful, then you need to do a plan B and work on yourself without regard to what she does. And if she ever does want to come back, protect yourself and both of you get physicals with the other getting the results.

Hi Piojitos,

I have strongly considered the option of walking away. However, it is easier said than done. There are also somethings about this woman that I really love and make me really happy. That is why I stayed. After realizing some of my mistakes (drug use, etc) I decided to stop. I don't use drugs now and I have my drinking under control. I also don't live in communes any more. I got my own place. The commune was only a temporary thing and an option of last resort I had to take. One thing I did decide though is trying to deal with the loss and get over the relationship so I can have a clear mind about what to do. If I find out that I do not need her once I have my life in order and head much clearer, I will certainly walk away if that becomes the best option. Right now is hard for me to make a decision whether to come back or not. My head is so confused.

Hoping 68,

I certainly agree that letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I just began to really focus on school and I am also working on some documents that I found on Coping.org about letting go. I certainly love this woman but I do not want her actions to affect me. I have to accept though that I had a bad today. I felt blue all day long. How long did it take you to let go? How did you do it?

22goingforlife,

My answer to the question would it be good right now if she comes back is maybe. A definitive maybe. We have some patterns of interaction that are not healthy at all and I on my side I am only starting to take responsibility for my behaviors which contributed to create these patterns.For example, I just recognized that I am controlling, that I have anger issues and that I like to threat or run away whenever to deal with conflict. Any time we fought I always threatened her with breaking up or did break up with her to come back at a later point trying to be the ideal husband. We had some good moments but then the patterns emerged again becoming more and more destructive. I have the feeling that if we come back at this moment, there is the risk of falling back into this patterns and then hurt her even more. I love her but I don't want to hurt her.

Since I currently am in a Plan B. Is it o.k. to spy (email) on her to find out what is going on in her mind and life? Would it be Plan B? I understand this would complicate my let go and healing processes but I also want to know what is her state of mind. Any advice?

casad,

From your first post, it looks like you have spent more time apart than together. The time together has been largely a shared experience. Do you really love her or do you love a memory of her? My suggestion is still to learn from this experience and move on and then do better next time. I just can't see that you ever had anything to salvage. Sorry.

piojitos

No. Plan B means she dropped off the face of the planet as far as you are concerned. You should know absolutely nothing about her. NOTHING!!!