Ok this is my first post here so I apologize if it rambles. Anyway, H and I have been married a little over 3 years, been together for 4.5. We have two kids, 3 and 1.5 years old. I'll be 24 in March, H will be 26 in August.
We have had a great marriage in the past with some ups and downs but nothing major.
I had a very rough childhood growing up which caused me to build some major defenses and walls. When I met H, I thought I had conquered all of these demons but I was wrong. So, when we would fight, I would tell him to leave or that I was going to leave, etc... He would always come after me and comfort me, begging me not to leave. I never actually left. I knew that what I was doing was wrong to him, but I couldn't separate from it and view it objectively. He never really stopped me to talk about how it made him feel.
H got into grad school in 2006. I encourage him to go to Europe for research. He came back in August 2006. I found out 2 days after he got home that he had a physical affair that lasted for about a week. She didn't mean anything to him. He didn't tell me about it, I found out. Anyway, so I was willing to forgive him, he said he was sorry, etc...
We didn't do anything beyond that.
Previously in our marriage, I suggested marriage counseling because we have difficulties communicating effectively all of the time. He didn't want to go because he didn't believe in marriage counseling.
In Nov 2006, he finally told me how the things that I did made him feel. He said they made him feel unimportant, not needed, etc... I apologized profusely, told him I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop, swore I would, etc...
He said that he was done. He was done trying. Had nothing left, didn't want to be married anymore. But, he wasn't at the point of wanting a divorce. So we just kept on but didn't make progress because he wasn't turning to me for his needs.
Well, I knew he had female friends at grad school and then I found out that he thought of one of them as his g/f. Only an Emotional affair at this point. This was in December. He refused to end it. Well, then on New Year's Eve he said he wanted a Divorce. I wouldn't agree to it. Freaked out, etc...
In early Jan. he said he wanted to do marriage counseling. But it was not because he was willing to try. He had been withdrawn and not touching me, sleeping on the couch, etc.. for about a month and a half. In the middle of the month we went to marriage counseling and he said he was open to our marriage working but he didn't think it would. Oh and he doesn't come home at least 2-3 times a week. He stays in his office to do grad work and doesn't want to come home.
Well, this past Monday I found out that he had slept with this new girl in early Jan. But he said he stopped after we went to marriage counseling.
Monday night and Tuesday he was apologizing, saying he was sorry, and that he didn't know what is wrong with him, why he keeps hurting me, etc... He did NOT say that he wanted to work things out. He still won't agree to cut off contact with her. I've demanded it, begged, etc.. No luck.
Then Friday he says he doesn't want to be married to me. But, he doesn't want a divorce. His OW is moving away for good, but I don't know when. They talk on the internet, phone, text, etc....
He hasn't mentioned going to marriage counseling again.
Now since Monday, he's been sleeping in the bed, kissing me, constantly touching me, cuddling, etc... But he only sees me as someone who hurt him. Note, it was only the things mentioned above. I've NEVER had an affair and never would.
I have apologized profusely. Have been changing for me, I mean ******, I don't have any reason to change for him. I've been doing some deep soul searching these past few months and have taken steps but he doesn't think I can change.
He says he has no faith left in us.
WHAT DO I DO?? Should I just do a separation? I know that he would probably go straight to her, so how would that be helpful? I would still have to see him daily as he watches the kids while I'm in school. He would just leave when I get home.
I've also done the Plan where I just love him and try to make everything great and him want to be here. I don't say anything when he doesn't come home. I have never gone to look for him. I've never confronted the OW, etc.... I have his house clean, do his laundry, make dinner.
He just can't forgive me and only sees me for hurting him.
I am so afraid to separate because it feels like it would only reinforce him wanting to leave. Uggghhh. Sorry for so long and thanks if you got this far!

Welcome. I think the best thing for you is to get counseling and work on changing yourself. Your actions have been very hurtful toward your marriage.

That does not excuse your husband. His cheating ways are all his to own.

Continue making your house a safe, wonderful haven for your family, and work on your issues. Start in Plan A, and commit to that for at least 6 months. Don't agree to a separation, that will only make things worse.

Thanks for your reply! I have been lurking and reading here since the beginning of December. I started Plan A on Jan 1st. But, he still doesn't want to be married to me.
Should I just continue to let him come and go as he pleases? Make no demands? Not discuss the affair or needing to fix our relationship?
I should just go to counseling for me and be a loving wife to him while not recognizing what he has done? He refuses to end this affair.. .I just let it go on? My family knows. His family knows. They know about the latest g/f, but they don't know he's actually slept with her. They would actually disown him for that. They already express their disfavor, etc.. but it just pisses him off. Doesn't make him want to end it. The people he knows at grad school all know that he is married but still acting like he is single.
If I don't agree to do a separation or get a divorce.. he will just leave and not come home at night at all. What do I do then?
I told him that if he really wanted a separation/divorce that I would only agree to it because he thinks he will be happy doing it. If I don't agree to a separation and essentially "force" him to stay here, he will resent me for it and how will that help?

Exposing the affair is the best thing. And yes, he will be furious.

Because of the long-standing problems in your marriage, you will need to do Plan A for quite awhile before he notices anything.

Get counseling. A married person should never threaten divorce or ask the other person to get out.

So I should just tell his parents that he slept with her, tell him I won't get a separation/divorce, and then let him he leave whenever he feels like, say nothing when he comes home, etc....?
I know that I should not have done the things I did. I haven't told him to leave or that I was leaving since August 2006. I have been working steadfastly on my issues since December. I KNOW that I still have a LONG way to go. But he doesn't want to be here.
I just let him keep on keepin on what he is doing?

Tell his parents, and anyone else that has influence. Tell him that you love him and don't do divorce.

Then Plan A, until he gets to the point where he enjoys being with you. It will take some time.

So for the next 6 months or so, I should commit to just being a fabulous wife with no mention of the affair, our relationship, etc.. .until he wants to be with me again (assuming it will happen)? He will not stop talking to or having contact with the OW. I just accept that?

I did have a talk with him last night.

I put my rings back on (I took them off after I found out about first affair). I apologized for taking them off and said I still loved him, I was still married to him, etc... That seemed to get to him.
I then apologized for talking about separating, divorce, saying I would do it, etc... Told him I won't do a separation or divorce. I told him that the kids and I will be here and that he can do whatever it is he feels he has too.
I told him that I love him no matter what and I just want him to be happy.
I told him that I was not being a doormat and passive. I was making an active decision to love him and do things for myself.
Through this he got this really guilty regretful look on his face. I know that by no means are we actually moving forward, but I know that what I told him last night actually made a difference.
When I was done (and I only said nice things in a loving tone), I said I love you and good night. I also told him that I would love for him to sleep in the bed with me (he's been sleeping on the couch by his choice) but I would understand if he didn't want to. When he finally went to bed (he hasn't been sleeping well)he actually got in our bed.
I felt really good after I told him all of that and I am very proud of myself for doing it. I still let some doubt enter me and I get the thoughts of what is he doing, has he called her, will he come home tonight, etc... but I feel MUCH better in this place that I am in. I know that I will break down sometimes, but I am also at peace with myself and I haven't been in a while.

Plan A has a carrot and a stick.

You use both.

Meet his needs as much as he will let you while you expose his A to everyone!

He will get angry at you, but just explain to him that you are only trying to save your M.

If he calls her in front of you ask him not to disrespect you and take his A outside.

Here's a list of Do's and Don'ts that Mr. W brought here..
DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

~ Marsh

I agree with the plan A thing and reading up on MB principles in its entirely, as well as working on you.

But I wanted to comment on what you wrote above because I think you've got this a little wrong--don't tell him you just want him to be happy--that is an easy get-out-of-my-marriage-free card for a WS who "just wants to be happy."

Instead, tell him happiness if fleeting. It comes and goes.

Since when does his happiness dictate breaking vows and breaking up a family?


Plan A DOES have boundaries and safeguards.You will become a doormat if he thinks he can just go on with his affair and you'll be home smiling and cooking good meals and taking down the bed at night. It's not pampering--it's a form of loving 100% when you;re not being loved much in return. But I don't want you to get the idea that you just have to sit back and let him come and go and have his affair--he needs to know by your actions that you love him despite the affair, but you'll not approve of it.

I'd also address the issue of this being his 2nd affair in a three year marriage.

Have you done any exposing? If he goes to school with this girl, he'll have to find another school as well.