Background: Me 47, WS 53. Married 24 years coming up on March 4th. WS had active PA for 6 mos. ended in early November when OW broke off relationship. WS is still "chasing” after OW even though she has told him repeatedly it is over. They work for same company, but not in the same location. Last Saturday she told him "it was fun", but it really is over. He was depressed for days, but continues to attempt contact by calling her. I have seen 4 calls in the past 2 weeks from his cell phone - each less than 4 minutes each.

Throughout the PA while I was in Plan A, I always knew through "woman's intuition" when they were together. I have not had that feeling for about 10 weeks (mid-November) so I do believe it is my WS pursuing contact and not wanting to let go.

We had a long conversation this morning about NC and I just can't get him to commit to it. He said he is trying to work on our marriage and that holding me every day is his commitment, but I can't get him to promise to stop contacting OW.

WS has been allowing me to meet ALL of his EN's since November. I know that recovery will take a tremendous amount of patience. WS told me this morning that he is afraid that he will not fall in love with me again like he expects it to happen overnight. . I know he is confused like all the other WS's in the world, but it is him rather than me that expects results overnight!

My question to this forum is this, if the affair is basically over is going to Plan B as a way of enforcing a boundary of NC risky? There is such a fine line between a boundary and ultimatum it's scary. In all the reading I have done on MB, it seems like recovery is the hardest when Plan B is never implemented because the WS never knows what it was like to have the OW try to meet all of their needs. In our case, my WS has never left our home even overnight.

I separated our finances at the end of 2006 and have a Plan B letter ready for delivery, but since I honestly believe it is only residual emotional feelings from the A that my WH is trying to hold on to, would me going to Plan B now be harmful to any possible recovery?

I would not go to Plan B now. It does sound like the affair is over. He will get the point sooner or later. Then he will go into withdrawal. I think it is important for you to stay in Plan A.

Thank you believer. I just hope he gets it sooner than later because I really want to get back to living our life again. I hate the constant discussions about NC - it's like a broken record. I want to have fun again with my H (vs. WH!) and create a whole new relationship together.

Is the OW married? Has the affair been exposed? How does contact take place?

OW is married. OW 43, OWH 46. Married 8 years. OWH overheard phone conversation between WS & OW in early August and again in September. Full exposure at work, OWH exposed to her family in August and I exposed to mine in July. I have never spoken to OWH, but did try to direct him to MB site in August via a TM.

Contact since November has been minimial via cell phone use. I don't know about contact at work anymore. I know that is an important MB principle along with NC. I try to stress both NC and changing jobs with no success.

I am concerned with going to Plan B if this is just "his way" of ending the relationship. I've read some other posts where NC is broken several times prior to the final time when withdrawl can begin. I am definetly unsure of how to proceed. I've done a very good Plan A, but don't want to pre-maturely move to Plan B and cause the beginning stanges of potential recovery to go up in smoke.

How do you know the OWH knows, res? Are the OW and your WS working together?

If they are still working together, then he cant ever withdraw, you realize that, don't you? No withdrawal=no recovery. So this is not his way of ending anything, because he is not ending anything. I don't see that he has any intention of ending anything and is quite open with you about that.

If he continues to stay in contact, you would want to go into Plan B, unless you will accept his affair as a way of life. We have people here who were lax in the nc part of the program, whose spouse's affairs evolved into 4,5, 10 year affairs. Recovery is impossible as long as there is any contact at all.

But, I wonder why he would he would have any motivation to end his affair there are no consequences to his continued contact?

Both myself and OWH found out about the A the same week in June '06 because of cell phone usage on our bills. WS immediately got an affair phone in the same calling plan to coverup continued contact from OWH, but I found the affair phone 1 week later. The second Dday for OWH was when they were on vacation in Canada and OW was calling my WS multiple x's a day. OWH overhead one of the conversations. OWH exposed to OW's entire family at their family reunion in Canada.

I absolutely understand the principle of contact = no recovery. I'm beating myself against a stone wall trying to get WS to understand. I also know I can't force him into NC.

I just don't want to rush into Plan B if the affair is "all in his head" and OW says it's over. Is going to Plan B the right way to enforce a NC boundry?

You can't force him into nc, but you CAN enforce your boundaries and remove yourself from the triangle. To do nothing about his continued contact is to ENABLE him. He has NO MOTIVATION to end his affair and is CAKE EATING.

And the affair is not over until contact ends. She may be rebuffing his overtures TODAY, but she won't tomorrow. The affair is still ongoing and there will be no recovery until contact ends. Recovery is impossible.

But res, HOW do you know that the OWH knows about the affair if you have never spoken to him? Is there some reason you have not contacted him and allied forces with him?

Can you answer these questions:

1. do they still work together?

2. how do you know the OWH knows?

3. To whom was the affair exposed at work?

4. And how do you know it was?

My WS was extremely open about the A after Dday. He showed absolutely no respect for me by talking to the OW in front of me on their affair phone. He had basically divorced me months ago and says he celebrated their new relationship regardless of the pain inflicted on me.

So, I know that the OWH found out about the A 2 days after I did. I know that the OWH exposed the A to her family at their reunion in Canada the first week of August. I am the one who exposed the affair at work. But, they could care less. The corporation is so large and mis-managed, that no one in HR or lower level management would give me the time of day.

So, today is day one of Plan B. I took all of your comments to heart during the night and prayed for strength and direction to make a decision. I have been ready for this day for about 3 months now and just needed to make my final decision. I had previously consulted Steve Harley and an attorney on me leaving my home and there is no reason for me to stay here based on our state's laws. We have no children and by the time any abandonment clause would take effect (1 year) I will have either kick his butt into recovery or will be ready to file for D.

So, my car is just about packed and I rewrote by PBL again this morning. A mutual friend of ours will be the intermediary. WS will find the letter when he comes home from work at 4 p.m. today.

I am done enabling and being a doormat. WS needs to know what he will be loosing if he decides to close the door on our marriage.

I will not have access to email until tomorrow at work. Please pray for me. I am so afraid of loosing the man I have loved for over 25 years.

gulp! Res, this happened very suddenly! Where do you plan on going? Do you understand that the point of Plan B is to protect YOUR boundaries and not to force your H into compliance?

I do understand. I just can't do this anymore. Steve Harley told me I would know when I was ready. I will go by my parents temporarily and then - who knows? I have not been very good at enforcing ANY boundries through this whole mess. He has pretty much walked all over me and rubbed my nose in the sh?t. I need to protect myself and what I have left of my dignity.

Res, have you consulted with an attorney about getting him removed in a legal seperation agreement due to the abuse of his affair?

A legal separation in our state takes the same amount of money, time and paperwork as a D. The attorney suggested against it.

I have to log off now. Thank you for your support.