Hi everyone,

I've been reading posts for a few days and hadn't really planned on posting myself, but the advice given by people here seems so genuine and caring that I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask a few questions of my own. A little background on me and my husband... He confessed to a two-year affair a little over a month ago. It pretty much devastated me but I held it together when he told me (which surprised both of us). I actually confronted the OW about an hour after he told me and asked her to not have any more contact with him. They haven't seen each other since before I found out. She did call a few times during the first week and told him that it wouldn't work (our marriage) and I had to listen to him console her and tell her that "this was the right thing to do". Then her friend starting calling him saying that she thought the OW might hurt herself.... This upset him too of course, but he told her the same thing that he was going to try to work it out.

The reason this hit me so hard is because I never knew we had anything to work out. We never argued (except for the occasional bickering about driving skills and household chores), he seemed truly happy with our life, he only saw her at work so I NEVER EVER suspected that he was having an affair. I never even knew this woman existed because he had never mentioned her. He never seemed uphappy, but was apparently unhappy when it began and says he just got caught up in the whole thing and couldn't stop. Something else I should add, these past few weeks things have come out about dozens of other girls whom he has worked with and had very inappropriate relationships with.

When he first told me about the affair I asked if he thought we should go to counceling and he said he thought that would be a good idea. We started going 2 days later. He actually said that he had wanted to go to counceling for years, but didn't want to tell me that because he didn't want me to know that he thought we had problems. So instead, this is how he dealt with his unhappiness...

We have been doing a good job communicating and he has answered all of my questions (and there have been a lot!). He seems to be really excited about our future and says he doesn't even think about her and when she does pop into his mind he tries to just think about something else. Since he quit his second job he has been home so much more and that has been wonderful for his relationship with our two boys. It has been a great help to me too. Overall, I think we're headed in the right direction, but I just had a few questions for anyone who has been in this situation:

1. Should I trust him when he says that he hasn't had contact with her? I've always trusted him completely and that is probably why this was such a huge shock to me. I want to do what is the most productive for our marriage, but at the same time I really don't want to get hurt like this again.

2. Has anyone had a parent or in-law who has had an affair and did this affect yours or your spouse's view of marriage? His mother has been married three times and has divorced all three men with someone else already lined up each time. She is currently involved in a 10-year affair with a married man and she has had the same boyfriend since she left my husband's dad over 15 years ago. My husband told her about his affair 6 months ago and she has never let on to me that he was even unhappy. Now I believe that she was giving him the same advice that all his friends were that he just needed to do whatever he needed to be happy. Oh, and never tell me about it...

I have more questions, but I feel like this is enough reading for one post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for any responses. I don't know of anyone personally who has been in this situation and gotten through it. Most people opt for divorce without even trying, but I am willing to try everything.

How long have you been married, any kids?

Most people don't opt for divorce without trying - that's a myth. Most people try to work it out, and believe it or not, most actually do.

You said something about "inappropriate relationships" with many other women at work - what were those like? Was he also having sex with them, etc.?

Inner-Strength

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place.

You should not trust 100% of anything at this point. Trust has to be earned. Basically try to allow him to earn your trust back, but verify when possible.

Yes I do believe when people grow up with A's in their family framework, they are affected and can repeat the same mistake.

The other "inappropriate relationships" also has me concerned. What were they? Flirting? EA's?

Keep posting and try to read up on this site. If you can purchase Surviving an Affair. It can be purchased on this site.

If you do keep reading, you'll find MANY people who have gotten through it. Keep posting and you'll see them.


Take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself. And keep reading.

IS, part of the problem is that you did trust him in the past. That is how a spouse gets away with leading a double life. It is not lack of trust that harms a marriage, but too much trust.

But no, you should not trust him, he is untrustworthy. You should watch him like a hawk until he earns your trust. It is up to him to earn your trust. He should give you cellphone passwords, voicemail passwords and account to you for every minute of his day. This will help him EARN trust.



Do you know for a fact she was giving his this dreadful advice? In my case, my father was immoral and had many affairs. He believed very much that you should do "whatever makes you happy." [thank God he wasn't a serial killer!] Even so, what really matters is what your H believes, not his mother.

A couple of really good books that will help you are Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. They will help you understand what has led to this.

I would also suggest that you ask him to send her a no contact letter written together and mailed by you telling the OW to never ever contact him again. He should agree to never ever contact her in any way, and to NEVER take her calls. Here is a good article outlining what has to happen to recover your marriage:

Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Sorry you are here, IS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

No contact letter from SAA:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she&#65533;s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

We'll be married 7 years in June. We have two boys (4 and almost 2). This affair began when I was 8 months pregnant with our second. Obviously I wasn't meeting his sexual needs in the way that he needed then.

Ironically, we have had the book His Needs, Her Needs for about 5 years now and I have tried to get him to read it with me several times throughout our marriage. I never thought we were in danger of an affair, I just wanted us to always be aware of how to meet each others needs. He's always claimed that "he wasn't a reader", so I just read it myself and tried to meet the needs I knew he had. I will admit that since having kids I put their needs before his quite often and probably resented him for not putting them first too. In the first few weeks after I found out, I did way more apologizing than him for my part in this. I know that there is no excuse for an affair, but I also take responsibility for not meeting his needs and letting our relationship slip so far away.

As for the inappropriate relationships, he has admitted to having close relationships and confiding in several women, giving them massages (he is all about physical touch) and telling pretty much everyone about how unhappy he was, how I didn't give him enough sex, how I didn't keep the house clean enough, etc. He is a paramedic and is in and out of hospitals all day long, so he sees tons of nurses, receptionists, techs. He never mentioned anyone except the guys he worked with so I never thought he saw these women long enough to form relationships. Obviously, this is a BIG problem in the healthcare industry. All of the men he works with are either divorced because of an affair, married having an affair, or single but sleeping with a married woman. I think that's why it was so easy for him, because everyone was covering for everyone else.

I do not believe that he had sex with anyone else, but I think if it hadn't been this one woman it would have been another. He actually told me that a few months ago the OW broke it off with him because another girl who works at the same hospital came to her and told her that he was being inappropriate with her and she thought she should know. Of course, it didn't occur to her that his wife might want to know too! We are working on all of this and he has been more than willing to call me several times a day, let me know who he works with, and basically just tell me about his day like he never used to. He DID lead a double life for years and he seems relieved to not be doing that anymore. I think he had given up on us and when I didn't kick him out he realized that this was his chance to change something that he didn't think he could.

Yes, I do know that his mom was telling him never to tell me. She got mad at him when he did tell me. Then she got mad at me after I found out that she had known for 6 months and not said anything. Her exact words were "what did you want me to do?!". I said well you could have told him to tell me or you could have at least told him to let me know that he was unhappy or else you were going to. He has a younger sister and I asked her what if her husband was cheating on her and his mom knew about it but never told her anything. Her answer made me sick.... She said that he HAD cheated on her and she herself (my husband's mom) found out about it. She told him to end it and she wouldn't say anything. He said he ended it and my sister-in-law still does not know to this day. What am I supposed to do with that information now!!! His sister and I are really close and now I know that her husband cheated on her too. Anyway, what little respect I had for his mom has gone out the window. He really has no respect for her either. He just knew that she would be someone to support him and tell him that everything was okay as long as he was making himself happy.

ML-

Thanks for the link to Recovery after an Affair. I've learned so much from this site and from all of the wonderful people here already. I will refer to those tips often during the coming weeks and months.

Trust is earned. He must be completely open in all things with you.

You both should learn to use active listening that I described in another thread to deal with things that you or he need to talk about.

Healthcare is one of those jobs that require emotional context to be the most effective. He will always be at risk to become a cheating spouse. You will always have to be a sounding board for him about his day and some of the horrible stuff he sees and experiences. He needs you. It speaks highly of him that he confessed in spite of how his mother advised him. As for her, well, in my opinion, she's a s...k and doesn't need to be around your kids or husband.

Anything or anyone that harms your marriage must be dealt with, the marriage must be your first priority. Fight for your marriage against all things including your actions and attitudes.

You sister in law should be able to learn from this episode with you two and you should share everything you learn with her. Be open and be a friend to her. She may suspect, and if she asks, be truthful. But for now, don't get involved.

22-

Thanks for your reply. As far as communication has gone the past few weeks, he has been totally honest about his day-to-day life and about the past. It is really hard though when he has always seemed to be honest in the past and was always very reassuring that me and the kids were all he thought about. But at the same time I thought we had this great marriage, I never knew about the double life that he led as soon as he got out of our driveway.

The situation with his mom is very difficult. She lives on the opposite side of the country though so we only see her a few times a year. He has always had a close relationship with her (when talking to her), but tells me how he doesn't agree with her lifestyle, choices, etc. I know that he shares the same values that I do, but I really think he just got caught up in the whole crazy life that his friends were leading. Plus he has never had any role model for a good marriage other than my parents.

His needs, Her needs has really opened my eyes to how fragile marriages are if you aren't meeting each others needs. I think we were both trying to make each other happy, but in ways that would make us happy. Does that make sense?

As for my sister-in-law, I have no idea what to do. The town they live in is very small and a lot of the families (I would say the majority) have been broken apart because of an affair. It sounds crazy, but it's true. They get divorced then remarry one of their friends who has gone through a divorce, then they all see each other all the time and act like it's nothing. Very stange place... Anyway, she probably does suspect that he has cheated on her and might even know for sure, but doesn't want anyone to know. I've talked to her more openly in the past month than we ever have and she shared some pretty deep resentments toward their mom that she's never told anyone. I feel bad for her...