my wife and i have had a pretty rocky past. we have been married for almost 5 years now. arguing on and off the whole marriage.ive made her i'll do better promises the whole marriage, but very rarely kept them. 2 weeks ago we had a major falling out. she left. shes been staying with family and will occasionally come back home for a night or 2. she WILL not even talk about working it out this time. ive promised her things in the past and never held up to my end of the deal. since shes been gone, ive realized shes the most important thing in my life and would do anything to convince her of that. how can i make her see im serious this time?

Well, first off you need to actually change. Seeing is believing. You wife has lost faith in you through your own actions. I personally think it’s unfair to even ask her to believe yet another promise. If I were in her shoes, and I was, being asked to believe in a promise showed a lack of respect for my feelings.

So, does that mean all hope is lost? NO! You know what you promised to do in the past. DO IT NOW.

Also, read this entire web site and the books His Needs/Her Needs, and LoveBusters. LoveBusters are those actions we do that drain the love of spouses have for us. They are Dishonesty, Disrespectful judgments, Selfish demands, Annoying Behaviors and Angry Outbursts. Another behavior which can cause problems is Independent Behavior—that’s doing stuff your spouse is unenthusiastic about. For example, hanging out at bars after work instead of coming home, spending all weekend glued to the games on TV, or buying a new plasma TV with the vacation money.

After you have stopped draining her love, you can start recreating it by meeting her emotional needs. Keep in mind these needs are often different from yours. In other words, initiating sex may not get you the points you think it should. Or it may.

While you’re making all these changes, you can’t ask her for anything. Don’t ask her to change because she’s the one who wants out. If you ask her to change, she figure it’s not worth it, and slap divorce papers on you. Don’t ask her to believe your changes are for real. It may take months before she has any faith that these are lasting changes. (And that’s the key: These have to be permanent changes—not just changes to get her back and then you go back to the old way. If you revert to the old you, she will be gone and you won’t get another chance.)

On the other hand, you can be sweet and nice to her, and if she responds, great. If she wants to spend time with you, that’s terrific. Make it as pleasant as possible.

Once your wife figures out the changes are real and lasting, then you can ask her to make some adjustments like read His Needs/Her Needs and LoveBusters, maybe go to counseling. You all can learn to negotiate for a team win by following the Policy of Joint Agreement.

It sounds daunting, but once she’s on board, it will feeling challenging and exciting.

she came by tonight and we talked for a long time. she said she didnt know whether to take the chance and believe me, or just call it quits. she said she didnt want anyone else and she still loved me. could you give me some advice on how to prove to her im serious. in my opinion it will be hard to prove since shes not living with me. i dont know where to start.

For starters, what did you do or not do that drove her away in the first place?

You know the things that are the biggest issues. Start tackling those.

And, don't push her. Let her see the positive changes. You "saying" you have or will change won't make a difference. Talk is cheap.

Is there a possibility that there is someone else or is the separation just a product of a rocky relationship?