OK so I posted about two weeks ago. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=5#Post3169913

Since then I thought things were getting better. It was like nothing was wrong things were actually better than they were before. Then OW calls again. I get mad and start asking questions about it. We get into the whole conversation about us working everything out. He says he still feels the same way. He loves me but is not in love with me, he is not attracted to me anymore, etc. He also says this is not going to change. So I asked did he want me to leave. He said yes. Times before when I had asked if he wanted me to leave he said no. I left and went to my mom's (I have been there since Saturday night.) We talked yesterday a little and things were the same (he seems angry). Then when I was in church he left a voicemail on my phone that said......."you want my real answer, f*** love, i want sex and if you can give me good sex then i guess we can be together." i didn't call him. he called last night and was acting all nice and asked me to dinner, i didn't go, then he said i thought you were coming home. I said I don't feel like you want me there. Then we talked on the phone for like 30 mins. then hung up with no "i love yous" am I doing the right thing? is this going to make him miss me or see that he doesn't want me in his life? i need some help please.....i just want my husband back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

First of all, get back home, you can't fix a M when you are separated. Secondly, stop with the LBs. You can't win him back if you are constatly arguing with him. Has anything been physical with the OW? Have you exposed to OWH?

Start trying to meet his ENs. It sounds like his #1 EN is SF. If he hasn't been with OW my advice to you is start banging the he11 out of him. It may seem awkward and forced at first, but the more you do it, the more natural and gratifying it will feel. Give him what he wants, GREAT SEX! Read a book with sexual techniques in it, and show him some new tricks. Buy some new lacy lingerie. Try to have SF with him at least once every day. I know women may think that it is degrading to have sex when you don't want to but sex is a VERY important EN for most men. It is like conversation to a woman. I didn't want to talk about stupid stuff with my WW when she was fooling around with OM, but I did what I needed to do to win her back. Once you've started building back the love bank, you need to get him to get a job where he doesn't work with the OW. NC is necessary because if something happens and their is a lull in your sex life, his mind will start wandering again.

His #2 need is most likely admiration. Compliment him when he looks or smells nice or when he does something around the house. Feed his ego.

I try. When I was there and thought everything was good I was doing EVERYTHING! he asked whenever. I don't feel like he wants me to and I'm scared of rejection.

From a guy's point of view I HATED that I always had to be the one to initiate. It made me feel that my WW didn't want ME, just felt like she had to. Make him feel wanted. Don't worry about rejection, worry about saving your M. Wouldn't it be worth it to get turned down a few times if it ultimately saved your M? Shoot, I got turned down all the time before my WW's A. We had SF about twice a month. I have had SF with my WW in SIX MONTHS!!! I'm still trying. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have you talked to the other woman's husband and exposed the affair?

I have not directly talked to the other woman's husband yet. I have emailed him and gotten no response. He is out of town with her for this week. WHat should I say to him?



I just feel like I want him to ask me to come home before I do.....

It is essential that you talk to him, and let him know that there is an affair, your husband says he doesn't love you (or whatever he is spouting), and OW keeps calling. Let him know what OW is telling your husband. Ask his help in trying to end the affair.

Once OW is out of the picture, your husband will care about you again. Also, they cannot have any contact, so if they work together, one will have to quit.

Update: I exposed everything to OWH. They talked and OW told my husband Saturday that she was going to try to work things out with her husband. My husband was in a tyrant about this, he was very upset about this decision she had made. While he was mad he also made the comment he still didn't know if he was in love with me. He is applying for new jobs and we are (at least I am) legitimately trying to work things out. Is there any Hope?

Of course he is upset but ABSOLUTELY there is hope!! Use this time to start meeting his needs and he will fall in love with you again.

Meeting his needs like sex and all that? Should I just aact like nothing is wrong and satisfy his wants and needs both sexually and not? I am still kinda mad he was so upset about it. Do I need to force myself to do those things?

OK should I feel out the situation over the next week or seek counseling now. Counseling is expensive but could be afforded. Does anyone think we can do it without counseling?