I've posted here before about my current situation but here is everything in a quick blurb.....
My WW had an EA during a dark period in our marriage. She had decided that things were too much work and that she needed to step back and cut herself off emotionally from our family (son- 4, step-daughter- 13)to protect herself and make herself happy. By coincidense she hired someone new at the company she runs about the same time and they became instant best friends. This friendship included staying 3-4 hours late at work to talk and share, unbeknownest to me... I was told she had paper work to do, I didnt find out about him and the "friendship" for 3 months. She swears that they never left together, have never been anywhere together other then her office, and that she never told me because I wouldnt understand. Of course I told her how I feel about this "friendship" and the lies/betrayal.

Fast forward 3 months.... we are in councilling, but wife isnt working on us other than once a week. She is "too bsy and too tired" to devote her time to mending our marriage. Her career is her source of happiness, so she continues to work 60-70 hrs a week, which has been a chief source of our marital conflict for years. She works so much that she has only had at most an hour a week to spend on our marriage, we have sex maybe once a month, and none of my EN or SN are being met. Nor does she care, when these are brought up I am told that they are my problems so i must deal with them.

To "help" me out with my feelings of insecurity about her "friendship" (she refuses to stop seeing him) my wife has decided that she will only have lunch with him...everyday. Sometiumes they invite other peopole sometimes not. I have met him and I'm not sure if he even knows the conflict that his presence is inflicting. Since my wife sees nothing wrong with her having a friendship that her husband doesnt condone why would she tell him. I oly found this out the other day because she had let something about her lunch slip out. So much for working on TRUST.

My wife found out the other day that the parent company is shutting down the manufacturing company she runs. Instead of talking to me about what to do, I was informed hours later that she would be doing whatever it takes to keep the company going... can we put the marriage issues aside for now so she can focus on this? Will this damage our marraige? I am still stunned that my wife who couldnt find any time or energy for me and our marraige hass now found the time and energy to save her job. I had hoped that once the company closed she would focus on us. I guess that wont heppen now.

I am at a loss, I am LOST.

I don't know what to do?

Can anyone point me in a direction that will either save me or save my marraige.

I am in planA, the wife has commented on how she is happier now then she has ever been. For her it is going great. Her EN are being met by me, her "friend", and her career.

What am I to do?

So your wife had one EA and this is another one???



Councilling won't work while your ww is in an A.



Nice of her to cut it down to only having lunch with OM.

Your wife here: "Will you please stop asking about our poor M, I need to work on keeping my job and OM job also. I don't want us to be seperated you know."

Best thing right now would be for your wife and OM to lose their jobs. You will need to let the "big" boss know what is going on. I'm sure that the CO. doesn't want a lawsuit on their hands. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

No, I hope there has been only one. But since I didnt catch on to this one for a while who knows.

Yeah, I had hoped that the closing of the company would force her away from the OM. Also would force her to get another job more condusive to being in a marraige, or at least wouldn't give her an excuse not to be in ours.

Ditto. Give this the exact same treatment as if it were a full-fledged A, because it is.

It doesn't matter if they have already had sex, though they probably have, the monster is exactly the same, and it dies the same way they all do:

Patience, Plan A, Plan B.

When she is ready to go NC, you have a chance to recover. Right now you are at war.

ctwelsh,

I posted to you before asking a few questions. I don't think I ever got the answers. My take on this is simple, your W is having two EA's. One with her job and the need for power. One with the new assistant. I suspect one of them might break up, I doubt that both of them will unless something traumatic happens.

At first blush I would think, as you apparently do, that if her job vanished she would then turn to you and the family. But, in reality I doubt it. Nothing short of a complete intervention of some sort by something beyond your ability to bring about will change her mind.

I don't say this lightly, but I really think you should consider leaving this woman, and filing for full custody of your child. If she would allow it seek custody of your step child as well.

I know this is not an answer you want. But, I also know that the woman you love does not exist right now, and may never have existed. Her previous marriage/relationship failed and one can guess why...neglect on her part. Surely, this one is failing because of neglect.

So it seems to me you have two choices.

1. Continue to be and expect to be a long suffering husband that hangs on because... You could just continue your life with your children as if she does not exist and the three of you make a life.

2. File for divorce seeking full custody of your child.

I doubt plan A will work in this case because her need for the job and to succeed is not just an emotional affair. Her lack of care or understanding concerning your needs, your families needs suggest a myopia that only a few men I have known had. And guess what, all of their marriages ended as well.

I really don't like what I have said to you. I however do think it is a realistic assessment of your situation. I hope and wish that I am wrong.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

I'm trying to make this work, I want this marraige to last. I don't want to be separated from my son on "her" visitation days.

But I don't know what else to do.

Her BIG steps in our MC has been to start treating me better. Which is good, it means she no longer treats me with disdain and like I'm ******. The way she did for most of last year. Othre than that her "work" on us has mostly been not to brush me away when I try some minor PDA. My marriage is cold.

I'm miserable, she tells me that "she is sorry that she is not the woman I thought I had married". All I want to tell her is to try and be her.

I pray that GOD will help me through this. But I don't know what else I'm supposd to do. I'm the doormat, and I want to be her husband instead.

What about calling Steve Harley? HE is the real pro at this. Probably has seen your sitch before.

Maybe2L,

Excellent suggestion.

JL

HOW....WHEN...WHAT DO I DO TO CONTACT HIM?

Top of this page. Click on counseling center. His office will help you set up an apt.

I called him 2x and he was a big help.

Such fun to be home tonight....My "loving" wife has begun to push me out and cut me off emotionally. The possible loss of her career and her OM has her mad and scared. She's taking it all out on me, lashing out in anger but not letting me close enough to her to help or comfort her.

What am I supposed to do....Do I stand fast in plan A and keep trying to be there for her and take the pain. OR do I step back, plan B and protect myself and my heart and let her deal with as she wants- alone at home but with OM at work?

I'm torn and unsure of what to do......

clam down some. I know this hurts to be in this place. You need to plan A more than ever.

First, be there for her. Let her know that you feel for her pain. Sick isn't it? Let her know it's ok to talk about the job loss or how she feels about OM. Be STRONG with this. You want her to talk to you about this and not to go to the OM with her problems. Be her rock.

Come here to vent, but no venting to her. Got it?

CTW,

Maybe2L's advice is very good. I would suggest adding something as well. That would be your boundaries. You need to establish what you will tolerate in her behavior and what you won't. You need to think of this now. Why,because you need to get your speech down so that you don't LB, but you do convey your message.

You are a strong forgiving man, BUT...you won't accept blame for...

You are sorry she feels down and will help as you can, BUT you won't tolerate...

My point! While in plan A and in this situation you need to be a STRONG CARING man. Not a doormat.

Further, she is about to pay the price for putting all of her eggs in the WORK basket, when in fact where they should have been placed is in her marriage. Be kind, lend a sympathetic ear, but set your boundaries and protect them.

You are on a tightrope, but you can do this.

God Bless,

JL

so quick question to clarify about boundaries,

"You are sorry she feels down and will help as you can, BUT you won't tolerate..."

How do you express what you will do if the intolerable behavior continues? Or is it more that you say you will not tolerate, DO NOT tell what the alternatives are and just do them? How do you advise that your actions were consequences of her crossing the boundary or just not discuss that at all?

Truth be told....I don't love her right now. She has burned that out of me. HER actions and choices have hurt me and our marriage. To have someone tell you they love you but then argue that they only have an hour a week to spend with you and that will just have to suffice makes you feel like your nothing more than something stuck under their shoe.

CTW,
I feel that you and I are probably in very similar places right now. I have asked myself if I want this work, if she "deserves" me etc. If it weren't for our two children, the answer would probably be NO. Anyway, these guidelines can help you form a plan to do what you feel is best for YOU.

I am going to get a paper day planner (usually use outlook but need to bring it with me wherever I go) and set specific goals related to the do's and don'ts, then execute the plan. I'll also probably use it like a journal to gauge my own thoughts and feelings to see where I am going. I am still pretty confused.

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Talked to our marriage councilor last night at our weekly MC session. WW couldn't be there, late getting off from work. "Something" kept her there to long, I don't know what and I didn't ask (yes, that's a dig at WW). Councilor told me that I should look at my wife's relationship to her career as an addiction. She's addicted to something about it... the power from being the boss, the prestige, the stress, something. Until she recognizes that she has a problem there is nothing I can do for her. She has a history of pushing aside her marriage and family for htis career and that will not stop any time soon.

This really hit home today when I woke up at 2:30 am and couldn't find my wife in the house. I noticed her car was gone, when I called her office she asnswered. She went in early to get started on paperwork.... 3 hours early.

I'm not sure what to do.......
If I stay I risk being a doormat for a "career addict",
But if I go, I lose my marriage.

I pray that GOD will help her find her way, but I'm not sure she's listening to HIM anymore.

CTW,

It seems to me your counselor is on the money. The question you have to answer is do you have a marriage or not. I know you are married, but do you have a marriage to save?

You must determine this. Or to put it in the old Ann Landers form "would you better off with her or without her?" That is for you to answer.

I doubt her addiction to the job will change. This especially true if she feels it is threatened...which she does. So are you happy being the sole parent to the kids? Are you happy living your own life with little or no input from her? Are you willing to possibly share her focus with another man, her job, and yes you?

I know it sounds as if I am guiding you toward divorce. And on the face of it from the outside looking in, it seems that the answers to these questions are obvious. However, from your perspective they are NOT obvious, nor are they simple to answer. But, for your own piece of mind you are going to have to answer them and then act accordingly.

I think you know all of this and I am probably just repeating what you are thinking, but those answers must come from you. Take your time and see how you feel deep down. Has your counselor offered you any actions to address your W's addiction to her job and perhaps this other man?

If not why not? If so what were they?

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Hi CTW,

Dr Harley says you can't work on the marriage until the addiction is taken care of.
Read this link, but use your W's job in place of alcohol.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

I read down the page, and came to the same conclusion as your C before I read what C had said about it being an addiction. It has all the hallmarks.

Especially note what Dr Harley says at the bottom about not being able to follow the policy of joint agreement.

"My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol."

Your W's addiction does the same thing - and there is no chance of having a good marriage while she is in the grips of this addiction.

I advise reading JL's suggestions again. I know you don't want to get a D, but as was asked - do you really have a marriage now?

Your choices seem to be to continue as you are now, or to find a way to change things. I agree with JL that it will take a VERY BIG CHANGE.

I don't believe that meeting needs, talking to her, or asking her nicely will make any difference at all.

Also note what Dr Harley says about intervention.

The only tool you may have is separation, or divorce.

I do recommend you get a good Lawyer, and protect yourself. Remember that the addiction is more important to her than you are - she has already shown that. I recommend you find out what you have to do to protect yourself, and your children before you do any thing else. Once you know your options, it will be easier to make a decision.

None of this will be easy. It may mean the end of your marriage - such as it is.

If you don't want to keep things as they are, but aren't ready for D, consider legal separation.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. God be with you.

SS

How do you know when it is time to say "no more"? I'm not there yet, I know this. I still have things to work on and to try and do better on. But my wife is not there, she's off on her own now (figuritively not literally). But I'm not sure how much more of THIS I'm supposed to take.

When is enough...enough?

At what point will I know that I have tried and I will be able to hold up my head and say so.

I believe that GOD wants all marraiges to last, but at what point would it be acceptable in HIS eyes for me to say no more? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />