CTW,

You will know when enough is enough. I do think you owe your W the courtsey of telling her when you are getting close to throwing in the towel.

I have been here a long time and I can tell you, there is no formula, no pattern, no schedule for you to know when enough is enough. Only you, and your heart can tell you that. Use your faith as a guide and I think you will end up where you are supposed to be.

One thing I do know for sure, is that you won't regret giving it your best, you won't regret making changes for the better, you won't regret focusing on the kids, you won't regret giving her a much of a chance as you can. You will leave a better man, a better father, and much better able to be in a loving relationship when it comes, either with your W or not.

So hang in there and trust yourself.

God Bless,

JL

CTW,

You will know when it it time, It will come to you in a moment of peace.

I am also of the opinion the the real opponent that you are facing here is her addiction to her job. That is where her real addiction lies.

I also work 60 - 70 hours a week at my "offical" job. I look forward to going home and being with my W and children. I suspect that when your W gets home she is looking forward to going back to her job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Something drastic is going to have to happen to change her priorities. "Rock Bottom" as we refer to it here. Right now she is desperate and terrified that her "fix" (job) may be ending. She is lashing out at first available safe target (guess who???). I truly believe that both you and OM are "secondary" to her need for a "career". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I normally would not recommend seperation in order to "work" on a marriage. But I do wonder if that wouldn't help get your W to rock bottom faster? (Job going away, OM going away, You and children going away). Once they have truly hit rock bottom they may be more willing to look into how they got there and what they can do to "fix" things.

It might mean a brand new marriage / relationship with more balance. BUT it is a HUGE risk. The flip side of that is: What kind of a marriage to you have now?

Have you looked into what a seperation might entail / what the logistics might be? It may well be worth some time to explore this possibility. I am not recommending doing this right now but the knowledge would be worthwhile.

I also wanted to mention that the advise that you're getting from everyone is spot on.

Stay Strong!

Question...........

As I'm trying to figure out what to do, do I still plan A my wife? Am I still to be the perfect husband as she continues in her fog? Overlooking her "friendship" and addiction to her job? How is any different then me being the doormat?

HELP!!!!!!!

CTW,

Why not plan A her? If you are ready for plan B, have you made a plan for how you are going to execute it. As for being a doormat, think about this very carefully. Being kind, being faithful, being a good father, and a good H is NOT being a doormat.

By the same token in plan A there are personal boundaries that you should protect.

No, one is telling you to be a doormat. In fact, everyone is telling you to really think about this marriage and how it is affecting you and your children. They are telling you to make decisions about remaining in the marriage or leaving. The are and I am now telling you to consider plan B, but don't go off half cocked. Plan to enter plan B, plan how the children will be handled, plan on who your intimedary will be for the children. Plan on who leaves and who stays, plan on how to handle financial stuff. Plan and do some more, THEN...ACT.

Doormats don't plan and act. If you picked up anything from all of us, it is that you SHOULD ACT. But do so with a plan, a goal and a purpose. Not out of emotional feelings.

Does that answer your question? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

What do you do when your spouse does not believe that saving the marriage is a priority in her life?

How are you to react upon hearing that they are happy with how things are, and that the happiest they have been in a long time? Given that they are getting their happiness at the cost of your happiness, by looking for what they want from their job and the "friendship" of another man.

In my situation, that is exactly the advice I need to follow. Looking at yours, implement that as well.

I agree, the decision to give up will come to you in a moment of peace. I have a saying, life is too short for giving up. I believe in marriage, I believe in loving one person for my whole life, and I would regret not trying to save my marriage. It is NOT easy to save your marriage on your own, but look at it this way: You are halfway there. It takes two, but you are already committed.

It is emotionally tough to both try and save your marriage and become a better person. I saw this quote on these boards somewhere: It is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.

Best wishes, hang in there, and God bless

What do you do on Valentine's day" I really need some ideas here because spending a "romanatic" evening with her is not on my list of things I really want to do right now. I'm not even sure she will want to either. I proposed taking off for the weekend after just the two of us, that idea went over like a lead balloon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Any thoughts.....