Well I stand corrected on the "never" However I have seen you post on exposure many (is that better?) times always with warnings.

Exposure to a new BS is totally counter-intuitive and your "warnings" only serve to feed the fears of vulnerable people.

It is my observation and personal experience that exposure is the most productive thing a BS can do to kill an affair.

Email sent, Jim.

Thanks again.

About time. Let them know about the kissing, fondling, and Dale's continued pursuit including the Valentine's thing. Bring proof. Also, ask her parents not to enable her if she chooses Dale over her M and decides to move out.


Instead of saying you changed your mind, tell her you thought about things and were mistaken about what you said because you cannot live with this situation especially after she admitted to a PA with Dale and he continues to pursue her.


In addition to that, she needs to change her cell phone number and delete his. If she refuses, turn off her cell phone if you pay for it. Let her know that she all insurance will be cut off as well as soon as she is gone.


Tell her relationship with Dale is hurting you and you cannot allow yourself to continue to be used, hurt, and walked all over. Let her know that you love her and want to work this out, but you will not sacrifice your dignity to do so.

Exposing to everyone will really piss her off, so I would wait a little while (at least a few days) before you have this conversation with her. She will likely spew pure venom and not give a [censored] about what you have to say right after you exposed her A to her work, family, and Dale's parents. Give her time to cool off before you have any conversations like this. For the first few days, I would just be calm, detached (because she is going to try and hurt you, so don't let her bait you into arguing with her), and willing to meet her ENs when she will let you (i.e. get her breakfast in the morning, pick her up some chocolate, etc.).

My plan was to have the conversation with her tonight and expose tomorrow. Is this a bad idea?

Oh, that would work.

I sent you two emails back. Make sure you read the second one.

I got your emails, Jim. And I read the second one twice, just to make sure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again!

Why wait on the exposure?

You don't use exposure as a threat or bargaining chip 2 get her 2 stop contact.

You expose because it's the right thing 2 do.

Why would it be "righter" after your convo with her 2night?

Also, about calling SH or JHC (not the man upstairs) for coaching. Weigh the cost of that against the cost of divorce. Which would you rather pay for, if you don't get 2 choose "neither"?

-ol' 2long

NST,

Don't fear your WW. Enforce your boundaries, but feed her admiration any chance you get. OM is a master at it and that is why she is drawn to him. Engage her in conversation, and tell her how good she looks. Keep plugging away. You have the upper hand, NST. She has no money and nowhere to go. She NEEDS you, but has been emotionally blackmailing you to get what she wants. Keep the faith. You'll get through this.

Update

I haven't had "the talk" with V yet, regarding my unwillingness to tolerate her contacting Dale any further.

I have decided to do this tomorrow evening (Thursday). I have some very important things to take care of at work on Thursday, and I can't be a wreck if the outcome of our talk is as I suspect it will be. Also, I have local support available Thursday evening and then through Friday and the weekend (my closest friend in the area) -- which I'll need.

My current (rough) plan is to tell V that I simply cannot go on tolerating her continued contact with Dale. I feel hurt and disrespected every time she has contact with him and each time she lies to me, and I have to protect myself as well as my love for her. What this means is that if she is going to continue having contact with him, we cannot live under the same roof.

She has already mentioned several times a vague "plan" of hers to live elsewhere, and she'll have to put that plan into action if she wishes to maintain contact with Dale.

I'll also tell her that she will not receive any financial support from me in any form if she leaves.

If she decides to leave but cannot do so immediately, until she does leave she cannot have ANY contact with Dale, while she's at home or otherwise. She will also be responsible for all of her own bills as well as half of any rent for the period she stays. And as of the day she moves out, she will have to acquire her own vehicle and health insurance, as she will be removed from policies.

This part she won't know - If she chooses to leave (whether immediately or when she can afford to), I will begin exposure on Friday. This will include her manager as well as Dale's, Dale's parents, her mother, her sisters, and anyone else I can reach who will have some influence on her.

Or she can choose to stay and work on our marriage. This means absolutely NO contact with Dale, ever again, for life. It means we will begin counseling within 7 days. It means she has to find a new job. And it means we will actively work on the problems in our marriage.

Any advice, refinement, or suggestions for this plan would be VERY MUCH appreciated. Thanks!

I do not understand why exposure is contingent upon your wife's plans? That makes no sense.

NST -

I think you have a good guideline/idea of what to say and how to say it to your WW.

However:


First, I can't in any reasonable fashion see how you can prevent her from having contact with OM if she's at home. You can certainly request that, but if she's going to have contact, she'll find a way - at home or otherwise.

Also, I'm not sure you'd have a lot of legal standing to require her to pay half the bills, or to remove her from insurance and such without a LSA in place.

Not saying you can't state those things, just that you might have trouble enforcing them wihtout her willing acceptance.

Good luck on the talk. It's a scary one to have.

Just to clarify, BigKahuna, should I proceed with exposure even if she opts to stay, cut off contact with Dale (including a NC letter)?

Remember, I did expose initially to her parents and friends 3 months ago.

What about his parents though?

Even if she stays, NC is likely to be broken - just read Jim's story to see that.

I don't remember is OM married?

It's much easier keeping NC when the OM is under pressure at his end as well.

yeah, here's some advice:

You've still got this WRONG. Exposure is NOT a bargaining chip. It is not a THREAT. It is being truthful and honest. The affair is destroying 2 families, and it must be exposed whether your W stays, leaves, or sets up a colony of immigrants on Mars.

-ol' 2long

No. OM is not married.

Thanks for the clarification.

I'm starting to think exposure will be necessary no matter what she decides to do.

You were supposed to expose to WW and OM's employers and OM's parents today. Quit dillydallying. Start exposing and start taking your M back. I'm in no mood for p*ssyfooting around today.

This is growing old fast. Your starting to think exposure will be necessary - starting to?

You have been told by every poster here to expose no matter what your wife does or doesn't do. You expose before she does anything. These people posting to you have forgoten more posts than you have read.

I'm laying out for you.

You will not get your M back and have a loving wife until she stops talking to Dale for good.

The best first tool for doing this is exposure. Your wife will be pissed at you for this, but she will get over it. Your M can survive mad and pissed, but not you the Mrs and Dale.

Telling her this is a bad idea because how are you going to enforce it. You can SAY it to her -- but her response might be "Or what?" Don't say things that you'll end up having to stand there, fuming, about because there's no practical way for you to enforce them.

If she's on the lease, then you probably can't legally kick her out. Are YOU going to leave to enforce that boundary?

You're going to stop giving her money and only pay your part of the rent which does not translate, by the way, into her paying her half. If she's planning to leave anyway, she might not care if you get evicted. If it was me, and she wasn't able to leave right away, I'd continue meeting as many needs as feasible (strong Plan A) before she leaves then I'd enter a dark, dark Plan B.


Yes. Stick to things you actually can control without her agreement. For example, stick to actions you will take (not giving her any money is a good one). Don't dress it up with all kinds of stuff that you can't possibly accomplish (like limiting her contact if she decides to continue it) because it just reinforces to her that you don't mean what you say. It doesn't make you look stronger.

Mys

Tonight's the night.

I'm going to have a discussion with V regarding my boundaries this evening.

Myschae, you are correct in that I shouldn't make requirements which I cannot enforce. Thank you for pointing that out. I'm not going to kick her out -- she has stated previously that she had a vague plan in place for leaving, involving a female friend of a co-worker who is looking for a roommate. I am simply going to suggest that she put that plan into motion ASAP. If necessary, I am prepared to move out myself.

Regarding the rent, I make enough to cover it and my bills without a problem. I don't think she'll fight me on paying her share of the rent if she cannot leave immediately, however.

And I will do my best at a continuing Plan A until the day she actually leaves.

Exposure to bosses, parents, etc. will begin either tonight or tomorrow, as well.

Thank you so very much for your advice, everyone. I know this won't be the last of it I'll need.

Best wished to you tonight.

Keep your cool if she starts in on you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />