My WH affair lasted two months- one month no intimacy the second month there was. He was honest when I confronted him about the affair. He said he wanted to end the A but didnt know how (obviously his car controled him as it drove to her house <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) Anyway, my issue is everyday he would kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me- as if nothing was going on. I want to trust my wh so much- but I have a hard time trusting him even when he tells me he loves me. Part of me says yes trust him- he has a better attitude towards me (honey's and sweeties are back), he seems more interested in my feelings (little less selfish), he is extremely supportive of me emotionally and he agreed to go to counseling and is an active participant. But how do I really know this is not a show. He said he loved me then when he was having an A. I know have faith and he is the one that control's his actions not me- but this is hard.

He says the A started basically because we were fighting a lot (oddly enough about him checking out of marriage) and she was meeting his EN and he got carried away- thought we were going to get a divorce- he still loved me but didnt like me because of the fighting. Okay the day I found out he suddenly loves me again - says he saw how hurt I was and did not realize I still loved him at all. I am totally devasted.

How am I to trust that he is being truthful about his feelings towards himself, me, or our marriage? We are currently in counseling right now - our focus at this time is him working on providing to my EN through words. He is unable to express his emotions. He is working on it- last night he smiled at me and said- I make him feel warm inside. It made me feel good- then the other side of me said he's lying. HELP! anyone dealing with this conflict.

Thanks
Amy

This is exactly the stage I'm at right now. My husband's affair lasted 2 years and he never let on that he was unhappy throughout the whole thing. He told me he loved me everyday, we had great times together, went on dates, had vacations, made plans for the future, etc. Now he says that the whole time he was unhappy, but he still loved me just the same. Part of me thinks that he was making himself unhappy (or just told himself he was unhappy) so that he could continue the affair and feel justified.

I don't know what to tell you, but I just wanted you to know that I am feeling the same thing... I guess this process just takes time and hopefully they will earn the trust back and it will get easier.

time

Take him up on the offer for MC, and use the Harley's for your counceling. They are the experts, and cut through to the quick saving you both time and money in the long run.

Just my thought...
SD

thanks-
I am just sooo tired of it all. I hate being the detective-feeling like I have to look at his phone to see who he's called or recalling every detail of what he has said to make sure every thing fits together - just to make myself feel safe. I have told him a couple times that if he wants out and can not say it to nod and that would be fine- he just walks up hugs me and says I love you and want to be married to you. I am just tired of that part of it. I know it will take time. I'm sure we will discuss this in two weeks at counseling - as we bracketed this topic for later. anyway- I guess I was having one of those moments and needed to vent.

Thanks

It has been almost 3 years since I found out about the first affair. We had 2 good months, then my husband started the affair again. The first time he confessed, the second time I found out the hard way. It is very hard to believe what they are saying, but if you want to save your marriage you have to try. It has been 2 years and 4 months since the last D-Day and we still have our struggles. We never went through the step by step of the trust. The most important thing is that your husband learns how to make you feel secure. He needs to be 100% accountable, Honest and Patient. In the 2 years that my husband and I have been in recovery, I have hired a PI and even bought a key counter for computer. Anything to build trust. Now I am confident that he REALLY wants to make this work. Counseling didn't work for us, but Dr. Harleys emotional needs did. We are at the point were once a week we sit down and talk about my insecurities, what he has done to make me feel good and bad and how to move forward. Be honest with your partner. Right now, if you are like me you have tried to protect them, because you know they are in pain too. The problem started from not communicating. It has to end by communicating. Good luck!