GH,
Our ENs don't come from intelligence...they are our emotional selves...and when we compare ourselves...like Jemcon does...he has matured, she hasn't...OUCH...He cuts out all growth on her part...and you know us humans, we change...only constant is change...however, our view of our partner is subject to a twisted patina of resentment, obscures our judgment and stomps down our partners.
Let's not do that.
Negating, discounting, withdrawing, withholding...these are abusive. They are. If true partnering, because we are equal to each other (every human on the planet), is sharing our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives with each other...which IS intimacy...where's intellect come into play? Sharing our questions and our journeys, side by side IS partnering.
The irony in Jem's post, IMO, is this "especially planning and providing financially for college, weddings, retirement, etc.,"...a divorce sure will put a cramp into those plans.
If his wife states, "You're paranoid. You're too conservative" those are abusive statements as well. Neither are being heard or come to each other respectfully...which is KNOWING and acting from their belief they are separate and equal human beings. They are...we sure can talk ourselves around until we don't see it that way.
The very thing which was a magnet for Jem (her spiritedness, magnetism, spontaneity...can now be, after two decades, the very thing which drives him nuts...and it's HIS attraction...she is who she really is).
POJA might say to separate the finances...I know we did...and it helped to save our marriage. Broke my symbol of oneness into pieces...thankfully...because one union, one partnership is prime stuff...one bank account may spell divorce.
Respect your partner as capable...because they are. Own your own stuff and know why it's kicking your butt...first. Then share that directly with your wife, Jem. That is intimacy...knowing yourself and sharing who you are with your partner. Not dependent on her reaction.
"I fear not having money, feeling embarrassed, crippled financially. I have big dreams and really want to feel supported and understood. I'm learning about POJA and POJAing marital dreams together; would you do this with me?"
GH...when you say, "I question a lot about life and my role" that's a personal statement...doesn't require a darn thing of your partner...only to hear. Doesn't say a thing about her intellectual interest.
I believe an important act of love to do is to see our partners as new...discover who they are today...biggest killer of a joyous marriage is to nail down your partner into a box, neatly label and shelve. When we see others as new, we see ourselves.
GH, I had a strong reaction to Jem's post because I was very much like him...when I see a post I believe I could have written three years ago, I post back...because who I was then, couldn't see how much damage I was doing to my marriage, my partner...and judgment kills, like resentment, like blame...all partnerships.
LA
