I have just found this board and have not read the book SAA yet, but have ordered it.

I have found a card to my husband from a gal. The card was a Thanksgiving card, enclosed were 2 pictures of herself and it was signed "Missing You." (We have recently had a long distance move). I do not know if this was an EA or a PA. (Either is possible, wh has had a PA before.) He denies even knowing her and has no idea why someone he doesn't know would send him a card.

I don't know if she is married or not. I only have a PO box address for her (off the envelope). I wrote to her just in case she did not know he was married. She did not respond. (I gave her my email addy)

My question. When I expose WH to our Pastor should I tell my husband I am going to go talk to him. Or just do it without his knowledge? Or should I just wait until the book gets here and I can read it.

Thank you for any advice.
Tired and Hurting

Just do it without his knowledge. Don't warn WS's about exposure - just do it.

Read SAA and do what the book says.

Much of the advice that you are going to get here isn't worth a bucket of warm spit. If you really want to know what to do . . . read Dr. Harley's books and then call the phone # on this site and schedule a counseling session. After all, you do want the best chance to save your marriage don't you?



Good luck.

Tired, do some sleuthing first to find out what is really going on here. Perhaps there are some phone bills or other means you could use? I would not expose anything until you HAVE something to expose.

T & H

can you post some details about your marriage?

how long
kids
first marriage
how good/bad has the M been thus far

all the details than may help

thanks

Pep

Thank you for the replies.

BigK: Wasn't sure if I should tell him I was going to the Pastor for counseling since the card was so bothering to me, just to see if he would be willing to go. (Although it only seemed to make things worse when we went with the last A.)

MelodyLane: It is very hard to slueth. I have found some porn on his computer history although when confronted he claimed only came from popups. I don't have his password for email and when I ask for it he always says one that doesn't work and he can't figure out why it doesn't work. His cellphone is a business one (military) so I have no records to check and he wears it on his person almost 24/7 and when it's off he's got it on the charger right next him on the dresser.

Pepperband: Here are the details. Let me know if I'm missing something.

BS 47
WS 39
M 17 years
2 dd ages 11 & 6
First M for both
He had one maybe 2 other PA, the one I have proof of I found out about 8/02, (had no proof for 4 months, but I "knew" by the time it was going on for 2 months), moved out of country 10/02 but affair kept up EA with some meetings during business trips.
Moved back in country 6/03 (not near FOW) EA with meetings continued another year?? Ed Wheat's book "Love Life" helped me survive.

Moved out of country 6/06
Found card 12/02/06
Found this site 1/27/07

Marriage (I thought) was great until the 1st A. Have found us fighting more and more since then. There are some things he has never come clean about the first affair. So it is hard not to doubt when finding something like this.

Thank you folks for responding, the rock that I thought was gone from the pit of my stomach is back.

Tired & Hurting

T&H I personally find evidence to be overated. I would go to your pastor with what you have. Presumably he is pro-marriage - follow his lead and report back here.

That's my warm spit - er I mean 2c

Hm...a bucket of warm spit? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> YUCK!!! That would take a lot of work. Hmn..... Thanks for showing me where I have been wasting my time. I shall take my 'spit' and go shine some shoes.

L.

Orchid, I suspect the poor gal just doesn't have much confidence in her own advice. warm spit, indeed! **snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'd question the "warm spit" characterization myself.

Much of the advice that I've received here has been very helpful. Unfortunately, I also ignored some of the advice that I received earlier on, to the detriment of my M.

I think we have a lot to learn from our peers that are going through or have gone through similar experiences to our own, and have a clearer idea of what works and what doesn't. We can learn from those who succeeded at recovering their Ms, and also from those that failed to do so. It's up to us to determine if any advice received from any party here is actually applicable and helpful to our own personal situations.

Of course, if any advice received here appears to be contrary to MB principles as expressed on this site, in Harley's books and by Harley himself, then it should be treated with a good deal of skepticism.

Agree, MIM. I am glad someone didn't discourage me on my first day by condemning the advice of fellow members as "warm spit." I probably wouldn't have stayed around and learned all the things necessary to have a wonderful marriage today. What a tragic disservice to someone who comes here, in the depths of despair, seeking help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Exactly